how does it feel
trying to connect
to be open
and vulnerable
to quickly regret everything new
and everything you've become
after losing yourself

i used to be okay
to be alone
independent
until i learned what it's like
to be partners
and now
i'll throw myself into anything
just to feel wanted again

am i attracted to the tropics
because of the beauty
or because it's the only thing guaranteed
to make me feel warm
even for a moment

every so often
the thought of you enters
and it's equally paralyzing and maddening
why should i let you occupy so many of my thoughts when I know deep down
you don't let me occupy any of yours?

occasionally it's hard to breathe
i want to live a life by my own accord
but also
i want you to find the life i lead
so harmonious to what you want
and that disconnect?
incapacitating