So many things containing those words.
And all of them are true.
I hope that you will be my last true love, because you are also my first.
I hope you will be the first to love me intimately, and also be the last.

I wish that you could be the last thing I see before I drift into our dreamland,
And the first sight when I awake.

The first to tell your secrets, and the last to let go of.

The last to leave, the first to see, truly.

It seems as my time has passed.
Giving me a numb feeling unless you are near.
I can barely speak, barely think without crying
Or saying something I will regret.
The weather gives me chills.
The sky seems less colorful.
But you, my love,
You make everything bright.
The colors I see in you, dear, are vibrant.
The veins your life runs through are beautiful.
And I feel more alive under your touch than I did
In the summer wind, diving into a lake.
You are always summer, dear.
For me, you are. But am I summer for you?
Do I give you the life you need?
It is never out of season for me, love.
Join me.

It's been hard to live.
It really has. And my entire life has been sad.
Crying myself to sleep. Scratching my skin open with
My fingernails in the middle of class.
And having green ink poisoning. Trying to **** myself
Slowly.
It's not working. Then you came. All of you, but especially you.
I never knew what happy was. But you gave me a peek.
One or two words out of a novel.
And there is no cure. You can't buy the book with the loose change in your pocket.
You can't steal the magic beans from the man who already planted them.
They grew in my mind, a monster. I can't cut them down.
Or defeat the giant that growls in my ear that he will **** me.

I am not strong enough.
I never was.
Because the beanstalk blocked the sun and the moon.
And I never knew what happy was.

Beautiful tragedy, life is. Nothing understood and
Judgement always comes first. I cannot find...
I am crashing into brick walls over, and over,
And over,
And over,
And over,
And... I am a broken record. I forget
When I say things. If I say things.
I need to just stay silent. Sew my mouth shut with thick black thread.
I can say more that way.
I might as well do the same with my eyes.
I can see black that way. I love the view. So tranquil.
But I can still hear you. I want you.

Cut these threads and let me see your eyes. The aqua-green color I can drown in.
It kills me to know you look at me. I don't deserve someone like you.
It drowns me. You do. Because you love me. And you
Allow me
To love you back. Infinitely.

I never want to leave. I love you I love you love you. I love you. I love you. A broken record again.

The misery of repeating things, thinking things. I am a mess.
But I have a vision. A recurring dream.
Stay with me. And it will be a prophecy.
Leave. And it will be a lost desire. A crushed hope.
But it gives me something to live for.
I love the pain. Thinking about bad things, my demons, is my harm. My release.
That or you. You touch me, play with me. My mind goes wild. But we haven't gone that far at all.
You just amplify this adrenaline.
It blinds me. Sight goes fuzzy, flash, blackness.
That is the blackness I remember.

Did I tell you I once thought myself insane?
I saw the nightmares you only dream of. Every waking hour.
My brother had nightmares about shadows following him. He screamed as he woke up.
He never saw them outside of his blankets.

I did. They tugged at my hair. Gave me chills. Distracted me.
They followed me constantly, but they were my friends. They knew me.
And they were pitch black. Midnight. No light. No light. No light.
Broken records, scratched CDs.
I am a broken record again. Just a dark disc turning, spinning, turning, spinning.
I am dizzy. I faint. I sleep.

This is the blackness I remember.

I am treated like a queen, the one woman in the world.
Why do you?
I am full of faults, mistakes, and I am a *****.
I don't deserve you. I don't.
I've felt that way for a long time. You are
Perfect.
Why did you choose someone like me?

I feel the anxiety creeping up my arms. My hands are shaking, and I feel fragile, broken, hollow. There are pieces inside rattling like a piggy bank with only a few pennies. I an shivering I am cold.

I just froze.

I couldn't move and I don't know why and I am freezing. The voice at the front of the room makes sense but it doesn't. I get it but only on paper. I am numb. I feel sick. I feel


Gone.

Send this jeweled watch flying out the window,
It's silly, clattering wings flapping, struggling
To keep it up.
My world has crashed once, you stupid creature.
And it is your fault. Horrid
Clock.
Time is your weapon.
But now, I am a ghost.

Your ticking sword does not cut me.

This tilted mirror shows what once was
The me I felt most alive in. A small bird perched
On a branch, on my finger, in my hair.
She was always with me.
We are a jilted person.
Disconnected and abandoned.
I am sorry, bird, but I will
No longer hear your song.

Your life is not mine.
And the confusion spreading like flame
Burns me half to death.
But you... You are not a Phoenix.
You aren't allowed to crackle.
Ashes don't come from you, bird.

You just simply die.

Something my teacher said.
A thousand insects in one tree.

He's talking about us.
Not directly, but that life isn't it?

We are all ****** up little things in the world.
Some of us have a billion legs. Disgusting creatures.
Some have crazy fangs to rip out throats.
Some have eight eyes and see the world as a big moving picture.

But we are all insects with piercing eyes and spindly limbs and
Screwy bodies.
It's this of us with wings that can see above it.
Show their colors.

And those are the bugs that are not scary to live with.

Throw a tomato! They're squishy...
Snails are too though, but you can't
Toss them too well.
You could use them like a baseball?
"Hey, batter batter. Swing!"
Touchdown!
But...
T
H
I
S
Isn't high school.
And we aren't jocks.
We just throw cabbages and rotten potatoes
Po-tah-toes.
Tomatoes.
To-mah-toes.
Lets call the whole thing off...

Let me be the one to see
The only thing between us
Dissolve
Not now, but soon enough,
We will feel the remaining distance

Come closer.
Closer, love, and I will heal all of your pain.

