you found a future,
i helped you find.
you sawed my nerves,
i left to die,
but still alive
so, yes i try,
but not for you,
still feel your lies.

thoughts that i could never hone,
kept you close, a quiet home.
built on sand and love alone,
sinking while the sun shone.

curved eyes,
so constant.
constraining sadness,
i abide.
lift her chin,
a closet mist.
patrons pardon while she's his,
tangled torture met his sin.
belly met with gentle hands,
lower, where he met his kin,
questioned as to leave them in.
starved, an aftermath begins.
his soul brought forth,
his whole life within.

would you bury my best,
just to see if i breathe?
would you tear in my skin,
just to count all the seams?
am i all that you want,
all those sins that you need?
can i hold all your words,
just to show what they mean?

i wasn't part of it,
starting off glowing and clean,
you dug in my face,
just to call me a thing.
felt all your downfalls,
falling between,
filled all your cracks,
while i'm tortured by scenes.

the crunch of a newborn day.
the sound of you having your way.
the quiet of past gone away.
blackest nights,
while i wished you would stay.
icy fog while i drove into work.
christmas lights,
and discovering your worth.
not again,
as you said in cupped mouth.
truest feelings,
frozen cold,
and left out.

i saw your eyes,
over fork and knife,
wondering of your day's last light.
will it be your time,
or is it mine?
no son of yours,
would be so kind.
held glass, not hands,
for things i couldn't stand.
deprived of sleep,
to sift through sand.
i pray that nightmare doesnt come,
when i will be the only one,
a self-taught lie, now come undone.
the things you saw, i'll never see,
the better side inside of me,
who pawned your love,
for one more drink.

i need help.

broken shelf,
we refuse to repair.
i repeat the same pain,
she forgets all that fear.
we can love all we want,
what i need is myself.
broken glass on the wall,
all those family-missed calls.
hold my hand all you want,
you can't teach me to breathe,
i can't live with myself,
when the problem is me.

your flaws,
opened loud.
you would glow,
and once proud.
your dreams were like grass,
not so high in those clouds,
where you stare at me now,
while i'm bringing you down.

those sirens i hear,
that i choose to ignore.
every thought that cut deep
now i throw to the shore.
every sin that i knew,
won't appear anymore.
though my writing is worse,
i can walk through that door.
if i see you outside,
then I'm needless of more,
maybe drunk, but content,
though we're scarred, you're adored.

the seconds will fade,
while the minutes sneak by.
an hour so short,
blue to black, turns our sky.

the first one was foolish,
and hastily drawn.
it felt like my darkest,
but time marked its dawn.  
for you, laid the rest,
while they screamed all my worth.
i wrapped them in lies,
while the next had its turn.
they stop and they stare,
while i fake my self-care.
but each mark is a truth,
that i fail to hear.

six more,
i hate myself,
you, so adored,
so walk out that door.

never found,
never tried.
always ran from the things,
that were harming my life.
the light on that razor,
my skin opened wide.
its edge, a small child,
thought my curves were a slide.
then my therapist drinks,
while i pretend to cry.
all my ghosts disappear,
then appear right on time.

you put me to sleep,
wrapped in last words and lies.
kept your cowardice from my eyes.
then i woke up alone,
you had torn me apart,
kept my throat from its scream,
felt too numb for a meaning.

i put you to sleep,
trembling hands held you close,
i loved what loved me,
but you loved me the most.

i wish i had more,
just to end this poor dream.
where my mind felt so well,
while you stole what it means.

remember when you broke me so?
taught me terror that i hadn't known?
questions that would weigh me low.
traveled sand just to feel the snow.
across the world, then frozen cold.

all the lines that i crossed,
just to be in your arms.
never thought that I'd lose,
buried deep in your harm.
like a splinter left in,
caused a changed in my growth,
threw a tilt to my world,
severed love i won't know.

i married the ground,
the sky was too loud.
i moved to your town.
those waves were so crowded.
i climbed higher mountains.
i met all my demons,
you wouldn't accept,
they held all the faces,
i could not escape.
fast forward to now,
a drink in my hand,
a job i can't stand,
melting in snow,
like drowning in sand.

yourwordsheldthevoicethaticouldntletgo.
theirrapidinflecti­onsdarkenedthetone.
themoreisaidthemoreifelt

alone.

i loved you,
when that wind blew your hair.
i loved you,
when my thumb brushed your tears.
i loved you,
when i thought you didn't care.
i loved you,
when you weren't there.

your face in that country,
it still remains lovely.
the love that it broke,
once left me with nothing.
and know I've loved angels,
but nothing as true,
all the life that i gave them,
was once all for you.

your eyes melt mine,
but still i stare.
your laugh brings back,
what wasn't there.

i want to jump off,
be one with the ground.
i lose myself when you aren't around.
change me to a cloud,
i'll stay a while.
watch you from a bird's eye,
count the ways you breathe,
from a couple miles high.
I'll get sad and pour rain,
clear skies for your smile.

you're a mess,
you should depart.
these feelings,
though good,
weren't built for new starts.
you're still breaking,
all these broken hearts.
you want to throw them all for peace,
some love was all i thought i needed,
never knew I'd leave behind,
the things i loved, for simple lies:

I'm not drunk,
I'm doing just fine.

