In the smallest things I found it,
It was never expensive to get,
I was shocked how free and available it has always been.

All along happinness has been around me,
I just needed to realise that I've  always been happy.

I badly wanted to cry,
To scream my lungs out,
But I forced a smile on my face,
And watched them be deceived by my laughter.

I guess I wanna be selfish sometimes,
But how can I when every fabric of my being
Rebels strongly against it.
How can I turn a blind eye to their sufferings,
When my heart aches with empathy.
How can I stay indifferent to one's hardships,
When my thoughts torment me at night.
How can I be emotionally detached,
When I involuntarily place myself in their shoes.
How can I simply walk away,
When I keep on bleeding from pangs of guilt.
I can't help it, it's part of me,
To gravitate towards their cry for help.

My chest is no longer heavy,
My heart is light like a feather,
For I have decided to let my worries go,
Have let the grudges die.
I've chosen love over anger, bitterness and hatred.
And for the first time in my life,
I know what it means to be free.

Just like light, you appeared
Illuminating the darkness away.
Just like a glimpse of hope, you came
To resurrect the still bones in me.
Just like a breath of air, you filled my lungs
Storming death like a flood.
Just like yesterday, I was gone
But now am born again.

Just random
Why waste time planning everything out?
Why not just leave it to chance?

Does it always have to be planned out?
Systematically  running like sequences.
Then why can we never predict our future?

Here I am once gain
Or should I say going on fifth.
Repeatedly failing at something
I desperately need,
Which others have got in a go.

Some advise to take a short cut,
"What's the big deal??? The majority do so".
Just a few cashouts to give behind closed doors
And it will be as quick as a snap.
A sure deal for never going through it again.

But I find myself with a refusal
Attempted to, but can't get passed the guilt that would consume me,
Of cheating the principles I stand for.
Throwing away my mother's upbringing,
And compromising my own integrity.

It hurts to go through it over and over again,
Every fail is like a heavy blow in the face.
I ask myself, "where is the Lord my God?"
Or perhaps my many sins have caught up with me,
And am abandoned.

I now plead for mercy,
For I've tried and I've failed.