The glass is not empty,
Nor is it full,
Nor is it half one way or the other.

But what is this feeling?
And where is the source of what strength she has left?
She has no inhibitions
And feels liberated for the first time in months,
Yet turmoil chains her down.
Vanished, but unbroken.
Ignoring, but noticing.
Crumbled, but fully put together.
She gave you her heart.
So, be careful,
For, though it is strong,
It is also fragile.

Her glass is not empty,
Nor is it full.
It is leaking,
And she spends all her time filling it,
But the crack isn’t mending,
Isn’t patching,
Isn’t healing.
So all she can do now is fill the glass,
Stop pretending,
Stop lying with her smile,
And watch it empty at the end of the day,
Allowing her to fill it yet again when dawn awakens.

We cannot choose
How,
When,
Why,
Or who.

It is inexplicable,
Indescribable,
Mysterious,
Effortless,
And pure.

We cannot control it.
We cannot choose it.
It just is.
Simply complex.

We can choose to run from it.
We can choose to hide.
We can choose to deny.
We can choose to ignore.
And we can choose to bury it.
But, eventually, it will catch up
And force us to do something about it,
Unless we want to live in misery, emptiness, and artificial happiness forever.
Because we don’t find love.
It finds us.

There is a cold stillness every time I close the door behind them,
Reminding me I can't hide behind my smile in the comfort of my friends anymore,
Reminding me that Happy is again slipping from my grasp,
Reminding me that Lonely is about to take its place beside me,
Reminding me that I miss you,
Reminding me you don't.
At least you don't show it.
Whether or not I believe this,
I cannot say.

I find it sad...

...that a girl with so much going for her -
incredible friends,
caring family,
talent,
beauty,
health,
intelligence,
a home,
a bright future,
faith,
belief,
strength -
A girl whose life is filled with love,
Can feel so lost.

I find it sad...

...that a girl, whose life is meaningful to others
And shows signs of God's love,
Can feel so hollow.

And I find it sad...

...that all it takes is one glance in his direction,
And her heart melts right back down to square one.

And it's time to get up and start over again.

Consistent constancy.
Always unchanging.
Bustling busy or unbreakable boredom.
I’d say the replay button is stuck,
But my past does not know this feeling
Nor this departure.
A vague familiarity, yes,
But not alike.
I know how to busy myself most of the time,
But nothing ever changes.
The passing of time leaves no scars, no sign of healing,
Just the same feeling rushing through my core,
The one that makes my heart stop.
It never gets easier.
Just easier to cover up.
At the end of the day
The same loneliness cradles me to sleep,
Trying to steal my life away,
But I refuse to let it.
Usually.
Lonely is a long lost friend of mine,
But a bittersweet enemy,
One that requires all power to battle,
And sometimes I simply get sick of strength
And choose to forfeit the war.
No, it never gets easier.

Just continue to find more masks,
Just continue to welcome numb,
Just continue to deny,
Just continue to ignore
Until one day you want to feel again.
Where does your courage lie?

Empty.
Numb.
Careless.
Unfeeling.
The lifeless shell of a human you’ve become.
This is vacant soul I see.

I don’t know this boy,
Nor do I want to.
He died the night your arms formed my shield,
And dark eyes brightened to newfound life,
Leaving me speechless.

But our demise saw to it that the birth of death arise again,
Suffocating any life left in you,
Parting with happy, alive, and energetic,
Welcoming the cold.
And we meet the empty shell once more.

A nearly full bottle of painkillers rests on my desk,
Calling,
Shouting,
Crying out my name
For just a moment,
A notion bringing my fearful heart to its knees.
Speechless.

Instead I choose to chase who I once was,
While somehow attempting to better myself
Into someone who can be ok.
But what is ok, exactly?
When and how do we get to good enough?
And is “good enough” actually ever enough?
Too many thoughts.
Too many constant battles inside.
But still speechless.

You called me your “guardian angel,”
Said without me, you’d have no life.
You told me the ghost of who you were
Began to live when I stepped in.
Your will to exist, your empty shell,
Your desire to awaken at the break of every day,
Everything changed when I stepped in.
Everything changed when I stepped in.
You came alive when I stepped in.
You breathed new life when I stepped in.

You said, “Forever.”
You said, “My future.”
You said, “Always.”
You said, “Je t’aime.”
You said, “I want you.”
You said, “I need you.”
You said, “I love you.”
You said, “That love will never go away.”
You said, “I’ve waited my whole life for this.”
You said, “I want every second with you.”
You said it all, but I wish you hadn’t ‘cause maybe,
Maybe I wouldn’t be here,
Trapped in all the vanished promises of our evanescent life.
So many thoughts,
So many desires,
So much life lost deep down inside,
Yet still so speechless.

You stepped out when fear stepped in.
You stepped out when confusion stepped in.
You stepped out because of your stupid, unconditional, pure, overwhelming love for me.
And I stepped out because it made my heart swell with even more love for you.

I don’t know this boy,
Nor do I want to.
But I wish with everything I’m made of that I could help him in some way,
That I could be here in some way,
That I could find one thing to say
To bring him back to life some way.
But here I am,
Speechless.

Little does this boy know I’m here
If he truly ever needs me.
I am always here.
But here he also is,
A stranger,
Completely ok with feeling numb,
Just barely pressing on,
Lifeless.

And it was with those words, this realization, that I discovered
I meant nothing to you.
You mean everything to me.
And I meant nothing.

How can I believe this?
I don't.
But how can you act like it?

Empty.
Numb.
Careless.
Unfeeling.
The lifeless shell of a human you’ve become.
This is vacant soul I see.
But there is nothing I can do anymore,
Except lie here,
Pray here,
Stay here –

Speechless.

Your eyes first locked with mine when I was blind.
Your eyes watched me drag along your brother’s torturous path.
Your eyes saw the pain in my own,
But those eyes became my protection,
Gazing into them, comfort,
Healing.
One night changed the world.

Your eyes saw to it that I rise.
Over,
And over,
And over again.
Your eyes strengthened me when I couldn’t do it alone.
And when I could… those eyes were still there.
Bright,
Smiling,
Happy eyes.
Because I succeeded.

Your eyes lit up when they looked into mine
As if three words were the greatest ever invented.
I got lost in those eyes.
They saw perfection in spite of countless flaws.
They grasped my soul, the very core of my being, and made my body shiver
In the best way possible.
I fell in love with those eyes.
Warm,
Caring,
Loving eyes,
Guarding my heart better than any.

But your eyes grew sad with sorrow, speaking the unexpected.
They cringed at my unbearable shock,
And they cried with mine.
Never will I be able to free myself of that image.
Sad,
Dark,
Depressing eyes.

Once rewarding, giving the finest promise I have ever been given, your eyes loved.
But they feared.
And I have been forced to learn of my greatest enemy.
Don’t make promises.
And don’t believe in them.
They will never be kept.

Your eyes have grown cold,
Leaving me speechless.
Dead,
Lonely,
Emotionless eyes.

Who are you?
I don’t recognize these eyes.