Sitting on my own
The room is full with people
But I'm still alone.

Hand tight
I hold the balloon.
The balloon that holds
All my secrets.
It's ready to pop.

Hands turning white
As I say I'm not ready.
But I'm feeling it slip
Ready to reveal
To everyone around.

I know it's time
As I slowly release it.
My hand numb
From trying so hard
At keeping it down.

Slowly it rises
And I watch it go.
Telling myself
That it doesn't matter,
Not anymore.

I turn to leave
As I hear it pop.
But I keep walking
Knowing they all heard
The secrets I've finally shared.

I'm tired of the rules-
the regulations-
on what beautiful means.
It's not a definition
you can copy and repeat.
It's something you just be.

I sit and stare,
as everything changes.
The sky,
turning to gray,
what happened to blue?

I stand and watch
as everything switches.
The ocean,
turning to a rage,
what happened to calm?

I can't help but see,
how everything is different.
Me,
turning to hollow,
what happened to full?

Heart throbbing,
the unnatural tune
that comes with heart ache.

Mind running,
the hectic thoughts
that comes with forgetting.

Tears swelling,
the bursting river
that comes with missing.

Body numb,
the buzzing killed
that comes with sadness.

The feeling of you
Pulling me close,
Is what makes my head spin.
Dizzy.

The touch of your hand
Lightly on my face,
Is what makes my heart hammer.
Thumping.

The smell of you
All around me,
Is what makes me grow weak.
Limp.

You being near,
So close to me,
Is what makes me whole.
Finally full.

Do you remember
When we first talked?
All those butterflies
For one small text.
"Hi"
It started it all.

Do you remember  
That first date?
Holding your hand
It just felt right.
"Fun"
It described it all.

Do you remember
Starting to fall?
All day and night
We let down our walls.
"Crazy"
It showed it all.

Do you remember  
The distance?
No more looks
And no more calls.
"Worried"
I said it all.

Do you remember  
That last word?
The tears began
Never to be stopped.
"Sorry"
It ended it all.

Do you remember
Me anymore?
The girl you held
And smile you saw.
"Love"
It never happened at all.

Dreaming is the pink dress
You twirl in.
Spinning until you're dizzy.

Dreaming is that green tennis ball
bouncing off the pavement.
Alive with excitement  

Dreaming is the yellow lollipop
melting on your tongue.
So sweet, yet short lasting.

Dreaming is the red ant
getting stepped on.
Trying so hard to escape.

Dreaming is what we do
even though we know it's pointless.
But we have to try.

I saw the blank stares
and all the fake smiles.
I wanted to ignore it, but I couldn't.
I wish I could've.
The sound of your footsteps,
loud in my ears,
as you walk away from me.
With each footstep comes a new ache
that I feel on my burning heart,
hurting for you.
The smell of sadness presses in,
suffocating me.
You left me to drown.
And I will drown,
as I taste the saltiness of my tears.

It's hard being her.
The girl who is always
smiling.
She smiles even though she feels
pain.
She has friends who are
perfect.
But she's not.

She's the girl who always
walks
with her head so far
down.
Not knowing that she is so
beautiful.
She hides under her transparent
skin.

She's the girl who
laughs
even though she's dying to
scream.
She just wants to finally let the anger
out;
To let everyone know how she really
feels.

But she's just the girl who
can't.
Because she lets everyone
step
all over her that she now has
footprints
on her already marked, sad
face.

Because she's the girl who people can
see
but never actually listen and
hear
what she's yelling and
scraming
for everyone to finally
notice.

So she stays the girl who
cries.
And who is always covering up her
sadness
with a gleaming, fake
smile.
And who stays deathly quite
always.

Feelings for you is
Like pink bubble gum.
You blow a bubble
And I wait for the pop.

Feelings for you is
Like a poisonous, red flower.
Pretty in a picture
Deadly to the touch.

Feelings for you is
Like dark eternity.
Always there and going but
No questions answered.

Finally
that is all I can say,
all I can manage.

Finally
the truth comes out,
so plain and simple.

Finally
I give a small smile,
a weight lifting.

Finally
I'm letting you go,
this was meant to be.

An elephant
sitting on my chest.
Heavy and hurting.
Making it hard to breath.

Gray clouds
blocking my eyes.
Thick and tiring.
Making it hard to see.

The umbrella
not opening above  me.
Broken and bearing.
Making it hard to feel.

The hardest part
is the training.
When you suddenly
tell yourself not to
think about it.

