The taste of fermented fruit and wheat

linger on my breath the morning after

walking out on the only thing that mattered.


Nothing makes sense without you...


Now the romours are spreading and

I try not to believe them, but I caught wind

that you think I left to be with Shannon.


That could not be further from the truth

but you go ahead, believe want you want,

you always do.


But just incase you were wondering

I left because of you.


Whatever it takes to keep me off your mind

whatever it takes to turn me into the bad guy.


What happened to fighting for me and for us?

What happened to showing me your best?


How am I the one who hurt you?

oh wait... I walked away

I am the one that left before you.


Well you know I did not mean it

you know i am impaitent.

for ***** sake, im working on it.

Am I not allowed to ever get frustrated or be forgiven?

im that extra bottle of wine.

the one you pull out to help pass the time.

you keep me there until you drink your fill.

then put me back against my will.

but i would never dare complain.

i just let the bottle fill up with distain.

i give you comfort when theres nowhere left to turn.

i numb you over until your stomache starts to burn.

then you leave me and go to sleep.

with the part of me you drink and keep.

like an hourglass, i tip and empty.

just like everyone you've used before me.

can you rewind that

just to show me what happened

i must have been sleeping

because thats not the story i heard and

im debating the facts

when they come from your mouth

your a compass on a magnet

going north but saying south

im watching the clips

as they play in my head

and i keep them on loop

so i can watch them again.

because theres something i'm missing

something you wont say

and its your lack of words

that drive me away

so please keep your silence

because i dont think i could stand

to hear the lies that sound past your lips

lucky for you i dont trash you

behind your back...  

lucky for you i am still your friend

but for me, after all that i've done

after the love that i gave

you remain the biggest waste of time

and please excuse me when i say

i'll never speak your name,  or  

trust you again, and I wont think twice

about you as an us because now i know

that the best choice i ever made

was walking away and not giving a ****.

its just my misinterpretation

i've gotta look around

so stuck on where im headed

i've lost what sense i'd found.

sometimes i walk backwards

so i can look at where i've been

and face the world uncertain

of just where to begin.

i like starting over

when the world feels fresh and new

i like when i close my eyes

and shield everything from view.

sometimes i see more clearly

when its too dark to see at all

i make mistakes and stumble

but im not afraid to fall.

i like misinterpretaions.

because they're different from what you are

you're so stuck on where you're headed

just take some time to blink.

do you know where youre going?

in these circles that you walk.

your journey has just started

following a path of yellow sidewalk chalk.

Looking out into the night, I see nothing sitting here on the ledge of my studio window. Or rather I see what other's might over look and view as nothing- nothing speacial. A deck that seperates twin apartment buildings, an old tree, the street to my right and the remains of a broken building and weathered fence to my left.

This is the first place I have ever called my own- neighbor's that embrace with love and friendship become a second family in their simple way. I am sad to leave.

I have been alone so long that Im not sure how to be around people, let alone let someone stay a while.

I like my simple close friends- support its taken me what seems like a life time to earn and find. I like who I am and the woman I am becoming. Its uncomplicated, and yet still tangled in this flesh is every story- every person who has ever touched it. I hold their memories, trying to always learn from what each one left behind.

Laughter, love, a voice of my own, forgiveness, bridges burnt, bridges rebuilt- responsibility for my actions and the every day learning struggle of not letting people project their feelings on to me and trying my hardest to not project my own feelings on to them...

I guess, I just hope the people in my life that do stick around- the ones that took another look, the ones who truely cared to get to know me- know that even though I **** at showing them at times - that I simply love them, in the simplest way possible.

"love the ones that treat you right- and forget the ones that dont"

Thats kind of been my moto since my birthday this year. I am not one to judge- I know I have ****** up- we all do... and for me forgiveness is the one gift that can be recieved, or given- in a world where people seem to know only how to walk away- that makes all the difference. I thought thats how I wanted to be... the one that leaves first so they never feel the bite of sadness but thats not my way, it never has been.

So I say " first love yourself, staying true to your own heart, then love the ones that treat you right and the ones that treat you wrong- learn to forgive- learn to speak less and do more. Love is an action, we can say it all day... but if we do not learn to show each other, then it means little."-me

Some days I do not feel so strong.

I do not feel beautiful or smart

Some days I could care less, not really feeling much at all.


I want to make a connection I want you to see something worth anything inside of me. When will fear stop
cornering us in, and allow us all too simply be who we are or what we could be? when will we all stop being afraid to give or be loved?

I do not want those habits. I try my hardest to be fearless, always striving for more than what I am told I can accomplish, my feet do falter and I am far from perfect, but I am trying. Everything we see was thought up and created, what is that quote... "You can only see as far as you think". I am thinking ahead, farther than ever before and I will not settle and I will not let anyone stand in my way of happiness unless I choose to give it for something or someone I think is more deserving. We all deserve to be loved and we all need to know what it's like to love more than ourselves. I am not sure where I am going with this... just sharing my thoughts and my truths.

On days like today my world is good and I am at peace in my own skin... this skin...this home, the only one I can truely call my own- and this skin...my flesh that made my stomache turn, once worn and hated by the child it covered, a blanket to hide my shame, that guilt and despair, empty promises- broken dreams, now seems like a distant memory...

It's all current, a constant emotion, that tug of war with past, present, future... but today... I love myself, I see my good and I have walked with my dark holding it's hand... my light shines on. Anything I want will be mine, anything I need will be had, my heart has healed and my eye's are open, everything I do from this moment on will be done with a passion, that will not succume. I walk towards my goals, never settling, giving my all until it's got...

Feet guide me, eye's see beyond lies spoken by the sweetest lips, voice speek steady, staying true to myself and skin... this skin I call my own... yes skin protect me from any lover's touch that might scorch my flesh or burn my heart. I live in this skin, and in it's foundation of flesh and words I find strength in myself.