is not a drug,

but a dream kept afar,

i can't hold it with hands,

but i love when it's near.

to all the feelings I ever hurt,
to your help from which I turned,
to the pain I probably earned,
a lesson rots,
your side untaught,
so much unlearned:

i'm sorry.

forever words,
i don't deserve.

seagreen in percussion,

ant hills in heels,

inhaling all thoughts.

if I could catch the wordless clouds,

falling from your mouth,

God forbid i break your heart.

but what about addiction,

does it void my fear and insecurities,

the way I came from nothing,

when there's nothing left to leave?

i still picture my heart,

in an always interrupted parking lot,

where we both feared getting shot.

O', if i could spare you the beak,

the constant calls, you to me,

a bird swallow, i shall be,

my soul furthest from free.

i made a home in words,
made the twists and turns,
without a single soul to see,
to sit there silently and learn.

im writing to a wall,
with confidence so proudly tall,
but to opinions, will it always fall.

then maybe i won't sleep at all.

why does the world feel alone,

when you read what i say,

then you leave me alone?

what fried soul can atone?

this millennial foe,

such a strange thing to know,

when a fool feels alone.

i'm afeared of a thing i can't see,

naught in this circus can be held;

dissolving in the dizziness of you,

whatever ache my brain abides,

the foolish heart has conquered life.

find consolation in such broken eyes,

like another sea of disrepair,

in a moment it's gone,

in the morning it's there.

two dark, perfected circles,

slide around the window of souls.

i used to love my room,
i used to love my brother,
and once abused by my own mother,
i held it in, i'm just another:
man of mental illness,
man of mucho illness,
hispanic boy that They left.
i drank so that i felt less,
i kept all things in my chest.
you knew me once at my best.
i broke you, now you know the rest.

God, i hope i passed the test.

poked full of holes,

like a sun set in clouds,

sidewalk shop signs say:

Sobriety Not Allowed;

besides myself in a park bench,

i walk through a door,

then it looks like a train,

and it melts into rehab,

but i'm staring at a sink,

where i'm draining away,

loved ones calling names,

but i can't remember the day.

your eyes were a riverbed,
my hands like a branch.
my voice was a hummingbird,
thoughts in quicksand.
the waves carried everything,
moved by the moon,
there's a light in my hand,
and it glows in this room.

i found you in fire,
you found me without.
i sat in my embers,
and never to be.
you opened your arms,
and gave me a flame.
my worth was the sand,
you gave me a name.
i took apprehension,
you lived in it too.
i feared all the meanings,
you saw me, a fool.
my time was a question,
your eyes signaled truth.
i sat so uninterested,
suffering you.

fast as a flicker in flame,
illusive as a quarter in sea,
tense as a hand at throat,
dreadful like anxiety.

your hair in wind,
the quiet friend,
our broken trends,
we sat on steps,
with book ends.

i was just as scared as you,
ready, willing, played the fool,
i loved you too,
i said it first,
i swear it's true.
but where were you.

all those words,
on facebook,
that don't matter anymore.
it's actually kind of funny now,
not to fall for the eye,
and forgetting the storm.

I glide through green lights,

obliterating double lines,

hoping i can still see the great divine,

dishonored by three bottles of red wine.

but i still remember crying at the station,

calling you from my driver's side,

bruised, cut and unkind,

begging you to stay in my life.

your soul so soft,
as i thought of you often,
i lost you,
i left as you turned and coughed, then,
tore me apart within,
the seconds you left in,
days i spent holding up your chin.
maybe the cause of my sorrow,
the old excuse. refused to borrow.
as time goes on, an old truth,
becomes lie.
who am i.
but a person you loved,
in a passionless time.

your face in that country,
it still remains lovely.
the love that it broke,
once left me with nothing.
and know I've loved angels,
but nothing as true,
all the life that i gave them,
was once all for you.

you put me to sleep,
wrapped in last words and lies.
kept your cowardice from my eyes.
then i woke up alone,
you had torn me apart,
kept my throat from its scream,
felt too numb for a meaning.

i put you to sleep,
trembling hands held you close,
i loved what loved me,
but you loved me the most.

i belong in the covers,

friends won't see me yet,

im unwell adjacent,

some code adjacent,

break me from here.

i belong to each other,

im broken and lost.

swallow scabs and begin again.

don't let them get me,

im forever a place for them.

