I don't know why I do it,
exactly.

Maybe I'm just trying to avoid it all.
The people.
The laughter.
The heartache.
The living.

I've heard before
that this isn't the way to live.
But I know no other way.
My vessels have been spilled of their blood.
My heart beats simply to get me through the day.
I got sick of emotion,
because emotion gave me nothing.

Maybe the truth is that I pretend not to care.
And that is why I become the shrew that tears through all of you.
Maybe, though I want to be loved,
in some messed up way,
I know that if I can cause you all to hate me,
then no one will miss me when I'm gone.
Then, maybe, I wouldn't feel guilty.

Maybe I know I can't make it go away.
So I put myself in the situations I know will
put a dagger through my core,
so next time?
...Maybe, I won't go there.
But it never works.

Right now, I'm supposed to be out living,
out being a "college student."
But I'm not.
Because "I'm tired."
Maybe the truth is I don't want to feel.
I don't want happy, because it just goes away.
And everything else?
I just don't want to go there.

Sometimes, I say a lot of things I don't mean.
But hear me,
and know I mean this:
I care.
I love.
I hope.
But it kills me.
And I don't understand this at all.

I can’t promise you it will get better soon.
I can’t promise you happiness.
I can’t promise it will all go away.
I can’t promise it will end.
I can’t promise you no pain.
And I can’t promise I’ll always understand.
But I can promise you that
No matter what kind of solid ***** of an exterior you carry,
I see multitudes of greatness beyond that.
I can promise you that you are worth so much more
Than the way you treat yourself.
And I can promise you that you are never,
Ever,
Alone.

You create your own happiness.
I can’t do it for you.

Tonight, I knew I was a hypocrite.
As I stood there with my callous stare,
Mind in a world that will never exist,
The urge to turn to every worshiper around me -
Warning them that they’ll lose it all,
That happiness doesn’t exist,
That love doesn’t exist,
That peace doesn’t exist -
Overflowed inside of me.
But what did I do?
I lay idly quiet, as always.
That’s what’s expected of me, right?
Because how dare I attempt to look for the truth!
How dare I expect honesty from any of you fools!
And how dare I tell you I care.

Where are you now, God?
Where the hell are you now?
Can you hear me, or do I need to scream at the sky some more?

Hypocrite.
That’s all I am.
These ink markings are a beautiful lie,
A beautiful attempt at a reminder of who I can be.
But I can’t be.
I won’t be.
Not in a place as cavalier as here.
This world is a ruthless place.
It’s **** or be killed,
And I’ve murdered what was left inside.

Silently.
Swiftly.

That moment
When you know everything you’ve been fighting -
Every tear, every laugh, every thought, every desire -
Is finally catching up,
And the words dance on the tip of your tongue,
But this fear inhibits the release,
And if you just had something provoke you,
A single solitary word,
That’s all it would take to let it all go,
To let them know,
To just say it -
This ever fleeting desire within
To let yourself feel,
But you always let the fear win.

Please, sir,
Can you just say something?
Say anything to goad her?
She has all of the words right there,
But the beating of her heart tearing through her flesh,
The blinding emotion that emerges with your presence…
It scares her.
She doesn’t want to become that person again,
The one who always depends.

Please, sir,
Just say something.

Please, sir,
Say anything.

She needs this release.
I beg you.

A burden so gruesome that we cannot speak of it.
The tiring lies of a mind yet desired.
Can we fathom our ways?
Can we masquerade about in pithy, writhing moments?
So often have I returned to this place,
Where my spoils and fillings have nothing left to give,
So I think.
And, for this, I know that every occurrence is a façade.
And, for this, I know that there is treasure left within.
To what do we owe this?
What begot so much distain?
What begot so much distance?
To whom can I trace this ******, frozen mire?
Myself.
It all lies within.
So, tonight we tear out our hearts and bury their remains
Into a ground that’s been flooded with so much confusion,
In hopes that our minds will follow.
…But will this blood still seep through my veins?
Will its persistent emotion inhabit every cell?
I have died tonight, with grace and compassion.
Yet, the image of a pulsing heart in my palms
will cause my soul to quiver.
I shiver at the thought.
Where do I go from here?

It’s still alive in me,
It’s still alive in me…

I'm sick of hearing,
"You deserve better."
Because clearly that doesn't matter to me.

I'm sick of hearing,
"Everything happens for a reason."
Because, no, things just happen,
And order is made from it.

I'm sick of hearing,
"I have someone for you."
What makes you think I want someone?

I'm sick of hearing,
"You'll find the right person."
Because what makes you think I'm looking?

I'm sick of hearing,
"I want to be close."
Because so do I,
But we don't change that.

I'm sick of hearing,
"(Insert lie here)."
Because the lies are always invisible
Like me.

I'm sick of hearing,
"You don't need me."
Because you're right, I don't.
But I still want you here.

And I'm still so sick of
"You deserve better."
Because some people are always worth the pain.

Love loosely -
Fight with fire -
Trust treacherously.

It's not hard to disappear
When you're already invisible.