will you be there,
when the levee breaks,
the doubts crawling over,
falling on face.
will you love my black eye,
in the middle of noon?
will you hold shaky hands,
when i say i can't too?
will you judge my left arm,
when you see me at work?
each one is a lesson,
i still haven't learned.
i loved when i lost,
am i losing you too?
will you carry my torch,
when i 'm killed by the truth?

muted gasp.

in a luxurious sea,
of tricks and treasures.

i don't want to speak anymore.

your face,
your pictures,
things to adore.

i'll let them go,
in search for more.

hopping hearts,
to find my place.
instead i'll seek the good,
in empty spaces.

if i could build this home,
without your warmth,
i would find you twice,
with love untorn.

but if i falter,
let me be.
a pain upheld,
forever free.

i have somewhere to be,
where my feelings don't show,
while my words dress in white,
buried deep within snow.

we all have that thought,
of the person we're not,
so socially taught,
to not leave what you caught.

but it all disappears,
when you build up the care,
as you look in their eyes,
and you feel all their fear.

so i'm holding my breath,
because time is a test,
and I'm used to the ruse,
losing face isnt new.

but if love was a lie,
then you could be true,
but knowing myself,
i could fall for you too.

used to losing things,
those rainy days,
the thoughts with no name,
i have weathered my shame,
the nights that i drank,
my world stays the same.
the pain i can't change,
i'm honest and blamed,
my demons arranged,
to feel so deranged,
be proud, they all say,
but i'm not, and I'm scared,
then they all disappeared.

something broken, deep inside,
long, I've searched,
it always hides.
my friend's say 'breathe,
just give it time'.
how long can trauma,
stay a lie?
so long, I've fought,
to stay alive.
a family worried,
mouth is tied.
my mind can't pick a ******* side.
i want to love myself,
I've tried.

and if I go,
just know i tried.

a devil on shoulders,
careless and older,
infamously colder,
than ice on a boulder.
and so, i'm ashamed,
the things i can't say,
but when they are spoken,
they're given a name.

give me a chance,
i will tear you apart,
your thrown away innocence,
revert to the start.
i breathe in the consequence,
constant, the distance,
we showed from the start.
i'm praying for a better heart.

suicidal,
not afraid to say the name,
whatever takes the pain away,
my friends will always say the same:
'you're fine, get help, you're not okay',
this drink means more,
than being brave.
'I'll stop', I'm saying every day.
whatever takes the pain away.

tracing our steps,
especially tonight.
erasing the fright,
i fight, i can't fly,
you are worth all the apples that,
spill from my eye.
foreseen, all my options,
i die every time.
but hours with you,
i'm a cloud in your light.
i can live for your smile,
for some time, i can try.
if you leave me tomorrow,
i swear I'll be fine.
if love isn't worth it,
i'll still hold on a while.

i tried to steal your sober heart,
and promised not to break it.
i told my soul to stay intact,
in stead, it couldn't take it.

sickening, its evident,
your loving soul was heaven sent,
the shame we shared,
we never meant,
was celibate to all your sin,
addictions that i learned to fend,
i ******* let you in again.

your blood was my own,
excluding your hair.
a simple exchange,
of our words, subtle care.
i feel far apart,
in my room i remain,
remembering memories,
writing in shame.
your rock on my back,
on a mountain to climb.
missing the company,
washed from our lives.

gripped face,
wet hands,
sun breaks,
you stand.

falling down again.

our eyes just commune,
a love lit in tune.
simply wandering,
falling towards you.
tragic and tryst,
with flames that we miss.
filled our emotions,
so drunken in kiss.
hopes that you follow,
and hold up the signs,
feelings unearthed,
so you'll find them in rhyme.

terrifyingly tantalizing,
realizing lies in me,
red eyes from my burning tree,
regret like a past-time dream,
unafraid of what, suddenly, can be,
my heart swelling suddenly.
a sin without curse,
as it holds me so lovingly.
words in my mouth,
that your body can speak.
seeing your face,
a tortured release.

i found you in fire,
you found me without.
i sat in my embers,
and never to be.
you opened your arms,
and gave me a flame.
my worth was the sand,
you gave me a name.
i took apprehension,
you lived in it too.
i feared all the meanings,
you saw me, a fool.
my time was a question,
your eyes signaled truth.
i sat so uninterested,
suffering you.

to find your eyes,
among the aisles,
pulling out my inner child.
playing just to know your name,
the clock hand starts to stay the same,
loving while i'm living lost,
remembering the things i tossed,
i hope these things, it doesn't cost.

symphonies, mind,
thieves in the hive,
healing their lives,
vices are pretty,
friends are just kidding,
living, the middle of,
tragedies killing her,
listening, kids are here,
struck, straight, about,
love in a drought,
family pout,
living without,
screaming aloud,
carry my voice into our clouds,
loving loud, leaving out,
thoughts, i don't know,
snow in our history,
struggling, how,
words are so feeble,
backs, as they leave.
turning the truth and their meaning.

the myth behind the blinding lights,
the numbing drink in constant fight,
to ground my loving, livid mind.
the friendships,
pushed and pulled around.
the nightly drives across the town.
an empty seat when i arrive,
the hopeful heart that limps to strive.
the medicine within my fridge,
to dig up reasons just to live,
a mother's death, her dying sun,
a holy presence picks which one.

