pass me a drink, im too anxious to sink in this social setting.

give me a drink, I'm twenty one with twenty one mistakes to make.

I'll only have a couple drinks,
enough to drive home. it's only down the street.

i want to drink, push these feelings far
away from me, for a moment I'll feel

free.

i need to drink, my throat will paint this comfy ditch of things I didnt mean

i cant stop drinking, holding a thousand angels on my ***** wings, fighting my course of destruction and replacing my actions with false apologies.

i dont want to drink, my life is my own   and beautifully alone, counting the hours that my drinking is done.

sweet taste in my mouth,

one i once hated,

nicotine in my chest.

warm feelings were never enough.

alcoholic breath,

such a thing i could never love.

yet i spoke in nightmares,

hoping that my friends would hear.

all i write is for you;

not for millions, but the few,

from safe shelter,

for your eyes,

sprinkled time while i grew.


all i needed was you,

nothing more, no one else,

once a lover, then a lout,

hugging corners of fire,

and calling it "hell".

10,000 words i wrote for me,

each one, a moment feeling free,

but still i suffer mentally,

sold my conscious for a lot of drink,

suffered daily, '19,

a year my mind will never leave,

but happy days, they strive to be,

i pray the drinks are temporary.

sober life is frightening,

hate my life,

a soul i can't carry,

instead i wrote these words,

so an angel could hear me.

all my seasons were a pain to you,

if only you had stayed for four or two.

my drinking doubled digits daily,

while i numbly watched you fly away.

i never thought it you to blame,

not a single moment, every day.

warm pain in my veins,

unbreakable, shaking in the rain.

singing songs about your name.

warm pain in my veins,

unbreakable, shaking in the rain.

singing songs about the pain.

warm pain in my veins,

unbreakable, shaking in the rain.

trying to remember my name.

worn planes in a sink,

breakable, breaking, in pain.

try to stay sane.

worn out but surprisingly sane,

unshakeable in shame,

trying to stay the same.

warm home and embrace,

breaking through, someone says:

stay sober, don't change.

your eyes were a riverbed,
my hands like a branch.
my voice was a hummingbird,
thoughts in quicksand.
the waves carried everything,
moved by the moon,
there's a light in my hand,
and it glows in this room.

please turn the ceiling to stars,

paint my walls with art,

pulling pain from my heart.

turn the floor into doors,

to a better place from here.

fill my sink full of hope,

eyes sinking ecstasy in a phone screen,

but we'll never say what we mean.

I'll keep myself together for you,

just to fall apart in this room.

seagreen in percussion,

ant hills in heels,

inhaling all thoughts.

recklessly leaving, windows opening,

sickly sounds, of doors are shutting,

infinitely holding on to corners,

hoping hard times are behind them,

and a whole new life behind quitting.

can you spin inside this room again,

to stop this ride or save my life,

I know you won't do either,

and that choice is only mine.

maybe i should stay in here,

and hope that blur turns into you,

or hope that I'm just drunk enough,

to believe that it comes true.

i could never be alone,

but that's why i'm so terrified.

spiraling self-doubt under skylight.

to remember your face,

under every star my eyes could count.

i could never be alone,

but i changed when my mom died.

i can't handle the dark,

i can't inhale the air.

i can't take this place anymore.

but morbid curiosity keeps me livin',

and i've absorbed so much pain,

i've swallowed what terrifies me.

but i could never do it twice.

a poor man watching traffic pass by,

knowing neither destination,

just the passing time.

his heart, without loved ones,

or a passion adored,

only drink and needle

keep him floored.

if he passed away on the street,

he would not lack happiness,

or a peaceful sleep.

he would only lack gratitude,

to see what seems impossible to reach.

i was that man a thousand times,

and ten thousand times more.

i was the eye on the road,

and the trash kicked to curb.

i was the guiding light,

and the troubled night.

at an infinite age of twenty eight,

i still stare at a mirror,

pray my demons wont stare at me.

