gave up love,
to read books.
traded truth, trust,
your second-looks.
tried the drink temporarily,
found an edge,

treaded carefully.

yet I crossed,
and it's cause of me.

picking up,
the fragile frames of,
my windowpane.
no patience placed in me,
i'll leave them on the ground,
to let them be.

so,
like the love I used to have for self,

I guess I'll just leave.

morning's adoring,
addictive headache.
my thought's failed to escape,
they repeat, I'm irate.
yes, I made this mistake.
yes, i swallowed the pain,
so I hoped I wouldn't wake.

its easiest,
inebriated,
courage lies unconfiscated,
surely we have all related,
saying things while staying faded,
loving things so underrated,
kisses on the shoulder blades, it,
seems our eyes are saturated,
tentative our trust remains, if,
loving you means you aren't staying.

some kind of catch,
conceived the apathy,
right decisions run from me,
demons play my mind,
like symphonies.
but I kind of like the company.

i hover above,
the grave I have dug,
remorsefully of,
a pain so undone.
too afraid of myself,
just a cry without love.
and the family I loved,
my mind carefully shunned.
while i lie on the ground,
they all cry for a son.

you were there,
who loved me first,
for all of me,
even my worst.
I let you down,
your back then turned,
I searched inside,
for lessons learned.

an empty room I slowly earned.

when i heard,
those silly words,
that slipped your mouth,
i took to heart,
their honesty,
I was devout.
now i walk,
a path without,
weary of the skies to shout.
surely luck,
if I'm bestowed,
will suddenly say my name aloud.

and that will be enough.

i asked why it was so hard,
to find the bottom before the start,
to weather clouds before they part,
the blackest night behind the stars.
i followed paths with all my heart,
just to recreate the same old scars.

I'm sorry for closed doors,
and the fear of your knocking.
I'm sorry for the sadness,
that was pushing you often.
I'm sorry for the promise,
that my mind couldn't offer.
I'm sorry for your time,
how I made it unwanted.
I'm sorry for the patience,
that was tested in vain.
I'm sorry for lying,
and hiding the pain.
I'm sorry I loved you,
without loving myself.
Im sorry I left you,
without asking for help.

alcoholic,
workaholic,
skipped a holi-
day that i buried.
addiction i've married.
tarried too long,
blessed and i'm strong,
biased and long,
foolish at heart.
been buried alot.

our feet on a court,
my room, last resorts,
a word fallen short,
when pressed, no report,
a pain pushed forward,
a long , lost award,
of an impossible sort.

do I look like you?
so I searched the truth,
from a time that mattered,
no longer does it,
others have flattered,
and none of them you.

all those words,
on facebook,
that don't matter anymore.
it's actually kind of funny now,
not to fall for the eye,
and forgetting the storm.

wet pavement,
***** green towers,
from green lights,
an alternative universe,
spread across the man-made.
all the tiny, sorted puddles,
blinking at the stars,
a sort of quiet protest,
promise nothing,
offer everything.

since that day,
your words rang true.
was never loved,
by one like you.
those honest words,
just can't be true.

since that day,
i loved you too,
i couldn't speak,
but it was true.
now you're gone,
but i'm not through.

and so that rainy day deserves a star,
a wonder not unlike an ark,
a leading light within the dark,
to show what was and surely ours,
a tiny light,
within our broken heart.

pushed daisies,
in front of your eyes,
frivolous lies,
contemptable tries,
egregiously tied,
spliced, you decide.
timid but true,
commendable blur,
technical spur,
an admirable burn.
turnips in bloom,
loving me too,
talkative truth,
a drunkard abused.
used to a life,
like a child had made,
turned, broken glass,
found a peace in the shade.
no, i'm afraid,
your heart, not my goal,
just worshipped the lies,
i always was told.

O' beauty,
your portrait is filterless,
perilous gaze,
like a sun grazing fields.
like your dog, I'll heel,
and hold your image,
through illuminated screen.

the whole world on my shoulders,
i shouldn't feel older,
but I feel out of order.
I want to buy more beer,
to obliterate my self care,
to resolve the next year.

haunted thoughts,
that don't turn off.
panic comes,
and leaves so soft.
a certain fact,
you can't make true,
to make it real is all you do.
robbed a fridge,
from my own kin,
to feel like I'm a better man.
the moon routine revolves to sun,
forgot to hold on to your love.

I hope you read this,
you don't know I need this,
just a little peace of mind,
but I am nothing.
and nothing some times,
is better than something.
least of all,
I'm something,
someone some day will sing.

i met you.
seeming innocent as me,
But you werent,
shadows doused in a light.
loved you all,
with all my might.
two swollen years before i knew
the broken promise on the roof,
i took the ladder,
thought it through.
You took the things
that made me true.

you came back,
i had a drink,
for every second you were gone,
it kept time from being long.
forgot to ask what flight you're on.
but little did you know,
my love for self i slowly lost.

trapped in the lines,
the adjectives kind,
please paint me more time,
not a fan of the earth,
but i live for its crime.
kept simple and secret,
and lives on regret,
they're threading my steps,
made a beeline to death.
the truth in our breaths.
simply mournful and sorrow,
i pray for tomorrow,
your carried love,
revealed it was borrowed.
i know im alright,
but i lay down the blue,
just to give you a fright.

