october holds my soul,
i'll never be sober,
growing older and older,
dont let me shake alone,
i shouldnt have,
i know, i know.

please be more than words on screen,
try to see a better side of things,
i wrote these words,
you wouldn't read.
in case you are,
your pedestal,
is next to me.
it's missing you,
when i can't breathe.
i wish you stayed,
i couldn't leave.

the myth behind the blinding lights,
the numbing drink in constant fight,
to ground my loving, livid mind.
the friendships,
pushed and pulled around.
the nightly drives across the town.
an empty seat when i arrive,
the hopeful heart that limps to strive.
the medicine within my fridge,
to dig up reasons just to live,
a mother's death, her dying sun,
a holy presence picks which one.

who are you,
to shake my small world.
to upturn the ground,
when you're not around.
the hate that i hold,
i will slowly let go,
i can change you from friend,
to someone i don't know.
though the fire's still young,
it is one that will lull.
like the pride that stands strong,
will, in time, become old.

forever falling apart,

fading out with the stars.

addicted to the moon,

just to forget such an empty room.

but a couple of words couldn't hurt;

"something, something",

something about you being hers.

a fire is so bright,

before darkness occurs

there's no cure to that curse,

only time will prevail,

over living and learning.

i keep changing rooms,

just to spin away from you,

only hoping you can hold me down,

carrying tons for you.

so you stick around,

fighting men in your crowd.

loneliness cures syrup,

im mush without you,

fighting thoughts in my head,

biding life, while your life is the glue.

what i lost a long time ago is you.

maybe ego is a freedom,

breathing meaning in a wound,

but as lost as white vans,

i might know what could be true.

a poor man watching traffic pass by,

knowing neither destination,

just the passing time.

his heart, without loved ones,

or a passion adored,

only drink and needle

keep him floored.

if he passed away on the street,

he would not lack happiness,

or a peaceful sleep.

he would only lack gratitude,

to see what seems impossible to reach.

i was that man a thousand times,

and ten thousand times more.

i was the eye on the road,

and the trash kicked to curb.

i was the guiding light,

and the troubled night.

at an infinite age of twenty eight,

i still stare at a mirror,

pray my demons wont stare at me.

with such words in my mouth,
in stead, written on walls.
ignoring every life call.
walk inside my sad room,
i swear there's some truth,
somewhere, obviously you.
i traded my death,
for that burning youth.
take it for granted,
and gradually tuned,
as it shapes in your hand,
all my cuts on my arm,
well, they tragically soothe.

i hope you know, i pray for you,

as far as i can get from you,

I see when i was in love with you,

remember when i was losing you?

replayed it every night to get to you.

regretting things i did for you,

forgiving things you said were true.

when i heard,
those silly words,
that slipped your mouth,
i took to heart,
their honesty,
I was devout.
now i walk,
a path without,
weary of the skies to shout.
surely luck,
if I'm bestowed,
will suddenly say my name aloud.

and that will be enough.

stay in bed all day,
i know you'll be okay,
as long as you can say,
'I'll be okay',
you know you wont,
but that's okay,
you'll stay in bed,
all day today.

carry me the comfort of tomorrow,

until you bring the dawn,

love me in my darkest hour,

unlike the love i've lost.

i'll be merry when you're merry,

then i'll miss you when it's gone,

i know nothing of forever,

but i know how much it cost.

almost numb to the core,

but your time is adored,

therefore, i'm a fool,

opening a ****** door,

and you love me,

but i love you more.

a movie we would never finish,

lights were low, my soul was dim,

wrapped an arm around your waist,

such uncertainty within your face.

caressed it like i had for years.

i don't regret a single tear.

held you tight while you were mine.

now nothing's left but nine lines.

and maybe that's alright.

some day i'll fall away,
you'll have your space,
you'll have your way,
you'll be okay.
you stayed the same,
the day i fell away.

maybe it will empty the corners,

of the room in my mind.