2013 -

(frozen ice,
infected windows.
silent room,
the swollen snow)

2014 -

(your parent's house,
a subtle stay,
the carpet shuffled,
crooned your name.
joked a broken leg,
to stay with you,
i left in love,
that wasn't true)

2016  -

(you threw my gifts,
the parking lot,
i gave my all,
and then i lost)

2019 -

(I took a sip,
to loosen up.
forgot my shift,
to nurse my cuts.
your knocks upon,
my lonely door,
i opened up,
your face adored)

1999 -

(my feet found floor,
my parent's room,
i walked in song,
my mind in tune)

1993 -

(your shadowed face,
i can't replace,
such words I meant,
but couldn't say.
i wish you'd stayed,
i wondered things,
your absent ghost,
i never faced)

don't let me down,
if you did, i'd be fine.
for the seconds and minutes,
i felt you were mine.
if you're here, come tomorrow,
i will pray we're alright.
you will stay in my thoughts,
for the rest of my life.

the sun is bright,
your job is terrible.
you're always tired,
you can't sleep.
your words are grey,
without a drink.

but that's okay,
you need a rest,
no more goodbyes.
your family loves you,
stay a while.
how do i say I'm terrified?

wednesday, i stopped,
threw the rain to the shore,
didn't care for the pain,
cause i loved your face more.
if you see me in pieces,
they're all things i adore,
if this pain was a prison,
you're an unlocked door.

you sat in my pew,
just to hear what I'd say,
you waited in rain,
but you stayed, all the same.
i told you goodnight,
knew you wouldn't believe,
then you walked out the door,
carved initials in trees.
we made our way home,
but i wasn't myself,
and you asked me what's wrong,
to the ground, then i fell.
i woke to your hand,
you are all that i need,
if you left, then I'd leave,
you're the best thing I've seen.

your eyes were a riverbed,
my hands like a branch.
my voice was a hummingbird,
thoughts in quicksand.
the waves carried everything,
moved by the moon,
there's a light in my hand,
and it glows in this room.

cant wait to let this edge go,
the promise in my eyes,
i swear to God I've tried,
all the water turned to wine,
i drank it all to lose some time,
not quick enough to dull the shine.
i wish that i was never yours,
cause never was i ever mine.

found you in my darkest days,
a love I'd have no other way.
i tried to pull but still i stayed,
for once, i cannot walk away.

wouldn't trade all this fire,
for a second of breath.
all the heart in my words,
will outlive my own death.

run, i'm afraid,
of the man i have made.
i made my mid-twenties,
i have simply stayed.
but i hope you are proud,
of how well i have aged.
so i hope you are well,
and i hope you're okay.

i found you in dust,
your face, like first love,
my favorite picture,
no need to adjust.
you're better than fear,
and you're all that i want,
i won't let you go,
you are all that i sought.

tracing lines on my skin,
every pressure within,
all my lies become kin,
can't relate, all the pain (I am in)

pompusly pulling,
a treasured sin,
i pushed you apart,
i'm here again.
i won't hold my words,
but you hate when i turn,
i'm away in my depths,
makes a person, I'm less,
all the love that you give,
i have learned to love stress.
all the reasons to breathe,
i remove my best guess.

these words, couldn't show you,
though love has been so true,
i couldn't love back,
every year, i was trying,
your body was dying,
but slowly your soul,
inching closer to mine.
couldn't hold it, i stared,
then i sat and i cried.
all good things that were true,
i convinced them to lie.

the sun and the moon,
they carried me home.
the stars lit a sign,
that i wasn't alone.
i was dizzily distant,
desperately indifferent.
your love stretched the sky,
and your mouth marked the ends.

i'd rather die,
than hold another drink again.
i lost myself,
i've lost my friends.
my family's love, i still ignore,
but still it knows no end.

to whom it may concern,
i'm more than this,
and all my faults.
it's hard to stand,
i often fall.

i hugged you in my work clothes,
kissed your cheek and said goodbye.
walking towards a door in noon,
my weightless tears in cornered eyes.
stepped inside our favorite room,
christmas lights, their flickered swoon.
i must have lost you twice a day,
your arms ignite the dying flame.

blurry nights,
broken with your face,
seducing words,
i wouldn't say.
be my angel,
say my name.
make me happy,
in our days.
so much to learn,
so say i'm sane,
i wouldn't have it any other way.

farewell to death,
the breaking of hearts.
so long to tension,
replacing our start.
goodbye to fear,
the hole it creates,
trembling in sorrow,
the words we can't say.

shots for every scar i caused,
and everything you ever loved,
was every thing i never saw.

six packs a night,
i missed your flight,
i lost myself amidst the time.

a torrid day, i took your face,
it pressed to mine without a say,
wishing i would be okay.

i drank, i left, i drank some more,
i found a soul i soon adored.
too late in love, i wasn't sure.

i'm wasted, sorry,
i loved you too,
the sun was all you ever were,
my voice a silent moon.

stayed up all night,
your love in that light,
there's gnats in my life,
kind of sweet,
knowing, well, what's just right.

limiting,
fidgeting,
beginning,
in capturing,
your soul so captivating.

leave a light on,
following like moths,
in a suffocating summer night.

i love all our smiles,
when we think the same thing.
keeping tradition,
and staying the same.
leaving our loved ones,
to feel a bit sane.
you're the flower in bloom,
and my soul is the rain.

scared of my hands,
cause i know what they'll do:
they can strangle my soul,
or they can hold on to you.

watch it rise to your nose,
feelings tossed in your sea,
do you have self-control,
as you come after me?
will you tear me apart,
am i flesh you can use?
damaged goods in her eyes,
i can handle abuse.
kept your teeth on my lips,
with your black opened eyes,
i will keep mine both shut,
while i feel my blood rise.

i don't know where you're going,
but I'm grateful as sin,
to have known all your pieces,
and places you've been.
i hope somewhere nice,
filled with thousands of lights.
where the days are more bearable,
especially their nights.