charles: Poems

437 · Nov 2018

charles Nov 2018

a quiet illness,
fills silent air,
open doors closed in despair,
the anxious thought leaves life unfair,
but buried deep,
the strongest care.

425 · Apr 2022

jumper

charles Apr 2022

jumper

sometimes it still upsets me,

but I'm still set in my ways;

i still smile when i don't mean it,

i sigh when you aren't here,

i climb clouds when i can,

i reappear where you don't.

i feel completely alone.

425 · May 2022

trauma (empty conversations)

charles May 2022

trauma (empty conversations)

im sorry you [    ],

if i could [   ], I would [    ].

i swear I'll [    ],

I won't [   ] anymore.

Just [   ],

if you're [   ],

go to [    ].

I'm sorry, i  [     ].

423 · Mar 2022

give up

charles Mar 2022

give up

give up the settled plains,

love a broken mountain,

for as long as you can.

dive straight into broken hands.

love a mystery, with a promised hand.

a certain loss can make amends.

that kind of voice was made to lend.

making love or making friends?

we're all star-crossed and loveless,

but we still sing in the rain.

some times all i can be,

is all that keeps me sane.

422 · Jun 2021

restless moon syndrome

charles Jun 2021

restless moon syndrome

if i could bring you back to me,

I'd be the perfect fool,

to tear the night sky from you.

if my hurt became craters,

i would revive them for you.

when my eyes become oceans,

sudden suspects of truth,

i would lay down my life,

just to pull them from you.

when you're done,

and each night carries through,

i would pull on the reins

bringing light back to you.

419 · Oct 2018

six is a number

charles Oct 2018

six is a number

the first one's a treat,
i speak what i mean,
two gives me laughter,
i know what im after,
three gives me love,
im pure as a dove,
four is my edge,
it shows me a ledge.
five gives me trouble,
my edges are rough.
six is a number,
not nearly enough.

411 · Jul 2023

everything, from now on

charles Jul 2023

everything, from now on

i drink like a fish you can't catch,

while i try settling down,

covered in trees and out of town,

listening to seasons that aren't around.

i get sad at sea,

as long as its about me,

feeling nauseous and noisy,

I'm sure im just a mess to see,

i fall apart to pick me up,

i'll think of things i couldn't say,

i'll be my worst to feel enough.

408 · Nov 2018

rushed love

charles Nov 2018

rushed love

the words stuck in our throat,
like a suicide you cant commit to,
you pushed just as hard,
as the heart you pulled yourself through,
our wings failed the sun,
we found nothing,
but the ground to love.

maybe the rush was enough.

397 · Apr 2019

mine

charles Apr 2019

mine

my mind takes me,
like water in current,
so i grip your name,
to my soul, I will stir it.
lost to thoughts like maybe:
maybe large as a lake,
sometimes spread like the sea,
but your heart is my buoy,
and i call you, my baby.

393 · Dec 2019

little stars

charles Dec 2019

little stars

my birth won't compare to ours,
we drank, we saw enlightened stars,
i felt our souls,
our locking arms.

and now i don't know what you are.

392 · Jan 2022

deathwish

charles Jan 2022

deathwish

deadly in love,

and substance abused,

turning mirrors into loss,

every night turning into you.

written words to signal stars,

always dreaming your eyes.

390 · Jul 2021

twitterinstagramfacebook

charles Jul 2021

twitterinstagramfacebook

all our screens are on fire,

make our lives so much lighter,

if you're covered in gas,

would a flame make you brighter.

390 · Nov 2021

invisible palace

charles Nov 2021

invisible palace

close to being over you,

or drinking, not forgetting you,

or maybe just accepting you,

or things i used to do.

try to turn this palace,

into waiting rooms,

when drinking never got me through.

sleeping, I'm so terrified,

wake up lost inside a life,

i couldn't change, and losing mine.

i think about you all the time,

im trying not to, that's the point.

can't reclaim my heart as a boy,

but I still believe in a sun,

I'm slowly walking towards..

386 · Nov 2018

a demon in parentheses

charles Nov 2018

a demon in parentheses

i dont want to write my feelings,
behind the safety of a door,
(stay in here)
can i break down these walls,
hold the things i adore?
(they don't love you back)
Don't need to write you back in,
i should appreciate the space,
(come back to me)
and the friends i have left,
i'd rather talk to their face.
(three missed calls)
So let me put this bottle down,
out of luck or some divinity,
(just one more)
cause i don't want a tomorrow,
if i can't love what's in front of me.

(What's in front of me?)

381 · Apr 2019

like lights

charles Apr 2019

like lights

like lights,
living room.
held my chair,
when i would swoon.
soon sat back,
the simple moon,
could not express,
our heaven room.

