im sinking slow,

i confide in a mattress,

with a drink and my soul.

i feel far from your heart,

can't commit to be heartless.

every sun is your sun,

every star was once ours,

now neither appear,

i'll never know who you are.

i hover above,
the grave I have dug,
remorsefully of,
a pain so undone.
too afraid of myself,
just a cry without love.
and the family I loved,
my mind carefully shunned.
while i lie on the ground,
they all cry for a son.

your wick struck through my core,
a small flame you adore.
but what of myself,
do I live without choice?
as i suffer in silence,
while the fire makes your noise.

you're the fire,

I'm alarmed,

i have lovers and friends,

written, cut in my arms,

all i wanted was biological matter,

all i got was a painful disorder.

i guess where you go,

is not where i'll be,

i'll collect the dead leaves,

where we once were,

so you'll be where i was.

buried beneath a drunken pond,

a mountain full of things i lost,

holding fire for too long.

i sought simple solutions simply to stutter my stage, suddenly and secretly, suspiciously suspect the sinful songs that substitute my sadness,

but I am.

serenading the sorry sorrows sneaking in my mind.

wouldn't know what to say,

or how to behave;

like a chicken with no head,

like a night without stars,

if i jumped like a dog,

would you tell me how far?

that i'm here,

shoehorned into stars,

giving up on my arms,

selling sins to my heart.

im a myth to my friends,

living fiend in the end,

I'm a mess without them,

but i will stay.

hold close to those you love,

in stead of loss, remember it,

the things you'll do, the way you did,

be grateful to remember it.

i don't mind that you left,

i don't mind where i am,

i just hate what i do,

to get over the end.

the horrible things we endure,

flames for a flicker of comfort.

you stand in a room,

carrying a burden you can't explain,

but it sings from your face,

carrying generations of pain.

like an ocean water sting,

to be with you is not living,

it's an art of ignorance,

storing heaven inside its heavy hands,

for a single sliver of chance.

soft suns sail across,

a red star-crossed sky,

and some night,

i won't know what it is.

souls shine, no less beautiful,

then those lights lost in their height,

came to me in tiny dreams,

the kind that try to let me breathe,

when the morning comes,

i wont know what they mean.

i could love a million things,

but not a single one would love me.

that's the maker's mark,

it's meant to be,

if only sober men could repeat the sea.

but surely that man isnt me.

i shouldn't have said a word to you,
my eyes are blurry,
married you,
instrusive to reality.
i made you mine like others do.
you werent mine.
im loving you in seconds,
that i cant prove.
you pull away like the sky is blue
bleeding red like an open wound.
i love you like a broken youth.

tonight belongs to me,

a slow reminder just to breathe,

a giant step to feeling free.

i'll mourn the day your love will cease,

but soon i'll be a better me,

like green upon a growing tree,

i'll love the day our shoulders lean.

when life is on the great retreat,

it's you who stays and i that leaves.

when time is still, our eyes will meet,

so i can be a part of thee,

if love is lost, then sing to me.

synchronized soul,
emotional pull,
removal of love,
the body unfolds.
characterized charts,
lost a lexicon,
lately, lethargic,
fatefully gone.
fearfully fresh,
trembling tips,
thorough in thought,
suddenly ripped.
lovable self,
terrible times,
carry me through,
replaceable lines.

better days,

where i don't tear myself apart.

better ways to find a heart.

bodies drop, a million ways.

find a love within their sway.

mourning in silence,

an empty room hears the sighs,

the popping bottles and crying,

a fully accepted way to die.

my heart is yours,

while you don't reappear,

losing all that time in your hair,

but you don't reappear.

I'm all yours,

but my heart's out to lunch,

choosing every thing you would love,

but you still don't appear,

so my heart is all yours.

arms cut to ribbons,

my soul kissed the ceiling,

the sun reappears,

without any feeling,

i'm closest to gone without leaving.

blurry nights,
broken with your face,
seducing words,
i wouldn't say.
be my angel,
say my name.
make me happy,
in our days.
so much to learn,
so say i'm sane,
i wouldn't have it any other way.

pushed daisies,
in front of your eyes,
frivolous lies,
contemptable tries,
egregiously tied,
spliced, you decide.
timid but true,
commendable blur,
technical spur,
an admirable burn.
turnips in bloom,
loving me too,
talkative truth,
a drunkard abused.
used to a life,
like a child had made,
turned, broken glass,
found a peace in the shade.
no, i'm afraid,
your heart, not my goal,
just worshipped the lies,
i always was told.

