When he looks at me, I know he's looking past and imaging someone eles face...

Not because he doesn't love me, but the darkness of his mind knows its wrong and heats him up, to **** me and think of her or him...

Bad, so bad, he doesn't denie himself pleasure...
something I used to admire...

Now it smothers my heart, blue and bleeding waiting for him to see how he kills me slowly with just a look from his lieing green eyes.

Why when you know, the same thing will happen to you... do we subject ourselves to leason's already learned, roads you have already walked? Why do we live it over and over again until you no longer learn from it ?Whens its burned into your flesh as a map that you just retrace beacuse you don't know how to do anything eles. How do you learn the truth? Stop the cycle? He's lieing, i know he is, i knew he would, and still i fought for him. I hurt someone i loved and cared about, my friend... For what? to take on his shity fantasy, to know when he lies,and to turn the other way? to carry the weight of his faults and have them passed on to be my own? Tuesday i go to remove you completely from my body and wash away the stain you have left inside my womb. I walk away from you, the walking dead, you will not be the end of my heart!I am the mother ******* pheinox and you are just the ashes, that i leave behind at my feet. Your sickness stops with me.

We walk down the road. You left her behind to talk with me. I put the world off to talk with you. We sit under the tree's and breath the other in. We look at the other with the possibility hanging over our heads. We talk of life and love, but we never cross that line.

We walk on...

At first it was to much. I tried to swallow my feelings. I finally broke, and wrote it all down in a letter. You gave it back to me and it broke my heart. You did not even speak of it. I trusted you enough to let you into my head, my heart. To see all my truths, to see me. I woke up the next day and I was over you.

We walk on...

The days grow cold and life is taking its tole's. I am dealing with checking off my list and doing the things I say I am going to do. You try to sort your feelings of not being in love and staying unhappy or being alone.

We walk on...

With time its hard not to question life. Why things happen the way they happen? I know life is too short to question what we can not change. The point is we can change if we let go of fear.

We walk on...

I sit with you and we talk of the passing time. "Life is full of moments, to take the time to enjoy them, that's what life is all about", you say to me. I node my head in agreement and say "You are my dearest friend and I love you.'Lets not talk of life or love today." You smile and ask "Why?" I look at your face and touch your cheek. "Because the world owes us nothing, but we owe the world to each other." I pause, wanting nothing more than to kiss her. I push down the urdge and begin to speak,"Maybe things are just how they should be. Lets just enjoy this moment as friends  and let it set in as a day we will always remember." You smile and take my hand. We lay back and watch the wind tease the tree's.

We walk on...

If you were anyone else I would brush my hand slightly against your cheek, holding your gaze for just one moment longer, letting you see the secret pleasures that lay hidden in my stare. There is something about you that I cannot deny every day it pulls me closer… a strong wanting to know all that you are willing to show me, hoping you’ll take gladly everything that I am willing to give.

If you were any other woman and not the woman that you are, I might reveal to you my dreams, letting you see every inch of skin and giving you my heart barren of all its walls.

If you were any other woman I would take you as is, never asking you to change or trying to make you fit into some made up roll I created as a youth, I do not want illusions all I have time for is truth.

If you ever wanted to love me, I would guide you with a warm smile helping show you the way, if I could ever learn to love you… let me speak plainly, I hope one day that I may.

I want to be wanted; I want a woman to take pride in my name. I will work hard, yes I’m sure its ok, I don’t need anything given, I want to earn what is mine, I don’t mind getting bruised and I know how to play ruff, dirt does not scare me, I promise you I’m tuff.  Just so you know I sometimes over look rules, oops I should have told you I play as I go, you see I’m just no good at being told what to do, don’t let that fool you I still mean what I say, I may not be a conventional player but I’ll only play these games for keep and I only play them my way.

Not that that matter’s, it’s just my girly way… you are still you and I will always be no more than the gossip on her tongue and the lies that spill over everyone’s lips, constantly falling shy of anything that is worth knowing… maybe she’s right and I’m no better than the trash you leave hidden in your closet making sure the coast is clear before you set me out on the curb, all I can say is **** that and ******* I am not some ***** to be called upon by night, wait those are her words, I know that’s not your opinion of me, I just get so frustrated not knowing why it is she says this about me.

I am a lady and should be treated as such, I cannot help that you are all jealous because I have the courage to do and say what I want.

I know you see this about me, I know you want more, I don’t need to hear sweet nothings although sometimes it can be nice, I’d rather hear the words left unsaid that your hips tell me when I’m so deep inside you, your back against my floor, we have a different way of communicating that none of them can grasp, I’m sorry they don’t like me. I wish I could be a picture perfect girl, but it is what it is and I am not a liar  and my honesty brings heat, but if you don’t mind then please do not stop, my mind is open for whatever it is that you want.

The days pass with an uncertainty.
I feel as if I am watching life happen to me.
Then I often find myself waiting for life to happen.
Wake up, go to work, go to sleep.

Is this even living?
Never questioning...
Just doing, keep going, keep going.

Whats the point without someone to love... to call my own.
And even then, will I know what its like to find her?
Will I be smart enough to see her when she's standing next to me?
A cross from me, or when we both blush from a fumbling touch.

Will she give like I will give?
Not for any other reason than, we wanted to.

And if I meet the one I choose, the one who is my match...
What if I am not hers? Do I give up, move on,
settle for less just so I am not alone?

Or do I wait until one day she gets its.
Her eyes will catch mine and she'll see...
She'll see what she's been looking for all this time is me.

These vague pointless conversations racing back and forth in my head,
trying to solve this riddle.

"Will she love me, or at least want me, or will she not?"

The days are smearing together,
Time moving slower.
I sit, still waiting for life to happen.

Its all happening so fast,
the way you look at me,
the way we make the other laugh.

Why do we hesitate before we hug?
Maybe because there is something more we're scared to feel
through the others touch.

And how it hurts to see you in her arms.
To watch as her wave of so called love,
crashes down on you and causes you harm.

I want to be the one to draw your name
and show you there's a better way,
than to take her inflicting games of pain.
I know your scared to let her go,
you think years will pass once again and you'll be left alone.

But I will be by your side fighting the drifting tide,
and maybe when your ready to see that this storm happened to bring you  crashing into me.

Until that day I will be your friend
and that girl who waits secretly for you to love again.
I will be there to give a hand,
I will be the one to hold your pillow
smeared black and soaked with tears,
to whisper the words that will take away all your fears.

I will be the girl to love and hold you till no end,
maybe that's when you'll see...
what you've been lacking is not knowing you love me.

Every day you fade a little more from my world.
Every day another piece of my heart falls away.
I remember rocking you to sleep, holding you to my breast.
Your little fingers wrapped around my thumb.

Now I fall to sleep with your imprint by my side.
I sang your song to ease your fears...
Now I sing it to lighten my tears.

The harder I work to get you back...
the less I see you.
Not this weekend...
but the next.

I swallow your memory down.
I have gotten really good at not thinking of you at all.

Is this wrong, to know I was never meant to be a single mom?
How detached can a mother be from child?
Out of sight...
Out of mind.

Maybe I could have been stronger...
Maybe I could have fought harder...
Maybe losing you was my hearts true desire.