if i loved you,

then i would have stopped.

your imprint on my wall,

a feeling i can't feel at all.

you turned into a grain of salt,

nothing's gained without the fall,

the bottom,

all i ever saw.

i don't know where you're going,
but I'm grateful as sin,
to have known all your pieces,
and places you've been.
i hope somewhere nice,
filled with thousands of lights.
where the days are more bearable,
especially their nights.

i never thought i'd be alive,

long enough to see you smile,

but i was, i don't know why,

this ugly one regret of mine:

you saw me at a younger time,

i thought i'd never be alive.

youth is:

the days you live to chase away.

anything to keep you sane.

vices are a petty game.

take care of your friends,

tie your loose ends,

make it right,

stare at the stars while they're bright.

lie to yourself and carry on.

bury me with spirits i betrayed

ill fall wherever your name is laid

every second that I breathe

i will chip my life away.

i will drink

i will smoke

holding words never spoke.

redemption, ascension always slow.

self harm like a mark on a stone,

im proficient in being alone,

loving walls like my life's on a reel,

but all that's real is already done.

you're the fire,

I'm alarmed,

i have lovers and friends,

written, cut in my arms,

all i wanted was biological matter,

all i got was a painful disorder.

scared of my hands,
cause i know what they'll do:
they can strangle my soul,
or they can hold on to you.

is not a drug,

but a dream kept afar,

i can't hold it with hands,

but i love when it's near.

those sirens i hear,
that i choose to ignore.
every thought that cut deep
now i throw to the shore.
every sin that i knew,
won't appear anymore.
though my writing is worse,
i can walk through that door.
if i see you outside,
then I'm needless of more,
maybe drunk, but content,
though we're scarred, you're adored.

like the feather in flight,
the whitest of lies,
a second in time,
a bell and its chime,
as quick as the word,
at the end of this rhyme,
the feeling of happiness,
sure takes its time.

i found you in dust,
your face, like first love,
my favorite picture,
no need to adjust.
you're better than fear,
and you're all that i want,
i won't let you go,
you are all that i sought.

i don't recall,
the words i wrote on here.
it all was built,
on drinking,
and a little fear.

but you,
your words,
i want to know.
so wake me in a morning's glow.
don't let me down,
or let me go.

i know it's cheap,
but let me keep,
the things that help my sanity.
i know i'll quit,
i told you so.
some things work out,
and some just don't.
but you're that angel in the snow,
that dying, fleeting hope,
i pray each night to hold.

curved eyes,
so constant.
constraining sadness,
i abide.
lift her chin,
a closet mist.
patrons pardon while she's his,
tangled torture met his sin.
belly met with gentle hands,
lower, where he met his kin,
questioned as to leave them in.
starved, an aftermath begins.
his soul brought forth,
his whole life within.

I dont know what to do,

with these memories of *; (you)

i could crawl in a hole,

i might paint the whole room.

i could drink till i cry,

live my life in a monsoon.

i could find someone else,

relive something new.

i could find the guts to get sober,

or wrap my life around a tree.

i could make another mark on my arm

but until i saw you did the same,

because of me,

i didnt know a thing, about self harm.

I'm not afraid of the dark,

im afraid of your eyes,

of everything that left mine,

including you.

i pray someone can imitate you,

but nothing will replace you.

i wish i knew where you were,

the kind of love that hurts,

every night knowing im not yours.

every thought, just a curse.

watch you fade away as time turns.

every loved thing about you burns.

carry you in a heart-shaped urn.

forever mine,

but never yours.

i saw enough reality,

just to lose sight of my feet.

i don't know why,

what it means;

too numb to feel the grass.

or even your hand.

i wouldn't know you anyway,

removing my head,

piece by piece,

by each drink to my mouth.

but i still know how to hurt,

i still know how you were.

now i'm leaving the earth,

like a broken heaven navigator.

terrifyingly tantalizing,
realizing lies in me,
red eyes from my burning tree,
regret like a past-time dream,
unafraid of what, suddenly, can be,
my heart swelling suddenly.
a sin without curse,
as it holds me so lovingly.
words in my mouth,
that your body can speak.
seeing your face,
a tortured release.

i belong in the covers,

friends won't see me yet,

im unwell adjacent,

some code adjacent,

break me from here.

i belong to each other,

im broken and lost.

swallow scabs and begin again.

don't let them get me,

im forever a place for them.

too scared to see you now,
sensitive in crowds,
lonely when I say don't come around.
loved you,

though my face,

held a frown.

hated when you turned it,

up side down.

