you found a future,
i helped you find.
you sawed my nerves,
i left to die,
but still alive
so, yes i try,
but not for you,
still feel your lies.

i'll enjoy the clouds until then,

rain falling on your cement,

seemingly harmless, until then,

your soul falls apart,

i'll find a new start,

forgetting the people we are.


[Part Two]

a good man forgets,

leaving a lifetime behind.

loving something else,

readjusting his eyes.

your eyes melt mine,
but still i stare.
your laugh brings back,
what wasn't there.

o', to be unloved,

by those who no longer sing.

to untangle heart's mess,

when love's voice doesn't ring.

to set sail in a storm,

to be drowned every day,

to wake up in puddle,

just to do it again.

if i loved you,

then i would have stopped.

your imprint on my wall,

a feeling i can't feel at all.

you turned into a grain of salt,

nothing's gained without the fall,

the bottom,

all i ever saw.

Imperfect Occupant:

Seeking Four Walls To Vent,

Always On Time With Rent.

Lacking Friend, Family,

(Roommate?) On The Fence.

Long Lease, Lost Romantic.

Carefree And Losing It.

all my seasons were a pain to you,

if only you had stayed for four or two.

my drinking doubled digits daily,

while i numbly watched you fly away.

i never thought it you to blame,

not a single moment, every day.

never found,
never tried.
always ran from the things,
that were harming my life.
the light on that razor,
my skin opened wide.
its edge, a small child,
thought my curves were a slide.
then my therapist drinks,
while i pretend to cry.
all my ghosts disappear,
then appear right on time.

once,

they loved me like no other,
held my hand,
and gave me cover.
rainy days,
in states so southern,
broke the clocks, our time forever.

i pushed them out,
my mind's endeavor.

six more,
i hate myself,
you, so adored,
so walk out that door.

if i ever saw you again,

i'd never know what to say.

I'd forget the things i used to hold.

I couldn't reach your eyes,

and never meet your soul.

but my heart's still on fire,

while the flame is so old.

pathetic hands try to stop,

"but there is more to your loss"

there is more to be lost,

in these shackles i bought.

but this dream feels much better,

than any thing i ever have thought.

i broke and i built,
and i gave you my all,
while you left me a dream,
that i could not recall.
though i loved when I could,
like your God always would,
don't you cry when its gone,
loved you just as I should.

the nights you would drink,

special seconds you spent sinking,

instead of dinner or simple truth;

never knowing i cant love you.

would you bury my best,
just to see if i breathe?
would you tear in my skin,
just to count all the seams?
am i all that you want,
all those sins that you need?
can i hold all your words,
just to show what they mean?

i wasn't part of it,
starting off glowing and clean,
you dug in my face,
just to call me a thing.
felt all your downfalls,
falling between,
filled all your cracks,
while i'm tortured by scenes.

run, i'm afraid,
of the man i have made.
i made my mid-twenties,
i have simply stayed.
but i hope you are proud,
of how well i have aged.
so i hope you are well,
and i hope you're okay.

i loved once,
and long enough.
found a fire i could *****.
turned to drinking,
gained my fill,
found my future in a hill.
where it lead,
i'll never know,
found myself within the snow.

i won't plunge headfirst,

at the first sign of relief.

i won't love cause i'm lonely,

but i will when I'm sober.

i won't stare through your eyes,

out of fear from their light.

i wont linger in darkness,

when my soul isnt right.

please don't let me die alone

an ocean shines like gold,
in sunlight like a fleeing thought,
feeling things the summer taught.
falling down like fading leaves,
pray the demons leaving me.
shot the stars, i couldn't miss,
i saw the lie in God's intent.

like a ghost, it pulls your head back,

breaks each peaceful lull it ever had,

like a marionette,

painfully obeying the lines,

without a voice to answer the crimes.

your brain, fairly weathered,

tying stones to your legs,

so that you might feel better,

but there is nothing quite soothing,

like your life turned into letters.

the seconds will fade,
while the minutes sneak by.
an hour so short,
blue to black, turns our sky.

the sun and the moon,
they carried me home.
the stars lit a sign,
that i wasn't alone.
i was dizzily distant,
desperately indifferent.
your love stretched the sky,
and your mouth marked the ends.

sickening, its evident,
your loving soul was heaven sent,
the shame we shared,
we never meant,
was celibate to all your sin,
addictions that i learned to fend,
i ******* let you in again.

i don't know if I'll call,

dont know you at all,

distant and tall,

tender, i fall,

seasons, they draw.

my birthday is yours,

i'll never sing,

words and thoughts,

they never mean,

probably the best,

in my head,

your head on my chest.

soak the love they left.

haunted thoughts,
that don't turn off.
panic comes,
and leaves so soft.
a certain fact,
you can't make true,
to make it real is all you do.
robbed a fridge,
from my own kin,
to feel like I'm a better man.
the moon routine revolves to sun,
forgot to hold on to your love.

i drink aquariums,

i stare at stars,

lean against my charcoal car,

watching blackened clouds,

drifting around,

hoping, with a heavy heart,

that you slow this spinning bar.

and when you do,

i'll stop dreaming of you,

or my charcoal car.

terrifyingly tantalizing,
realizing lies in me,
red eyes from my burning tree,
regret like a past-time dream,
unafraid of what, suddenly, can be,
my heart swelling suddenly.
a sin without curse,
as it holds me so lovingly.
words in my mouth,
that your body can speak.
seeing your face,
a tortured release.

a bit more,

bringing nothing back.

bashful sun, in love,

madness

old friends lie,

waiting for me to die,

never looking in the eye.

like my mother in time,

i choose the coward side.

but my soul is only mine,

would you call it a crime,

if i wanted this life?

to endlessly crawl,

into bed while unmade.

to forgo love,

while i hold on to me,

like a drink.

to breathe indefinitely,

without one to care.

ahold of delusion,

the ghosts stand  right there.

to seek help,

in a soul that just can't,

to believe every word,

of the way that i am.

