Sometimes it's hard for me to understand the people around me. There are so many sides to someone- there are so many sides to me. I think people are meant to be found, to be discovered, to take a second glance; when normally you'd walk away. At times all they need is a chance, forgiveness, understanding, a smile- or the slight brush of a hand. I look around and perceive people who are afraid to live, to love, afraid to communicate face to face... to take chances on people, scared to death of anything different or to experience anything substantial.

I try to be daring. I try to live outside the lines, to be vulnerable, to always be true to my own heart. And yet, I still find myself becoming detached and I too am just as lost as the rest. I don’t want to live in fear. I will not be silenced. I will not stop throwing myself into life or love and I will not give up. I want to make a connection that’s real, that lasts. I can only live for me, but I will always lay down my pride for the people I love, who truly understand me, because for me there is no pride when it comes to showing people you need them- only stupidity. I refuse to give up on any of you and I surrender my pride at your feet. But I take my stand here, and I stand here for you, you and you.

"Went into gods housse saw the light and walked right out, went into gods house, its more fun in the dark house" (singing)

From the age of 6 to 12 she danced your dance and learned your tricks. You see a child does not understand when you steal its innocenes, but after all thats the point to make it her fault and to take away her self worth. I remember waking to see him standing over her, exsposed and when he was done defiling her body he forced her to the grownd and on her knees to pray for her sin, to pray for her sin. Her eyes filled up with hate and tears, but she swallowed and pushed them down, and began to say her prayer.
"Father in heaven help me from tempting men, drive out my deamons and take away my beauty. Father make me clean, father make me clean, make me clean..."

When he left I looked in her eyes to see that she believed it was her fault, that she was some how responceable for the pain he was inflicting. I went to her and scooped her in my arms, held her to my chest. I tried to find the words to say, but there was nothing I could do except hold her in my arms while she cried. Blood stained tears rolled down her cheek to forever stain my heart. She made me promise not to tell, a promise I kept at the age of 12, I never told a soul of what I knew. We talked all night of how some day she would fly away.

A week later she was found, her body ravaged, beaten, smelling of copper and ***. I lost my faith that day. You see, she said that prayer for 6 yrs and beged so many for help that never came, help nver came. A girl of 12 who's only dream was to fly, help never came. So many before and after have danced her dance and help never came, justice never found.

"Went into gods house saw the light and walked right out, went into gods house its more fun in the dark house" (singing)

There I go down on my knees,
And let me just tell you its not my first time.

This is not what I want, let me put it simply...
I'm ******.

Do you hear me screaming?
No you don't, No you don't.

This is me crying out deliriously.
I want love, I want attention...
I want a ******* chance.
Your not givin' it up and I can't stand the sight of you...
or you, or you.

No, let me rephrase this.

I am delirious from starvation.
I am not eating or sleeping
And my insides are twisting
And I am missing these arms that I created to hold me,
For you see my mind has now left me.
I see you there and
I want so badly for that girl to be here...
right here... but she's not.

So I am on my knees with this load in my mouth,
metaphorically and literally.

Does anyone ******* hear me!?

Does anyone see me becoming smaller and smaller until one day I am nothing more than your old favorite pair of sneakers, worn out and torn.That you put in a bag and gave to Goodwill, that now lies in a landfill smelling of ****.

It's hard when you realize all the moments, all the smiles, and all the love you have shared with someone is only felt one way and this is even harder still to accecpt, exspecially when every bone in your body tells you to keep holding on . . . just a little while longer and they will see that you are the one who will love them for all the good, for all the bad and they will realize that they love you this way back . . .

No matter how much you love someone, if they do not see it, if they do not feel it... then its wrong and they are not your match... not the one for you.

Relationships are hard, they take work, but both parties have to put forth the effort or they simply do not work. I have been on both sides. I have walked away because I did not feel the same and I have been inlove with someone who never has and never will love me.

Well I could sit here and write that you get over it, and move the **** on, I could be cut and dry. I also however know that no one can help how they feel and its not so easy for most to simply just stop feeling the way they do. Otherwise I do not think women would have such a hard time with ***. ( come on, thats funny)

Anyways my point I guess is this, all we can do is our best. If your heart is breaking, then face it, cry, scream, hurt, fall to the ground, lose that 10 lbs from not eating (just kidding, dont do that), feel your pain with all you have. Then take a deep breath, dry your eyes, pick yourself up, say goodbye, learn, and move forward. Let your family and friends embrace you, get a ******* hobby, and realize that there is someone out there waiting to find you.

"Change your thoughts and change your world"~unknown

Taryn, you motivate and remind me of just how strong I am, always constant, always true, loving my every flaw. You are my helping hand, my voice of reason, my cup of tea and my bowl of soup. Thank you for speaking words to help heal my spirit, drying my eyes, and letting me blow my nose on your shirt. I love you, you are my Favoriet, never forget that, even though I am not always the best at showing you sometimes. . . my sister, my best friend, my heart.

We seem to walk listlessly about searching for anything but joy in what we already have. In youth time drags on, passing unbearably slow. Then one day you wake to find you are left wanting… wanting more of everything and anything; something to satisfy, to feed, scrambling, tripping to get to the top…

The top of what?

A need to feel full…

Full for what?

Time moves fast, too fast now and the only point to it all I believe is love, love of that girl, that boy, love of family or a friend. That companion to pass the time with, to enjoy what you have together, knowing you are not and will not be alone.

I want to let you get close… to hold you so close. I am afraid of what you think when you look in my eyes. I want you to think I am beautiful and I long to hear you speak to me thus, to know your truths and have you speak openly, easing my fear’s, calming my mind and touching my heart.

When I find you, I will simply know. I will love with an open mind always communicating my thoughts, my feelings. I will not judge or demean you, but let you teach me, learning the ways to your heart. I will keep it safe providing all that it needs… yes love, you give me the courage to keep going, walking forward and when my feet falter it is love that helps me stand again. I do not believe in ever’s and never’s…

I believe in communication, understanding, I believe in grey, the ability to learn, in tolerance, and I believe in the people around me to do good not by my standards but by their own. Yes love, I see and feel you in every day; and every moment that passes I believe leads me on my path to you.

To assimilate

your way of

thinking, I'd

have to not

love myself.

To be what

you say,

I am not

I will not

be what I

can not be

a liar...

like you.

Straight

and

narrow minded

like you.

I am me

A lover of women

A lover of men

the *** in your closet.

A woman in love

with being in love.

A defender

of the unforgiven,

the denied, and ashamed.

I will not go

not go gently

I will make

a presence

My voice will

shake mountains

my will unyielding.

I am not

what you say.

I am love

I have love

will share, receive

and give love.

I am not

will never

be what you

depict me to be.

insecure

I am not

A liar

I am not

Ugly

I am not

A threat

**** right

Strength

and

Beauty

Passion only succuming

between my lover's thighs

and my thirst

quenched by lover's lip's.

I am a woman

who loves her enemies

always reminding me

of what I will

not allow

myself to be...

a person projecting their

feelings onto other's

I am not-

like you.

Home…  I think I may find you this time and not so much in the place I have been looking these 26 years- but in myself. I feel my anger rising, my resentment strong, and my will bending to it.  The fights within me, the turmoil of past events struggle to break free, longing to rage without interference. Love and sorrow battling within this flesh I am learning to call home; threatening to rip apart before I have fully moved into its shelter of bone and skin.  All that holds my walls together is a strong purpose to succeed… to forgive.  And the thought of anything but love prevailing tears me apart, tipping the scale in favor of my grief and anger- and I am lost all over again without a home to lay my head.