Look through me
To whatever insignificance lies behind me.
See through my scarred up flesh
Like my organs disappear.
Come to me
With your drunken, lonely, usually hidden stupor.
Cry to me on the phone
Until sober reappears.

Wave to me
Like an acquaintance.
Hug me
Like a friend.
Confide in me,
But no one else.
Then into this chair
I blend.
Kiss me
Like you mean it.
Touch me
Like you care.
But don’t forget
To see through me
When I’m still
Standing there.

What is it you want from me?
What is it you plead?
‘Cause all I’ve ask is honest answers,
Yet still you do not heed.

Am I here or not?
Do I live and breathe?
Do you only use me at your will?

Who are we – What?
Make up your mind, boy,
Shortened patience, no time to ****.

For a split second
I remembered what it was like
To feel at home.

And with a breath,
It was gone,
Vanished with the footsteps fading down the hall.

I am my own shelter.
I am a rock.

The sweet scent of his skin,
And the soft hum of his breath,
And the quick pounding I feel
With my ear upon his chest,
And the way those eyes
See far into mine,
Where I used to hide behind falsehoods.

Hold on to your hearts for dear life,
My friends,
When that life is a bumpy ride.

Take my flashlight -
You need it more than I -
And maybe your path will be brightened.
This darkness could swallow you whole,
But may its bullets puncture me before you.

I'll not leave your side, my dear.
This I promise you.

I used to wait for the days when I’d get a free moment from you.
I used to hate the majority of things you did.
I used to feel like a ******* because of things you’d say.
And I used to hate your cavalier attitude.
But in the last month or so,
You’ve become one of – if not the only – person I trust.
And I’m just waiting for the day when it all goes back to how it used to be.
I’m happy for you. I truly am – from the bottom of my heart.
And I’m trying my best to give you space.
But I’ve become a terrible *****,
Because I’m unbelievably jealous.
When I see how happy you are,
I’m ashamed to admit more often than not do the words
“What the hell did you do to deserve that?”
Run through my mind.
Because from what I recall,
One of the lowest years of my life has been because of you.
And despite everything that’s happened recently,
You will always be the person who stole my innocence without my desire to.
And you will always be the one who cheated on me.
And you will always be the one who made me feel more used
Than anyone should ever know.
I was your toy practically every day of my life
While you still used others.
And then,
When someone finally came along and saved me from you,
You tried to take it away from me.
Not to mention the fact that you have tried to cheat on multiple girlfriends with me.
And I get it… you’ve come a long way since then.
That’s why I forgave you.
But why the hell do you get to have what you have?
When all I’ve done is choose to love unconditionally,
Forgive over
And over
And over again,
Accept the people I love for all of their messed up flaws,
And be willing to do anything to make their dreams come true.
What did I ever do to any of you to deserve all that you’ve put me through?
You and all of the others have done nothing but lie, cheat, and womanize.
Yet, I’m the one who spends every night
Struggling with a decision that would make the pain go away.
I guess no one ever said life would be fair.
But they did say it would be worth living.
This, however, is certainly not worth it.

Just because you stop planning to do something
Doesn’t mean every part of you stops wanting it.
As I lie here and let my skin sink into the cold concrete,
I think of how this is where I wished to end.
And I turn over to my knees and begin to pray
For anything,
Everything,
That if there is a god out there,
Will he please hear me?
Because I don’t know if I believe anymore.
And all I want is some kind of sign,
But I don’t ask for one,
Because I know the definition of faith.
In actuality, all I wanted was the truth.
But, you see, though the truth is absolute,
It is also obsolete.
It is avoided at all cost.
And, though you can’t lie it away,
You all attempt to.

I almost killed myself.
I almost ******* killed myself, even though I didn’t want to die.
I just wanted the pain to stop.
And you…
You laid there in my bed and pulled me close,
Held my hand and told me you care,
Told me you were scared to death that I was gone,
Kissed my forehead and then my lips.
You asked for my trust, and I gave it to you.
But you just continued carving the mask you began so long ago.
I was minutes away from swallowing two bottles of pills
Because of the lies swirling around me,
Beating my battered heart into the filthy ground…
And you still lied.

I never thought I’d see the day I believe that
He is more of a man than you.
But here we are in a world where he is the only person I trust.
Tell me, how ****** up is that?
He may have torn parts of my life to meaningless shreds a long time ago,
But at least he admits his wrongs.
You, on the other hand?
You aren’t even man enough to stay faithful,
Much less come clean to me.
Sometimes I wonder if you lie so much that you start to believe yourself.
Words mean nothing to me anymore.
So, I don’t want your “I’m-sorrys” or “I-care-about-yous.”
Because you don’t mean it,
And if you do, then all I want is for you to prove it to me.

You see, I’m not the girl I used to be.
I ripped the naïve heart I gave to you from my chest
And stabbed it with every ounce of realism I could find,
Betraying any kind of faith or trust I had in this world.
My new heart beats to the rhythm of skepticism and independence,
Though, somehow, you still make it skip a beat,
And I know it could open up to you,
If we'd just let it.
I’ve finally shaken the devil from my shoulder
So that baby steps push me upward.
But here I am, still feeling, still wanting the truth to spill from your lips.
So, if you ever decide to stop being scared,
Maybe I will too.
I’ve just come to only believe in actions.

But, as I continue to lay here on this stained masterpiece of a stairwell,
I’m oddly content and inexplicably peaceful.
Only two words come to mind that I have left to pen.
And from the bottom of my heart, I mean them quite dearly:

**** this.

I see your lips moving
And your eyes’ hold on mine,
But I don’t hear a thing.
It’s just another line.

Useless.