I have tried it all
To get the monsters in my soul
Smoking them out
Drowning them in alcohol
Poisoning them with pills
Putting them to sleep with green happiness
Bleeding them out
And yet every night they whisper
I am here
I will always be here
As long as you are here

A black heart as cold as the oceans below
A broken heart left to wither and slow
Did I consider it? The consequence?
Of trying but failing to reach for the sky?
I don't think I ever understood the implications
Of learning the answer to the question why
When I learned the answer my lust for life was killed
My shallow sense of hopelessness was filled
Set back every time and forced to rebuild
My idealism was riddled with holes of misconception
Lies just keep coming from inexplicable directions
And I'm glaringly aware of my every imperfection
Why do I bother to struggle through my days?
Like a rat without a clue I'm lost in the maze
When I hold the map I always choose the wrong ways
And I am too old to think that this is just a phase
This is never ending; this is considered real
There is no room for happiness in what you should feel
I don't think I can live like this
I can't live with the memories of the friends I miss
I can't deal with all of my past transgressions
God doesn't love me because I don't do confessions
I'm not important so I don't get exceptions
I just sink down into the depths of depression
How many times am I expected to fight back?
When do you throw in the towel against the attack?
The attack that forms the very basis of life
A life that is filled with so much terror and strife
Every day beats me down; it's harder to get back up every time
It becomes impossible to convince myself that I'm fine
So my heart turns black like coal from the mines
As my soul finds shelter in a simple configuration of lines
Soon this will be all that's left of me
I will never live up to the person I want to be
Some might label my loss a catastrophe
Remember I told you from the beginning that I was a mess?
From the day you first saw me you knew I was depressed
And we shared and understanding that if I were to go
It would be no ones fault but my own
Please don't try to stop it now
I can't handle what this world has in store
But I promise I will be by your side forever
And you wont have to deal with me anymore
Im sorry if you are saddened by the initial shock
I love you so much and I'll miss you a lot
But the only permanent way out of this mess
The only way to stop feeling so much more less
Is to hang it up at the end of a rope
Until the end separates the pain from my ghost
Out of everyone I hope you understand the most
Because you and I were so close
I don't want to leave you but I've got to go
I can't do this again my heart is so low
Please let me make the journey in peace
A journey with a destination so incredibly sweet
A destination defined by never ending sleep
I want to die, dear, and we both know it was in the cards
We both knew my future was always marred
Don't miss me too much; I won't leave you side
I'll always be with you long after I've died
And on the day that it happens I hope you won't cry
I will be so content to forever just lie
I dont deserve anything i have any way
I dont deserve the promise of another day
I dont deserve friends and i dont deserve you
So I think that dying is the best thing to do
Killing myself will be easy
Leaving you will be harder than you know
But I'm finally beaten down and broken
I'm sorry but I've got to go

I wake up.

I go to my window.

The Sun is out.

But not For Long.

The Smog is Creeping in.

That ****** toxic cloud.

Filled with poison. Filled with Sadness. Filled with Pain. Filled with Destruction. Filled with Anger. Filled with Loss.

Full of Fear. Full of Hurt. Full of Death. Full of Worry. Full of Hate. Full of Darkness.

The Wonders of the World are gone and have been replaced by the trillion terrors.

The Sun is out, But the Smog is rolling in.

So I walk. I walk.

I am Outside Now and I see That ****** Cloud slithering in front of that beautiful sun.

And I breathe. I inhale the ugliness. The Branches of my Lungs begin to wither as that cloud invades my body. I breathe and I breathe, never exhaling. My eyes begin to tear. My body becomes weak.

But I keep breathing. I breathe for my brothers, for my sisters, for my fathers, for my mothers, I Breathe.

I breathe for my sons and for my daughters. I breathe for all. I breathe in the disgust so they don’t have to. So they NEVER have to.

I choke.

