Kamri Leigh Boutin

Kamri Leigh Boutin Feb 2014

At Peace

To be honest,
I don't remember what the sky looked like that day,
or what smells filled my nose as I walked down the street.
I didn't notice the wind tracing itself up my arms
and through my hair
the impact of my heavy feet on the ground didn't feel real.
Nothing came my way,
Nothing tragic
nor joyful.
I just walked,
consumed by nothingness.
My gut was not yelling at me,
my instincts finally quiet.
My fear wiped clean.
I was invincible,
traveling through the world unaffected by anything.
I was at peace in this moment when my life meant nothing.

I wish I could find that freedom of not giving a **** again.

Kamri Leigh Boutin Jan 2014

Methamphetamine

I hate the way it changed everything.

The size of my waist, even the shape of my face.

I hate the way it destroyed my morals,

burned them to nothing right in front of my face,

and how it gives me every trait that I absolutely hate.

I hate how it gives me vision that accents every flaw on my skin,

I hate the way I grind my teeth,

and how I can never fall asleep.

I hate how I can’t sit still,

and how I’m intrigued by all of the meaningless things.

I hate how empty it has made me,

and how it has introduced me to much darker things.

Convincing me that crystal and tar is all I’ll ever need.

I hate how it makes me feel too powerful,

too confident,

too invincible.

I hate how it makes me speak my mind,

even if it gets me in trouble.

Addiction has taught me a lot.

It has allowed me to look through the eyes of someone I never thought I’d be.

By becoming a shell of a human being,

I have been given the ability to be reborn.
Gaining a new found passion in the world around me.

Almost a year clean.

Kamri Leigh Boutin Jan 2014

I was searching for you

And I just sat,

gazing into the sky.

Feeling your energy,

now bonded with mine.

The trees began to resort to their blankets of dew,

closing their eyes for the night.

But not I.

For this moment,

we shared the same mind.

My eyes stuck to you like glue,

The moon above,

so full and bright,

it guided our hearts,

allowing us to reach an (unfamiliar) light.

A break of silence reaches the air

and you lean over and touch your lips to mine,

for the very first time.

In this moment,

my reality became brand new.

I didn’t know it,

but I was searching for you.

Kamri Leigh Boutin Jan 2014

Can you?

Can you?

Can you take her away?

Show her somewhere safe?

And will you hold her together,

While she’s breaking at a steady pace.

Will you?

Will you save her?

When the nightmares feel too real?

Will you?

Will you chase her?

When she is running from the world.

And will you be there?

Be there when she’s given up?

Can you?

Can you take her away?

Show her somewhere safe?

Do you?

Do you love her?

The way that she loves you?

Kamri Leigh Boutin Jan 2014

Talking to myself.

I talk to myself, constantly.

But not the way you’d think.

You see, I use pen and ink.

As the page fills, I find that I am arguing with myself.

Trying to prove that I am right.

But who am I?

And what is right?

Kamri Leigh Boutin Jan 2014

I'm stuck in this place.

I’m stuck in this place

    Where I cannot decide whether life is simple like everybody around me seems to think,

        or if it is unimaginably complex like I have come to believe over the past few years.

And I’m not quite sure if staying inside of my head is a safe place,

    or if it’s where the mess begins.

        Am I crazy?

            Or have I convinced myself that I am.

I cannot find peace because I have not yet discovered what side of life is important to me.

    I’m afraid that I will never find the balance between my past imaginings,

        and the present reality.

And I’m stuck in this place

    with no passion.

Kamri Leigh Boutin Jan 2014

Secrets

I wander, fog embracing me at my waist.

Around me, the world whispers so quietly.

What a shame that secrets are being kept from me.

Further and further, on this trance of a trail.

A thirst full of lonely fills my belly,

I gulp the air, and choke.

With the numbest of numbs,

I dance to the ballad of hopelessness that seeps through the skull attached to my neck.

For the first time, I do not fear the piercing silence.

The legs below me, are mine no more.

Stones of curiosity taunt my toes with each step.

Anxious, an unknown destination lies ahead.

Through the black, I see a mouth with teeth made of railroad tracks.

Subtle echoes crawl, inviting me right in.

Soothing me, as I am swallowed by the darkness within.

Becoming blind, pupils mirroring a charming sort of misery.

Ears twitching, each sound brings a sting of someone else’s memories.

I hear slaughter, painting pictures of ****** scenes.

I bow and take my seat, surrounded by old needles and pins.

In awe, I watch as my skin melts away as I put myself to rest.

Basking in this seclusion, I hum a sickly tune.

My bones are dead petals, wilting and left to decay.

The thrumming muscle in my chest jolts,

lightning is shot from each one of my pores.

And in a fashion more graceful than death,

I disappear, leaving behind only ashes.

Whispering quietly as my remains float away.

Oh what a shame it is, that I am a secret that will forever be kept from the world.

— The End —