my thumb extended to a goddless sky,

while i smile to let go,

of such things that aren't mine,

but that once made me my home.

my heart, as it's spent,

will remain in a jar,

to preserve what it was,

but it's distance was far.

a blue sky at it's end,

becomes beautiful within,

quietly calloused, cautiously kept,

raining only for friends.

without you for two days,

still, i tip my head without shame,

nightly, draining life from a drink,

the steaming distillery lies in bed.

my veins are on fire,

i want to disappear,

anything to keep you here,

that i'm here,

shoehorned into stars,

giving up on my arms,

selling sins to my heart.

im a myth to my friends,

living fiend in the end,

I'm a mess without them,

but i will stay.

promises to stick around,

i won't ask a single thing,

I'll be there in my guilt,

with the tears that I've built,

i won't bother you then.

i guess where you go,

is not where i'll be,

i'll collect the dead leaves,

where we once were,

so you'll be where i was.

what was I,

but a ditch in the ground,

wanting you to come around,

singing like a drunken clown.

what was I,

but a son that had drowned,

wishing you could keep me grounded.

what was I,

but the star in your eyes,

kept in dark,

while i stared,

as you passed me by.

wasted and welded,

to a well-lit screen,

sitting in a dim-lit room,

recreating my opinions of you.

half-way out an open door,

hanging on a half-lit moon,

hugging a mental fire,

shaking and withdrawn from life.

you appeared as a stranger,

you stayed as a mother,

you left as a stranger.

if i could walk backwards to you,

without falling apart.

if i could feel such a loss,

but remain at the start.

buried beneath a drunken pond,

a mountain full of things i lost,

holding fire for too long.

melatonin on my breath,

worming through weaknesses,

thinking, holding onto my knees.

turning thoughts into breathing;

alcohol on my breath,

shaking through shifts,

seamlessly drinking under stars.

glass bottles clip my top two teeth.

bright was your smile at midnight,

a U-shaped row of stars,

marring such a pretty waste of dark.

wouldn't know what to say,

or how to behave;

like a chicken with no head,

like a night without stars,

if i jumped like a dog,

would you tell me how far?

i'll be fine when it rains,

where im comfortably numb,

not believably drunk.

im without thrill in my stomach,

im not made of too much,

my twenties were rushed.

hurrying to the same horizon.

i paint these streets,

colorblind, bleeding red,

thoughts of drug dealers,

feeling alone.

i grip a white sun with orange hands,

further from you and who i am.

these words,

eternally far from heard,

relentless in the way they hurt,

the love i lost was unassured,

i dug myself into the earth.

if i held your heart,

i surely would not know,

too busy turning off faucets,

of the great unknown.

if i was the bird who sings,

like a fool next to your home,

i would surely fly south,

of your soul, i would not know.

lies divide the love from my life,

but i can't hide my mind anymore,

leaving tangled sheets behind a door,

but i can't adore what i have left.

without alcohol on my breath.

trauma unprocessed all my life,

undiscovered until twenty-nine,

writing strangers, they don't mind.

losing loved ones that aren't mine,

lying was my first mistake,

trying,

fail abysmally.

slip apart, the years will fall,

my mind then said,

there's happiness in alcohol.

color me in,

leave me there,

let my conscious bloom,

and when you're around,

i promise to smile at you.

im sorry you [    ],

if i could [   ], I would [    ].

i swear I'll [    ],

I won't [   ] anymore.

Just [   ],

if you're [   ],

go to [    ].

I'm sorry, i  [     ].

though you hate the date,

i repeat the way i was every day,

even if i haven't changed much,

i still remember the love,

no matter what you think it was.

i was, and am, lost,

trading time for its cost,

a constant replay, i should move on.

too hard to hold,

too ill to let go,

my demons breathe anomalies,

that carry me from home.

my life began at twenty-one,

i was myself for twenty years,

now i struggle just to be here.

my life restarts at twenty-four,

my soul was held and long-ignored,

my friends were loved and so adored.

my life restarts at twenty-nine,

i live with what i left behind,

i tried to try and treat me kind,

a year ago i dropped the knife,

i struggle with a silent vice,

it keeps me warm, it holds me tight,

i give it all my darkest nights.