The hardest part
is the wishing.
Trying to fix
whatever went wrong
so you can begin again.

The hardest part
is the crying.
Telling yourself
that it doesn't matter,
but you know it does.

No, the hardest part
is the missing.
Trying to hold
yourself up
as you're falling apart.

I thought I was done,
I thought me hurting over you
had stopped,
that me smiling at him
would cause the flashbacks
to vanish.
They did stop-
until now.
Maybe they came back because
even though we never had
anything
you seemed to be everything,
and you're everywhere.
You're in the songs I hear,
the sarcastic comments I make,
and the lists we created together.
But with each of these things
comes a red flag
that I chose not to see.
Like how every song we sang
is the saddest of them all.
Or maybe it's because I found out
another lie,
another game changer.
That I wasn't the only one
that you kissed,
Not the only one you used that
great line on.
Or walked away from without
a single ******* glance.
You didn't think I'd find out, right?
"Make a mistake or regret one"
The words that haunt me.
The words that played me for
a fool
on that magical night.
Or maybe they came back
for none of these reasons.
Maybe it's because not only
did you throw away
what we could've been,
but our friendship too.
And I loved you.
So I hate you for that.
I hate that I can't even look at you
because it's not even you anymore,
you've become a monster to me,
and you hid him so well.
But most of all I hate that every time
I look at you
I can still hear those words,
those promises,
and taste your lying lips
so perfectly.
Feel your hands touching my back
taking me to where it all began.
Where we began.
Where this began.
But even more I hate
that I have the power.
and the will,
to hate you this deeply,
and for all this,
I hate myself.

Sitting there,
We're so close.
We feel the heat
Rise to our cheeks.
Together there's sparks.

But then,
She comes.
And I watch you
Turn away from me.
You always choose her.

And again,
I see.
As your eyes light up
And you smile at her.
Knowing it'll never be me.

How is it
That someone can make you fall for them
In the matter of days?
Minutes.
Seconds.
With a smile or a laugh?
With a soft touch that lingers on the skin like butterflies?

How is it
That you can feel so deeply?
Whole.
True.
With  a touch of the lips?
With promises that will be shattered like glass under your shoe?

How is it
That you can become broken so fast?
Quickly.
Painfully.
With the realization that he was never yours?
With lies that cut to the core like a knife through butter?

How is it
That we forget and move on so fast, just to do it again?
And again.
And again.
With the hope that it will change?
With the dreams of finding the one that might not break you into a million pieces the next time through?

As we drive
I feel the summer night.
The smell of lake water
Thick in the air
Makes me feel home.
The feel of sand
between my toes
Reminds me of good times.
The taste of sunshine
Pressed upon my smile
Makes me giggle with you.
The sound of rushing wind
Through my hair
Makes me feel like I could fly.
I see the trees whipping by
As we drive down the
Long summer road.
And I'm infinite.

Infinite summers are
long roads.
Rushing fast you
Watch the minutes
Tick by.

Infinite summers are
Humming speakers.
So loud you
Hear your heartbeat
Thumping.

Infinite summers is
Suffocating sunshine
So sweet you
Can taste it
Melting.

Infinite summers is
Whipping hair.
So crazy you
Feel it going
Wild.

Infinite summers is
Wind kissed lips
So loving you
Taste the Summer
night.

You and I?
We're different.
We are always laughing.
But when we're not,
We make each other smile.
That's just us.

Me and you?
We understand.
We know each other so well,
And always learning more,
We never get bored with it.
That's just us.

Me and him?
We joke.
We make fun of each other,
Making it seem like hate,
But we know it's just love.
That's just us.

Us?
We are soul mates.
I need you as much as you need me,
Because no one can replace you.
I just wish that you could see
That it's supposed to be me.

When I think of you
I see the snow.
Cold.
We paved our path

When I think of you
I see the puddles.
Deep.
We jumped them together

When I think of you
I see the rain.
Pounding.
It hurt my heart.

When I think of you
I see the flowers.
Bright.
They replaced us.

When I think of you
I see the leaves.
Falling.
We picked them up.

When I think of you
I see all of these
Again and again.
We made them.

Until suddenly
When I think of you
I see nothing.
All lost in our eyes.

But there's still a trail in the snow,
and a puddle to jump.  
Rain that hurts my heart,
and  flowers that replace us.

All is there but the leaves.
Left on the ground
Never picked up again.

