and if all the stars ever fade away,

i'd lie and say I'll be okay.

that marble moon would maybe stay.

and if that moon would fade away,

I'd lie and say I'll be okay.

wet pavement,
***** green towers,
from green lights,
an alternative universe,
spread across the man-made.
all the tiny, sorted puddles,
blinking at the stars,
a sort of quiet protest,
promise nothing,
offer everything.

pray that each drink,

brings me closer to the stars.

I'll never know who you are.

know you were adored.

i stumbled in,

as easy as i fell out.

swiped your clouds,

when i wasn't allowed.

love is loud,

screams are louder.

silence is unbearable.

when you came for my last name,

i drank a full lake,

wondering and wandering,

what such loving arms could take;

take my face and bank account.

this sugar-coated knife in my heart:

only night reveals my worth,

always wanting her,

waning war on the hurt.

nightmares with no control,

heavy weight on my soul,

I'll be fine, while my body

only does what its told.

what hurts most,

i might never know.

i want to disappear in a dream,

you don't see,

where words dont mean anything.

im sorry for being mean

a couple cups of coffee,
a candle cooing in the corner,
carried candid cravings away.
creased the coarse corners of a book,
a kind of caffeinated carelessness,
where others haven't looked.
and so the moving heart, with misery,
resolves to have its day.

summoned by denial,

replaced by a tree with initials,

sun dials drying in the wind,

seeking a midnight sin,

are your arms made of love?

or do they spin constantly,

like a slow-growing currency?

too lost to call me yours,
my soul has sunken to the earth,
wide awake, my wheels turn.
with nicotine and alcohol,
without the two, i'll surely fall.
sobriety was idolized,
i made a life composed of lies,
of hard goodbyes,
and 'i'll be fines'.

found you in my darkest days,
a love I'd have no other way.
i tried to pull but still i stayed,
for once, i cannot walk away.

the day i die,

i hope you wake,

you'll swim inside a perfect day,

the type of love i dreamed to make,

while someone else takes your name.

i flew into your life,

a painful soul on fire,

swallowing steam for your smile.

relief that only i desired.

i would have died in your eyes.

if i knew what to do with your life.

but im alright

though my future isnt bright.


I love you.

all these words on my skin,

like they mean a **** thing,

nothing changed;

you're still that thing in your skin.

tear in me, so terrifying,
tantalize then tranquilize,
terrible, too many lies,
tamed the truth,
the day i died.

tell me to stop,

like i promised i would.

i love you, i swear,

well, as much as i could.

you mean the whole world,

could you give me some space?

I've got some emotions,

and twelve buddies to chase.

this mirror is *****,

havent looked in a while,

if i glanced at it now,

all i'd see is your smile.

so calm all your demons,

swallow what hurts,

cause your life is a watch,

while your body just turns.

i want to see you,
when the clouds arent there.
someone i hold so dear,
blessed by a natural fear.

i don't regret those goodbyes,
our intentions and loose ties,
its easier to believe,
your whole soul was a lie.

count the seconds,
felt like hours,
now I'm up,
eyes can open,
kept them closed,
soul i've broken,
slow escape from,
graves it woke in.

i'm dying without a voice,
falling in a loving void,
holding onto helen's troy,
tried to find a truth in noise.

some things dont change,

"live without a chance to walk away'

maniacally, i try to be okay.

some days its fine that way;

some days i dig a knife in my face,

driving drunk,

then be grateful the next day.

i can't stand the day.

i broke and i built,
and i gave you my all,
while you left me a dream,
that i could not recall.
though i loved when I could,
like your God always would,
don't you cry when its gone,
loved you just as I should.

our phones explode,
souls implode,
searching for meaning,
refusing to know.

a fool who thought he was in love,
don't deserve the sounds she made.
shunned and raced from cave to cave.
in darkness, where a man was made.

once, the sun was her and her alone.
then she called from the moon,
i said I'll never be a sober man,
now i search for her lights on my own.

do you see an artist or the drunk?

a dreamer, or someone,

who left their dreams to sink?

someone unforgivable,

without some loving arms,

writing words to warm a lost heart?

wishing every day was a weekend,

dotting my life in that eternal night,

wanting sleep when my soul is full,

emptied when the morning's old.

dig me,

tell me that I'm alright.

dig me away,

off this beach,

attached to the sea,

like an unlikable leech.

dig me a hole,

promise me six feet.

dig me some gold,

pretend it's pure happiness,

i know that it's not,

but it's still sparkly to see.

bury me,

married a million times,

committed to a single thing;

it promised me a million dreams.

but none as sweet as you, i see.

will you marry me,

without your life by my side,

I would promise the sun a light.

by the time i had dreamed,

only God says it's time,

his two eyes

piercing straight through my lies,

while i still give him the light.

the color of orange,
the meaning of harm,
i selflessly take,
the meaning it warns.
i'll take all the blame,
the blame is my own.
my arm is aggressed,
the tic, tac, and toe.
the X's remain,
i crossed all the O's.
revealed all the red,
and opened a home.

don't explain a single thing to me,

i want to find each surprise,

behind every closed door.

i don't care where it ends,

i'll just re-do where it begins.

i made a grain of sand,

my world for twelve months,

to tell myself,

I'm only young once.

my face was wet,

I placed my bets,

then every one i loved left.

thought i knew at least one thing,

every word i've never seen.

