I am terrified
to only exist
in past tense.

I can only talk about you
in past tense.
I can never say
you will
or
you are.
its just
you were.

Can you hear me
talk about you
in
past tense?

I'm too scared
to get out of bed.

Something bad will happen
if I get out of bed.

I can't go to work
because it means getting out of bed.

How can I be okay
if I have to get out of bed?

But
how can I be happy
if I don't get out of bed?

I wear those white tights
with the hole
and the grass stain
every time they make me
see you.

I wear those white tights
only for you
only so you can see
what you did
to me.

I wear those white tights
because they are no longer perfect
just like me
because you ruined
both of us.

I wear those white tights
so you will remember
so you will be ashamed
so you will know
I will never forget.

I wear those white tights
with the hole
and the grass stain
every time they make me
see you.

You stopped speaking.
Not a single word leaves your mouth.
I was scared
when I saw you
again,
for the first time
in years.
I hoped you were gone
forever.

You do not speak
but I know you are listening.
And worst of all
you are
watching
me.

I
am
afraid.

Just the way
you like me.

You are the girl
who speaks in poetry
You control every word
you count syllables
and understand rhythm
you can even rhyme  
without seeming silly.
You are the girl
who does not know tragedy
but can write about it.
You are the girl
who drinks wine
on her roof
and wishes she could see the stars
because that would be
so
poetic.
You are the girl
who is so arrogant
because you can speak
in poetry
and I can't even write it.

You told me smoking
would make me skinny.
You put your cigarette out
on my back
and told me
beauty is pain.


I still have the scar

You are boring.
I do not care
about your band
or your scene
or your beard.
I do not care
about your politics
or your love
or your family.
I do not care.
You are a trainwreck
and I hate that I can't look away