i can never say sorry,

or see your soul trembling,

dying not to meet my eyes.

no goodbyes on another side,

without closure after all the time.

im sorry i shake,

i don't make sense,

constantly saying things,

that my soul can't say.

hoping time can change my way.

watch it rise to your nose,
feelings tossed in your sea,
do you have self-control,
as you come after me?
will you tear me apart,
am i flesh you can use?
damaged goods in her eyes,
i can handle abuse.
kept your teeth on my lips,
with your black opened eyes,
i will keep mine both shut,
while i feel my blood rise.

break my heart,

before i break yours first.

i can live without you,

but not after all the words.

thoughts that i could never hone,
kept you close, a quiet home.
built on sand and love alone,
sinking while the sun shone.

night time,
nineteen cuts on my arm,
stumbling to my car,
wanting more.

traffic lights,
brighter than any star at night,
pray, so one can end my life.

too quiet for too long,
trying to speak in song,
carrying cryptics,
to the ones i love.

you appeared as a stranger,

you stayed as a mother,

you left as a stranger.

buried rain clouds inside my ribs,

lightning illuminating my skin,

signaling illness that lets nothing in.

but if i could let you out,

i'd be more than happy again,

if i could let you go,

i'd be more than happy again.

run, i'm afraid,
of the man i have made.
i made my mid-twenties,
i have simply stayed.
but i hope you are proud,
of how well i have aged.
so i hope you are well,
and i hope you're okay.

since that day,
your words rang true.
was never loved,
by one like you.
those honest words,
just can't be true.

since that day,
i loved you too,
i couldn't speak,
but it was true.
now you're gone,
but i'm not through.

since I met you,

my feet haven't found the ground,

like gravity has a chance,

i still wonder if you'll keep me around.

sheets love-torn from a mattress,

you wore that t-shirt like a dress,

illuminated by the lights we hung,

on the floor, in our spot, you sung.

i know too much about heartache,

all that crying out my eyes and lungs,

but one thing i can't forget,

are the moments made from love.

give me a chance,
i will tear you apart,
your thrown away innocence,
revert to the start.
i breathe in the consequence,
constant, the distance,
we showed from the start.
i'm praying for a better heart.

the first one's a treat,
i speak what i mean,
two gives me laughter,
i know what im after,
three gives me love,
im pure as a dove,
four is my edge,
it shows me a ledge.
five gives me trouble,
my edges are rough.
six is a number,
not nearly enough.

six more,
i hate myself,
you, so adored,
so walk out that door.

i'm afeared of a thing i can't see,

naught in this circus can be held;

dissolving in the dizziness of you,

whatever ache my brain abides,

the foolish heart has conquered life.

hold still, while i fall into you,

i don't fall long, but i enjoy the view,

of something i'll eventually call 'youth'

loss is just the end of all growth.

but i still know what i do.

and i still write your name in snow,

hopeful i can change myself,

before stars and myself melt.

gave up love,
to read books.
traded truth, trust,
your second-looks.
tried the drink temporarily,
found an edge,

treaded carefully.

yet I crossed,
and it's cause of me.

so send me flowers when I'm away,
a day with you, a perfect stay.
the simple laugh, and all the play,
remember all the things i meant to say:
Love the soul and disarray,
see the sun and then the shade,
i'm all types of not okay,
learn to love all of this grey.

i tried to steal your sober heart,
and promised not to break it.
i told my soul to stay intact,
in stead, it couldn't take it.

would it matter if i remembered how you sang when I wasnt looking?

the way my mind screen shot the moment I fell in love with you at McDonalds

the time i drove you through the greenest woods

your shirt i wore while i was losing you

six months i spent chasing you just to end up a fool?

does it matter when i drink to a black screen and sing to the moon?

i dont want to know where you are,
i dont know where you've been,
every second i breathe is just another reason to be

if i ever saw you again,

i'd never know what to say.

I'd forget the things i used to hold.

