how does it feel
trying to connect
to be open
and vulnerable
to quickly regret everything new
and everything you've become
after losing yourself

tender but strong
a paradox
i have not yet mastered

i've never been lonely by myself
my loneliness has been the worst
when i'm around people i've moved past
when i have separated myself from the toxic
but they're still around
that is the loneliest

where is the line
between dream and nightmare
when the dreams just make you
crave nostalgia
make you sad the rest of the day
are nightmares only supposed to be scary

do you suddenly feel lonely
across from someone you love
questioning why it isn't someone else
and upset at yourself you're questioning
instead of enjoying

all i know
is i have you
to the ends of the earth
to the ends of everything
i have you

i didn't realize how quickly the walls move in
for when you feel nothing
and you're trying to just make it through
you only feel the walls cave in
you can only feel devastation

there's a difference between
being open and being insane
privacy still needs exist
not everyone deserves your thoughts
you need to hear them first

i never understood the obsession
of power
of control over something else
unsure if that means
i'm someone that someone wants power over
or if i have always had the power myself

the hopeless romantic
longs to be a muse
but what if
you're the muse of
heartbreak
pain
sorrow

you didn't give me what i wanted
you gave me what  i needed

testing what balance is
is something i'll never learn
too cold to too overbearing
always so close to completely burning

i don't know why there's still this pull
i'm content
and then
you come back
i know we wouldn't be happy together
or if i'm not actually happy where i'm at
but every day i'm drawn
everything is in question

craving that fresh air
from the mountains and the old trees
giving off the feelings of freedom
feelings of wisdom
and knowledge that being alone
doesn't always mean being lonely

i thought i wanted someone to calm my storm
until i realized calming me was useless
i'd fight until i was told this was too much
so i found someone that encouraged the tornado
they did not strike me down
they encouraged but redirected
i never needed my storm to be calm
i needed someone who loved the storm i am

in that moment
i felt everything shatter
i was yours
and you were mine
always

euphoric
the chase to obtain
feels anything but

i used to be okay
to be alone
independent
until i learned what it's like
to be partners
and now
i'll throw myself into anything
just to feel wanted again

simultaneously knowing how loved you are
but grasping to know why
you're still so lonely

every so often
the thought of you enters
and it's equally paralyzing and maddening
why should i let you occupy so many of my thoughts when I know deep down
you don't let me occupy any of yours?

occasionally it's hard to breathe
i want to live a life by my own accord
but also
i want you to find the life i lead
so harmonious to what you want
and that disconnect?
incapacitating

"what a beautiful time of your life"
everyone exclaims
would they still say that if they knew
the emptiness
the depth of pain
the longing for anything beyond this moment

you say i'm chaotic
i'm dramatic
but i prefer lively,
spirited, independent
i have 1000 and one dreams and aspirations
and a great fear of shallow living
so i want everything done now
and i want to have felt everything already

you say i'm chaotic
i say full of life
of potential love
i had allowed you to see my mess, my frantic, need-to-see-it-all side of me
because i thought you wanted everything you could squeeze out of life
just like i do

you say dramatic
but i don't do anything half
i feel either everything or nothing
and after your words
i feel nothing for you anymore

i'm not sorry for wanting more of you
because i always want more for me
for the people i care about
and i tore down walls to care about you
but thank you for those feelings
and contributing to my own beautiful chaos
just like i added to yours for that bit

the scars from you
both visible and unseeable
but i don't know which one
i'll show off first
when the next begs me to open up
but the scars are too much
and they always leave
and then i always have a new scar
for the next broken promise

i'm wild
i'll always prize myself on that
and you?
you always prize yourself
that for a little while
you tamed me

there had to be something
a reason
that we both denied
but everyone seemed to comment
we were there for each other

meditative
to sit with people in silence
the ones who know your darkest thoughts
darkest feelings
and they don't need to say anything
you just know they're there
and the presence
is enough to pause your demons

am i attracted to the tropics
because of the beauty
or because it's the only thing guaranteed
to make me feel warm
even for a moment

maybe the issue is we were both too much
both too bright for flames and we
fought instead of supported

maybe we each need our own oxygen
our own wood
to burn brighter without each other
rather than fighting for air

how weird is it
growing up,
you were the best
you were going to make something out of yourself
and today
what you should be doing
and the procrastination that has never been an issue before
is crippling
humiliating
you're trying to be better
to be okay with taking it easy
but every so often
the shame and panic sets in
and you can't even do the basics
how do you explain it to people
people who say
"i'm still proud of you"
but
that doesn't matter
you're not proud of who you are
and wanting to be proud of yourself
when you feel so productive and mediocre
is the hardest heartbreak you ever have to endure?

maybe it's a good thing you left
you gave up
said i'm too much
but i'm just full
and i need someone just as full
so we can overflow together
and i'll never be told i'm too much again
so thank you

i want closure
but i need connection
trying to find a way to reach out to you
isn't going to give me either
so why do i keep wanting to?

i'm to the point that you don't even cross my mind
no angry "i'll be sure not to reach out"
just finally the neutral
"i don't even care"
and i truly, truly thought i didn't care

until
the notification pops up,
your name flashing across my screen
and i don't know what to do
how to feel,
i forget how to breathe

how'd you know i was over you before i even knew
and how did you know to reach out to me
because now i'm not sure of anything
least of all how over you i actually was

when our eyes meet
there's so much warmth
so much love, trust, comfort
i shouldn't have anything to doubt
and yet,
whatever i'm craving
i'm terrified you won't satisfy it
but what's wrong with me to refuse something that should be perfect