I could write about my New Years resolutions, how I want to live a healthier lifestyle, how I want to find something I’m passionate about, how I want to see more of the world

But I also want to find love again, within myself, within the people I am surrounded by, with someone who understands that love doesn’t conquer all and they will meet me in the middle.

Instead of writing about how heartbroken and sad I am, I want to write about how I’ve fallen in love again.

2022 will come with it’s challenges but I want the mental stability to accept those challenges.

Do you think it’s quite possible to be addicted to someone?

We talk about addictions surrounding alcohol, cigarettes and other extra curricular’s but

I could go months without a drop of alcohol but I can’t seem to go twenty four hours without a message from him

I don’t know the best course to take here, is there such thing as cold turkey from someone so addicting?

I feel the effects of the addiction to him coming on strong, I can feel in my heart that he doesn’t make me happy anymore but for some reason, I can’t let him go and it frustrates me to no end.

I can tell my heart is just not in it anymore
Overtime, I just sort of fizzled out
All the hours I spent, time, and energy
I dread having to go back there but I know for one thing, and it’s that, I do love my people I’ve met along the way
Realizing that I do not enjoy my job anymore has been eye opening and heartbreaking
I can move along the way the river intended, always drifting and always changing
However, I will miss my people when I go and it’s time for me to go soon.

This journey that him and I have been on has not been without it’s trials
It’s near misses
It’s almosts
It’s “how about another time?”

It’s been quite a journey these passed few years and I know in my heart that I’m ready for new adventures

He has to stay and go on his own
He can’t come with me this time

It took a long time for me to get to this point, this moment, this freeing moment

And I’ve come out stronger because of it

I had wanted it to be until the end of my life but only made its way to the end of this chapter of my life

I do not grieve it

I do not wish things were different anymore

A journey where we lose people is normal, I do not wish I wasn’t losing him

I wish him well and health

But I wish happiness for me along the way

It’s time to stop trying, to stop giving and receiving the same result in the end

Why can I just move on from you?

Why won’t you just let me go?

Just because he doesn’t call me names and makes me feel low about myself, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Just because he doesn’t make me question my confidence and self reassurance, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Just because I don’t lie awake crying over him, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Just because he’s not making me feel as if I shouldn’t love myself, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Sometimes I lay awake wondering if I mean anything to him at all

Sometimes I want him to message me during the day to let me know he thinks about me instead of late at night when I know he’s had a couple drinks

Sometimes I wish he would get angry with me just so I know he truly cares about me

I don’t cry myself to sleep over him, but I lose sleep over him

I don’t question whether I love myself, I question if he loves me correctly and in the way I deserve

Sometimes I wish I could let him go, just for the sake of finding someone who knows