the pretty words in all the world,
they called behind the cellar door,
sincerely like an optimist,
missing cues in abstinence,
not alike,
you face your fears,
the difference dug within a year,
my breathing just a part time job,
like losing something without loss,
your love is what it used to cost.
its's tied upon a cherry tree,
your spot imprinted on the bark,
the sun revealed what once was dark,
your moon will keep me wide awake.
the difference from divided day.

i sought simple solutions simply to stutter my stage, suddenly and secretly, suspiciously suspect the sinful songs that substitute my sadness,

but I am.

serenading the sorry sorrows sneaking in my mind.

i made a home in words,
made the twists and turns,
without a single soul to see,
to sit there silently and learn.

im writing to a wall,
with confidence so proudly tall,
but to opinions, will it always fall.

then maybe i won't sleep at all.

your soul so soft,
as i thought of you often,
i lost you,
i left as you turned and coughed, then,
tore me apart within,
the seconds you left in,
days i spent holding up your chin.
maybe the cause of my sorrow,
the old excuse. refused to borrow.
as time goes on, an old truth,
becomes lie.
who am i.
but a person you loved,
in a passionless time.

and my friend said,
'why do you have body spray?
who are you trying to impress?'

and i replied,
'Everyone but myself.'

synchronized soul,
emotional pull,
removal of love,
the body unfolds.
characterized charts,
lost a lexicon,
lately, lethargic,
fatefully gone.
fearfully fresh,
trembling tips,
thorough in thought,
suddenly ripped.
lovable self,
terrible times,
carry me through,
replaceable lines.

lie down and shake,
dreaming pink lines erased,
i broke all my mirrors,
so i can't see my face.
sobriety is sickness,
the family curse,
chasing lost limbs,
i can't see that i'm worse.
i learned all of my options,
then i tore them all down.
but how can i win,
if i dont stick around?

a winter walked all by myself,
broken promise to myself,
painful words i couldn't tell,
wrote them down, now wish me well.
climbed on top a shooting star,
never wondered where you are,
I know the time and place you'll wait,
maybe i'll be there someday.

the leaves fall like i did for you,
let them float back,
to their broken branch.
turn this grey sky blue,
warm the deathly cold air,
crash the sun,
through these winter clouds.
keep the bottle full,
seal unbroken,
my soul has spoken.
**** the dizziness from my head,
let all lost things be found anew,
all the love that life stole, too.
beard hair shrunk back in my skin,
feeble nerves unshakened in wind,
kindle fires i left dim.
bring back my broken kin,
turn my eyes from tempestous skin.
erase the scars on my arms,
i meant them no harm,
in their repetition lies the real sorrow.
take me back,
before i know who you are.
escape through adolescent exit signs,
maybe then i can finally restart.

why do you lie,
and then take up my time?
carry me back,
with your comfortable smile?
show me my worth,
walk away with a sigh?
still, i love all your flaws,
i'll remove your bad nights.

i loved once,
and long enough.
found a fire i could *****.
turned to drinking,
gained my fill,
found my future in a hill.
where it lead,
i'll never know,
found myself within the snow.

You used to love your name,
played with toys,
without a single shame.
Every surface of your house,
memorized every shape.
Growing up, it surely changed.
And nothing ever was the same.

an illusive fox,
that knows no bounds.
its presence keeps me around.
upon a hill, he watched me drown,
and taught a meaning,
i have not yet caught.
but also made me laugh alot.
no better a friend,
i could have asked,
the words could bring shyness,
he's surely abashed.
maybe meaning exists,
beneath both of our masks.

when there's trust, there is love,
but i lost all the above,
drowned you out like a bug,
now my heart,
never yours to disrupt

if you see me, i am scared,
when you don't, i appear,
but an empty room, i'll also fear,
my thoughts of self, can't help but care

waste me away,
i'm away when you think,
i can't stay when i drink,
i see shadows and freak,
out when love is too deep,
i black out just to sleep,
but my soul you can keep.
both my parents, they weep,
haven't called in six weeks.
but im gone when i drink,
i love you when i drink,
not myself when i drink,
where's my life when i drink,
where's my heart when i drink,
i'm so sorry i drink.

they dont love me at all,
it's no wonder why so,
and the less i get back,
means the less that i show.
it's been said many times,
many ways from our throats:
its the love that we lost,
that we passionately hold.
and we shuffle through seasons,
then suffer the cold.
we live 25 years feeling 40 years old,
built on longing and pain,
and the lies that we're told.
but this rant has gone on,
and my passion will fold.
but don't pity me
comfort me,
leave me alone.
cause the person i've been,
are the faults of my own.

the color of orange,
the meaning of harm,
i selflessly take,
the meaning it warns.
i'll take all the blame,
the blame is my own.
my arm is aggressed,
the tic, tac, and toe.
the X's remain,
i crossed all the O's.
revealed all the red,
and opened a home.

a warmth in my throat,
i'm feeling alone.
i'd give you my all,
and all that i own.
I'd know if you loved me,
but know that i dont.
i chased all the feelings,
a trail so cold.