the way that i sat with you today
in an upward fashion
with my bare back
being tickled by the length of my strands
and how my stomach was not flat
but you insisted upon making sure
i knew you knew
it was beautiful.
and the light was the most pale blue i ever saw
besides the photos of the sea
that I've never traveled to
because i had no one living down under
to visit.

when i visited asheville
no one noticed the calluses on my toes
or the way that that one hair would not stay down
or how i was too lazy to shave
and being near cockroaches was okay
and my brother walks like a dancer
years later
thousands of minutes later
he continues to bounce with each step
just like you:
i eat
and kiss you
and no one cares if i was too lazy to shave
or that i have calluses on my toes
or that my hair just won't stay down.

you took the finger you accuse with
you took it and accused my insides of the most punishable sin
adultery
because baby, i want you. i want you.
and while this took place, i left my body
and moved into my shadow filled ***
and grasped your neck
and threw my head back
because i am loud
and i am not controlled
like a broken electrical line
snapping and shooting at the ground in a mass of sparks
like the fourth of july in shorts that daddy would not be too proud of
and scabs on your thighs from that mysterious boy who lives down the street.
secret, secret. mom i'm a *******.
mom i like it when he hurts me.
mom he pulls my hair and bites my chest and i tnrill.
it isn't the same when i bite myself
because lord knows that's because i want to feel close to death
and maybe because he does throw
and kick and cut
when he loses it all
maybe i will come close to death.
maybe he'll just tilt that steering wheel
scream at me for everything i can't do
and then i'll be gone.
and you won't have a ******* for a daughter any longer;
what a heavy burden to carry.

i miss you now.
sitting in the light of a lamp on the floor because i have no the furniture to put the things on.
i was *******
and the way that my ******* separated down the middle
and how you saw that
was the existence of summer
in a cold, cold winter.

the minute that i entered your coven
i groaned about how tired i was
how sick
and i kneeled at the bottom of your stairs
waited for your grace to allow me to continue
laid down on your bed
and realized i could not find your scent
buried in the pillows without covers
like a piece of art in the rain
without a tarp
but you wrapped your arm around me
and all i felt was the meat
and blood
and so i scratched at them
to make you happy.
the hair on your arms reminds me of the way any living creature appears
when the sun grazes its presence
at just the right angle.
every piece of you is pale
and pale - fragile
fragile - weak
but i could feel your muscle.
and that makes you a walking contradiction, my sweet.
your collar bones have not once been freckled by anything other than my bite
and specks of sang.
you are not allowed to break them
because he did the same
and you are not him.

I like to think that sitting in a diamond
with these women,
    spitting tongues and
spicy hot
that I can follow.
that I hear their every word
and know it's meaning, context.
I pretend there isn't a
                                      |barrier|.
Because of their sun-kissed skin,
   thick strands like a horses tail,
      burly eye protectors
                       and long eyebrows.
The way their hips snap
                 and sway
to the beat of a bachata song.
   the way they aren't afraid of the
fire that formed the minute they sprung
from the womb.
      Hot (Caliente),
               fire (fuego),
                       sacrifices and (sacrificios y)
                                   respect (respeto).
I will sit here and listen
read their quick bodies
show my teeth as they do.
Because I want to learn
of that strength.

the experience
of a mouth filled with cotton
a warm stomach
and tripping glances
is null.
you set things to fire with
your warm, sweaty palms
and carry her strands
to avoid the acid.
stand me up and drive me home.
we can breathe in sync
like it sometimes happens with
slamming car
       doors.