Last night
I fell asleep to the pitter patter of graceful rain
Splashing against the roof over my open window.
As I lay there,
I silently bathed myself in numerous thoughts
Of how perfectly peaceful this feeling was.
My window,
Open to such a vast world.
And here I was, listening to its beauty.
Here I am, living its wonder.
But the absence of one thing lingered over my heart,
Something I miss,
Something that would have completed this moment,
Something that should have wrapped around me,
An empty space that should have been filled.

This morning
I woke up
And looked out of my open window,
Again at the beauty,
Again at the vastness,
Again at the wonder,
And I knew that none of it matters to me
Without the missing piece.

I love the scent of September,
The aroma of browning leaves in the air,
The soft crunch of them beneath my feet,
The sweet sun warming my skin to the perfect degree,
Combined with cool air surrounding.
I love the sight of the sunrise
As I trot the road at the break of the day,
Its rays dancing across the rainbow sky,
Its light dancing along unending hillsides
To the budding music of morning creatures.
And in this moment,
A moment filled with the serene unity of nature,
All I want is to venture into the middle of nowhere,
Scream at the top of my lungs,
And soak in the peace around me.

‘Tis the season for change.

Sometimes
It's easier to keep your mouth shut,
Because the words you're searching for -
The ones that explain
Exactly what you feel,
Exactly what you want,
Exactly what your gut tells you,
Your exact intuition -
They don't exist,
And no matter how long and rigorously you scour every possibility,
Nothing can explain.

And you realize there is no need to,
As long as you know what lies within your heart.

I've built up walls
And created a switch.
So let this be.
Let this be.

Feel everything,
Yet I'm feeling nothing.
Just let this be.
Let this be.

Can't look.
Can't speak.
Can’t hear.
Can’t think.
Can’t yearn.
Can’t crave.
Can’t care.
Can’t cry.

Listen to the beautiful betrayal of lies.
And don't remember.

Just lock it up.
And let it be.
Seems time has altered everything.

I didn’t believe in fate, that any soul is predestined for another.
I didn't believe in coincidence, that we subsist by some sort of chance.
I didn’t believe in soul mates,
And I didn’t believe in luck.
I believed in faith.

And now I simply search for some escape,
Some feeling other than
comfortably numb.

Maybe I really did deserve this.
Maybe I really am just stupid.
Because I believed in your promises.
Because I believed in us.

I don't know the plan.
I don't know my meaning.
I don't even know if I have a purpose.
But I don't care.
Just let it be.

I've learned to flip the switch to off.
What does it matter if I lose myself?
***** happiness;
Give me the lying whispers of false satisfaction.

"Off" may never solve, but it numbs away the pain.

I want to feel,
I want to bleed,
I want to fall,
I want to break,
I want to crumble,
I want to rise,
I want to fight,
And I want the cycle to run.
So at least I'd know I’m living.

But "off" is the risk I take.
Because I've tried to change my ways.

*Your heart belongs to you
And you alone.
Never be careless and naive enough to give it away.

For the first time in these three months
I feel empty.

For the first time in these three months
I am a shell.

For the first time in these three months
I have no light left in me.

For the first time in these three months
I feel hurt by the person
And not the situation.

For the first time in these three months
I feel everything inside,
But I am physically incapable to showing it.
Numb.
Pathetic.

I try to cry.
No tears.

I try to laugh.
No sound.

I try to scream.
No whisper.

I try to destroy.
No will.

For the first time in these three months,
I've given up on myself.
There is no more hope inside.
Just darkness.
And I don't even care.

I don't care about a **** thing.

If you see me,
Let me know.
For I cannot see myself.
I am a ghost.
I am invisible.
I am nothing.
I am gone.

Are you really living
If you're just surviving?
Is it really worth it?

There is nothing I would love more
Than to say that I'm done with this charade,
I'm done with this wall.
Tear it down.

Every day brings the urge,
But no day brings the courage
For fear you do not feel the same.

So I stay here searching...

Everything has changed.
Nothing has changed.

Today
I tried to run from my thoughts –
Literally –
As I have done many times before,
And never have I been able to succeed,
For I’ve learned we cannot outrun what lies within us.
This merely leaves us gasping for air –
Physically and emotionally.
Yet, that still does not stop us from trying.
Silly little souls are we
To choose the numb instead of the sentiment,
But sometimes…
It’s just better that way…
Until we are brave enough to change it.

Someday
I’ll be brave enough to change it.