I always say it. "Thank god."
But, here's the thing; I always thought that God would save the helpless, cure the sick and sad. And at least take the pain away.
So many things happened to me throughout my life. I was hopeless. Rumors always seemed to be about me, people lied to me, laughed at me, friends isolated me and left. I was alone at school. At home, my parents always seemed to favor my brother. I would go home, grab a snack, and do my work. Read. The entire time, my mom was drinking, watching tv and occasionally helping my brother impatiently with his homework. My father worked. And he came home late. And he drank.
And they both smoked, but at least they were 'courteous' enough to do it outside.
They did quit the alcohol and the tobacco, but still something was off. My dad lied, still drank, my mothers temper got even shorter. Scream was all she ever did. I loved school, not to learn, but to get away.
It didn't help that I had a disease in my ****** up head. It made it so I was always sad, nothing else. It soon got to be too much.
Earlier this year, April 24, 2013,
Everything was at its worst. I barely had anyone that I could trust. Two friends were there, but they didn't know about me. I was the happy, energetic, bisexual girl who wouldn't shut up. I was strong, made people happy. I was the one who didn't believe in god. If only they knew why.
He never came. I prayed for help. I wanted out. Day in and day out, my mind was on my brother and me. Our lives and how much we wanted...
No...
Needed it to get better.
I trusted him. I did, and I loved him.
Until he abandoned me.
Now, I believe in another. I dont worship, I dont pray, because I know she is with me either way. We have a connection, you see. She just knows. She is always there for anyone. People talk of miracles, and they talk of God, but only hear those stories from the liars, the fakes. Sometimes I will hear genuine stories of God helping them, and I believe them. I just think, "wow, God sure loves them. I hope that they are happy as ****, because I am sure not. "
I dont think God performs miracles. I believe tht the nameless God people speak of is an escape, a heavy fog that falls on reality. I know of so many who are clouded and ignorant because "God says so." God does nothing but hurt people, and he isnt even real. Life is. Energy, the world around us is alive, gives us life. Life herself is what performs miracles. Knowing and using the earth for what its intended for.
I did, and I was better. But still, not completely. People still lied, I was still in pain, I was still a mistake on legs. And I tried.
To all of those suicidal depression peeps of mine, you know what I mean, if not, look back at my poetry, if you know which alternate persona to look at.
I tried. And the one time I needed God, he wasnt there. But Life, she somehow put a message into a man's head. He wanted to talk to me. And I heard the phone buzz. God cannot do that. People speak of god telling them things, and that is all. No thought other than God and his miracle. But he had no clue until a few months ago.
Thank God that this ****** up world is as it should be! But to tell the truth, I think it needs a bit less sarcasm.
How about DONT thank God because he doesnt do ****. Take it from me.
My entire life, I have been ****** over. My entire life I have hoped and prayed and needed something to happen. My entire life, or since I can remember, I have contemplated suicide, and the one time it might have happened, he wasnt there. But, somehow, you saved me. But the God that you believe in, had no part in it.