where im not vile,

where im not drunk.

keeping promises,

controlling the sun.

soothing your mood,

shining the moon,

hoping that i see my friends soon.

the stars will still glow at night,

your arms will still hold tight.

traffic, sun, stop lights.

a dog will still bark.

a phone screen will light up,

and a splash in a pool.

favorite family traditions.

heartache and time,

love will persevere,

and every drug and downfall.

you'll pay your bills,

make your favorite meal.

you'll talk in theaters,

pray to creators.

fall in love with an actor.

Facetime best friends,

promise love until the end.

socialize and drink,

throwing up in a sink.

in a car, make a scene.

doctor wounds without degrees.

rehabilitate a broken dream,

as a bird patiently sings,

in a room with no shoe strings.

where you're well enough to breathe.

this person is me,

where i need to be.

and the world will sing,

while i make mine okay.

until then I'll be here,

without something to say.

my friends on a horizon,

while i fly below,

to pull cold air in my lungs.

lost in thought and constant sorrow.

i'm here and there,

sober and wasted and wanting.

im proud of the words I cant say.

or the way they have to sound.

ringing round and round around,

my mind without a single noun.

not all stars will show,

nor illuminate the snow,

but a winter cold,

will swallow our minds whole,

to steal away what we don't know,

with withered things that rest alone.

O, to hold another year,

for yesterday's a different fear,

but bold enough to bring it near.

to trace a soul that once was dear,

O, to hold another year.

may you feel a blessing in your chest.

may you feel more than my best.

may you pass every painful test.

may you heal every mess.

may you live longer than guessed.

please turn the ceiling to stars,

paint my walls with art,

pulling pain from my heart.

turn the floor into doors,

to a better place from here.

fill my sink full of hope,

eyes sinking ecstasy in a phone screen,

but we'll never say what we mean.

I'll keep myself together for you,

just to fall apart in this room.

my child couldn't ***** this flame,

every night a crying shame,

playing razor since 2016,

not afraid to not eat,

not afraid to not breathe,

i can cringe while i write and still read

i know how to keep my mouth shut,

while my hands do the talking,

all they do is lift a bottle,

my mouth is tired,

i know how to sleep like a baby,

and still feel like a liar,

how to shave my seconds with a

flick.

of a lighter.

now i feel lighter:

my favorite food is pizza,

i used to read,

i used to play [     ],

answer phone calls,

enjoy music without falling apart.

i could love without an ounce of fear.

the most painful thoughts,

are the most beautiful,

to those who can't understand it.

i'll never be a writer.

heaven only knows your eyes,

two things i don't deserve to see.

sending shivers down spines,

your movement motioned like a sea.

sometimes i see it like an eye blinks.

sometimes it lingers in my dreams.

only my soul,

could ever know what it means.

i know you're outside my door,

waiting for someone,

you probably adore.

but these walls are too pretty,

and i can finally feel the floor.

i know that you care,

yet i dont know anything anymore.

all I have is behind that door.

it's hard to keep looking forward.

it's hard to write and not feel stupid,

it's hard to open up and not refuse it.

but I love you and I'm sorry;

for missing all your favorite holidays.

a quiet fire split my stomach,

igniting weary weeds where,

you used to comfortably breathe.

made sure your soul was soot,

before you took your leave.

reliving my life through a screen,

living my life with a drink,

losing when i want to scream.

sleeping and hoping for dreams.

hanging on to the year,

for a moment you were there,

but im too scared to breathe,

without you here.

crazy men bury words and thoughts,

create entire rooms.

cry in front of full moons.

i made it right,

without rhythm,

with some time.

i loved you when you were alive.

if i could be in bloom,

for you,

for just a second,

instead of soon.

besides a spinning room.

my choice would always be you.

i made a grain of sand,

my world for twelve months,

to tell myself,

I'm only young once.

my face was wet,

I placed my bets,

then every one i loved left.

thought i knew at least one thing,

every word i've never seen.

I'll love the dark,

until the light it brings.

slowly poisoned,

in love with the clouds,

sunny days that are loud,

wont seem so terrible now.

i love you,

but for once its allowed.

one day you'll miss this sound,

when i feel like I'm not around.

i'd live another life,

to not know who you are.

I'd trade your face,

for a midnight bar.

the kind that blacks out the stars,

nothing will hurt worse,

than what i did to you.

no self-consoling,

ever came through.

i decided,

i dont want to know the truth.

whatever love is,

or what made me hold onto you.

you're my ticket out,

one i wish I could lose.

like a place of transportation,

would ever appear in this room.

cage me for years and call it soon.

with nothing but myself to lose.

how do i send you to the clouds?

when your life was ran into ground?

does it even matter now?

i saw you once in town.

some day I'll turn you into nouns.

something like love,

or something less loud.

be bold as a flame,

I'll never see you again,

but I'll love you in a flicker.

like a moment i couldn't trick,

but you're my favorite,

among such unknown company.

but its there,

like you're not,

I'll spend eternity unraveling,

this knot.

the white of a door,

never felt lonelier,

than your face imprinted,

from a long lost sun.

for a year i carried each second.

like a wreck,

who knows nothing else.

i still dream you sober.

wishing you could come over,

for a minute, be a lover.

all my dreams are three-leafed,

always missing a clover.

i called you at a gas station,

running from feelings and friends,

so selfless but as scary as demons,

choosing shaking over reason.

i saw a street sign you hung onto,

i saw a smile you used to give,

before you stopped giving,

a flawless time i never saw.

i saw my life in ribbons,

when my drinking raced,

to the one you didnt exist.

