i turned off the lights in my head,

if i could say sorry,

or bear to see your eyes again

I'd still curl like a coward

never knowing where you went

no matter how many hours spent

i still find comfort in sin

i dont know why

or where i went.

i only hope i see him again.

when i never drink again

drunk driving

broken furniture

bad relationships

friends i really miss.

knives in my arms

and my face.

more importantly the things i dont say

the way i drink

deteriorating my brain

i wish i still wanted to stay.

if i could bring you back to me,

I'd be the perfect fool,

to tear the night sky from you.

if my hurt became craters,

i would revive them for you.

when my eyes become oceans,

sudden suspects of truth,

i would lay down my life,

just to pull them from you.

when you're done,

and each night carries through,

i would pull on the reins

bringing light back to you.

too drunk to drive and so are you.

i drive us home

think it's the right thing to do

on that night i make a move.

your face felt so confused.

foreshadowing six months with you,

my stupid self thought i knew you,

then i found out i could cheat on you.

nothing short of what you're used to.

i still walk by the bench,

where i explained myself to you.

now I drink myself to death,

trying to find the truth.

salud

some nights,

i wish i wrapped around that tree

cutting lines against my life

just so strangers later could see.

a silent addict without hope.

maybe you're still scared of germs,

and movies, still, your nightly mantra,

may be you still smoke ****

with friends that removed me.

maybe love was the enemy

my life might change at twenty three

but i threw away my family

remembering the fireworks

against the front yard tree.

but my soul says whatever

whatever happens,

wherever you went,

i guess it's a part of me.

goodnight to every breath that i took,

after begging to be where you stood

all the drinks i drank in the day time

all the pain too scared to be loud

the pain i put you through

i somehow allowed.

swallowed pride never hides

everything's in our eyes,

swearing i loved yours at one time.

but your flawless facade

masked your private despair.

bury me with spirits i betrayed

ill fall wherever your name is laid

every second that I breathe

i will chip my life away.

i will drink

i will smoke

holding words never spoke.

redemption, ascension always slow.

self harm like a mark on a stone,

im proficient in being alone,

loving walls like my life's on a reel,

but all that's real is already done.

the fire made the mess,

but i still love you,

dont know why I miss you,

something missing from my soul.

is it addiction

or all those bottles on my floor

empty shells I adore

but our life always meant more.

im alone,

im a drunk,

something less,

than the one that you loved.

im a mess and much more,

I'm a son, was a friend,

im a stubborn door.

I loved more than myself,

but i still wanted more.

i am sorry and spent,

and my heart still pays rent,

but I'm moving without smiling,

slowly crawling to life.

but i dont know what I'd do,

if i ever saw your eyes.

if i could make you the glowing moon,

tying heart strings to a fool,

holding a thousand chances,

i'd still chain myself to loving you.

i loved you when my sky had greyed

before our bodies laid

before my feelings had a say

when every word I say

attempt to take a step away

from things my family couldn't be

with what i painfully couldnt be:

a sober soul from noon to eve

i miss the things i leave

i want some things I couldn't see

but bring me morning

I dont know where to be.

if the sky falls,

I'll watch the clouds fall with you.

see what the sun turns into,

wait for the moon to rise too.

but no season could sever me,

no winter would tear me from you,

i know not who you are,

but my child to come too soon.

the nights you would drink,

special seconds you spent sinking,

instead of dinner or simple truth;

never knowing i cant love you.

twenty-eight,

twice in love,

now only in love with twilight,

where I'm not your guy.

not a drink or your word,

could appease what i should,

screaming, scraped up walls,

said i did what I could.

words are not cages for demons.

all the pain you don't write,

is the reason you do.

the real help in your room is you.

maybe, let him stand by my side,

let him tear you from my mind,

**** me apathetic,

when i cant keep you from my sights.

maybe all that turns is a little time,

or turns my torment into lifetimes.

i still see you as a lifeline.

walls can hold the stars,

if you stay there long enough.

in the corner there's a sun,

and another has a moon.

when you put them all together,

all you have is just a room.

i can never say sorry,

or see your soul trembling,

dying not to meet my eyes.

no goodbyes on another side,

without closure after all the time.

i see love held tenderly,

my two parents on a couch.

all the souls i won't let in,

every soul i squeezed out.

and too many break downs.

a comfort i cant keep secret,

with a moonful regret,

a sun full of self bitterness.

an artist without entitlement.

locked in the grey eyes of cement.

write my life away,

knowing,

nothing could ever make you stay.

cold as steel, while life stays the same.

i'll move side to side,

but i still stay in my place;

waiting for yours,

or another new face.

your soul haunts my mountain,

though no height will replace you,

but i think that i loved you,

though i don't know if its true.

only as high as love let me be,

but I loved my bottled demons,

and no loss could change that feeling.

a scary thing in my side,

could be you,

could be all of my lies,

ive been walking through all my life.

is it my liver crying out,

trying to get out alive?

ill never know,

while the alcohol flows,

through a poor soul, it roams.