But I loved you,

now i wish i'd come around.

so cute of you to cheat on me,

reminiscing your feet on a beach,

but the years don't change a thing.

neither do absurd amounts of drinks.

but anyways..

convince me it's a flame,

call me callously insane,

only loved ones recall my name;

only dying parents,

oldest friends,

lovers longing better things.

but my liver loves the bitter drinks,

as it catapults my life away,

where there's nothing but my words,

or so to speak.

until then ill enjoy the screens,

while my body's out of song.

****** me down in dark waters,
your smiling waves, abrasive,
hold myself, my soggy skin.

i made a home in words,
made the twists and turns,
without a single soul to see,
to sit there silently and learn.

im writing to a wall,
with confidence so proudly tall,
but to opinions, will it always fall.

then maybe i won't sleep at all.

you sat in my pew,
just to hear what I'd say,
you waited in rain,
but you stayed, all the same.
i told you goodnight,
knew you wouldn't believe,
then you walked out the door,
carved initials in trees.
we made our way home,
but i wasn't myself,
and you asked me what's wrong,
to the ground, then i fell.
i woke to your hand,
you are all that i need,
if you left, then I'd leave,
you're the best thing I've seen.

enough to watch me sink?

until i put away that ******* drink,

how i pour it in my mouth,

instead of a thirsty sink.

enough to tell you,

when i want to leave,

to see a better side of me?

your hands, I'll miss,

for just about eternity,

some day I'll turn in the keys,

call it life,

let it be.

until then I'll just bawl,

to nothing but a white wall,

wishing i couldnt wish at all.

i loved once,
and long enough.
found a fire i could *****.
turned to drinking,
gained my fill,
found my future in a hill.
where it lead,
i'll never know,
found myself within the snow.

scream until the doors close,
cancer kept inside a rose,
cancelled common prose,
keen and comatose,
demons swell inside my home,

suicide is not a joke.

only youth,
say 'when in rome'.

muted gasp.

in a luxurious sea,
of tricks and treasures.

i don't want to speak anymore.

your face,
your pictures,
things to adore.

i'll let them go,
in search for more.

hopping hearts,
to find my place.
instead i'll seek the good,
in empty spaces.

if i could build this home,
without your warmth,
i would find you twice,
with love untorn.

but if i falter,
let me be.
a pain upheld,
forever free.

i am a man.

i didn't make that post.

i didn't sing that song.

i didn't write that poem.

i didn't make that video.

then who am i?

a cold, snowy night,

at your bus stop.

for a lifetime, i could stay.

holding my bottles,

i could be okay.

but i will never see you,

not your shadow, not another day.

so i will turn the other way,

a world apart,

our hearts remain.

i loved you when my sky had greyed

before our bodies laid

before my feelings had a say

when every word I say

attempt to take a step away

from things my family couldn't be

with what i painfully couldnt be:

a sober soul from noon to eve

i miss the things i leave

i want some things I couldn't see

but bring me morning

I dont know where to be.

hearts were meant to break,

i don't know if yours ever did,

but i know what it's like without you.

when the sky falls,

can i follow the midnight,

where i am nothing,

but a drunk on lies and life,

finding itself with heartache,

desperately lacking the ways,

that loved ones have said,

"i don't love you anymore"

i set my soul on fire,
to see a little better at night.
but the sight of you,
would tear me down,
break a winter's worth,
of drinking just to drown.