And as my body becomes a shell and my soul decides to depart. My Brothers, My Sisters, My Fathers, My Mothers, My Sons, My daughters, they breathe in to me.

They give me purity and strength through air that has never tasted so sweet.

They bring me back and they carry me inside where I lie down next to my wife, next to my husband.

And I sleep.

With a Smile on My Face.

In the opalescent shroud
Of this brisk autumn night
I find myself gazing sordidly
At the rippling waters of a river.

As I stare deeper and deeper
Into the dancing lights of the water
My mind spins and wonders.
Pondering my existence and worth.

Within these reflecting pools
I see myself dissected,
My being strewn across
the steady yet constant flow of time.

All the past's pains appear
As a thousand slings and arrows.
I see nothing but devastation
within these flowing waters.

Until, I'm struck with a seething revelation
that burns in my troubled mind.
That the waters of time will always flow forward
And it's direction will never change.

We are all just debris within these waters
Flowing toward a distant horizon never to be seen again
Never to be remembered.

what does a poet write about when the skies are blue?
when the war is over, the storm has passed,
the water sits as still as a painting on a gallery wall?

what does a poet write about when sticky summers
turn into crisp, cool autumns?
when garish winters make way for the flowers of spring?

what does a poet write about when the holes in her soul
have been delicately stitched by a steady hand?
when a gentle heartbeat beneath her ear
closes her eyes at night and opens them in the morning?

of course the poet writes on.
day after day the words still find their way onto blank pages,
the urge still fills her chest to bursting,
desire still guides her pen across the lined paper.

only when the poem comes to its close does she notice that
'love' changed from past tense into present
somewhere in the cursive loops and dotted i's.

if ever you wonder
if ever your heart should grow curious
for lust and love and spirit
electricity that splits the spine
a jolt of lightening
rushing through wide open veins
baby hairs standing on end
on the nape of your neck
a wave of cold sweat
dripping through your hair
moistens your back
if ever a moment passes
if ever you refrain from yelling loud
sing a melody
scream “i love you”
skip through a crowd of people
and smile
laugh
dance
and forget your worry
the temporary madness of yesterday
because you are static, ecstatic
you are wonderful

I want to watch all
The teeth fall out
Of my mouth
My eyes sink
Into my skull
Every hair
Fall out of my head

Brittle nails and blue fingertips
Yellowing patches
And skin
Clear enough to see rivers
Flowing beneath
Canvased tight,
as if my bones
Are just hoping to break free

To cut through
The canvas with
The knife my grandfather
Gave me
Spilling everything

Every word
I could never get out
Every time getting
Caught on
The tip of my tongue

No glass half full
Or half empty
I want to be as shallow
as it gets

When the waves
Crash against the shoreline
Making their way up
To meet your sand-covered toes,
That is as shallow as
The water gets

I could never
Be so versatile
As the ocean

I have to choose,
And what’s the point of
Such strong feelings
If they are always trapped
And writhing
On my inside

- S.G.

What can be done to consume this feeling of emptiness
What can we done when we're broken into a million pieces
And how do we fix the broken pieces together
How do we learn to love again

What do we believe in .. when there's nothing left to believe in
What do we hope for when all dreams are blurred
How can we heal and forget the wounds when they plague our minds
How do we become blind to the scars that are left behind
What becomes inspiration when the faith fades

Are happy endings hopeful in nothing but chaos
How can we keep hoping when reality promises noone a happy ending
How can an immaculate being hurt you so profoundly
And how can you still be able to love him

When will the light outshine all the darkness
And when will the swift wind destroy all this confusion
When will stars align
And When will the moon shine at it's greatest intensity

How do we escape misery's stifling grip
And how can a fear so consuming be diminished
Can this sinking feeling be controlled
Why do we become so numb
How do we leave when we're being pulled by the forces of profound emotions
And the longing of a fragile heart

**But why .. do we all strive to be loved when love becomes so detrimental..