you came back,
i had a drink,
for every second you were gone,
it kept time from being long.
forgot to ask what flight you're on.
but little did you know,
my love for self i slowly lost.

and when my spirit fades away,

i hope it takes away everything;

from my feet to my tingling face,

everything so hard to say.

i spend sober days hating you,

just to love you at night.

what have i done,

but a million things that weren't me?

a million things replacing sleep.

a family felt far away,

their breathing down the street.

if i had my way,

i wouldn't be writing this.

no addiction will keep me here.

just pain,

a crass curiosity,

of what I could leave behind.

blurry nights,
broken with your face,
seducing words,
i wouldn't say.
be my angel,
say my name.
make me happy,
in our days.
so much to learn,
so say i'm sane,
i wouldn't have it any other way.

an addiction wrapped,
in timeless dates,
from the days that you stop,
to the moment you start.
all the words to yourself,
swollen full with such heart,
surrendered to demons,
never knew who you are.
all the trauma you hold,
just to feel the cold ground,
every voice that you made,
when you weren't around.
an apology with no reason,
your hand declared treason,
like all things i once lost,
watched my mood,
change like seasons.
said i wouldn't,
while i did,
hung on words that you said,
left my words for the dead,
just to keep you in my head.

i dont care about your hair,
i see careless and restless,
each lie in your eyes,
you can't see in yourself.
skin is easy to tear,
where is your heart at?

it's easy to love,
leniently leaning towards each soul.
last longer than years,
then you can dress me impressed.

loving you,
love myself less,
falling into negatives,
every heart needs a rest.

sleep by yourself,
lower your dress,
pour love in intent,
keep a promise you meant.

Christ-carrying whisper,
scared to come home.
tipsy under a cherry tree,
a day's dying glow.

i drink aquariums,

i stare at stars,

lean against my charcoal car,

watching blackened clouds,

drifting around,

hoping, with a heavy heart,

that you slow this spinning bar.

and when you do,

i'll stop dreaming of you,

or my charcoal car.

i sought simple solutions simply to stutter my stage, suddenly and secretly, suspiciously suspect the sinful songs that substitute my sadness,

but I am.

serenading the sorry sorrows sneaking in my mind.

i'd hold you,
if i weren't on fire.
love you if i weren't a liar.
kiss you if i was a little kinder,
to myself,
to my friends,
to my mom and my family.

walking in emergency rooms,
just to walk in circles alone,
doctors,
saying nothing's wrong with you.

driving home,
calling strangers on phones,
just to feel less alone,
know I'll drink to my death,
but no one will know.

all i want is to see you again,
hope you watch me ascend,
and i miss all my friends,
all these words are dead ends,
just to get you to love me again.

i hope that you're still reading this,
a small hope if you're needing it;
you count your numbers,
breathing in,
you rollercoast emotions while,
remembering to breathe again.
you wish your hands,
weren't paper thin,
while holding up the world times ten.

just know that i am listening,
i hope you know i'm listening.

and so that rainy day deserves a star,
a wonder not unlike an ark,
a leading light within the dark,
to show what was and surely ours,
a tiny light,
within our broken heart.

i'll never find a better sleep,

than one in which the sun,

denies to bring your eyes up.

i'll squander in wonder,

where they ever went.

i wait for light to die down,

the kind that made me squint.

promise i could never keep.

i still hear your soul scream.

burned too bright to see,

tiny stars that would sing.

pulled close to uncomfortable,

but neglect the brain fanfare in quiet,

while i can't quite get over you;

survivor's guilt won't sell,

pretty apparitions keep you here,

until you see a white wall,

where a loved one was there.

how brave you are,
to hold that weight upon your back,
yet pretend it doesn't exist.
so fresh, your world,
you shut your eyes.
dreaming of a different life.
lose yourself to simple thoughts,
you worry wart,
perfection curved.
not good enough to see your worth.

i carry you where i go,

our first love throes.

a future i will never know.

i still cry beneath each fired glow,

bright eyes you used to show.

i'll still love you,

when your love goes.

a warmth in my throat,
i'm feeling alone.
i'd give you my all,
and all that i own.
I'd know if you loved me,
but know that i dont.
i chased all the feelings,
a trail so cold.

and my friend said,
'why do you have body spray?
who are you trying to impress?'

and i replied,
'Everyone but myself.'

it's hard to see your halo dim,
your heart,
i left my knife in.
sold your love,
for a second.

anxiety,
i left you lies,
just to see a pretty sky.
i see you with another guy,
infinity, my pain disguised.
i loved you,
and i hope i die.

tie me up and watch me float,

shoot me down when my soul wont.

loved you with my blank eyes,

paralyzed, twenty-seven,

i should have died.

too troubled to be left alone,

too drunk to walk back home,

crossing your mind,

every once in a blue moon.

or maybe not at all,

not this empty room,

smiling left and right like a fool,

every single moon,

foolishly think of you,

pushing more into the ground,

forgetting and keeping me around.

before i sleep,
i hope you're there.
sing the feelings disappeared.
sobered up to face my fears.
loving you,
will always scare.

the first night i kissed you,

an eternity, i have missed you.

i wish i stopped when i could,

early jokes, how i would marry you,

in a crowded wood.

call it a life,

that life would have been good.

but the stars still miss you,

and the moon adores you.

not as much as me,

with my drunken words,

and my shaky knees,

a dying fiend.

