an illusive fox,
that knows no bounds.
its presence keeps me around.
upon a hill, he watched me drown,
and taught a meaning,
i have not yet caught.
but also made me laugh alot.
no better a friend,
i could have asked,
the words could bring shyness,
he's surely abashed.
maybe meaning exists,
beneath both of our masks.

1) a bookstore in May,

2) your apartment in Maine

3) an airport in spring

4) random chinese food place

5) my apartment (2nd floor)

where hate ain't between us,

and my soul stands still,

from a sad seat of rust.

where seas of time stand rough,

when skins aren't just weapons,

just to justify us.

i can't see you in moonlight,

but i'll catch you in the rain.

only spoken words can keep me sane.

bury me with spirits i betrayed

ill fall wherever your name is laid

every second that I breathe

i will chip my life away.

i will drink

i will smoke

holding words never spoke.

redemption, ascension always slow.

self harm like a mark on a stone,

im proficient in being alone,

loving walls like my life's on a reel,

but all that's real is already done.

the more that i drink,

the closer you're here,

the better i feel,

if i could be there.

the more that i drink,

the less that is there,

the better i feel,

i don't want to hear.

the more that i drink,

the less they will know,

the better i'll feel,

the less i am here.

the more that i drink,

the less i could care,

the more that i bear,

the less you are here,

but i'll try to be here.

turning seaweed to clouds,

twisting a lifetime around,

in love, entangled;

arrested, depressed and,

interested in resting,

he's restless and friendless,

and less than his friends, when,

the nights be, come endless.

you wiped all my tears,
and made them your own,
my face in your hands,
no greater a home.
but now that you're gone,
i face it alone.
your side of the sea,
you're safer in rome.

kissed a thousand pretty sunsets,

just to float to the ground.

my heart's not the same,

when your voice isn't around.

now i can't recall it's sound,

you could appear like a magician,

on these apartment steps i adore,

cause your feet touched their floor.

but now im collapsing on mine,

like confetti to a blind.

maybe the moon will catch my eye.

going off on my phone,

never feeling so alone,

do all stars replicate a home,

singing out on the Square,

while you cried in my ears,

the ones we bought years before,

hanging onto my room,

i could have left you there,

with that nostalgic air,

of someone playing with my hair.

but i was too daring,

rushing into feelings i fear.

just to see some souls,

see me wasted and not care.

down goes the world,
the only kind you ever knew,
skies felt grey,
in the truest of blue.
your mind was lost,
you dimmed all your fire,
you held to each thought,
as each one felt much lighter.
all things have collapsed,
your breath of relief,
the sky was now broken,
your words now unspoken.

i miss the nights

the moon was bright

enough to light your face.

where stars would fail

to compete with your eyes.

but it was comforting

to watch them try.

watch it rise to your nose,
feelings tossed in your sea,
do you have self-control,
as you come after me?
will you tear me apart,
am i flesh you can use?
damaged goods in her eyes,
i can handle abuse.
kept your teeth on my lips,
with your black opened eyes,
i will keep mine both shut,
while i feel my blood rise.

color me in,

leave me there,

let my conscious bloom,

and when you're around,

i promise to smile at you.

the leaves fall like i did for you,
let them float back,
to their broken branch.
turn this grey sky blue,
warm the deathly cold air,
crash the sun,
through these winter clouds.
keep the bottle full,
seal unbroken,
my soul has spoken.
**** the dizziness from my head,
let all lost things be found anew,
all the love that life stole, too.
beard hair shrunk back in my skin,
feeble nerves unshakened in wind,
kindle fires i left dim.
bring back my broken kin,
turn my eyes from tempestous skin.
erase the scars on my arms,
i meant them no harm,
in their repetition lies the real sorrow.
take me back,
before i know who you are.
escape through adolescent exit signs,
maybe then i can finally restart.

some kind of catch,
conceived the apathy,
right decisions run from me,
demons play my mind,
like symphonies.
but I kind of like the company.

like a dream,

you appeared, you weren't there,

you set fire to my brain,

for years you were just living here,

loving nothing but exit stairs.

the many moons,
you failed to see with me,
the suns, their rises,
compromise a single second with you.
the drunken nights,
we spent so bright,
blending in undying time.
your hair and wind,
ending in a rhythmic sin,
that never meant to end.

but it did.

awkwardly repellant,

of anything nourishing,

loving nothing but a cracked spine.

living useless unless you're upset.

i spend year-long nights,

watching stars spin across my face,

searching someone to stand,

that pathetic place you used to stay.

you melted in the concrete,

while you held my concerned eyes,

rolling to find truth and lie.

