i never thought i'd be alive,

long enough to see you smile,

but i was, i don't know why,

this ugly one regret of mine:

you saw me at a younger time,

i thought i'd never be alive.

too scared to see you now,
sensitive in crowds,
lonely when I say don't come around.
loved you,

though my face,

held a frown.

hated when you turned it,

up side down.

But I loved you,

now i wish i'd come around.

forget your makeup,

i'll forget to breathe,

like a dead gull at sea,

choking, hope you remember me.

forget my **** up,

while i forget to be,

like a lost soul at sea,

hoping you forgive me.

farewell to death,
the breaking of hearts.
so long to tension,
replacing our start.
goodbye to fear,
the hole it creates,
trembling in sorrow,
the words we can't say.

if i could walk backwards to you,

without falling apart.

if i could feel such a loss,

but remain at the start.

the sun is bright,
your job is terrible.
you're always tired,
you can't sleep.
your words are grey,
without a drink.

but that's okay,
you need a rest,
no more goodbyes.
your family loves you,
stay a while.
how do i say I'm terrified?

her love is a drug,
a lesson i hold.
nobody there,
but it's her that i love.
empty and clear,
nobody there.
something amiss,
and i miss when she's here.

a scary thing in my side,

could be you,

could be all of my lies,

ive been walking through all my life.

is it my liver crying out,

trying to get out alive?

ill never know,

while the alcohol flows,

through a poor soul, it roams.

where my loved ones are there,

but my heart's always here,

and what stands in between,

is some simple self care.

but its never so simple,

with a life insecure.

but i loved you the way,

that would keep you right here.

the nights you would drink,

special seconds you spent sinking,

instead of dinner or simple truth;

never knowing i cant love you.

almost numb to the core,

but your time is adored,

therefore, i'm a fool,

opening a ****** door,

and you love me,

but i love you more.

i don't know how to hold you,

i don't know how to speak,

all this eye in the storm,

i don't know how to be:

you did drugs,

my soul was at sea,

we were perfectly imperfect,

but barely in seam.

i loved you in bookstores,

and I hate when you sing.

then you drifted away,

now i know what it means.

tie me up and watch me float,

shoot me down when my soul wont.

loved you with my blank eyes,

paralyzed, twenty-seven,

i should have died.

your eyes melt mine,
but still i stare.
your laugh brings back,
what wasn't there.

run, i'm afraid,
of the man i have made.
i made my mid-twenties,
i have simply stayed.
but i hope you are proud,
of how well i have aged.
so i hope you are well,
and i hope you're okay.

the pretty words in all the world,
they called behind the cellar door,
sincerely like an optimist,
missing cues in abstinence,
not alike,
you face your fears,
the difference dug within a year,
my breathing just a part time job,
like losing something without loss,
your love is what it used to cost.
its's tied upon a cherry tree,
your spot imprinted on the bark,
the sun revealed what once was dark,
your moon will keep me wide awake.
the difference from divided day.

wednesday, i stopped,
threw the rain to the shore,
didn't care for the pain,
cause i loved your face more.
if you see me in pieces,
they're all things i adore,
if this pain was a prison,
you're an unlocked door.

once,

they loved me like no other,
held my hand,
and gave me cover.
rainy days,
in states so southern,
broke the clocks, our time forever.

i pushed them out,
my mind's endeavor.

i want to disappear in a dream,

you don't see,

where words dont mean anything.

im sorry for being mean

maybe it will empty the corners,

of the room in my mind.

silence the movie in my life,

playing possum every night.

promising hand holds in a room,

where i heal closer to you.

shaking my soul,

like some ***** broom.

violently chanting a mess to the moon,

only finding the grass.

counting dimes for another drink,

remembering your face when i sing:

"part one", in my dreams,

where i wake up a fable,

then i fumble around the noon.

shaking in corners of sun,

charging a battle towards no one.

silently losing my speech at night,

replaying every thing, made right.

i loved once,
and long enough.
found a fire i could *****.
turned to drinking,
gained my fill,
found my future in a hill.
where it lead,
i'll never know,
found myself within the snow.

tracing our steps,
especially tonight.
erasing the fright,
i fight, i can't fly,
you are worth all the apples that,
spill from my eye.
foreseen, all my options,
i die every time.
but hours with you,
i'm a cloud in your light.
i can live for your smile,
for some time, i can try.
if you leave me tomorrow,
i swear I'll be fine.
if love isn't worth it,
i'll still hold on a while.

to know i'd be ashamed,

to melt all memory to sand.

to justify all action,

to your face in the mirror,

if I could say that i loved you,

if i had said that i cared,

waiting on "i love you"

like clouds i shoot down

when im drunk

when you arent around.

my happiness

a soulless task.

if you arrived,

i couldn't hold myself apart,

i'd split in to ten seas,

hoping you won't notice me.

duck my head in the bars,

like you used to use me.

