i turned you into light,
i turned you into time,
i turned you to the sky,
I threw you to the ground,
i turned my life around.
i was lost until I found

you

you're the pills on my counter,
you're the smoke in my lungs,
you're the drink on my lips,
on my shirt, on the floor.
you're a knock on my door.
you're the fear in my heart,
the day I cant start,
we're an ocean apart,
i still love who you are,
i see hope in the stars.

forever falling apart,

fading out with the stars.

addicted to the moon,

just to forget such an empty room.

but a couple of words couldn't hurt;

"something, something",

something about you being hers.

a fire is so bright,

before darkness occurs

there's no cure to that curse,

only time will prevail,

over living and learning.

my life began at twenty-one,

i was myself for twenty years,

now i struggle just to be here.

my life restarts at twenty-four,

my soul was held and long-ignored,

my friends were loved and so adored.

my life restarts at twenty-nine,

i live with what i left behind,

i tried to try and treat me kind,

a year ago i dropped the knife,

i struggle with a silent vice,

it keeps me warm, it holds me tight,

i give it all my darkest nights.

none know where it came,

and none will know that it left,

twenty-eight year old fire,

will blow its last amount of life.

it will bellow and cry,

craving shadows to fight,

finds nothing more than a starry sky.

shocked that stars still exist,

in such a mental abyss,

it will chase the things it missed.

carry me the comfort of tomorrow,

until you bring the dawn,

love me in my darkest hour,

unlike the love i've lost.

i'll be merry when you're merry,

then i'll miss you when it's gone,

i know nothing of forever,

but i know how much it cost.

moody, chilly april nights.

months away from our favorite lights.

i put them out one at a time,

patiently i write these lines,

painful, I refuse to cry.

soul-searching for a better lie.

all our screens are on fire,

make our lives so much lighter,

if you're covered in gas,

would a flame make you brighter.

she was beautiful in wind,
loyalty to sin,
self in the friend,
needs of her,
were worthless to him.
when i die,
it wont matter again.

o', to be unloved,

by those who no longer sing.

to untangle heart's mess,

when love's voice doesn't ring.

to set sail in a storm,

to be drowned every day,

to wake up in puddle,

just to do it again.

down goes the world,
the only kind you ever knew,
skies felt grey,
in the truest of blue.
your mind was lost,
you dimmed all your fire,
you held to each thought,
as each one felt much lighter.
all things have collapsed,
your breath of relief,
the sky was now broken,
your words now unspoken.

she carries showers,

suspiciously meant to melt me down.

does she know,

she's all i need to stick around,

when my head hits the ceiling,

and my heart hits the ground.

her eyes replace all the sounds,

yet she always sees me come apart,

too ****** up to stare at stars.

I'll stand where you stand instead,

until you get tired of me.

i once saw things that weren't there,
but so apparent to you.
laid my belly on cool ground,
while ignoring the view.
a bruise was a bruise,
didn't care how it formed,
i laid listlessly in tact,
while my floor was destroyed.
i kept calm when i wasn't,
saved my voice for closed walls,
i walked miles through my thoughts,
without walking at all.
i wrote words with such meaning,
with my meaningless drink.
the higher the number,
the deeper i sank.
carved regrets in my arm,
that i once couldn't say,
turned my days to bad nights,
just to keep things the same.
i drove drunk late at night,
just to feel like a ghost.
never felt so alone,
as i crawled my way home.

your eyes melt mine,
but still i stare.
your laugh brings back,
what wasn't there.

sweatpants and cold sweats.

sitting swiping social media.

sick but hungry,

ill yet not hungover.

seeing pretty things on a screen.

mood lights along a ceiling.

bright screen in front of me.

swallow drinks to feel anything.

missing friends but I'm sleeping.

wish mistakes into meaning.

you made me insecure,
while you took what wasn't yours.
drunk driving, blurry turns,
all i used to be was yours.

never sober more than a week,
a single thought makes me weak,
day drinking in a one-room,
scaring friends, breaking walls,
wishing walls were you.

gave your body to someone else,
while i fought with myself,
seeking peace, tried to breathe,
all i needed was help.

all these thoughts, shouldn't dwell,
found myself in this hell,
said some words, couldn't tell,
loving honestly in that hotel.

i held hard to the glass,
holding on to my past,
left a bruise with my love,
knowing love wouldn't last.

i bomb my head,

swallow death,

just to fit inside my self,

but i can't stand the seams;

any addict knows what that means.

and if I ever said i hated you,

it was only meant for me.

i reappear from my illness,

with small hope and no home,

just four walls and a bed of my own,

motherless, with an inch left of soul.

my eyes are recovering gray,

miles away from the dark,

where i stood almost all of my life,

only time could replace this heart.

i am grateful for the days i can count,

forgive me for the ones that i can't,

but still, if you stood next to me,

i would still reach for your hand.

arms cut to ribbons,

my soul kissed the ceiling,

the sun reappears,

without any feeling,

i'm closest to gone without leaving.

to endlessly crawl,

into bed while unmade.

to forgo love,

while i hold on to me,

like a drink.

to breathe indefinitely,

without one to care.

ahold of delusion,

the ghosts stand  right there.

to seek help,

in a soul that just can't,

to believe every word,

of the way that i am.

my eyes are blind,

while the foam reach my knees.