2013 -

(frozen ice,
infected windows.
silent room,
the swollen snow)

2014 -

(your parent's house,
a subtle stay,
the carpet shuffled,
crooned your name.
joked a broken leg,
to stay with you,
i left in love,
that wasn't true)

2016  -

(you threw my gifts,
the parking lot,
i gave my all,
and then i lost)

2019 -

(I took a sip,
to loosen up.
forgot my shift,
to nurse my cuts.
your knocks upon,
my lonely door,
i opened up,
your face adored)

1999 -

(my feet found floor,
my parent's room,
i walked in song,
my mind in tune)

1993 -

(your shadowed face,
i can't replace,
such words I meant,
but couldn't say.
i wish you'd stayed,
i wondered things,
your absent ghost,
i never faced)

a kin of mush before we met,

remain as much inside my head,

reborn in every word i ever said;

for where these things, they ever go,

i pray they find a quiet home.

wasted and welded,

to a well-lit screen,

sitting in a dim-lit room,

recreating my opinions of you.

half-way out an open door,

hanging on a half-lit moon,

hugging a mental fire,

shaking and withdrawn from life.

when the sky falls,

can i follow the midnight,

where i am nothing,

but a drunk on lies and life,

finding itself with heartache,

desperately lacking the ways,

that loved ones have said,

"i don't love you anymore"

goodnight to every breath that i took,

after begging to be where you stood

all the drinks i drank in the day time

all the pain too scared to be loud

the pain i put you through

i somehow allowed.

swallowed pride never hides

everything's in our eyes,

swearing i loved yours at one time.

but your flawless facade

masked your private despair.

i reappear from my illness,

with small hope and no home,

just four walls and a bed of my own,

motherless, with an inch left of soul.

my eyes are recovering gray,

miles away from the dark,

where i stood almost all of my life,

only time could replace this heart.

i am grateful for the days i can count,

forgive me for the ones that i can't,

but still, if you stood next to me,

i would still reach for your hand.

when my demons closed shop,

it will be humid and hot,

but my soul's a bit colder,

and my mind not as shocked.

when your face becomes love,

finally feeling at home.

when i can say no to a drug,

or a drink and some sin.

marry me on paper,

i wont know when to say when,

help me bury the past,

lead me where to begin.

You took my stupid, broken heart,
always Yours right from the start,
its not Your job to catch my fall,
yet You sweep me up when im apart.
dont know where all our love began,
we locked our eyes, i could have ran,
im so confused but still i stand.
i cannot be, You said i can.
break my heart or call it even,
pull me back when i am leaving.
willingly, im Yours for keeping.

sorry that i let you down,
falling, getting drunk in crowds,
turning bottle caps to crowns.
i wish you'd stay, and stick around.

too hard to hold,

too ill to let go,

my demons breathe anomalies,

that carry me from home.

every tear on my bedsheet,

could replace a whole ocean,

i hope it retains the emotion,

of my world falling apart,

like a canvas without art,

or my fingers without splinters,

longest summers without winter,

all my love, just without her,

every thing, every where,

ended by a pair of scissors.

though you hate the date,

i repeat the way i was every day,

even if i haven't changed much,

i still remember the love,

no matter what you think it was.

i was, and am, lost,

trading time for its cost,

a constant replay, i should move on.

realizing im too drunk to cry,

i might be too foolish to die.

thirty times, beg you by my side,

then you took your own life.

gave yourself a clean getaway.

if your life was a montage,

would you stare, would you starve?

would you care or move on?

fall in love with a man who can stop

fall in love with a man who can stop

fall in love with someone,

if they stop.

and my friend said,
'why do you have body spray?
who are you trying to impress?'

and i replied,
'Everyone but myself.'

you came back,
i had a drink,
for every second you were gone,
it kept time from being long.
forgot to ask what flight you're on.
but little did you know,
my love for self i slowly lost.

stayed up all night,
your love in that light,
there's gnats in my life,
kind of sweet,
knowing, well, what's just right.

limiting,
fidgeting,
beginning,
in capturing,
your soul so captivating.

leave a light on,
following like moths,
in a suffocating summer night.

she carries showers,

suspiciously meant to melt me down.

does she know,

she's all i need to stick around,

when my head hits the ceiling,

and my heart hits the ground.

her eyes replace all the sounds,

yet she always sees me come apart,

too ****** up to stare at stars.

I'll stand where you stand instead,

until you get tired of me.

my veins are on fire,

i want to disappear,

anything to keep you here,

a winter walked all by myself,
broken promise to myself,
painful words i couldn't tell,
wrote them down, now wish me well.
climbed on top a shooting star,
never wondered where you are,
I know the time and place you'll wait,
maybe i'll be there someday.

your smile used to be a sun.

went out when i was drunk.

embraced the dark until i saw

the color black

the black that all my life becomes.

what color is a life undone?

i paint these streets,

colorblind, bleeding red,

thoughts of drug dealers,

feeling alone.

i grip a white sun with orange hands,

further from you and who i am.

how many words,

can express what occurred,

i still think of every thing i heard,

they aren't mine, but i learned,

every thing i could burn,

never was mine or yours.

i'm on my own island,

swallowing saltwater for comfort,

but my happiness lies,

a few inches from shore.

my life began at twenty-one,

i was myself for twenty years,

now i struggle just to be here.

my life restarts at twenty-four,

my soul was held and long-ignored,

my friends were loved and so adored.

my life restarts at twenty-nine,

i live with what i left behind,

i tried to try and treat me kind,

a year ago i dropped the knife,

i struggle with a silent vice,

it keeps me warm, it holds me tight,

i give it all my darkest nights.

am i manipulative,

or pieces of alcoholism,

of bottles and losing lovers,

leaving loved ones on a whim,

winning in whirlwinds of loss,

dreams of stability and sure,

but your eyes are where I'm lured,

leaving you on a whim,

cold and cautious and scared.