375 · Dec 2021

north

charles Dec 2021

north

loss cannot **** me,

but i'll certainly change.

in love with myself,

is a dream i don't see.

but i'll keep heading north,

where a door could appear.

pray to god, see you there,

so i stay in this room,

replay all that I'll lose,

maybe it's a waste of time,

but it's better than a noose.

while i try to stay around,

just as long as there's room.

354 · Mar 2019

skyscraper

charles Mar 2019

skyscraper

i missed your call,
as I climbed up the stairs,
all the foot-tapped cement,
the noise hung in the air.
i clutched loosely a rail,
then pushed, boldly, the door.
i inhaled the cold wind,
and observed a brave world.
i inched close to an edge,
held my breath with the fear,

then i slipp-

A

a

a

as

i

fell

I

felt

sudden

regret.

353 · Jun 2019

hands

charles Jun 2019

hands

scared of my hands,
cause i know what they'll do:
they can strangle my soul,
or they can hold on to you.

352 · Aug 2022

drawn

charles Aug 2022

drawn

bright was your smile at midnight,

a U-shaped row of stars,

marring such a pretty waste of dark.

349 · Apr 2021

make believe

charles Apr 2021

make believe

crooked rainbowed in your life,

i wasn't simple or easy,

but i found you,

and for once, you didnt need me.

but you stayed because you could,

loving things my soul should.

348 · Mar 2022

the cosmos

charles Mar 2022

the cosmos

don't explain a single thing to me,

i want to find each surprise,

behind every closed door.

i don't care where it ends,

i'll just re-do where it begins.

343 · Jun 2023

loved ones

charles Jun 2023

loved ones

you can't hold them,

even when they need it,

they don't all cry for help,

even when it's needed.

342 · Nov 2019

true love dies

charles Nov 2019

true love dies

hold your hands to a fire,
that you can't pull from.
paint them red,
and call it love.

twist your neck in the cage,
where you once felt free.
as you float towards the moon,
you claw at the trees.

heaven hides,
but she's calling me.

341 · Oct 25

staying here

charles Oct 25

staying here

sunday snow,

incompleted,

i smell previous meals beneath it,

but I'm not complete,

an art that is flourished,

some words that unburden,

but forget the cost.

334 · Aug 2022

ever

charles Aug 2022

ever

these words,

eternally far from heard,

relentless in the way they hurt,

the love i lost was unassured,

i dug myself into the earth.

319 · May 2023

the great attempt

charles May 2023

the great attempt

glorified and held high,

unachievable and cool,

quietly slipping corners,

chalkboard screech across screens,

I'm losing,

I'm alone,

helpless, healing on my own.

319 · Mar 2019

sullen scenery

charles Mar 2019

sullen scenery

a couple cups of coffee,
a candle cooing in the corner,
carried candid cravings away.
creased the coarse corners of a book,
a kind of caffeinated carelessness,
where others haven't looked.
and so the moving heart, with misery,
resolves to have its day.

318 · Jan 2019

mental illness

charles Jan 2019

mental illness

I'm sorry for closed doors,
and the fear of your knocking.
I'm sorry for the sadness,
that was pushing you often.
I'm sorry for the promise,
that my mind couldn't offer.
I'm sorry for your time,
how I made it unwanted.
I'm sorry for the patience,
that was tested in vain.
I'm sorry for lying,
and hiding the pain.
I'm sorry I loved you,
without loving myself.
Im sorry I left you,
without asking for help.

310 · Feb 2022

alien

charles Feb 2022

alien

i only have eyes for the sky,

so bury me in the night,

broken where the clouds lie,

wondering how to change the time.

302 · Jun 2019

drink your life away

charles Jun 2019

drink your life away

i held your hands,
mine couldn't stop shaking.
careless but careful,
of the life they were taking.
drunk, missed appointments,
trips to my apartment,
opened my door,
i felt your disappointment.
i can't count all the times,
that i've wanted to stay.
almost just as much,
as I've wanted to go.

302 · Apr 2023

to be

charles Apr 2023

to be

we change for the people that we love,

even the unannounced, up above,

to carry spirits at heart,

in a burden weighed more than dirt.

to be loved after loss,

neither blessing nor curse,

only achieved through years of work.

i'm abandoned but competent,

uncontent in my trying,

and unfulfilled.

believe in my hands,

but never my ways,

carried on cardboard,

broken in concrete.

297 · Feb 2019

windowpanes

charles Feb 2019

windowpanes

picking up,
the fragile frames of,
my windowpane.
no patience placed in me,
i'll leave them on the ground,
to let them be.

so,
like the love I used to have for self,

I guess I'll just leave.