without you for two days,

still, i tip my head without shame,

nightly, draining life from a drink,

the steaming distillery lies in bed.

how long can an ocean be,

or a sky seen by eyes;

every second spent alive.

lonely as the bottom of yours,

but what you read was never hers.

she lives beyond broken eyelids,

promised truth.

i outlive my sordid use.

second chances live in trees,

while the woodcut slowly becomes me

gripped face,
wet hands,
sun breaks,
you stand.

falling down again.

where im not vile,

where im not drunk.

keeping promises,

controlling the sun.

soothing your mood,

shining the moon,

hoping that i see my friends soon.

they dont love me at all,
it's no wonder why so,
and the less i get back,
means the less that i show.
it's been said many times,
many ways from our throats:
its the love that we lost,
that we passionately hold.
and we shuffle through seasons,
then suffer the cold.
we live 25 years feeling 40 years old,
built on longing and pain,
and the lies that we're told.
but this rant has gone on,
and my passion will fold.
but don't pity me
comfort me,
leave me alone.
cause the person i've been,
are the faults of my own.

on my mind at night,

i can't say words, but i might,

drag you down,

i still stay out of town.

maybe my life is foolish,

and im just cringing by the fire,

but i know I've told truth as a liar.

and no matter what color that,

just happens to change your hair,

maybe it reflects the days i regret,

i still wake and i still fret,

for you, truly im still left,

but sunsets still don't feel like they,

used to.

the things that shake my bones,

sowed in lights,

that aren't my own.

I marry promises,

i wish I showed.

but sin is nothing but a boat,

a menaced bite,

a midnight moan.

i built you,

out of loss.

a pain,

our love forgot.

a loving prayer that sings to me.

the thing I'd trade eternally,

a smile, i lived so miserably.

i shouldn't have said a word to you,
my eyes are blurry,
married you,
instrusive to reality.
i made you mine like others do.
you werent mine.
im loving you in seconds,
that i cant prove.
you pull away like the sky is blue
bleeding red like an open wound.
i love you like a broken youth.

how to fall in love with a stranger,

how to put my life in danger.

how to fist fight my neighbor,

to save my whole life for later.

to turn days,

into days I dont remember.

to turn four walls,

into things i don't want to remember.

how to love someone,

and never forget her.

may you feel a blessing in your chest.

may you feel more than my best.

may you pass every painful test.

may you heal every mess.

may you live longer than guessed.

i'd pour happiness,

if i knew how to hold it,

i'd give it to you,

breaking your neck,

replace it with mine.

pointless actions,

redeem my favorite friends.

i'd spend a lifetime,

tearing stars from the night,

just to recreate your life.

i need help.

broken shelf,
we refuse to repair.
i repeat the same pain,
she forgets all that fear.
we can love all we want,
what i need is myself.
broken glass on the wall,
all those family-missed calls.
hold my hand all you want,
you can't teach me to breathe,
i can't live with myself,
when the problem is me.

melatonin on my breath,

worming through weaknesses,

thinking, holding onto my knees.

turning thoughts into breathing;

alcohol on my breath,

shaking through shifts,

seamlessly drinking under stars.

glass bottles clip my top two teeth.

i wonder where you go,

drift away to the back of my mind.

carry my conscious,

making my lies.

pity my soul,

you won't write these lines.

i think about it all the time.

i have all that i need,

such a plan for my head,

all your words are just dreams,

where i wish i was dead.

i wish you were proud,

in line,

i see each soul,

that never turned around.

