without you for two days,

still, i tip my head without shame,

nightly, draining life from a drink,

the steaming distillery lies in bed.

stayed up all night,
your love in that light,
there's gnats in my life,
kind of sweet,
knowing, well, what's just right.

limiting,
fidgeting,
beginning,
in capturing,
your soul so captivating.

leave a light on,
following like moths,
in a suffocating summer night.

synchronized soul,
emotional pull,
removal of love,
the body unfolds.
characterized charts,
lost a lexicon,
lately, lethargic,
fatefully gone.
fearfully fresh,
trembling tips,
thorough in thought,
suddenly ripped.
lovable self,
terrible times,
carry me through,
replaceable lines.

time took this pain away,

to you, from me,

spending a lifetime to feel okay.

only life feels this way,

without words,

or hate.

summoned by denial,

replaced by a tree with initials,

sun dials drying in the wind,

seeking a midnight sin,

are your arms made of love?

or do they spin constantly,

like a slow-growing currency?

to find your eyes,
among the aisles,
pulling out my inner child.
playing just to know your name,
the clock hand starts to stay the same,
loving while i'm living lost,
remembering the things i tossed,
i hope these things, it doesn't cost.

i'll be fine when it rains,

where im comfortably numb,

not believably drunk.

im without thrill in my stomach,

im not made of too much,

my twenties were rushed.

hurrying to the same horizon.

of all the things that ever hurt,
loving you was always worse.

i guess where you go,

is not where i'll be,

i'll collect the dead leaves,

where we once were,

so you'll be where i was.

too hard to hold,

too ill to let go,

my demons breathe anomalies,

that carry me from home.

a winter walked all by myself,
broken promise to myself,
painful words i couldn't tell,
wrote them down, now wish me well.
climbed on top a shooting star,
never wondered where you are,
I know the time and place you'll wait,
maybe i'll be there someday.

i paint these streets,

colorblind, bleeding red,

thoughts of drug dealers,

feeling alone.

i grip a white sun with orange hands,

further from you and who i am.

a broken heart is nothing new,
there's weeds to grow,
and things to do.
we make up words,
to make them true,
but not the kind to hold on to.
So let it go,
and time will pass,
the questions, easier to ask.
and when you do,
what will you say?

"I lived to love another day"

better days,

where i don't tear myself apart.

better ways to find a heart.

bodies drop, a million ways.

find a love within their sway.

im sinking slow,

i confide in a mattress,

with a drink and my soul.

i feel far from your heart,

can't commit to be heartless.

every sun is your sun,

every star was once ours,

now neither appear,

i'll never know who you are.

the books never read,
all alone on a shelf.
your thoughts on my wall,
words i never could tell.
my bed was unmade,
while i enjoyed the floor,
all the love that you had,
muted knocks on my door.
every screen remained black,
like a story cut short,
scented shirts in my closet,
from a soul i adored.
every night spent in illness,
by the morning was cured.

i don't know what true love is,
until it's too late,
i fed you the words,
i knew that you ate.
but god fed me lies,
of a hidden mistake,
love is not mine,
or mine to create.

arms cut to ribbons,

my soul kissed the ceiling,

the sun reappears,

without any feeling,

i'm closest to gone without leaving.

am i manipulative,

or pieces of alcoholism,

of bottles and losing lovers,

leaving loved ones on a whim,

winning in whirlwinds of loss,

dreams of stability and sure,

but your eyes are where I'm lured,

leaving you on a whim,

cold and cautious and scared.

you came back,
i had a drink,
for every second you were gone,
it kept time from being long.
forgot to ask what flight you're on.
but little did you know,
my love for self i slowly lost.

i once saw things that weren't there,
but so apparent to you.
laid my belly on cool ground,
while ignoring the view.
a bruise was a bruise,
didn't care how it formed,
i laid listlessly in tact,
while my floor was destroyed.
i kept calm when i wasn't,
saved my voice for closed walls,
i walked miles through my thoughts,
without walking at all.
i wrote words with such meaning,
with my meaningless drink.
the higher the number,
the deeper i sank.
carved regrets in my arm,
that i once couldn't say,
turned my days to bad nights,
just to keep things the same.
i drove drunk late at night,
just to feel like a ghost.
never felt so alone,
as i crawled my way home.

though you hate the date,

i repeat the way i was every day,

even if i haven't changed much,

i still remember the love,

no matter what you think it was.

i was, and am, lost,

trading time for its cost,

a constant replay, i should move on.

at the bottom,
I felt everything,
but I didn't get far.
my worried friend's faces,
kept me drunk without cars.
shoved my shoulders from bars.
let me look at the stars.

yes, they love who you are.
they picked lies from your eyes,
saw the times that you tried,
knew that somewhere you cried,
said it's fine when its not.
to show fear without fight,
ways you coped with the night.
how you fed yourself lies,
how the darkness felt better,
when your day wasn't bright.

and at times you felt love,
when it wasn't alright.

soft suns sail across,

a red star-crossed sky,

and some night,

i won't know what it is.

souls shine, no less beautiful,

then those lights lost in their height,

came to me in tiny dreams,

the kind that try to let me breathe,

when the morning comes,

i wont know what they mean.

i could love a million things,

but not a single one would love me.

that's the maker's mark,

it's meant to be,

if only sober men could repeat the sea.

but surely that man isnt me.

goodnight to every breath that i took,

after begging to be where you stood

all the drinks i drank in the day time

all the pain too scared to be loud

the pain i put you through

i somehow allowed.

swallowed pride never hides

everything's in our eyes,

swearing i loved yours at one time.

but your flawless facade

masked your private despair.

my heart is yours,

while you don't reappear,

losing all that time in your hair,

but you don't reappear.