I'm not afraid of the dark,

im afraid of your eyes,

of everything that left mine,

including you.

i pray someone can imitate you,

but nothing will replace you.

i will show you all my words,

while my nerves grip my soul,

"seek away from" my addiction.

i will count the thoughts in your mind

forgetting all the times i tried,

to be someone golden in your eyes.

i will fall apart so naturally,

so i can feel amended,

so i can sleep at night,

so i can live my life,

the next time i'm in love.

the first night i kissed you,

an eternity, i have missed you.

i wish i stopped when i could,

early jokes, how i would marry you,

in a crowded wood.

call it a life,

that life would have been good.

but the stars still miss you,

and the moon adores you.

not as much as me,

with my drunken words,

and my shaky knees,

a dying fiend.

that hopes to see,

the one he loves,

before she leaves.

your embrace couldnt hold this flame,

this thing that burns us in every way.

second best to a dying day,

but my favorite thing is how you stay.

i might as well try,

to move moons where you'll swoon,

with some shaky hands,

I could give to you.

write my life away,

knowing,

nothing could ever make you stay.

cold as steel, while life stays the same.

i'll move side to side,

but i still stay in my place;

waiting for yours,

or another new face.

maybe, let him stand by my side,

let him tear you from my mind,

**** me apathetic,

when i cant keep you from my sights.

maybe all that turns is a little time,

or turns my torment into lifetimes.

i still see you as a lifeline.

i don't know where you're going,
but I'm grateful as sin,
to have known all your pieces,
and places you've been.
i hope somewhere nice,
filled with thousands of lights.
where the days are more bearable,
especially their nights.

the stars will still glow at night,

your arms will still hold tight.

traffic, sun, stop lights.

a dog will still bark.

a phone screen will light up,

and a splash in a pool.

favorite family traditions.

heartache and time,

love will persevere,

and every drug and downfall.

you'll pay your bills,

make your favorite meal.

you'll talk in theaters,

pray to creators.

fall in love with an actor.

Facetime best friends,

promise love until the end.

socialize and drink,

throwing up in a sink.

in a car, make a scene.

doctor wounds without degrees.

rehabilitate a broken dream,

as a bird patiently sings,

in a room with no shoe strings.

where you're well enough to breathe.

this person is me,

where i need to be.

and the world will sing,

while i make mine okay.

until then I'll be here,

without something to say.

nothing will hurt worse,

than what i did to you.

no self-consoling,

ever came through.

i decided,

i dont want to know the truth.

whatever love is,

or what made me hold onto you.

you're my ticket out,

one i wish I could lose.

like a place of transportation,

would ever appear in this room.

cage me for years and call it soon.

with nothing but myself to lose.

i turned you into light,
i turned you into time,
i turned you to the sky,
I threw you to the ground,
i turned my life around.
i was lost until I found

you

you're the pills on my counter,
you're the smoke in my lungs,
you're the drink on my lips,
on my shirt, on the floor.
you're a knock on my door.
you're the fear in my heart,
the day I cant start,
we're an ocean apart,
i still love who you are,
i see hope in the stars.

and their shadows dim,

time,

the kind to turn boys to men,

lonely only looking for a friend.

reach for fire

gainingredhands

they never heard my crow call,

cawing always drunkenawe.

all i need is them,
a grain of salt

selfinflictions, all my lovers ever saw.

once i loved a thing so pure

self-harmed, so sure.

always knew it was wrong.

it takes courage to turn words,

into something that may be unheard,

but i hope it gets you through a night,

gain a battle in a losing fight,

ring your soul to make it light.

stop a gun or knife upon your life.

twenty-eight,

twice in love,

now only in love with twilight,

where I'm not your guy.

not a drink or your word,

could appease what i should,

screaming, scraped up walls,

said i did what I could.

alcohol slowly fills my stomach.

i'm only fine because i can handle it,

stop signs are nothing,

and i'm closer to ending it.

my favorite thought is here,

if i could eat it i would.

can't wait to embarass myself,

to every friend and family-member,

i'm only semi-glad im still here,

but aren't you too?

if pride were a thing,

i'd trade it for more,

and spit out the rest.

found you in my darkest days,
a love I'd have no other way.
i tried to pull but still i stayed,
for once, i cannot walk away.

will you be there,
when the levee breaks,
the doubts crawling over,
falling on face.
will you love my black eye,
in the middle of noon?
will you hold shaky hands,
when i say i can't too?
will you judge my left arm,
when you see me at work?
each one is a lesson,
i still haven't learned.
i loved when i lost,
am i losing you too?
will you carry my torch,
when i 'm killed by the truth?

used to losing things,
those rainy days,
the thoughts with no name,
i have weathered my shame,
the nights that i drank,
my world stays the same.
the pain i can't change,
i'm honest and blamed,
my demons arranged,
to feel so deranged,
be proud, they all say,
but i'm not, and I'm scared,
then they all disappeared.

write me, in your eyes.

tell me i can be good again.

promise death is not the end.

to live and love for all my friends.

don't let those fleeting moments,

fly for too long