I'd carry your breath to a beach,

stumble a bit,

and let go of your leash.

smell your hair,

shortly then, i show my teeth.

only a dream says you can leave.

but if you arrived,

i would paint ten-million lives,

just to live without a single one.

the myth behind the blinding lights,
the numbing drink in constant fight,
to ground my loving, livid mind.
the friendships,
pushed and pulled around.
the nightly drives across the town.
an empty seat when i arrive,
the hopeful heart that limps to strive.
the medicine within my fridge,
to dig up reasons just to live,
a mother's death, her dying sun,
a holy presence picks which one.

an addiction wrapped,
in timeless dates,
from the days that you stop,
to the moment you start.
all the words to yourself,
swollen full with such heart,
surrendered to demons,
never knew who you are.
all the trauma you hold,
just to feel the cold ground,
every voice that you made,
when you weren't around.
an apology with no reason,
your hand declared treason,
like all things i once lost,
watched my mood,
change like seasons.
said i wouldn't,
while i did,
hung on words that you said,
left my words for the dead,
just to keep you in my head.

convince me it's a flame,

call me callously insane,

only loved ones recall my name;

only dying parents,

oldest friends,

lovers longing better things.

but my liver loves the bitter drinks,

as it catapults my life away,

where there's nothing but my words,

or so to speak.

until then ill enjoy the screens,

while my body's out of song.

not the terror,

nor the screams,

could ever bring [     ] to me,

while i painfully change,

into someone i cannot be.

no ocean, no sky,

floating in the dead of night,

could ever contain this pain of mine.

you found a future,
i helped you find.
you sawed my nerves,
i left to die,
but still alive
so, yes i try,
but not for you,
still feel your lies.

fortune can't flow in my veins,

i don't choose the words in my brain,

but if i could, they might say:

my arms are bright red,

my mom ran out of breath,

its been three years since her death.

faking faith till I'm full,

i still drink like a fool,

wishing i was still loving you.

but I'll make it up while i go,

pray my mind makes a home,

while i hold on to life all alone.

would you bury my best,
just to see if i breathe?
would you tear in my skin,
just to count all the seams?
am i all that you want,
all those sins that you need?
can i hold all your words,
just to show what they mean?

i wasn't part of it,
starting off glowing and clean,
you dug in my face,
just to call me a thing.
felt all your downfalls,
falling between,
filled all your cracks,
while i'm tortured by scenes.

Imperfect Occupant:

Seeking Four Walls To Vent,

Always On Time With Rent.

Lacking Friend, Family,

(Roommate?) On The Fence.

Long Lease, Lost Romantic.

Carefree And Losing It.

i could never be in your arms for long.

forever on the sunset-lit backroad.

always in a halo-colored room.

staring blankly at a live screen.

wondering what my life means to me.

if i ever saw you again,

i'd never know what to say.

I'd forget the things i used to hold.

I couldn't reach your eyes,

and never meet your soul.

but my heart's still on fire,

while the flame is so old.

hold still, while i fall into you,

i don't fall long, but i enjoy the view,

of something i'll eventually call 'youth'

loss is just the end of all growth.

but i still know what i do.

and i still write your name in snow,

hopeful i can change myself,

before stars and myself melt.

in a state of peaceful happiness.

i broke and i built,
and i gave you my all,
while you left me a dream,
that i could not recall.
though i loved when I could,
like your God always would,
don't you cry when its gone,
loved you just as I should.

the sun and the moon,
they carried me home.
the stars lit a sign,
that i wasn't alone.
i was dizzily distant,
desperately indifferent.
your love stretched the sky,
and your mouth marked the ends.

someone promised to be better,

said they love you more than this,

like a light they could switch off,

he just couldnt,

he fell in love with the ground.

it takes courage to turn words,

into something that may be unheard,

but i hope it gets you through a night,

gain a battle in a losing fight,

ring your soul to make it light.

stop a gun or knife upon your life.

six more,
i hate myself,
you, so adored,
so walk out that door.

i won't plunge headfirst,

at the first sign of relief.

i won't love cause i'm lonely,

but i will when I'm sober.

i won't stare through your eyes,

out of fear from their light.

i wont linger in darkness,

when my soul isnt right.

never found,
never tried.
always ran from the things,
that were harming my life.
the light on that razor,
my skin opened wide.
its edge, a small child,
thought my curves were a slide.
then my therapist drinks,
while i pretend to cry.
all my ghosts disappear,
then appear right on time.

i wish i had more,
just to end this poor dream.
where my mind felt so well,
while you stole what it means.

your embrace couldnt hold this flame,

this thing that burns us in every way.

second best to a dying day,

but my favorite thing is how you stay.

dig me,

tell me that I'm alright.

dig me away,

off this beach,

attached to the sea,

like an unlikable leech.

dig me a hole,

promise me six feet.

dig me some gold,

pretend it's pure happiness,

i know that it's not,

but it's still sparkly to see.

bury me,

married a million times,

committed to a single thing;

it promised me a million dreams.

but none as sweet as you, i see.

will you marry me,

without your life by my side,

I would promise the sun a light.

by the time i had dreamed,

only God says it's time,

his two eyes

piercing straight through my lies,

while i still give him the light.

will you be there,
when the levee breaks,
the doubts crawling over,
falling on face.
will you love my black eye,
in the middle of noon?
will you hold shaky hands,
when i say i can't too?
will you judge my left arm,
when you see me at work?
each one is a lesson,
i still haven't learned.
i loved when i lost,
am i losing you too?
will you carry my torch,
when i 'm killed by the truth?

maybe, let him stand by my side,

let him tear you from my mind,

**** me apathetic,

when i cant keep you from my sights.

maybe all that turns is a little time,

or turns my torment into lifetimes.

i still see you as a lifeline.

write me, in your eyes.

tell me i can be good again.

promise death is not the end.

to live and love for all my friends.

don't let those fleeting moments,

fly for too long