silence the movie in my life,

playing possum every night.

promising hand holds in a room,

where i heal closer to you.

shaking my soul,

like some ***** broom.

violently chanting a mess to the moon,

only finding the grass.

counting dimes for another drink,

remembering your face when i sing:

"part one", in my dreams,

where i wake up a fable,

then i fumble around the noon.

shaking in corners of sun,

charging a battle towards no one.

silently losing my speech at night,

replaying every thing, made right.

i don't know how to hold you,

i don't know how to speak,

all this eye in the storm,

i don't know how to be:

you did drugs,

my soul was at sea,

we were perfectly imperfect,

but barely in seam.

i loved you in bookstores,

and I hate when you sing.

then you drifted away,

now i know what it means.

fortune can't flow in my veins,

i don't choose the words in my brain,

but if i could, they might say:

my arms are bright red,

my mom ran out of breath,

its been three years since her death.

faking faith till I'm full,

i still drink like a fool,

wishing i was still loving you.

but I'll make it up while i go,

pray my mind makes a home,

while i hold on to life all alone.

i see love held tenderly,

my two parents on a couch.

all the souls i won't let in,

every soul i squeezed out.

and too many break downs.

a comfort i cant keep secret,

with a moonful regret,

a sun full of self bitterness.

an artist without entitlement.

locked in the grey eyes of cement.

remember when you broke me so?
taught me terror that i hadn't known?
questions that would weigh me low.
traveled sand just to feel the snow.
across the world, then frozen cold.

hold still, while i fall into you,

i don't fall long, but i enjoy the view,

of something i'll eventually call 'youth'

loss is just the end of all growth.

but i still know what i do.

and i still write your name in snow,

hopeful i can change myself,

before stars and myself melt.

convince me it's a flame,

call me callously insane,

only loved ones recall my name;

only dying parents,

oldest friends,

lovers longing better things.

but my liver loves the bitter drinks,

as it catapults my life away,

where there's nothing but my words,

or so to speak.

until then ill enjoy the screens,

while my body's out of song.

Anxiety is trying me, bottles tend to bury me. What it is is what it means, my poor attempts at being free. Just know I struggle mentally, and being drunk is comforting, so cover me in company,

sobriety,

it hides from me.

farewell to death,
the breaking of hearts.
so long to tension,
replacing our start.
goodbye to fear,
the hole it creates,
trembling in sorrow,
the words we can't say.

seaside apple slices,

open oceanside,

beside myself interior,

in tears upon an infinite reef.

forget your makeup,

i'll forget to breathe,

like a dead gull at sea,

choking, hope you remember me.

forget my **** up,

while i forget to be,

like a lost soul at sea,

hoping you forgive me.

an addiction wrapped,
in timeless dates,
from the days that you stop,
to the moment you start.
all the words to yourself,
swollen full with such heart,
surrendered to demons,
never knew who you are.
all the trauma you hold,
just to feel the cold ground,
every voice that you made,
when you weren't around.
an apology with no reason,
your hand declared treason,
like all things i once lost,
watched my mood,
change like seasons.
said i wouldn't,
while i did,
hung on words that you said,
left my words for the dead,
just to keep you in my head.

silent knocks on my door,

i don't see you,

what did i adore

cigarettes in front of my door.


its horrifying,

silently sliding through another night.

crying and trying, I'm dye

ing to change each night before it.

and if all the stars ever fade away,

i'd lie and say I'll be okay.

that marble moon would maybe stay.

and if that moon would fade away,

I'd lie and say I'll be okay.

the sun is bright,
your job is terrible.
you're always tired,
you can't sleep.
your words are grey,
without a drink.

but that's okay,
you need a rest,
no more goodbyes.
your family loves you,
stay a while.
how do i say I'm terrified?

the pretty words in all the world,
they called behind the cellar door,
sincerely like an optimist,
missing cues in abstinence,
not alike,
you face your fears,
the difference dug within a year,
my breathing just a part time job,
like losing something without loss,
your love is what it used to cost.
its's tied upon a cherry tree,
your spot imprinted on the bark,
the sun revealed what once was dark,
your moon will keep me wide awake.
the difference from divided day.

too scared to see you now,
sensitive in crowds,
lonely when I say don't come around.
loved you,

though my face,

held a frown.

hated when you turned it,

up side down.

