inadequate and
imperfect in a flawed world
what is perfection?

lying to myself
staining the covers of books
who were made to care

these blue walls have seen so much of me
maybe too much of me
i trust my walls
they keep my secrets and
comfort with its color
of creme, then turquoise, then a soft
blue
because it's color can change
but only when i allow it to
and i know that when i wake up, it won't be a new shade of
blue
it'll be my blue

We had the potential to become something incredible
Incredible in the heart's own mind,
The heart's mind knows what it wants
And the heart's mind yearns for one thing
For comfort
For love
Surrounding itself with solitude,
A stable ship
An unshakable breath
An unmistakable stare into a storming sea of contentious emotions
Purify the storm of regret and sorrow
Replace it with the eyes of my almost lover
That I once knew, because
Almost lovers always do
Pour me a mug of something sweet
Something purely made by you
And together, we will face fear
Of creepy crawlers, and shadows that go bump in the night
But please don't leave me,
To face unrealistic fairy tales alone
But "goodnight babe,
Sleep tight"
Just as you would say
Behind locked invisible doors, our souls, and hearts collide
Digging trenches around where we lay
Our hearts beat melodies, telling us to carry on,
But only some nights we cannot
So we lay, and whisper to each other words we wish we could say louder
But our hearts beat louder
than words ever could
So we stay where we are,
running in place
Never
getting closer to
each other
But our hearts always beat in unison

What is perfection?
What defines being perfect?
It eats a massive hole inside of me
A super massive black hole
So I try to fill the void
with meaningless
unrealistic words
Told by the famous, the rich,
Of unrealistic lives
Unrealistic perfect lives
Where one goes through trial, and tribulation
But in the end, everything is perfect
Perfect human in a perfect world with a perfect life and perfect clothes and a perfect unflawed masterpiece of perfection
Perfect perfect perfect
But everyone falls short of the idealistic life
that everyone so desperately wants
Or what everyone expects
Don't have time for this
Or this
Or for you
Or for thinking,
Breathing
Because only a couple numbers and letters determine the rest of your life
Or so they think
You will have perfect test scores
Perfect grades
Perfect GPA
And if something happens, it'll turn out perfect anyways
But perfection is only in the mind
So tick tock
Tick
Tock
The bell rings at 2:15
And gives you only a short time
To find perfection
And live perfectly

I long to write beautiful poetry
To have my blood be the ink of an incredible mush of phrases and clauses and sentences
On a torn piece of paper
Always torn
But perhaps maybe that's where the sticky sweet red stains come from; a tear
A tear in a broken mind
Or maybe a broken heart

But oh, how I long to write beautiful poetry

it's funny how people think that chocolate can fill a broken heart
but m&M;'s don't help anything and i don't think they ever will
i didn't have the luxury of falling to pieces
i fell in a whole piece because i gave my whole to you
i didn't give you pieCes of me
i didn't give you slivers of my heart to fill the cracKs in yours,
i gave you my heart so that you would see my soul
so you would see that i am the one in desperate need of something to fill the holes in mine
so you would see that i'm just as fragile as the next and yes, i am broken but not by you
by words And thoughts and maybe i needed to give You my brain because i think that is in a more desperate need of healing

What will it take to find the sunshine again?
Blow the snowy clouds away with howling winds of my heart
None of my words make sense anymore
A jumble of simple and complex sentences maybe
A phrase
Or maybe I am just putting sophisticated sounding words into something that sounds like a poem
But poetry is so bold, and beautiful
And I cannot seem to make it either
So where do I go from here? What do I put next?
Tell a long story of tragedy and suffering
Or maybe of happiness and smiles
Of heartbreak
Or possible love
But none could possibly match up to the flawless tale of lizzie and darcy
No one could match what Sylvia Plath wrote of her fears and sadnesses
But how could one possibly find themselves in a world filled with similarities and indifference?
How must one carry on with such anguish                                                        
I­ am but a simple soul,                          
simply breathing to live                  
Eating to survive                              
And writing to understand why

Maybe we are too much alike
Our souls fly in the same direction, and our hearts beat in the same patterns
Our minds are both incapable of comprehending space and matter
Music speaks to us better than people ever could
We both wish to catch a falling star and put it in our pockets
We dream big, and think too much
Maybe we are too blind to see that we are toxic for each other
and maybe I want too much and you don't want enough
But I will always take care of a little bird in a big world

I knew
I knew
I KNEW
I knew and I made myself believe I was seeing green lights when it was just a mirage of a red light
and we hit all the red lights
we hit every single one of them
even when it was right in front of my face I didn't allow myself to read in between the lines and I made myself believe I was worth something more than just copper to you
I made myself believe I was rubies
and maybe I am but most people don't see that
and you definitely didn't see that
but I thought maybe you did and I threw myself out in front of your bus and I want to believe you caught a glimpse of me in your headlights but you refused to believe it was really me
I don't think you wanted it to be me
but the headlights always choose to point in a different direction and when the light turns green you head straight to her when I was in the turning lane
you are the swimmer in a stormy ocean and I am the raft refusing to let you go far without me beside you because I don't want you to drown, yet I'm the one getting capsized over and over and over again, but you keep swimming, and I want you to keep swimming
I want you to reach the infinite places you want to go, but I will miss you
and I will never stop telling you that I miss you
so I will be waiting for you at the traffic lights and one day you are bound to turn and you will see me
you will realize that I have always been there waiting for the green arrow

You often hear that rain depresses
That thunder sparks fear in our minds        
And sometimes it does
But I believe in rain
And the way windows fog up
And sometimes your vision is blurred
And you literally have to brake
You have to stop
Just stop    
Because there are no windshield wipers to wipe those drops away
They just have to melt away until you
Can't see them anymore
Can't feel them anymore
Don't notice them anymore
But that's when you need to feel the way water sticks to a surface
and the way it leaves a streak forming a small pathway
Down
Because once down, it can only go up and
Although you can't make the rain reverse it's path you can stick on a jacket and pop open an umbrella and prepare for rain
Because you know it's coming  
And sometimes it's okay to rejoice in the rain                              
I am a strong believer in windows being stained by
Tears
From clouds in the sky