I'm all yours,

but my heart's out to lunch,

choosing every thing you would love,

but you still don't appear,

so my heart is all yours.

that i'm here,

shoehorned into stars,

giving up on my arms,

selling sins to my heart.

im a myth to my friends,

living fiend in the end,

I'm a mess without them,

but i will stay.

and my friend said,
'why do you have body spray?
who are you trying to impress?'

and i replied,
'Everyone but myself.'

2013 -

(frozen ice,
infected windows.
silent room,
the swollen snow)

2014 -

(your parent's house,
a subtle stay,
the carpet shuffled,
crooned your name.
joked a broken leg,
to stay with you,
i left in love,
that wasn't true)

2016  -

(you threw my gifts,
the parking lot,
i gave my all,
and then i lost)

2019 -

(I took a sip,
to loosen up.
forgot my shift,
to nurse my cuts.
your knocks upon,
my lonely door,
i opened up,
your face adored)

1999 -

(my feet found floor,
my parent's room,
i walked in song,
my mind in tune)

1993 -

(your shadowed face,
i can't replace,
such words I meant,
but couldn't say.
i wish you'd stayed,
i wondered things,
your absent ghost,
i never faced)

and so that rainy day deserves a star,
a wonder not unlike an ark,
a leading light within the dark,
to show what was and surely ours,
a tiny light,
within our broken heart.

if your life was a montage,

would you stare, would you starve?

would you care or move on?

fall in love with a man who can stop

fall in love with a man who can stop

fall in love with someone,

if they stop.

realizing im too drunk to cry,

i might be too foolish to die.

thirty times, beg you by my side,

then you took your own life.

gave yourself a clean getaway.

when you left,

you were:

the sock in my drawers,

the bed on my face,

the moon hung at night,

the end of my life.

the seconds and minutes and hours and days.
all the weeks and the months when the years felt like days.

and the nights all alone.

the substances used,

the cold life i accrued,

only time let me get over you.

every hill on my back,

but i won't forget who.

alcoholic,
workaholic,
skipped a holi-
day that i buried.
addiction i've married.
tarried too long,
blessed and i'm strong,
biased and long,
foolish at heart.
been buried alot.

i reappear from my illness,

with small hope and no home,

just four walls and a bed of my own,

motherless, with an inch left of soul.

my eyes are recovering gray,

miles away from the dark,

where i stood almost all of my life,

only time could replace this heart.

i am grateful for the days i can count,

forgive me for the ones that i can't,

but still, if you stood next to me,

i would still reach for your hand.

pushed daisies,
in front of your eyes,
frivolous lies,
contemptable tries,
egregiously tied,
spliced, you decide.
timid but true,
commendable blur,
technical spur,
an admirable burn.
turnips in bloom,
loving me too,
talkative truth,
a drunkard abused.
used to a life,
like a child had made,
turned, broken glass,
found a peace in the shade.
no, i'm afraid,
your heart, not my goal,
just worshipped the lies,
i always was told.

mind on fire,

empty stomachs realize,

you aren't much of a man,

without a stable pair of eyes.

fall in love with the moon,

wake up shaking in the sun,

no one there, nothing won.

are you crazy enough to do it again?

You took my stupid, broken heart,
always Yours right from the start,
its not Your job to catch my fall,
yet You sweep me up when im apart.
dont know where all our love began,
we locked our eyes, i could have ran,
im so confused but still i stand.
i cannot be, You said i can.
break my heart or call it even,
pull me back when i am leaving.
willingly, im Yours for keeping.

walls can hold the stars,

if you stay there long enough.

in the corner there's a sun,

and another has a moon.

when you put them all together,

all you have is just a room.

don't let me down,
if you did, i'd be fine.
for the seconds and minutes,
i felt you were mine.
if you're here, come tomorrow,
i will pray we're alright.
you will stay in my thoughts,
for the rest of my life.

i was the captain of my two feet,

since around the age of three,

when i used to let things love me,

not knowing what time could bring.

familiar with bar stools since age nine,

breakfast on windowed daylight,

only once, maybe twice,

i had cried under that roof of my life.

oh, and my teens, became mean,

but at no one but me,

i held firm,

without knowing how to stand,

against those things in my brain.

tonight belongs to me,

a slow reminder just to breathe,

a giant step to feeling free.

i'll mourn the day your love will cease,

but soon i'll be a better me,

like green upon a growing tree,

i'll love the day our shoulders lean.

when life is on the great retreat,

it's you who stays and i that leaves.

when time is still, our eyes will meet,

so i can be a part of thee,

if love is lost, then sing to me.

mourning in silence,

an empty room hears the sighs,

the popping bottles and crying,

a fully accepted way to die.

how many words,

can express what occurred,

i still think of every thing i heard,

they aren't mine, but i learned,

every thing i could burn,

never was mine or yours.

hold close to those you love,

in stead of loss, remember it,

the things you'll do, the way you did,

be grateful to remember it.

these words, couldn't show you,
though love has been so true,
i couldn't love back,
every year, i was trying,
your body was dying,
but slowly your soul,
inching closer to mine.
couldn't hold it, i stared,
then i sat and i cried.
all good things that were true,
i convinced them to lie.