your hands traversed the night,

wishing stranger hands,

held a better time.

i loved you when my sky had greyed

before our bodies laid

before my feelings had a say

when every word I say

attempt to take a step away

from things my family couldn't be

with what i painfully couldnt be:

a sober soul from noon to eve

i miss the things i leave

i want some things I couldn't see

but bring me morning

I dont know where to be.

my soul on a screen,

that no one will see.

all eyes towards the restless,

the fake apathy fiend.

let me say what they cant,

all the things they dont mean:

coldest winter,
wrapped in your clothing.
my arms are sore,
my eyes are wet.

each mile taken,
her smile beckons,
but i can never see her cry,
over losing me.

im sorry i shake,

i don't make sense,

constantly saying things,

that my soul can't say.

hoping time can change my way.

i will never look at you the same,

nothing about you makes me sane.

i lost so much to your name.

blankets of time snowing over

things you tried to tame.

i have written for years

but the one that cant hear

is in front of a mirror.

i lived years for the guilt,

manifesting all the things that I felt.

until i lived for goodbyes,

and a way to get lost.

im still a dreamer,

but don't be fooled;

i'm seeking every thing but you.

trailing off in atom bombs,

at night, ignite the things i lose,

fall back to what i used to love,

maybe some day it's you.

i loved you,
when that wind blew your hair.
i loved you,
when my thumb brushed your tears.
i loved you,
when i thought you didn't care.
i loved you,
when you weren't there.

searching for finality in words,

not a single one can soften a curse,

letters wont bring me back to her,

or the moments addicts bite for lures.

i pray each night I'm well deserved,

bury thoughts i cant cure,

life is neither left or right,

just a pin in time,

a lesson learned,

when nothing brings me back to her.

tear you apart,

to forget where i am,

seek myself and forget my sanity,

married ground, catching trees,

flickered wind in some leaves,

now i tore down your town,

and my heart is at ease.

on my mind at night,

i can't say words, but i might,

drag you down,

i still stay out of town.

maybe my life is foolish,

and im just cringing by the fire,

but i know I've told truth as a liar.

and no matter what color that,

just happens to change your hair,

maybe it reflects the days i regret,

i still wake and i still fret,

for you, truly im still left,

but sunsets still don't feel like they,

used to.

hallowed is the ground you stood.

where the broken sits and broods,

learning time,

and every thing they should;

still,

hallowed is the ground you stood.

10,000 words i wrote for me,

each one, a moment feeling free,

but still i suffer mentally,

sold my conscious for a lot of drink,

suffered daily, '19,

a year my mind will never leave,

but happy days, they strive to be,

i pray the drinks are temporary.

sober life is frightening,

hate my life,

a soul i can't carry,

instead i wrote these words,

so an angel could hear me.

i follow light that is lifeless,

texting cancer to my friends,

facetime a lover I've never met.

you got drunk on an app,

now you have kids,

but i'm in a room,

still learning how to live.

disconnected from my age,

falling further from my kind,

but in another universe,

the stars are aligned.

promises to stick around,

i won't ask a single thing,

I'll be there in my guilt,

with the tears that I've built,

i won't bother you then.

when there's trust, there is love,
but i lost all the above,
drowned you out like a bug,
now my heart,
never yours to disrupt

pulled close to uncomfortable,

but neglect the brain fanfare in quiet,

while i can't quite get over you;

survivor's guilt won't sell,

pretty apparitions keep you here,

until you see a white wall,

where a loved one was there.

your sun-dried absence,

thinly layered in daylight,

then tonight:

all the waterfalls call to arms,

alarming my life, and yours, and all,

but none of these words,

truly describe my loss.

a warmth in my throat,
i'm feeling alone.
i'd give you my all,
and all that i own.
I'd know if you loved me,
but know that i dont.
i chased all the feelings,
a trail so cold.

since I met you,

my feet haven't found the ground,

like gravity has a chance,

i still wonder if you'll keep me around.

why do you lie,
and then take up my time?
carry me back,
with your comfortable smile?
show me my worth,
walk away with a sigh?
still, i love all your flaws,
i'll remove your bad nights.

Christ-carrying whisper,
scared to come home.
tipsy under a cherry tree,
a day's dying glow.

i found you in dust,
your face, like first love,
my favorite picture,
no need to adjust.
you're better than fear,
and you're all that i want,
i won't let you go,
you are all that i sought.

this sugar-coated knife in my heart:

only night reveals my worth,

always wanting her,

waning war on the hurt.

nightmares with no control,

heavy weight on my soul,

I'll be fine, while my body

only does what its told.

what hurts most,

i might never know.