I'll love the dark,

until the light it brings.

and nothing changed.

my friends were far away,

i dried up on the second floor,

listening to childish banter,

just a few yards below.

and i loved you when it snowed,

i loved you before it even was cold.

before you weren't as old.

just a year but you never would know.

im an angel dying for the star's glow.

left without love, and leaking all hope.

i hope that the moment i leave,

is precious to hold.

i shot the sky,
to play a God,
his fallen body arrived,
i climbed his height,
arrived where you still smiled.
you were waiting quite a while,
i apologized, and couldn't keep a lie.
i loved you with such hands as mine,
i tied to your life but i,
am not a god, but am i worth it,
in your eyes.
i hope you love me, just in time,
before i kind of drift away,
and lose your shine.
you see my lines,
i'll love you kindly,
lie awake, and every night,
your certain kind of sign,
that sells your soul to shrines,
but it could never justify,
the way you sway, the to and fro,
i lie when I'm alone,
i try to breathe when I'm at home,
you're more to me than, i don't know,
a certain something in the snow.
i picked you up, so proud to show,
those famous words i couldn't croak,
your skin was more,
than something that i couldn't tow.
just know i lined your eyes,
in thoughts i had in tow.
but thoughts are leaves,
and meant to blow.

trauma unprocessed all my life,

undiscovered until twenty-nine,

writing strangers, they don't mind.

losing loved ones that aren't mine,

lying was my first mistake,

trying,

fail abysmally.

slip apart, the years will fall,

my mind then said,

there's happiness in alcohol.

i saw a street sign you hung onto,

i saw a smile you used to give,

before you stopped giving,

a flawless time i never saw.

i saw my life in ribbons,

when my drinking raced,

to the one you didnt exist.

I'd give anything to reinvent this.

a second chance,

you shouldnt give.

dont remember your voice,
dont remember your face,
the degree of your breath,
or the heart that i chased.
what once caused me pain,
my mind cant create.
i stayed for too long,
that much i can make.
no comfort in loss,
of what i forgot,
i guess time made its lesson,
my heart was well-taught.

hallowed is the ground you stood.

where the broken sits and broods,

learning time,

and every thing they should;

still,

hallowed is the ground you stood.

carried to the roof,
night skies showing proof,
i loved you, always loving you.
your loving hand I couldn't use.
an offer that i refused.
my drinking, nothing,
nothing new.
forged a feeling to feel true.
falling forward into you,
was all I ever meant to do.
meet me underneath the moon.
there I lie,
and lack the truth.

a five-word saying,

that will never see the light of day.

as important as our month in may.

and every day after every day after,

i pray i rise to the rafters,

to see your face in laughter.

your soul, I'll always hope I capture,

in whatever kind of drunken after.

perfectly circular,

gravity will take you away.

i plan every night,

just to get through each day,

replacing my loss,

what could make you stay?

~

im the captain of my two feet,

i couldn't steer a breeze from a storm,

but i can leave a broken mess,

turn all your debris into a dress,

flurried away, feeling less.

collapsed, the floor i slowly met,
my father's gun in hidden mesh.
fourteen, was when i wanted death.
i bled while family members slept.
i prayed to god for something else,
those words that i could never tell.
i'm twenty-six, i wished them well.
at least that's what i told myself.

and then i tried to get some help.

glorified and held high,

unachievable and cool,

quietly slipping corners,

chalkboard screech across screens,

I'm losing,

I'm alone,

helpless, healing on my own.

a warmth of blood,

creeps along my neck.

my chest is still,

but my head starts to spin.

your guiding hands,

direct my madness to your face.

for a second there isn't a trace.

don't close your eyes for too long.

you will disappear.

and you did.

and all the air has left my lungs.

now my neck is like a stone in snow,

my shaking hands,

searching for what they used to know.

a leader dropped bombs on the world,

when i fell out of love with you.

not for that, but,

because all the times you had left,

i consoled myself with laughter,

after loving aftermaths,

a fair chance, that left you mad,

but im still sipping shores.

whatever fits me back to square one.

our feet on a court,
my room, last resorts,
a word fallen short,
when pressed, no report,
a pain pushed forward,
a long , lost award,
of an impossible sort.

the books never read,
all alone on a shelf.
your thoughts on my wall,
words i never could tell.
my bed was unmade,
while i enjoyed the floor,
all the love that you had,
muted knocks on my door.
every screen remained black,
like a story cut short,
scented shirts in my closet,
from a soul i adored.
every night spent in illness,
by the morning was cured.

did you know the love of your life,

would turn you into liquid courage?

to make it through another night,

the kind that hid from both your eyes.

fast forward to the night i almost died,

all apart, you stood on the side,

to this day i dont know why.

i was less of a man,

and something like a circus ride,

that won't forget the time of our life,

to be shoved into a bitter rhyme.

1) a bookstore in May,

2) your apartment in Maine

3) an airport in spring

4) random chinese food place

5) my apartment (2nd floor)

for a second i thought you meant it,

like you used to.

i thought you would stick around,

but you didn't.

wish i remembered,

the last time you said you loved me.

but i was too drunk.

i hope you know, i pray for you,

as far as i can get from you,

I see when i was in love with you,

remember when i was losing you?

replayed it every night to get to you.

regretting things i did for you,

forgiving things you said were true.

the love we carried in our pair,
soon, we left what wasn't there,
another love, we never dared,
the misery was all we shared,
i died to say the things i feared,
now pain is all i ever hear.

i won't plunge headfirst,

at the first sign of relief.

i won't love cause i'm lonely,

but i will when I'm sober.

i won't stare through your eyes,

out of fear from their light.

i wont linger in darkness,

when my soul isnt right.

i will show you all my words,

while my nerves grip my soul,

"seek away from" my addiction.

i will count the thoughts in your mind

forgetting all the times i tried,

to be someone golden in your eyes.

i will fall apart so naturally,

so i can feel amended,

so i can sleep at night,

so i can live my life,

the next time i'm in love.