I couldn't reach your eyes,

and never meet your soul.

but my heart's still on fire,

while the flame is so old.

poked full of holes,

like a sun set in clouds,

sidewalk shop signs say:

Sobriety Not Allowed;

besides myself in a park bench,

i walk through a door,

then it looks like a train,

and it melts into rehab,

but i'm staring at a sink,

where i'm draining away,

loved ones calling names,

but i can't remember the day.

back when pictures were pictures,
not a way to make money,
models monetizing,
souls no longer appetizing,

phones making liars out of us.
decent people falling in lust.
finding meaning in holes.
bodies falling for tolls.
morals murdered and null.

i loved you more than you knew,
i'm scared to lose,
a single thought of you,
but losing things is nothing new.

i wish i lied,
and hid the truth.
i wish i kept my pain from you,
but loving you was nothing new.

i wish you stayed,
you kept my soul.
i loved you most,
some things I will never know.

so it goes.

crazy men bury words and thoughts,

create entire rooms.

cry in front of full moons.

i made it right,

without rhythm,

with some time.

i loved you when you were alive.

take me to the moon,

so you can melt inside my room,

my eyes are blurry,

slowly covered in everything,

that my loved ones couldn't say.

maybe some day i can say,

my soul is not the same,

as the one you saw before that day,

but I'll hold my breath anyways.

i guess where you go,

is not where i'll be,

i'll collect the dead leaves,

where we once were,

so you'll be where i was.

some night,

the stars aligned,

then tore you from my life.

i blamed the moon,

that lit your face each night.

shook fists that had no fight,

just an empty grip,

and a white light.

drinks to see your silhouette,
sell your lies into your arms,
sightless, seeking self-harm.
sanity, a fake alarm.

a widower until my death,
breaking under every breath,
loved you to the very edge,
held until there's nothing left.

I could not explain my nights,
or all my mental fights,
and though i tried,
I nod my head,
avert your eyes.

just waiting for this thing to die.

fortune can't flow in my veins,

i don't choose the words in my brain,

but if i could, they might say:

my arms are bright red,

my mom ran out of breath,

its been three years since her death.

faking faith till I'm full,

i still drink like a fool,

wishing i was still loving you.

but I'll make it up while i go,

pray my mind makes a home,

while i hold on to life all alone.

write my life away,

knowing,

nothing could ever make you stay.

cold as steel, while life stays the same.

i'll move side to side,

but i still stay in my place;

waiting for yours,

or another new face.

i have somewhere to be,
where my feelings don't show,
while my words dress in white,
buried deep within snow.

i will drink you, black poison,

till you take me from me,

when my soul is not free.

and they won't know what it means.

sleepwalk in their dreams,

while im here, I'll still lean,

like a soul with no leash,

but they wont know what it means.

hold fast to your roof,

for it's shelter to pain,

hold close to your heart,

for the actions it's made.

hold on to yourself,

cause it's all that you'll have.

throw your sorrow to crows,

but it's not all that you have.

waiting on "i love you"

like clouds i shoot down

when im drunk

when you arent around.

my happiness

a soulless task.

we all have that thought,
of the person we're not,
so socially taught,
to not leave what you caught.

but it all disappears,
when you build up the care,
as you look in their eyes,
and you feel all their fear.

so i'm holding my breath,
because time is a test,
and I'm used to the ruse,
losing face isnt new.

but if love was a lie,
then you could be true,
but knowing myself,
i could fall for you too.

carry me to greener pastures,
comfort me like lying pastors,
perforate the broken parts,
make it easy, tear apart,
the things you loved,
let me restart.
words you said,
have stained my heart.

all in all,

only stars left above,

all i can't change or create,

asking for phonecalls,

but they all spin away.

gone are the days,

i am asked if i'm okay,

now i just sit and think away,

every drunken thing i cannot say,

until stars have long passed,

then i say im awake.

i miss the nights

the moon was bright

enough to light your face.

where stars would fail

to compete with your eyes.

but it was comforting

to watch them try.

your embrace couldnt hold this flame,

this thing that burns us in every way.

second best to a dying day,

but my favorite thing is how you stay.

even in my dreams,

i can't escape these things.

you weren't here,

and you weren't here.

and you weren't here.

and you weren't here.

you weren't here.

sunday snow,

incompleted,

i smell previous meals beneath it,

but I'm not complete,

an art that is flourished,

some words that unburden,

but forget the cost.

you loved while you lost,
you laughed and you smiled,
while under a knife,
too drunk just to drive,
you fought 'one more time's.
the bottom is there,
but wind in your hair,
you're falling but honest,
your words they still hear.
your breath is a blessing,
and beautifully here.
you're broken but bound,
always carried by sound,
your loved ones are proud,
that you're still around.

spent my days,
breaking apart,
aching always,
bleeding heart.

i see you at the start,
screaming stop,
dont want to feel this anymore.

take your eyes,
your favorite words,
a famous turn,
never mine,
make it yours.

i miss your arms,
with naught to care,
loving letters,
god, who the hell cares.