words are not cages for demons.

all the pain you don't write,

is the reason you do.

the real help in your room is you.

i could never be alone,

but that's why i'm so terrified.

spiraling self-doubt under skylight.

to remember your face,

under every star my eyes could count.

i could never be alone,

but i changed when my mom died.

i can't handle the dark,

i can't inhale the air.

i can't take this place anymore.

but morbid curiosity keeps me livin',

and i've absorbed so much pain,

i've swallowed what terrifies me.

but i could never do it twice.

curved eyes,
so constant.
constraining sadness,
i abide.
lift her chin,
a closet mist.
patrons pardon while she's his,
tangled torture met his sin.
belly met with gentle hands,
lower, where he met his kin,
questioned as to leave them in.
starved, an aftermath begins.
his soul brought forth,
his whole life within.

i can never say sorry,

or see your soul trembling,

dying not to meet my eyes.

no goodbyes on another side,

without closure after all the time.

when i recover,
and if you are found,
apology mouth,
to return all my sound.
the cries, never made,
as they kneel at your face,
marking a promise,
to finally stay.

too troubled to be left alone,

too drunk to walk back home,

crossing your mind,

every once in a blue moon.

or maybe not at all,

not this empty room,

smiling left and right like a fool,

every single moon,

foolishly think of you,

pushing more into the ground,

forgetting and keeping me around.

where lies the promise of love,

where do i abide,

another part of it that held,

where can I become another,

lie, obliged to just another time,

in which I was another time.

suicidal,
not afraid to say the name,
whatever takes the pain away,
my friends will always say the same:
'you're fine, get help, you're not okay',
this drink means more,
than being brave.
'I'll stop', I'm saying every day.
whatever takes the pain away.

the amount of times i cried,

and you could not hold me.

the amount of times i cried,

and could not hold myself.

the amount of times i cried,

and could not hold myself together.

the amount of times i cried,

and could not hold you.

a devil on shoulders,
careless and older,
infamously colder,
than ice on a boulder.
and so, i'm ashamed,
the things i can't say,
but when they are spoken,
they're given a name.

gripped face,
wet hands,
sun breaks,
you stand.

falling down again.

you loved while you lost,
you laughed and you smiled,
while under a knife,
too drunk just to drive,
you fought 'one more time's.
the bottom is there,
but wind in your hair,
you're falling but honest,
your words they still hear.
your breath is a blessing,
and beautifully here.
you're broken but bound,
always carried by sound,
your loved ones are proud,
that you're still around.

stars aligned,
two broken plates,
i fell in love with every shade,
covered in redundant white,
i held each piece,
and pledged my life.

addicted to the darkest night,
cured my soul with selfish lies,
breathing for a burst of time,
burning till the day i die.

wouldn't trade all this fire,
for a second of breath.
all the heart in my words,
will outlive my own death.

trauma unprocessed all my life,

undiscovered until twenty-nine,

writing strangers, they don't mind.

losing loved ones that aren't mine,

lying was my first mistake,

trying,

fail abysmally.

slip apart, the years will fall,

my mind then said,

there's happiness in alcohol.

lies divide the love from my life,

but i can't hide my mind anymore,

leaving tangled sheets behind a door,

but i can't adore what i have left.

without alcohol on my breath.

where you can't reach me,

empty werewolves come to eat me,

drinking where i should be breathing,

darkness, where you cannot reach me.

making mistakes a second time,

could I still see your life,

in the palm of some hands,

would it appear, silver plates?

or some love you acquired,

within cheaters and liars..?

did you know, i admire,

all the ways you aren't here,

or the ways i admire,

what once represents,

all the ways you're desired.

the crunch of a newborn day.
the sound of you having your way.
the quiet of past gone away.
blackest nights,
while i wished you would stay.
icy fog while i drove into work.
christmas lights,
and discovering your worth.
not again,
as you said in cupped mouth.
truest feelings,
frozen cold,
and left out.

trapped in the lines,
the adjectives kind,
please paint me more time,
not a fan of the earth,
but i live for its crime.
kept simple and secret,
and lives on regret,
they're threading my steps,
made a beeline to death.
the truth in our breaths.
simply mournful and sorrow,
i pray for tomorrow,
your carried love,
revealed it was borrowed.
i know im alright,
but i lay down the blue,
just to give you a fright.

none know where it came,

and none will know that it left,

twenty-eight year old fire,

will blow its last amount of life.

it will bellow and cry,

craving shadows to fight,

finds nothing more than a starry sky.

shocked that stars still exist,

in such a mental abyss,

it will chase the things it missed.

my thumb extended to a goddless sky,

while i smile to let go,

of such things that aren't mine,

but that once made me my home.

my heart, as it's spent,

will remain in a jar,

to preserve what it was,

but it's distance was far.

a blue sky at it's end,

becomes beautiful within,

quietly calloused, cautiously kept,

raining only for friends.