I've melted into the ground,

i feel some things that keep me loud.

god and alcohol arent allowed,

i pray my loss,

is something else i found.

made great,

a great emotion,

that words could never show.

that helped me live a little longer.

blessed my foot with the snow,

that will always melt,

without a print to show.

for the moment I'll stare,

and learn to let go.

we change for the people that we love,

even the unannounced, up above,

to carry spirits at heart,

in a burden weighed more than dirt.

to be loved after loss,

neither blessing nor curse,

only achieved through years of work.

i'm abandoned but competent,

uncontent in my trying,

and unfulfilled.

believe in my hands,

but never my ways,

carried on cardboard,

broken in concrete.

i will never look at you the same,

nothing about you makes me sane.

i lost so much to your name.

blankets of time snowing over

things you tried to tame.

i have written for years

but the one that cant hear

is in front of a mirror.

i lived years for the guilt,

manifesting all the things that I felt.

until i lived for goodbyes,

and a way to get lost.

the amount of times i cried,

and you could not hold me.

the amount of times i cried,

and could not hold myself.

the amount of times i cried,

and could not hold myself together.

the amount of times i cried,

and could not hold you.

i might as well try,

to move moons where you'll swoon,

with some shaky hands,

I could give to you.

a broken heart is nothing new,
there's weeds to grow,
and things to do.
we make up words,
to make them true,
but not the kind to hold on to.
So let it go,
and time will pass,
the questions, easier to ask.
and when you do,
what will you say?

"I lived to love another day"

to all the feelings I ever hurt,
to your help from which I turned,
to the pain I probably earned,
a lesson rots,
your side untaught,
so much unlearned:

i'm sorry.

forever words,
i don't deserve.

i saw your eyes,
over fork and knife,
wondering of your day's last light.
will it be your time,
or is it mine?
no son of yours,
would be so kind.
held glass, not hands,
for things i couldn't stand.
deprived of sleep,
to sift through sand.
i pray that nightmare doesnt come,
when i will be the only one,
a self-taught lie, now come undone.
the things you saw, i'll never see,
the better side inside of me,
who pawned your love,
for one more drink.

such millennial grief,

yet i cant forget what it means:

a good morning or good night,

another song you want me to sing,

the words 'here' at my doorstep,

simple moments that i cant forget.

'have a good day's' at work.

or you asking for a shirt.

but i sure miss you when i hurt.

i'd rather die,
than hold another drink again.
i lost myself,
i've lost my friends.
my family's love, i still ignore,
but still it knows no end.

to whom it may concern,
i'm more than this,
and all my faults.
it's hard to stand,
i often fall.

im sorry you [    ],

if i could [   ], I would [    ].

i swear I'll [    ],

I won't [   ] anymore.

Just [   ],

if you're [   ],

go to [    ].

I'm sorry, i  [     ].

staring stars,

gliding in dark,

finding comfort in arks,

you know who you are.

most of me,

i'm not put together;

yet you still stay,

and there could be no other.

the sun scratches your back,

the moon cools your face.

here i am,

in a sea of doubt,

you are all i have learned,

to live with out.

a lover's pledge,

that we pretend not to doubt.

quiet words we can't quite shout,

but it makes our hearts loud.

what is love,

but another broken crown?

something broken, deep inside,
long, I've searched,
it always hides.
my friend's say 'breathe,
just give it time'.
how long can trauma,
stay a lie?
so long, I've fought,
to stay alive.
a family worried,
mouth is tied.
my mind can't pick a ******* side.
i want to love myself,
I've tried.

and if I go,
just know i tried.

i cant replace your face in clouds,

or burn the thoughts that i allow,

or **** a soul so loud.

like a cut i dont repair,

i hum to watch it stay and sear,

then drink and hope it reappears.

i see what you dont see anymore,

all i know is the floor.

bury me and take a little more.

sell the things i adored.

married to a pretty floor.

hold your hands to a fire,
that you can't pull from.
paint them red,
and call it love.

twist your neck in the cage,
where you once felt free.
as you float towards the moon,
you claw at the trees.

heaven hides,
but she's calling me.

pushed daisies,
in front of your eyes,
frivolous lies,
contemptable tries,
egregiously tied,
spliced, you decide.
timid but true,
commendable blur,
technical spur,
an admirable burn.
turnips in bloom,
loving me too,
talkative truth,
a drunkard abused.
used to a life,
like a child had made,
turned, broken glass,
found a peace in the shade.
no, i'm afraid,
your heart, not my goal,
just worshipped the lies,
i always was told.