you were misfortuned to love,

such a soul who could not hold it.

yet we still loved,

but all for a moment.

like a sun on fresh eyes,

i see you when they're pressed.

i see what you wanted,

and granted you less.

i could leave on a chariot,

and write my own death,

whatever that hides what i left.

a few walls and a floor,

that i've turned to my bed.

i could say that I'm sorry,

but I'd rather be dead.

if i could make you the glowing moon,

tying heart strings to a fool,

holding a thousand chances,

i'd still chain myself to loving you.

making mistakes a second time,

could I still see your life,

in the palm of some hands,

would it appear, silver plates?

or some love you acquired,

within cheaters and liars..?

did you know, i admire,

all the ways you aren't here,

or the ways i admire,

what once represents,

all the ways you're desired.

maybe it will empty the corners,

of the room in my mind.

silence the movie in my life,

playing possum every night.

promising hand holds in a room,

where i heal closer to you.

shaking my soul,

like some ***** broom.

violently chanting a mess to the moon,

only finding the grass.

counting dimes for another drink,

remembering your face when i sing:

"part one", in my dreams,

where i wake up a fable,

then i fumble around the noon.

shaking in corners of sun,

charging a battle towards no one.

silently losing my speech at night,

replaying every thing, made right.

tonight belongs to me,

a slow reminder just to breathe,

a giant step to feeling free.

i'll mourn the day your love will cease,

but soon i'll be a better me,

like green upon a growing tree,

i'll love the day our shoulders lean.

when life is on the great retreat,

it's you who stays and i that leaves.

when time is still, our eyes will meet,

so i can be a part of thee,

if love is lost, then sing to me.

a soundless cry,

the world goes on,

one i loved with all my heart.

a pain that brought me to the start.

i swam in stars to lose you,

bleeding, but I'm still glad i met you.

fare well, i'll never be alright.

somehow I'll see you on the other side.

can't show what's on my mind.

just whisper something,

one more time.

some goodbyes are pleasant lies.

loved drink,

more than a loved one.

nothing as heartbreaking,

as one who could never love you.

i learned and lost,

and left a soul,

to have everything and lose.

my child couldn't ***** this flame,

every night a crying shame,

playing razor since 2016,

not afraid to not eat,

not afraid to not breathe,

i can cringe while i write and still read

i know how to keep my mouth shut,

while my hands do the talking,

all they do is lift a bottle,

my mouth is tired,

i know how to sleep like a baby,

and still feel like a liar,

how to shave my seconds with a

flick.

of a lighter.

now i feel lighter:

my favorite food is pizza,

i used to read,

i used to play [     ],

answer phone calls,

enjoy music without falling apart.

i could love without an ounce of fear.

the most painful thoughts,

are the most beautiful,

to those who can't understand it.

i'll never be a writer.

if i could say sorry,

or bear to see your eyes again

I'd still curl like a coward

never knowing where you went

no matter how many hours spent

i still find comfort in sin

i dont know why

or where i went.

i only hope i see him again.

when i never drink again

they never write back,

left alone without my life back,

i cant keep my life on track.

i love mistakes that lie on their back,

but no amount of love,

could ever win my love back.

so i sit in sin seeking what i lack.

leaving thoughts in the ground,

while the future attacks

O' beauty,
your portrait is filterless,
perilous gaze,
like a sun grazing fields.
like your dog, I'll heel,
and hold your image,
through illuminated screen.

an illusive fox,
that knows no bounds.
its presence keeps me around.
upon a hill, he watched me drown,
and taught a meaning,
i have not yet caught.
but also made me laugh alot.
no better a friend,
i could have asked,
the words could bring shyness,
he's surely abashed.
maybe meaning exists,
beneath both of our masks.

companions over cups of coffee,
kept compassions from ourselves,
quiet words we tossed,
into a mutual hell.

i loved you,
when that wind blew your hair.
i loved you,
when my thumb brushed your tears.
i loved you,
when i thought you didn't care.
i loved you,
when you weren't there.