shy girl, scratching her arms,
shuffling streets simply,
since she sees things,
somber, sadly split sections,
upon her invisible chest.
upset at something longed to lose,
a lifting wind upon her,
surely signaling, final call,
to give up demons for it all.

when i recover,
and if you are found,
apology mouth,
to return all my sound.
the cries, never made,
as they kneel at your face,
marking a promise,
to finally stay.

arrived on the wind,
weathered and bent,
loved my attention,
covered in sin.
guessed my intention,
called me a friend.
left me in shambles,
never again.
i wanted your company,
coped with your loss.
i left you alone,
my feelings were tossed.

her love is a drug,
a lesson i hold.
nobody there,
but it's her that i love.
empty and clear,
nobody there.
something amiss,
and i miss when she's here.

she was beautiful in wind,
loyalty to sin,
self in the friend,
needs of her,
were worthless to him.
when i die,
it wont matter again.

i'll paint all your flaws,
in your favorite color,
so loving yourself,
is never a bother.

of all the things that ever hurt,
loving you was always worse.

carried to the roof,
night skies showing proof,
i loved you, always loving you.
your loving hand I couldn't use.
an offer that i refused.
my drinking, nothing,
nothing new.
forged a feeling to feel true.
falling forward into you,
was all I ever meant to do.
meet me underneath the moon.
there I lie,
and lack the truth.

before i sleep,
i hope you're there.
sing the feelings disappeared.
sobered up to face my fears.
loving you,
will always scare.

i loved you once,
but never lost.
learned to live oblivious,
pushed away, forgot the cost.
the beauty in my life i tossed.
living lifeless,
fed on loss.
simple, lonely,
albatross.

sorry that i let you down,
falling, getting drunk in crowds,
turning bottle caps to crowns.
i wish you'd stay, and stick around.

fast as a flicker in flame,
illusive as a quarter in sea,
tense as a hand at throat,
dreadful like anxiety.

i left you on a windowsill,
a better future, you could sell,
couldn't see it, pray ye tell,
repeating words into my hell.
wished some hope would come along,
materialized into your song:
'stop your drink and become strong',
oblivion was all I saw.
sorry that i never heard,
tested hearts i always feared,
said the things i wished you'd hear,
but love was never quite so near.

your wick struck through my core,
a small flame you adore.
but what of myself,
do I live without choice?
as i suffer in silence,
while the fire makes your noise.

my mind takes me,
like water in current,
so i grip your name,
to my soul, I will stir it.
lost to thoughts like maybe:
maybe large as a lake,
sometimes spread like the sea,
but your heart is my buoy,
and i call you, my baby.

hold on my arm,
settle my scores,
turn me to you,
muddle the truth,
tell me i'm used,
love when i lose.
nobody here,
settle with stares,
say not a word,
suddenly scared.
rarely a tear,
crosses my face,
busy with failing,
loving the chase.
choosing my words,
fill me with stress,
burn me at stake,
then take off your dress.

like lights,
living room.
held my chair,
when i would swoon.
soon sat back,
the simple moon,
could not express,
our heaven room.

too scared to see you now,
sensitive in crowds,
lonely when I say don't come around.
loved you,

though my face,

held a frown.

hated when you turned it,

up side down.

But I loved you,

now i wish i'd come around.

to all the feelings I ever hurt,
to your help from which I turned,
to the pain I probably earned,
a lesson rots,
your side untaught,
so much unlearned:

i'm sorry.

forever words,
i don't deserve.

Christ-carrying whisper,
scared to come home.
tipsy under a cherry tree,
a day's dying glow.

i hope that you're still reading this,
a small hope if you're needing it;
you count your numbers,
breathing in,
you rollercoast emotions while,
remembering to breathe again.
you wish your hands,
weren't paper thin,
while holding up the world times ten.

just know that i am listening,
i hope you know i'm listening.

who are you,
to shake my small world.
to upturn the ground,
when you're not around.
the hate that i hold,
i will slowly let go,
i can change you from friend,
to someone i don't know.
though the fire's still young,
it is one that will lull.
like the pride that stands strong,
will, in time, become old.

my mind is on fire,
my soul such a liar,
both dress up my hopes,
indifferent attire,
the eyelids wide open,
my pupils are cold,
a scent of scorched dreams,
slowly drenching my nose.
I'm a world where its yes,
And all yesses mean no.
but the no's share a secret,
that nobody knows.
and my loved ones are helpless,
like a picture in frame,
for they all say the same **** thing:

'I'm sorry,

so sorry,

that you're terribly insane'.

a couple cups of coffee,
a candle cooing in the corner,
carried candid cravings away.
creased the coarse corners of a book,
a kind of caffeinated carelessness,
where others haven't looked.
and so the moving heart, with misery,
resolves to have its day.

i made my bed,
as it loved every word,
i never said.
i just wish that the world,
could too.

at the bottom,
I felt everything,
but I didn't get far.
my worried friend's faces,
kept me drunk without cars.
shoved my shoulders from bars.
let me look at the stars.

yes, they love who you are.
they picked lies from your eyes,
saw the times that you tried,
knew that somewhere you cried,
said it's fine when its not.
to show fear without fight,
ways you coped with the night.
how you fed yourself lies,
how the darkness felt better,
when your day wasn't bright.

and at times you felt love,
when it wasn't alright.