where my loved ones are there,

but my heart's always here,

and what stands in between,

is some simple self care.

but its never so simple,

with a life insecure.

but i loved you the way,

that would keep you right here.

it takes courage to turn words,

into something that may be unheard,

but i hope it gets you through a night,

gain a battle in a losing fight,

ring your soul to make it light.

stop a gun or knife upon your life.

i cant replace your face in clouds,

or burn the thoughts that i allow,

or **** a soul so loud.

like a cut i dont repair,

i hum to watch it stay and sear,

then drink and hope it reappears.

i could have left you there,

with that nostalgic air,

of someone playing with my hair.

but i was too daring,

rushing into feelings i fear.

just to see some souls,

see me wasted and not care.

crooked rainbowed in your life,

i wasn't simple or easy,

but i found you,

and for once, you didnt need me.

but you stayed because you could,

loving things my soul should.

tie me up and watch me float,

shoot me down when my soul wont.

loved you with my blank eyes,

paralyzed, twenty-seven,

i should have died.

i will drink you, black poison,

till you take me from me,

when my soul is not free.

and they won't know what it means.

sleepwalk in their dreams,

while im here, I'll still lean,

like a soul with no leash,

but they wont know what it means.

like a storm in reverse,

you're the best that I heard.

not the thunder and flash,

but the sound of your love,

like a tin-roof crash.

I'd trade my life for it to last,

so many times until it passed.

and it should pass.

but it should pass.

will it pass?

i flew into your life,

a painful soul on fire,

swallowing steam for your smile.

relief that only i desired.

i would have died in your eyes.

if i knew what to do with your life.

but im alright

though my future isnt bright.


I love you.

whatever you want,

so long as you spare me.

all the pain history taught me.

like a pilot without eyes,

i'll fly right by your side,

if you give me a room,

where i can lose myself at night.

my soul on a screen,

that no one will see.

all eyes towards the restless,

the fake apathy fiend.

let me say what they cant,

all the things they dont mean:

there is a place in such loneliness,

when your loss is your life.

trade your feelings for your wife.

feel the ground for some sky.

when a door is your weapon

with a life without friends.

with a life without warmth.

in a field of corn.

every lie that was sworn.

just to hide behind doors.

i won't plunge headfirst,

at the first sign of relief.

i won't love cause i'm lonely,

but i will when I'm sober.

i won't stare through your eyes,

out of fear from their light.

i wont linger in darkness,

when my soul isnt right.

waiting on "i love you"

like clouds i shoot down

when im drunk

when you arent around.

my happiness

a soulless task.

i'll only see your eyes,

when time decides to lure me

from a certain kind of lie

but like the time before

i hit a floor I drunkenly adore

behind a closed door.

wake up

a pool of sweat

with things that you regret

you shake and call your friends

but their still tired of your ****.

so tilt your head back

closed eyes let your throat relax.

sudden singing

with some carpet on your back.

saying things

you would have said to her.

your eyes are stars in skies

she'll never see again.

i might as well try,

to move moons where you'll swoon,

with some shaky hands,

I could give to you.

if i ever saw you again,

i'd never know what to say.

I'd forget the things i used to hold.

I couldn't reach your eyes,

and never meet your soul.

but my heart's still on fire,

while the flame is so old.

i want to disappear in a dream,

you don't see,

where words dont mean anything.

im sorry for being mean

your smile used to be a sun.

went out when i was drunk.

embraced the dark until i saw

the color black

the black that all my life becomes.

what color is a life undone?

and if all the stars ever fade away,

i'd lie and say I'll be okay.

that marble moon would maybe stay.

and if that moon would fade away,

I'd lie and say I'll be okay.

your embrace couldnt hold this flame,

this thing that burns us in every way.

second best to a dying day,

but my favorite thing is how you stay.

my love is on the mountain,

my love is in the trees.

my love is bound by nothing,

not even violent seas.

to my love,

the sun is just a ball of string,

like my soul, it's pulled,

and then released.

and nothing changed.

my friends were far away,

i dried up on the second floor,

listening to childish banter,

just a few yards below.

and i loved you when it snowed,

i loved you before it even was cold.

before you weren't as old.

just a year but you never would know.

im an angel dying for the star's glow.

left without love, and leaking all hope.

i hope that the moment i leave,

is precious to hold.

and when my spirit fades away,

i hope it takes away everything;

from my feet to my tingling face,

everything so hard to say.

you were misfortuned to love,

such a soul who could not hold it.

yet we still loved,

but all for a moment.

like a sun on fresh eyes,

i see you when they're pressed.

i see what you wanted,

and granted you less.

i could leave on a chariot,

and write my own death,

whatever that hides what i left.

a few walls and a floor,

that i've turned to my bed.

i could say that I'm sorry,

but I'd rather be dead.

sweatpants and cold sweats.

sitting swiping social media.

sick but hungry,

ill yet not hungover.

seeing pretty things on a screen.

mood lights along a ceiling.

bright screen in front of me.

swallow drinks to feel anything.

missing friends but I'm sleeping.

wish mistakes into meaning.