I'm cursed from the thought,

that my eyes couldn't see,

another time i couldnt be.

said i would've said one more,

just to feel the breeze.

to know i'd be ashamed,

to melt all memory to sand.

to justify all action,

to your face in the mirror,

if I could say that i loved you,

if i had said that i cared,

i met you.
seeming innocent as me,
But you werent,
shadows doused in a light.
loved you all,
with all my might.
two swollen years before i knew
the broken promise on the roof,
i took the ladder,
thought it through.
You took the things
that made me true.

lie down and shake,
dreaming pink lines erased,
i broke all my mirrors,
so i can't see my face.
sobriety is sickness,
the family curse,
chasing lost limbs,
i can't see that i'm worse.
i learned all of my options,
then i tore them all down.
but how can i win,
if i dont stick around?

alcoholic,
workaholic,
skipped a holi-
day that i buried.
addiction i've married.
tarried too long,
blessed and i'm strong,
biased and long,
foolish at heart.
been buried alot.

my friends on a horizon,

while i fly below,

to pull cold air in my lungs.

lost in thought and constant sorrow.

i'm here and there,

sober and wasted and wanting.

i'll only see your eyes,

when time decides to lure me

from a certain kind of lie

but like the time before

i hit a floor I drunkenly adore

behind a closed door.

wake up

a pool of sweat

with things that you regret

you shake and call your friends

but their still tired of your ****.

so tilt your head back

closed eyes let your throat relax.

sudden singing

with some carpet on your back.

saying things

you would have said to her.

your eyes are stars in skies

she'll never see again.

pathetic hands try to stop,

"but there is more to your loss"

there is more to be lost,

in these shackles i bought.

but this dream feels much better,

than any thing i ever have thought.

seabound and sober,

stuck at the bottom,

through retching all the dizziness;

it was all to feel fine,

but i still wish i was fine.

these walls are slowly pressing me,

i'm no stranger to pressure in me,

i'd write my last words if it meant any

thing, if my format mattered, if words


        were in a                certain


                 place

whowouldsayanything?

dospacesmatter

would it make you think         dif

ferently?

would you leave a dumb comment



of what your thinking of           me

. would you crucify my grammar




            does it change everything

without punctionation


or a rhythm that

B
r
E
A
t
h

e
s..

would it really be so bad?

i see love held tenderly,

my two parents on a couch.

all the souls i won't let in,

every soul i squeezed out.

and too many break downs.

a comfort i cant keep secret,

with a moonful regret,

a sun full of self bitterness.

an artist without entitlement.

locked in the grey eyes of cement.

waste me away,
i'm away when you think,
i can't stay when i drink,
i see shadows and freak,
out when love is too deep,
i black out just to sleep,
but my soul you can keep.
both my parents, they weep,
haven't called in six weeks.
but im gone when i drink,
i love you when i drink,
not myself when i drink,
where's my life when i drink,
where's my heart when i drink,
i'm so sorry i drink.

every tear on my bedsheet,

could replace a whole ocean,

i hope it retains the emotion,

of my world falling apart,

like a canvas without art,

or my fingers without splinters,

longest summers without winter,

all my love, just without her,

every thing, every where,

ended by a pair of scissors.

your wick struck through my core,
a small flame you adore.
but what of myself,
do I live without choice?
as i suffer in silence,
while the fire makes your noise.

weary,


w


e


L


C

O

M

E


imtiredofkissingstrangerslips

wasted and welded,

to a well-lit screen,

sitting in a dim-lit room,

recreating my opinions of you.

half-way out an open door,

hanging on a half-lit moon,

hugging a mental fire,

shaking and withdrawn from life.

in my dreams i swam to you,
currents kept me in refrain,
thought I heard you say hello,
greatest voice I've ever known.

suicidal,
not afraid to say the name,
whatever takes the pain away,
my friends will always say the same:
'you're fine, get help, you're not okay',
this drink means more,
than being brave.
'I'll stop', I'm saying every day.
whatever takes the pain away.

am i manipulative,

or pieces of alcoholism,

of bottles and losing lovers,

leaving loved ones on a whim,

winning in whirlwinds of loss,

dreams of stability and sure,

but your eyes are where I'm lured,

leaving you on a whim,

cold and cautious and scared.

you are the parking lot,

i can't forget, the friend i,

never meant to forgive.

a fiend that lost his head,

breathing, drinking to forget,

formally in love with a ghost,

an old home without hosts,

all in all, just a shade with no soul.

or a birthday basking in friends,

ending a life with no end,

sending love across states,

like a fool with no sense.

knowing no one can stand you,

giving up in the end.

or that star on your shoulder,

that could die and begin,

kissed against a headlight of friends.

maybe, let him stand by my side,

let him tear you from my mind,

**** me apathetic,

when i cant keep you from my sights.

maybe all that turns is a little time,

or turns my torment into lifetimes.

i still see you as a lifeline.

when i recover,
and if you are found,
apology mouth,
to return all my sound.
the cries, never made,
as they kneel at your face,
marking a promise,
to finally stay.

be my savior and victim,

only blurry eyes see both,

spent my whole life,

swimming in a broken pool,

stick by my side,

who is truly the fool?

when my demons closed shop,

it will be humid and hot,

but my soul's a bit colder,

and my mind not as shocked.

when your face becomes love,

finally feeling at home.

when i can say no to a drug,

or a drink and some sin.

marry me on paper,

i wont know when to say when,

help me bury the past,

lead me where to begin.

you wiped all my tears,
and made them your own,
my face in your hands,
no greater a home.
but now that you're gone,
i face it alone.
your side of the sea,
you're safer in rome.

goodbye,
to suns i couldn't see,
so long to words you didnt mean,
the ones you said so lovingly.

good night,
to moons i'll never hold,
live long and grow old.

does it slowly bubble up,

like water over drains?

is it dawn upon a white-room wall?

will it sway like our legs,

in a dying day?

a loving word,

lifting curses from a loved one's lips?

is it backroad watered dirt,

under a moonless night,

revived by the morning light.

a chipped tooth,

in another drunken fight.

or the thought to lose that loving sigh.

that treat such broken men kindly.