they dont love me at all,
it's no wonder why so,
and the less i get back,
means the less that i show.
it's been said many times,
many ways from our throats:
its the love that we lost,
that we passionately hold.
and we shuffle through seasons,
then suffer the cold.
we live 25 years feeling 40 years old,
built on longing and pain,
and the lies that we're told.
but this rant has gone on,
and my passion will fold.
but don't pity me
comfort me,
leave me alone.
cause the person i've been,
are the faults of my own.

wishing every day was a weekend,

dotting my life in that eternal night,

wanting sleep when my soul is full,

emptied when the morning's old.

shy girl, scratching her arms,
shuffling streets simply,
since she sees things,
somber, sadly split sections,
upon her invisible chest.
upset at something longed to lose,
a lifting wind upon her,
surely signaling, final call,
to give up demons for it all.

waste me away,
i'm away when you think,
i can't stay when i drink,
i see shadows and freak,
out when love is too deep,
i black out just to sleep,
but my soul you can keep.
both my parents, they weep,
haven't called in six weeks.
but im gone when i drink,
i love you when i drink,
not myself when i drink,
where's my life when i drink,
where's my heart when i drink,
i'm so sorry i drink.

if i held your heart,

i surely would not know,

too busy turning off faucets,

of the great unknown.

if i was the bird who sings,

like a fool next to your home,

i would surely fly south,

of your soul, i would not know.

nothing,

i'm fine,

i don't know,

i don't feel good,

i need to go,

i'm sorry,

i can't,

i need help.

your wick struck through my core,
a small flame you adore.
but what of myself,
do I live without choice?
as i suffer in silence,
while the fire makes your noise.

i shouldn't have said a word to you,
my eyes are blurry,
married you,
instrusive to reality.
i made you mine like others do.
you werent mine.
im loving you in seconds,
that i cant prove.
you pull away like the sky is blue
bleeding red like an open wound.
i love you like a broken youth.

all these words on my skin,

like they mean a **** thing,

nothing changed;

you're still that thing in your skin.

you're the fire,

I'm alarmed,

i have lovers and friends,

written, cut in my arms,

all i wanted was biological matter,

all i got was a painful disorder.

what was I,

but a ditch in the ground,

wanting you to come around,

singing like a drunken clown.

what was I,

but a son that had drowned,

wishing you could keep me grounded.

what was I,

but the star in your eyes,

kept in dark,

while i stared,

as you passed me by.

i hover above,
the grave I have dug,
remorsefully of,
a pain so undone.
too afraid of myself,
just a cry without love.
and the family I loved,
my mind carefully shunned.
while i lie on the ground,
they all cry for a son.

i'll be in the corners,

leading lines to a fire,

like a fool without you.

only you could be water,

but what do i know about you.

i sought simple solutions simply to stutter my stage, suddenly and secretly, suspiciously suspect the sinful songs that substitute my sadness,

but I am.

serenading the sorry sorrows sneaking in my mind.

wouldn't know what to say,

or how to behave;

like a chicken with no head,

like a night without stars,

if i jumped like a dog,

would you tell me how far?

candy-caned straws,

carry me down a nightly drawl,

where i can draw you with sleight,

i forget you by sun.

where drinkers can sin to forget,

then forget the sin.

when the crazy can write,

without a single eye to spy,

this lonely island of mine,

where many have crossed or died.

dont remember your voice,
dont remember your face,
the degree of your breath,
or the heart that i chased.
what once caused me pain,
my mind cant create.
i stayed for too long,
that much i can make.
no comfort in loss,
of what i forgot,
i guess time made its lesson,
my heart was well-taught.

buried beneath a drunken pond,

a mountain full of things i lost,

holding fire for too long.

i loved you once,
but never lost.
learned to live oblivious,
pushed away, forgot the cost.
the beauty in my life i tossed.
living lifeless,
fed on loss.
simple, lonely,
albatross.

i am barren,

i am further from you,

i am unhappy,

i am.

sorry that i let you down,
falling, getting drunk in crowds,
turning bottle caps to crowns.
i wish you'd stay, and stick around.

i can't let you go,

you're more home than a ***** room.

i stomach you more than my fears,

feeling like my friends are still here,

but when i wake, they don't reappear.

you're my anxiety in the morning,

and my depression at night,

you're my hero when it's too late.

I love you,

even though you're just a thing.

but you took all i loved,

then you made it okay.

without you for two days,

still, i tip my head without shame,

nightly, draining life from a drink,

the steaming distillery lies in bed.

all i write is for you;

not for millions, but the few,

from safe shelter,

for your eyes,

sprinkled time while i grew.


all i needed was you,

nothing more, no one else,

once a lover, then a lout,

hugging corners of fire,

and calling it "hell".