I'd give anything to reinvent this.

a second chance,

you shouldnt give.

old friends lie,

waiting for me to die,

never looking in the eye.

like my mother in time,

i choose the coward side.

but my soul is only mine,

would you call it a crime,

if i wanted this life?

i used to feel each moment you felt.

a year flies by.

while i wait for the snow:

so fresh and unknown.

where i never heard your screams,

and I never felt your feelings.

every footprint at night,

could not record in that pure white.

I have lived, losing many lives,

even the ones that were mine.

i wish you were proud,

in line,

i see each soul,

that never turned around.

I've melted into the ground,

i feel some things that keep me loud.

god and alcohol arent allowed,

i pray my loss,

is something else i found.

silent knocks on my door,

i don't see you,

what did i adore

cigarettes in front of my door.


its horrifying,

silently sliding through another night.

crying and trying, I'm dye

ing to change each night before it.

i'd spend a lifetime,

tearing stars from the night,

just to recreate your life.

my hands wrap a moist canister,

I'll ignore your eyes,

and your life.

never was i further from the strife.

I found you floating in my dreams,

moments i was unable to believe.

for a second of you,

i would **** a large part of me.

a few favorite words,

i wish i could have meant.

engraved thoughts,

a heart made of cement.

you sure made my knees swoon,

each time I said I'd love you soon.

now you're just a dozens drinks,

some things i wish I'd never seen.

I'll love you to death,

and never know what it means.

you'll always mean something to me.

I'll leave you just as soon,

as my heart will let itself beat.

I'll love you long,

until i cannot breathe.

i know that isnt promising,

as death and several alcoholic drinks.

I'll still love you with some words,

you wont ever see.

oh,

the horrendous ways,

i have climbed to forget you.

the more i forget,

the harder it is.

your soul sold with my own,

my life unknown

drag a voice inside the house,

that neither of us ever knew.

did you know the love of your life,

would turn you into liquid courage?

to make it through another night,

the kind that hid from both your eyes.

fast forward to the night i almost died,

all apart, you stood on the side,

to this day i dont know why.

i was less of a man,

and something like a circus ride,

that won't forget the time of our life,

to be shoved into a bitter rhyme.

the sun'll be higher than the moon,

my heart'll still be a monsoon,

but i'll promise myself,

i still love you.

i kept my favorite things,

from strangers, just to fall in love.

what is love,

but spiders that crawl across dust?

never knowing what's above,

only holding what they love?

my pad is haunted by bottle glass,

awaiting harvest,

from their owner's happiness.

the cure is poison,

so they stand so obediently,

through soul-less days and nights,

waiting for their time.

i'd pour happiness,

if i knew how to hold it,

i'd give it to you,

breaking your neck,

replace it with mine.

pointless actions,

redeem my favorite friends.

i'm excluding your prescense,

writing black markers on heaven,

call demons all you want,

all I'm looking for is a good time.

and if i die in a dry grocery aisle,

know you're the only reason i cry,

not much else could keep me alive.

enough to watch me sink?

until i put away that ******* drink,

how i pour it in my mouth,

instead of a thirsty sink.

enough to tell you,

when i want to leave,

to see a better side of me?

your hands, I'll miss,

for just about eternity,

some day I'll turn in the keys,

call it life,

let it be.

until then I'll just bawl,

to nothing but a white wall,

wishing i couldnt wish at all.

how to fall in love with a stranger,

how to put my life in danger.

how to fist fight my neighbor,

to save my whole life for later.

to turn days,

into days I dont remember.

to turn four walls,

into things i don't want to remember.

how to love someone,

and never forget her.

mourning in silence,

an empty room hears the sighs,

the popping bottles and crying,

a fully accepted way to die.

tell me to stop,

like i promised i would.

i love you, i swear,

well, as much as i could.

you mean the whole world,

could you give me some space?

I've got some emotions,

and twelve buddies to chase.

this mirror is *****,

havent looked in a while,

if i glanced at it now,

all i'd see is your smile.

so calm all your demons,

swallow what hurts,

cause your life is a watch,

while your body just turns.

I'm lonely, and I've got a bit of time.

do you mind much if i hold your life,

for a second or a lifetime?

I'll squeeze you in the daylight,

even harder at night.

by the time i leave,

i'll leave your ego bruised,

and your skin ghost white.

then tomorrow, call it a good time,

for a second,

or a lifetime.

am i still on your mind?

or just a shiver in your spine,

a stubborn cold coming for your life.

am i just another line in this rhyme,

that evaded your caring eyes.

would you believe it if i told you,

that i dont quite mind,

when i'll lose it all in time,

one day, wherever,

i'll wake up,

without this headache of mine.

a five-word saying,

that will never see the light of day.

as important as our month in may.

and every day after every day after,

i pray i rise to the rafters,

to see your face in laughter.

your soul, I'll always hope I capture,

in whatever kind of drunken after.

i hope i find a happier feeling,

than falling in love with you.

leaning over a bed,

we made love in.

throwing my life into carpet.

trying to grow something dead.

once, i loved you instead,

turned your light into lead.

then all the alcohol went to my head.

losing everything,

until i was weak enough,

to call god instead.

but i dont know him,

like i knew you.

in a lifetime,

i'll learn to know you.

i see what you dont see anymore,

all i know is the floor.

bury me and take a little more.

sell the things i adored.

married to a pretty floor.

just too ******* tired of trying,

life made me a drunk, lover, and liar.

jesus gave me a mean smile,

but god set me aside.

my eyes are blind,

while the foam reach my knees.

I'm cursed from the thought,

that my eyes couldn't see,

another time i couldnt be.

said i would've said one more,

just to feel the breeze.