But I loved you,

now i wish i'd come around.

wednesday, i stopped,
threw the rain to the shore,
didn't care for the pain,
cause i loved your face more.
if you see me in pieces,
they're all things i adore,
if this pain was a prison,
you're an unlocked door.

warm pain in my veins,

unbreakable, shaking in the rain.

singing songs about your name.

warm pain in my veins,

unbreakable, shaking in the rain.

singing songs about the pain.

warm pain in my veins,

unbreakable, shaking in the rain.

trying to remember my name.

worn planes in a sink,

breakable, breaking, in pain.

try to stay sane.

worn out but surprisingly sane,

unshakeable in shame,

trying to stay the same.

warm home and embrace,

breaking through, someone says:

stay sober, don't change.

someone promised to be better,

said they love you more than this,

like a light they could switch off,

he just couldnt,

he fell in love with the ground.

her love is a drug,
a lesson i hold.
nobody there,
but it's her that i love.
empty and clear,
nobody there.
something amiss,
and i miss when she's here.

too drunk to drive and so are you.

i drive us home

think it's the right thing to do

on that night i make a move.

your face felt so confused.

foreshadowing six months with you,

my stupid self thought i knew you,

then i found out i could cheat on you.

nothing short of what you're used to.

i still walk by the bench,

where i explained myself to you.

now I drink myself to death,

trying to find the truth.

salud

if you arrived,

i couldn't hold myself apart,

i'd split in to ten seas,

hoping you won't notice me.

duck my head in the bars,

like you used to use me.

I'd carry your breath to a beach,

stumble a bit,

and let go of your leash.

smell your hair,

shortly then, i show my teeth.

only a dream says you can leave.

but if you arrived,

i would paint ten-million lives,

just to live without a single one.

i'll have dinner at six,

with a bottle at nine,

but my soul only swells at midnight,

naught could keep it from happening.

my mouth is a fire

as i stumble through four doors

never knowing which one us would

not the terror,

nor the screams,

could ever bring [     ] to me,

while i painfully change,

into someone i cannot be.

no ocean, no sky,

floating in the dead of night,

could ever contain this pain of mine.

tie me up and watch me float,

shoot me down when my soul wont.

loved you with my blank eyes,

paralyzed, twenty-seven,

i should have died.

all in all,

only stars left above,

all i can't change or create,

asking for phonecalls,

but they all spin away.

gone are the days,

i am asked if i'm okay,

now i just sit and think away,

every drunken thing i cannot say,

until stars have long passed,

then i say im awake.

back when pictures were pictures,
not a way to make money,
models monetizing,
souls no longer appetizing,

phones making liars out of us.
decent people falling in lust.
finding meaning in holes.
bodies falling for tolls.
morals murdered and null.

i want to disappear in a dream,

you don't see,

where words dont mean anything.

im sorry for being mean

not all stars will show,

nor illuminate the snow,

but a winter cold,

will swallow our minds whole,

to steal away what we don't know,

with withered things that rest alone.

O, to hold another year,

for yesterday's a different fear,

but bold enough to bring it near.

to trace a soul that once was dear,

O, to hold another year.

i met you.
seeming innocent as me,
But you werent,
shadows doused in a light.
loved you all,
with all my might.
two swollen years before i knew
the broken promise on the roof,
i took the ladder,
thought it through.
You took the things
that made me true.

waiting on "i love you"

like clouds i shoot down

when im drunk

when you arent around.

my happiness

a soulless task.

in a state of peaceful happiness.

hanging on to the year,

for a moment you were there,

but im too scared to breathe,

without you here.