10,000 words i wrote for me,

each one, a moment feeling free,

but still i suffer mentally,

sold my conscious for a lot of drink,

suffered daily, '19,

a year my mind will never leave,

but happy days, they strive to be,

i pray the drinks are temporary.

sober life is frightening,

hate my life,

a soul i can't carry,

instead i wrote these words,

so an angel could hear me.

nothing,

i'm fine,

i don't know,

i don't feel good,

i need to go,

i'm sorry,

i can't,

i need help.

like a dream,

you appeared, you weren't there,

you set fire to my brain,

for years you were just living here,

loving nothing but exit stairs.

arms cut to ribbons,

my soul kissed the ceiling,

the sun reappears,

without any feeling,

i'm closest to gone without leaving.

endorphins rush to my head,

I'd rather think of you instead,

quiet nights, holding your hand,

but it's now, and im full of bleach,

nothing absent time couldn't teach.

every tear on my bedsheet,

could replace a whole ocean,

i hope it retains the emotion,

of my world falling apart,

like a canvas without art,

or my fingers without splinters,

longest summers without winter,

all my love, just without her,

every thing, every where,

ended by a pair of scissors.

is not a drug,

but a dream kept afar,

i can't hold it with hands,

but i love when it's near.

sometimes it still upsets me,

but I'm still set in my ways;

i still smile when i don't mean it,

i sigh when you aren't here,

i climb clouds when i can,

i reappear where you don't.

i feel completely alone.

I glide through green lights,

obliterating double lines,

hoping i can still see the great divine,

dishonored by three bottles of red wine.

but i still remember crying at the station,

calling you from my driver's side,

bruised, cut and unkind,

begging you to stay in my life.

loneliness cures syrup,

im mush without you,

fighting thoughts in my head,

biding life, while your life is the glue.

what i lost a long time ago is you.

maybe ego is a freedom,

breathing meaning in a wound,

but as lost as white vans,

i might know what could be true.

if your life was a montage,

would you stare, would you starve?

would you care or move on?

fall in love with a man who can stop

fall in love with a man who can stop

fall in love with someone,

if they stop.

where you can't reach me,

empty werewolves come to eat me,

drinking where i should be breathing,

darkness, where you cannot reach me.

on my mind at night,

i can't say words, but i might,

drag you down,

i still stay out of town.

maybe my life is foolish,

and im just cringing by the fire,

but i know I've told truth as a liar.

and no matter what color that,

just happens to change your hair,

maybe it reflects the days i regret,

i still wake and i still fret,

for you, truly im still left,

but sunsets still don't feel like they,

used to.

i reappear from my illness,

with small hope and no home,

just four walls and a bed of my own,

motherless, with an inch left of soul.

my eyes are recovering gray,

miles away from the dark,

where i stood almost all of my life,

only time could replace this heart.

i am grateful for the days i can count,

forgive me for the ones that i can't,

but still, if you stood next to me,

i would still reach for your hand.

wishing every day was a weekend,

dotting my life in that eternal night,

wanting sleep when my soul is full,

emptied when the morning's old.

since I met you,

my feet haven't found the ground,

like gravity has a chance,

i still wonder if you'll keep me around.

all these words on my skin,

like they mean a **** thing,

nothing changed;

you're still that thing in your skin.

realizing im too drunk to cry,

i might be too foolish to die.

thirty times, beg you by my side,

then you took your own life.

gave yourself a clean getaway.

i never thought i'd be alive,

long enough to see you smile,

but i was, i don't know why,

this ugly one regret of mine:

you saw me at a younger time,

i thought i'd never be alive.

how many words,

can express what occurred,

i still think of every thing i heard,

they aren't mine, but i learned,

every thing i could burn,

never was mine or yours.

i follow light that is lifeless,

texting cancer to my friends,

facetime a lover I've never met.

you got drunk on an app,

now you have kids,

but i'm in a room,

still learning how to live.

disconnected from my age,

falling further from my kind,

but in another universe,

the stars are aligned.

summoned by denial,

replaced by a tree with initials,

sun dials drying in the wind,

seeking a midnight sin,

are your arms made of love?

or do they spin constantly,

like a slow-growing currency?

perfectly circular,

gravity will take you away.

i plan every night,

just to get through each day,

replacing my loss,

what could make you stay?

~

im the captain of my two feet,

i couldn't steer a breeze from a storm,

but i can leave a broken mess,

turn all your debris into a dress,

flurried away, feeling less.

time took this pain away,

to you, from me,

spending a lifetime to feel okay.

only life feels this way,

without words,

or hate.

too troubled to be left alone,

too drunk to walk back home,

crossing your mind,

every once in a blue moon.

or maybe not at all,

not this empty room,

smiling left and right like a fool,

every single moon,

foolishly think of you,

pushing more into the ground,

forgetting and keeping me around.