that hopes to see,

the one he loves,

before she leaves.

if your life was a montage,

would you stare, would you starve?

would you care or move on?

fall in love with a man who can stop

fall in love with a man who can stop

fall in love with someone,

if they stop.

these words, couldn't show you,
though love has been so true,
i couldn't love back,
every year, i was trying,
your body was dying,
but slowly your soul,
inching closer to mine.
couldn't hold it, i stared,
then i sat and i cried.
all good things that were true,
i convinced them to lie.

better days,

where i don't tear myself apart.

better ways to find a heart.

bodies drop, a million ways.

find a love within their sway.

does a cloud make you float,

or a drain make you dream.

when you're stuck in a rut,

what fake fables keep you up.

in a minute, you're scared,

suddenly you aren't there.

i'm sorry for alot of things.

no matter madness makes,

embodied, impossibly fake.

an eye without an arrow,

fearing fame and some likes.

I miss my friends with their smiles,

and a handful of time.

i wish they could hear,

and i wish they were here.

amen.

i was the captain of my two feet,

since around the age of three,

when i used to let things love me,

not knowing what time could bring.

familiar with bar stools since age nine,

breakfast on windowed daylight,

only once, maybe twice,

i had cried under that roof of my life.

oh, and my teens, became mean,

but at no one but me,

i held firm,

without knowing how to stand,

against those things in my brain.

endorphins rush to my head,

I'd rather think of you instead,

quiet nights, holding your hand,

but it's now, and im full of bleach,

nothing absent time couldn't teach.

my thumb extended to a goddless sky,

while i smile to let go,

of such things that aren't mine,

but that once made me my home.

my heart, as it's spent,

will remain in a jar,

to preserve what it was,

but it's distance was far.

a blue sky at it's end,

becomes beautiful within,

quietly calloused, cautiously kept,

raining only for friends.

her love is a drug,
a lesson i hold.
nobody there,
but it's her that i love.
empty and clear,
nobody there.
something amiss,
and i miss when she's here.

at the bottom,
I felt everything,
but I didn't get far.
my worried friend's faces,
kept me drunk without cars.
shoved my shoulders from bars.
let me look at the stars.

yes, they love who you are.
they picked lies from your eyes,
saw the times that you tried,
knew that somewhere you cried,
said it's fine when its not.
to show fear without fight,
ways you coped with the night.
how you fed yourself lies,
how the darkness felt better,
when your day wasn't bright.

and at times you felt love,
when it wasn't alright.

she chose to chase her demons,

while i stayed to fight mine.

your flaws,
opened loud.
you would glow,
and once proud.
your dreams were like grass,
not so high in those clouds,
where you stare at me now,
while i'm bringing you down.

if I could catch the wordless clouds,

falling from your mouth,

God forbid i break your heart.

but what about addiction,

does it void my fear and insecurities,

the way I came from nothing,

when there's nothing left to leave?

i still picture my heart,

in an always interrupted parking lot,

where we both feared getting shot.

synchronized soul,
emotional pull,
removal of love,
the body unfolds.
characterized charts,
lost a lexicon,
lately, lethargic,
fatefully gone.
fearfully fresh,
trembling tips,
thorough in thought,
suddenly ripped.
lovable self,
terrible times,
carry me through,
replaceable lines.

you melted in the concrete,

while you held my concerned eyes,

rolling to find truth and lie.

your hands traversed the night,

wishing stranger hands,

held a better time.

the pretty words in all the world,
they called behind the cellar door,
sincerely like an optimist,
missing cues in abstinence,
not alike,
you face your fears,
the difference dug within a year,
my breathing just a part time job,
like losing something without loss,
your love is what it used to cost.
its's tied upon a cherry tree,
your spot imprinted on the bark,
the sun revealed what once was dark,
your moon will keep me wide awake.
the difference from divided day.

fast as a flicker in flame,
illusive as a quarter in sea,
tense as a hand at throat,
dreadful like anxiety.

i never would have changed,

left your trust in chains,

your pain will never leave me sane.

if the world was mine to change,

you would never hear my name.

I'd trade your love for all my pain.

I'd spare your tears to feel okay.

i keep changing rooms,

just to spin away from you,

only hoping you can hold me down,

carrying tons for you.

so you stick around,

fighting men in your crowd.

if the sky falls,

I'll watch the clouds fall with you.

see what the sun turns into,

wait for the moon to rise too.

but no season could sever me,

no winter would tear me from you,

i know not who you are,

but my child to come too soon.

promises to stick around,

i won't ask a single thing,

I'll be there in my guilt,

with the tears that I've built,

i won't bother you then.

realizing im too drunk to cry,

i might be too foolish to die.

thirty times, beg you by my side,

then you took your own life.

gave yourself a clean getaway.

i can't let you go,

you're more home than a ***** room.

i stomach you more than my fears,

feeling like my friends are still here,

but when i wake, they don't reappear.

you're my anxiety in the morning,

and my depression at night,

you're my hero when it's too late.

I love you,

even though you're just a thing.

but you took all i loved,

then you made it okay.

never found,
never tried.
always ran from the things,
that were harming my life.
the light on that razor,
my skin opened wide.
its edge, a small child,
thought my curves were a slide.
then my therapist drinks,
while i pretend to cry.
all my ghosts disappear,
then appear right on time.