O', if i could spare you the beak,

the constant calls, you to me,

a bird swallow, i shall be,

my soul furthest from free.

break my heart,

before i break yours first.

i can live without you,

but not after all the words.

endorphins rush to my head,

I'd rather think of you instead,

quiet nights, holding your hand,

but it's now, and im full of bleach,

nothing absent time couldn't teach.

wet pavement,
***** green towers,
from green lights,
an alternative universe,
spread across the man-made.
all the tiny, sorted puddles,
blinking at the stars,
a sort of quiet protest,
promise nothing,
offer everything.

if the sky falls,

I'll watch the clouds fall with you.

see what the sun turns into,

wait for the moon to rise too.

but no season could sever me,

no winter would tear me from you,

i know not who you are,

but my child to come too soon.

if I could catch the wordless clouds,

falling from your mouth,

God forbid i break your heart.

but what about addiction,

does it void my fear and insecurities,

the way I came from nothing,

when there's nothing left to leave?

i still picture my heart,

in an always interrupted parking lot,

where we both feared getting shot.

how long can an ocean be,

or a sky seen by eyes;

every second spent alive.

lonely as the bottom of yours,

but what you read was never hers.

she lives beyond broken eyelids,

promised truth.

i outlive my sordid use.

second chances live in trees,

while the woodcut slowly becomes me

so send me flowers when I'm away,
a day with you, a perfect stay.
the simple laugh, and all the play,
remember all the things i meant to say:
Love the soul and disarray,
see the sun and then the shade,
i'm all types of not okay,
learn to love all of this grey.

is not a drug,

but a dream kept afar,

i can't hold it with hands,

but i love when it's near.

my mind is on fire,
my soul such a liar,
both dress up my hopes,
indifferent attire,
the eyelids wide open,
my pupils are cold,
a scent of scorched dreams,
slowly drenching my nose.
I'm a world where its yes,
And all yesses mean no.
but the no's share a secret,
that nobody knows.
and my loved ones are helpless,
like a picture in frame,
for they all say the same **** thing:

'I'm sorry,

so sorry,

that you're terribly insane'.

i asked why it was so hard,
to find the bottom before the start,
to weather clouds before they part,
the blackest night behind the stars.
i followed paths with all my heart,
just to recreate the same old scars.

i belong in the covers,

friends won't see me yet,

im unwell adjacent,

some code adjacent,

break me from here.

i belong to each other,

im broken and lost.

swallow scabs and begin again.

don't let them get me,

im forever a place for them.

we all have that thought,
of the person we're not,
so socially taught,
to not leave what you caught.

but it all disappears,
when you build up the care,
as you look in their eyes,
and you feel all their fear.

so i'm holding my breath,
because time is a test,
and I'm used to the ruse,
losing face isnt new.

but if love was a lie,
then you could be true,
but knowing myself,
i could fall for you too.

your blood was my own,
excluding your hair.
a simple exchange,
of our words, subtle care.
i feel far apart,
in my room i remain,
remembering memories,
writing in shame.
your rock on my back,
on a mountain to climb.
missing the company,
washed from our lives.

seagreen in percussion,

ant hills in heels,

inhaling all thoughts.

before i sleep,
i hope you're there.
sing the feelings disappeared.
sobered up to face my fears.
loving you,
will always scare.

sometimes im not scared of the drop,
most days it's all that i want.
i swear i dont want,
to tear you apart,
but it's all that i've felt,
so why should it stop?

i love all our smiles,
when we think the same thing.
keeping tradition,
and staying the same.
leaving our loved ones,
to feel a bit sane.
you're the flower in bloom,
and my soul is the rain.

poked full of holes,

like a sun set in clouds,

sidewalk shop signs say:

Sobriety Not Allowed;

besides myself in a park bench,

i walk through a door,

then it looks like a train,

and it melts into rehab,

but i'm staring at a sink,

where i'm draining away,

loved ones calling names,

but i can't remember the day.

drunk driving

broken furniture

bad relationships

friends i really miss.

knives in my arms

and my face.

more importantly the things i dont say

the way i drink

deteriorating my brain

i wish i still wanted to stay.

i'm afeared of a thing i can't see,

naught in this circus can be held;

dissolving in the dizziness of you,

whatever ache my brain abides,

the foolish heart has conquered life.

to all the feelings I ever hurt,
to your help from which I turned,
to the pain I probably earned,
a lesson rots,
your side untaught,
so much unlearned:

i'm sorry.

forever words,
i don't deserve.

melatonin on my breath,

worming through weaknesses,

thinking, holding onto my knees.

turning thoughts into breathing;

alcohol on my breath,

shaking through shifts,

seamlessly drinking under stars.

glass bottles clip my top two teeth.

carried to the roof,
night skies showing proof,
i loved you, always loving you.
your loving hand I couldn't use.
an offer that i refused.
my drinking, nothing,
nothing new.
forged a feeling to feel true.
falling forward into you,
was all I ever meant to do.
meet me underneath the moon.
there I lie,
and lack the truth.

i thought i wouldn't make the night.
all the times i loved before,
i turned into another lie.
and yes I'm drunk,
i'm dreaming in the daylight.
but i still can make my words rhyme.
i still can think of our time.
remember me in these lines.
and if i die, i hope you know,
i always tried.

i couldn't explain if i tried,

sometimes it's at fourteen,

or for a life time,

running out of places to hide.

when i said i was alright,

i was not,

every time.

tear in me, so terrifying,
tantalize then tranquilize,
terrible, too many lies,
tamed the truth,
the day i died.