Letting go is
the blue soap
that bring you relief.
Filling you with senses
that you can keep.

Letting go is
the yellow butter
that makes you happy.
Adding a light taste
on the tip of your tongue.

Letting go is
the silver moon
that makes you excited.
Leaving behind your
old, restless worries.

Letting go is
the green tea
making you relax.
Soothing you and
telling you "it's ok".

Letting go is
something you choose
that brings you back.
Seeing things that
you haven't before.

Feeling hollow
she goes,
all alone,
down her sad,
little,
broken road.
Stepping over
cracks,
that she calls
her mistakes,
regrets.
Cars rushing,
they leave her
behind to deal.
To see,
that it isn't
Everything.
That it's really
nothing.
She knows this,
of course,
but she can't help
but feel
out of sorts.
Feeling
So broken hearted.
They crushed her,
you see,
and she just
has to believe,
that she
has the strength
to pull herself up
again.

Leaky eyes
And silent sobs
I thought it was over
But it just begun
Again.

Bunched Kleenex
And wakening nights
The pain is back
But did it leave
Ever.

Wet pillows
And slow minutes
I want to feel
But happiness doesn't
Come

Missing you is
A soft breeze,
Sliding and shifting around,
Quietly Trying to find
It's place in the world.

Missing you is
The dark, gray cloud
Floating In the sky,
Desperately Holding in
All the rain drops.

Missing you is
The bright gleaming sun
Disappearing From the sky,
All sense of warmth
Replaced by a shiver.

Missing you is
The best piece of me,
Saddened and aching,
Needing you.
Missing you.

She stands there,
Staring.
Her reflection in the mirror
watching her carefully.
The inside so much different.

She turns on the water,
Flowing.
She slowly rises the water,
feeling the moisture on her face.
Washing away her mask.

Watching the makeup,
Rinsing.
Nothing is left but her scars
and the bruises yet to heal.
The pain that she hides so well.

Stepping away,
Carefully.
She doesn't face the mirror.
Not wanting to see the monster
that she knew had appeared.

She waits for his answer
But she already knows
See this isn't the first time.

Again he took her
And she let him once again
No, this isn't the first time.

I let myself fall
Again getting hurt
But knowing it was my fault.

Always my fault.

When I walk away
the ache lessens.
I can almost even
forget.

When I walk away
he slips my mind.
It's like he wasn't even
there.

But when I walk away
I have to walk back.
And then the ache starts
again.

No one close
leaving me feeling deserted
and stranded being                              me.
I never feel
that I'm deserving.
All the voices in my head
are finally winning.

No one hears
my pleads and tears
that streak down my face.
Looking in the mirror
I don't recognize                                myself.
The reflection showing
someone entirely different.

No one sees
my shattered heart
laying on the ground at my feet.
Feeling yet another ache
spreading through my veins.
This is it, this will
finally break                                          me.

Slow tears
Trickle down my face
Escaping
From my tight hold

Soar throat
As I scream so loud
Deafening
The only one that hears

Strictly together
I cover my wounds
Pretending
That nothing ever happened

She sits
Listening
To the birds
And the bees

She waits
Watching
The ants crawl
All around her feet

She cries
Knowing
That it's all coming
Odds are at their ends.

When I think of you
I see your smile
Shining like the sun above
It brightens up my world.

When I think of you
I feel your eyes on me
Heavy, like gravity
You keep holding me up.

When I think of you
I hear your words
Loud as thunder
They tumble in my head.

When I think of you
I ******* tears
Sour as vinegar
They flood my cheeks.

When I think of you
I hear my one sided love
Distant as the stars in the sky
You reach for her.

In one moment
Everything is different
Things shift
People change

In that moment
Everything came to a stop
Things became blurry
People vanished.

In our moment
Everything was quite
Things slowed
We were so close

In the moment
You pulled me closer
We locked eyes
Then your lips were on mine

In one moment
Everything was different with us.
Things became greatly shifted
And people watched as I
Fell for you again.

It's amazing
How with one look
You turn me into
A million
shy, pink butterflies.
Flying through the wind
Trying to reach you.

I can't believe
How when we're together.
Wherever we walk
We make
Happy, yellow flowers
Grow under our feet
Showing the world our path.

It's hard to think
That we won't be
Because I know that
Our
Amazing, red ribbon
That ties us together
Will get cut off by her.

She's out of shadows
The sun shining on her face
As she walks to him.