This current adrenaline is satisfying, for now,
But won't be enough.
In our minds eye, we know how close we are,
And how close we could be.

See the colors burning bright,
Burning for us.
Simmering under the weight of this love.
Charred under the heat of this lust we share.

Overcome it.
Tell it who is boss and whip it into shape.
I am not afraid anymore. I took control.


Let out your emotions, you fears.
Verbalize your confusion.
I did, an I am better.
Tell it to ******* and figure out how to fix itself.
Turn it into something light.
Bright.
Lovely.

Your demons don't possess you anymore, lover.
Because, in a way,
You are a demon yourself.

We all are.

We possess ourselves.

I need someone,
Preferably you,
To sleep next to me.
Pull my body tight against you and whisper against my spine.
Snake your arm around my waist
And tickle my hips to wake me in the morning.
Kiss me softly and ask to lay there again.

Please, love...
Just five more minutes.

I still feel the same as I did when you hugged me for the first time.
You were so nervous,
Your voice shook.
And you seemed to stand on your toes as if you were trying to fly.

And that was five months ago!
It still feels like yesterday; and to think we've lasted through so much...

In this circumstance, it seems like life is a ****** high school girl who bullies
And ruins people's lives. And we are the weird ones that don't care what she does to us.
We are the karma that will kick her as in the long run.

And we will always be the most awesome couplethe world has ever known.

In between is where the ghouls are.
The gnomes, the sprites.
The mischievous ones that give you hell.
Today is a 'tween place.
One day, rest, another day, rest.

Sad day, rest, happy day, rest.

And today is a 'tween place.
I sense bad things. Clumsiness or confusion.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

I am stuck in a maze.

Full of mirrors
And I can see people who look just like me.

They are me.
Aren't me.
Are me aren't me;
I don't know anymore.

I am Kaydee.
I am Kestrel.
I am Kagami.
I have many names.

And all of them are stuck in this maze with me.

I am dressed in iron. Layers of it.
Sweat and blood mingling with tears.

And it rusts.

And erodes.

And crumbles.

And soon, my strong persona
Will be gone.
Or maybe it already is?
I've tried so hard to care for my armor,
But everything decays after a while.

I am exposed.

My fragile body is bare now,
And this glass figurine is crying.

She wants to be wrapped in steel this time. Titanium.
That way, she won't break as easily.
And her tears will no longer clatter on the floor,
Shattering into bright little stars.

They don't deserve to be stars.
They are dull.
She may hurt, but her tears are empty.
She has no tears left.

She gave those away too long ago, and they were lost.

And they were bright.
Wasted.


And she wants to be covered in molasses.
Maybe then, when she finds her tears again,
They will stick to her, and never leave.
Maybe she could use them again.

Reduce Reuse Recycle.
She could save her world, and allow
Other pains
To sleep there.
Absorb them from the creatures
She talks to daily.
Hiding them in her iron.
Steel.
Titanium.
Molasses.


Anything is better than
Glass.

It's been five months since
Not one thing, but another.
And I would have not remembered,
But it keeps getting brought up.

I've gotten help.
But not because I can't cope.
I need help because you are taking over me.
Stalking, suffocating,
Using me as a puppet.

And it's been five months today.
April 24th. 9:13pm.

Two days.

Don't mention it....
Don't, or I swear I'll...

You mentioned it. The
Elephant
In the room.
We didn't want to mention it!
Don't talk about it! You'll
Chase it away.

We need it here, don't hurt it's feelings!

We need something to
Do.
Something to
Talk about.

Don't fix it.

We crave the drama.

I've gotten over it.
It has all been said and done.

I tied a bandanna tightly around my neck.
I tried to **** myself.
My phone buzzed.
I reached.
The knots untied themselves.
And now, I am still here.

I've forgotten, or at least have gotten over it.
Now, it's everyone else's turn.

My eyes hurt.
My nose burns.
And my head throbs with things once forgotten.
I wanted so ******* badly to forget.

And now, I'm forced to relive it.

I tried to ******* **** myself.
Why would you bring that up again?
Why would you ask me why?
How?
When?
It makes me remember when I'd already lost it.

I can't pay attention to the things that should matter
To a fifteen year old girl.

I can't just daydream about kissing my boyfriend or
Stress over the coming math test.

Because I'm too busy killing myself with memories.

I am falling apart...
I am ******* falling apart.
Everything has gone wrong.

You find out, yell at me,
Keep me caged in.
And now I can't think at all.

I didn't do my assignment.
I didn't even know I had it!
And before that, I got every question wrong.

I don't even care anymore.
This comes first.
And plus, a few assignments won't affect me too much.
The tests though...

But it is simple.
I know the numbers,
I know the properties.

But what I don't know is how to ******* fix myself.

I can't control you and I can't make you
LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!

I can't fix this.
And I can't run.

I have too much to lose.

I need you to do a job for me.
Satisfy me in the way only you can.

I've craved your touch day and night,
And I know how it feels to have your lips
On my body.
The feeling, the memory is engraved in my brain.

But I need more.

Do this job for me,
And I will pay you back in any way I can.

Karma is a *****.
You heard the saying so many times.
What goes around comes around.
The golden rule.
Whatever.

Karma is a *****.
But not to the people who deserve it.
The people who were the nice ones,
Who have  been suffocated;
Their payment is long overdue.
I know a lot of people, including myself,
That have struggled to be kind for so long.
They have completely possessed the person
They once were.


Lately I've been a *****.
Please forgive me.

Ive tried for so long.
And I can not deal with this anymore.
I feel the need to rebel.
Because it is something to do.

You would do it to.
And most likely have
If you have been as caged in
As I was.