Its been 3624 days
since I last saw you.
I had to look up the number.
If you had told me
3623 days ago
I would quit counting the number
I wouldn't have believed it.
I thought every day would only matter
as days since.
And now
I'm not positive
I'm remembering the right day.
the 15th sounds right
It was a Friday, right?
I think it was the 15th
I promise I'm not forgetting you.

I told someone about you the other day.
I said,
"yeah, thats actually how my best friend died."
they said sorry.
I said,
"Thanks, its okay, its been a long time"

I promise I'm not forgetting you
Its just been a long time

I can only hope
you aren't the new me.
Maybe he loved you
and held you
and stroked your face
wiped your tears
and you had no fear.
Maybe he never hurt you.
Or
maybe
you can't sleep.
You're scared.
And you think
no one
understands.
Because no one understood
when it was me.
I can only hope you aren't the new me.
If you are,
that's on me
as much as it's on him.
If I had spoken up
gotten help
gotten free
you could've been safe.
I hope you sleep well.
I hope you aren't the new me.

They told me I needed to forgive you.
I had to be
the
bigger
person.
You needed them
more than I did.
They didn't believe me.
I wonder if they realize now
I wonder if they lie awake at night
thinking about how they told me
to forgive you

Then

You watched me smoke my first cigarette.
You gave me my first kiss.
You held my hand.
You were the first to call me beautiful.
You were the first to touch me.
My first love.

Now

I still have nightmares.
I don't know how to sleep.
I can still feel you.
I can't forget your hand on my mouth.
I am still scared.
My biggest fear.

I kept those tights for years.
I thought,
maybe
one day,
they would make people realize.

Someone would see the holes
and the stains
you caused.
And they would believe me,
finally.

I realized,
I had to let you go.
I had already let you get away with what you did.
I had to let you go
from my mind.
From my drawer.

The white tights would never be enough evidence
and I could hear the holes
and the stains
as I tried to finally get
some ******* sleep

They invited him to dinner,
moments after he was done with me.
Minutes after his hands were on me.
After his hand was over my mouth,
So they wouldn't hear me say no.

We sat at the table.
I think I was still bleeding.
You asked them to pass the corn.
I prayed the ****** didn't break.
We prayed as a family.
Thanked God for having us all come together that day.

I felt the bruises form.
I thought for just a second,
they could be proof.
But then my father laughed at me
with him.
I didn't think I would be believed.

If I was believed,
if they thought they could trust
their little
drama
queen
they'd blame themselves.

They passed him the corn.

I stayed silent

You were so drunk that night
You fell again and again,
no one there to help you carry that cross.
No one helped me carry mine.
I want to be your Simon,
I want to ease your pain,
share your burden.
But I am too weak still.
My back is still broken
from carrying my cross up that hill.

You are nothing like Jesus.
But right now you both know each other's pain