296 · Sep 2019

in vain (unfinished)

charles Sep 2019

in vain (unfinished)

i saw your worried face,
so full of things we couldn't say.
between my lines,
you find your name,
the perfect days,
don't stay the same.
i'm sorry,
took your love in vain.

295 · Sep 2021

myself

charles Sep 2021

myself

i keep buying fictional drinks,

to fix my dysfunctional brain,

without a single soul to help,

but i know too well, the bitter hell,

of caring about other opinions,

than the ones i can place on myself.

292 · Nov 2018

the color of orange

charles Nov 2018

the color of orange

the color of orange,
the meaning of harm,
i selflessly take,
the meaning it warns.
i'll take all the blame,
the blame is my own.
my arm is aggressed,
the tic, tac, and toe.
the X's remain,
i crossed all the O's.
revealed all the red,
and opened a home.

292 · May 2023

victory lap

charles May 2023

victory lap

seabound and sober,

stuck at the bottom,

through retching all the dizziness;

it was all to feel fine,

but i still wish i was fine.

290 · Jan 2019

earned

charles Jan 2019

earned

you were there,
who loved me first,
for all of me,
even my worst.
I let you down,
your back then turned,
I searched inside,
for lessons learned.

an empty room I slowly earned.

288 · Aug 2021

darker places

charles Aug 2021

darker places

what keeps a demon out?

is it a well lit room,

hellbent on lighting the night.

or a soul without either,

sinking in cement boots,

over and over,

until they realize the well lit room.

285 · May 2023

a good attempt

charles May 2023

a good attempt

when you Fall,

i'm the Jump,

hold on and let go,

you're better than none.

283 · Jul 2023

porcelain white

charles Jul 2023

porcelain white

porcelain,

when its all that i'll see,

from hospital to sea,

whether im dying or withering.

porcelain,

could be then, could be now,

depending on my birthday crown;

it used to be cake,

but it's a cup of pills now.

283 · Sep 2019

let you down

charles Sep 2019

let you down

i was Everything,
that I promised,
i would never be.

282 · Oct 2018

Happiness Spontaneous

charles Oct 2018

Happiness Spontaneous

like the feather in flight,
the whitest of lies,
a second in time,
a bell and its chime,
as quick as the word,
at the end of this rhyme,
the feeling of happiness,
sure takes its time.

281 · Aug 2023

my drinking

charles Aug 2023

my drinking

the further that my body falls,

the less i have to hold,

reliving each season,

burning shameless in my soul.

your shining love it once contained,

such things my mind could not abide;

i loved to throw my youth to flame,

affixed to drain my broken mind,

a better soul for you was meant,

but when i toss this thing aside,

i'll be left with nothing but my life.

277 · Mar 2022

you, in six lines

charles Mar 2022

you, in six lines

fill my car with smoke,

take my self-esteem,

turn me fifteen and green,

i wish you knew what I mean.

maybe it's me,

take my self-esteem.

265 · Jul 2019

9 o'clock (sundown)

charles Jul 2019

9 o'clock (sundown)

i hugged you in my work clothes,
kissed your cheek and said goodbye.
walking towards a door in noon,
my weightless tears in cornered eyes.
stepped inside our favorite room,
christmas lights, their flickered swoon.
i must have lost you twice a day,
your arms ignite the dying flame.

261 · Dec 2018

illuminated beauty

charles Dec 2018

illuminated beauty

O' beauty,
your portrait is filterless,
perilous gaze,
like a sun grazing fields.
like your dog, I'll heel,
and hold your image,
through illuminated screen.

257 · Jun 2019

whatever

charles Jun 2019

whatever

suicidal,
not afraid to say the name,
whatever takes the pain away,
my friends will always say the same:
'you're fine, get help, you're not okay',
this drink means more,
than being brave.
'I'll stop', I'm saying every day.
whatever takes the pain away.

256 · Aug 2019

have you seen her (?)

charles Aug 2019

have you seen her (?)

curved eyes,
so constant.
constraining sadness,
i abide.
lift her chin,
a closet mist.
patrons pardon while she's his,
tangled torture met his sin.
belly met with gentle hands,
lower, where he met his kin,
questioned as to leave them in.
starved, an aftermath begins.
his soul brought forth,
his whole life within.

256 · May 2019

when i

charles May 2019

when i

when i recover,
and if you are found,
apology mouth,
to return all my sound.
the cries, never made,
as they kneel at your face,
marking a promise,
to finally stay.

255 · Nov 2018

acrophobia

charles Nov 2018

acrophobia

too scared to climb down,
hanging on, i'm alive,
indecisive of direction,
fear of where i might arrive.