She sits,
staring silently.
The world rushing.
Busy.
Hectic.
But still there she sits.
Still.

She stares,
so intently
at the couple.
Loving.
Laughing.
Wanting it to be hers.
Wishing.

She is touched,
very lightly.
Coming to reality.
Breaking.
Crushing.
Losing sight of her daydreams.
Leaving.

Standing there,
I feel the wind,
cutting to my core.
It's a whisper,
holding secrets,
that I so badly
need to know.

I feel the rain
creating tears on
my burning cheeks.
Me, being so frustrated
but so desperate
all at the same time.

Looking up,
I see the dark clouds,
they're suffocating me.
A shield that's
keeping me from
seeing the truth.

In this world
of pure oblivion
where I feel so
lost but so found,
Searching for a clue
that will lead me to you.

Laying here
In the dark
Words are hard
To come by.
All I do
Is picture you.
You and her.
But still
You keep me.
Remind me again,
Why that is.

She sits alone
in the corner
filling it with shadows
of her thoughts.
She tastes the bile
on her drawn down lips
as she feels the heaviness
of her blown out heart.

They sit together
in a huddle
as they laugh at
her painful hurt.
No one knowing
but yet still judging
anything they can grasp
with their sneering eyes.

They continue on
judging and judging
repeating the thoughts she already hears.
Until one day, that girl,
she isn't in the corner.
And the thoughts disappear
along with the mockery,
they finally stop laughing.

Replacing that girl,
that unhappy girl,
with a joyful one.
Like a rainbow after
a storm.
The girl I was before.

Replacing that girl,
that angry girl,
with a soothing one.
Like water, simmering
out a fire.
The girl you ruined.

Replacing that girl,
that weak girl,
with a changing one.
Like the ever moving
white clouds.
The girl I'll always be.

You stole my heart once.
And oh how much I did fall.
You can't have it all.

Confessing is pointless
It's a two way street
That only has one
Right answer

You can't confess
Without disappointing
Someone's always hoping
For the answer they want

I wanted your confession
But I got it
And your honest answer
Was the wrong one.

The lights dim
And the movie starts
Suddenly I'm aware
Of my hammering heart.

D
A

D
U
M

D
A

D
U
M

You reach for my hand
And pull me close
And suddenly I'm aware
Of the goose bumps

T
I
N
G
L
I
N
G

I see your smile
And hear your laugh
And suddenly I'm aware
Of my thoughts.

The glowing sun,
beaming down,
filling you with
warmth and hope.

The shining sun,
all around,
making you laugh
until you see.

The beaming sun,
heating you up,
making you hot,
sweaty and miserable.

The mocking sun,
turning you red,
leaving traces
of hurt on your skin.

Everyone has scars
But you're showing me yours.
The deep, red cuts
Like tears on your arms.
Each small line
Is something so big.
Too big.
Maybe not to me, but to you,
Isn't it?
I wouldn't know.
My only scars being from
A scrap, fall, or something more raw.
Something more raw.
Family, friends, lovers, simply reality
Each so beautiful,
But in the end those are the ones.
The ones that draw the most blood.
Those are the ones.
The ones that remind us.  
They stay on your arm,
Your own personal lifeline.
Who knew a razor
Would keep you going?
Slipping on your feet,
But never truely falling.

That little bird
In the corner
It flies toward the sun.

It flies and flies
And never looks back
Not until it is reached.

For I am that bird
And the light, my life
And I intend to get it.

You.
You are the blue sky
To her amazing world
Of sunshine.
But I.
I am the clouds.
Watch out
Rain soon follows.

I look at you
And I see us.
Happy,
Together,
In love.
But then they talk.

I hear them
And I understand their
Anger,
Frustration,
For me.
But then I see you.

It's a constant battle
Inside of me.
Mind,
Heart,
Against one another.
And I can't decide.

The feeling drains
from my legs
as I try and pretend
that I don't care.

I feel the burning
in my chest
as I forget to breath
when I walk by you.

I feel the pull
in my hands
as I reach for my phone
forgetting we're done.

I feel the stinging
in my eyes
as I cry yet another tear
about to say goodbye.

Thinking of you
I hear your laugh.
Mocking and distant,
But somehow always
In my ear.

Thinking of you
I feel your finger.
Jamming into my back
You were so close
To fooling me.

Thinking of you
I see your eyes.
Glaring and judging  
Even though you
Don't even know me.

Thinking of you
I think of me.
And how with everything
You do to me,
I take and walk away.