Dearest Jailyah,
You died a placental death.
Did you know that?
I wish you hadn't.

I never met you.
I merely have a photo of you on my phone.
You are one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen.
You are my cousin, never to be forgotten.

Did you know that the name Jayla means 'a gift from the God'?
You really are a gift.
You had slightly dark skin, and dark brown hair.
Like all babies, you had blue eyes but as you got older they would have turned brown like your parents'.

Nessa, your mother, really misses you.
She cried when she found out you didn't live.
She loves you and the rest of her many other children.
Never forget that. Never ever.

I can't stop thinking about how we would have visited you in a few weeks, and then again in a year.
Of how we would have given you a very girly outfit for your birthday, because then at least someone in the family didn't walk around in jeans all the time.
We'll think about you every day. You'll live in our hearts.
I'll miss you forever and always. I'll love you - forever and always.

Conflict.
War.
Battle.
Call it what you want. It is all silly.

Why do we do this?
Why do we fight for land?
Does it give us satisfaction when we drive a sword through another's chest?
From what I've heard, no.

So, why then?
Because really, if this goes on...
There will be a day when humans will destroy each other.
There will be nothing left. We'll have to take drastic measures.

If we weren't so obsessed with money and land, then maybe we could change the world.
Completely get rid of poverty.
Help others.
So, in general, the world would be a better place.

Tomorrow won't be kinder.
Tomorrow won't be a better place.
Unless we show we are worthy of a better place.
Then, maybe, just maybe, there will be one.

"We're fickle, stupid beings with poor memories and great gift for self-destruction.
But who knows? Maybe this is it. The time it sticks.
Maybe we are witnessing the evolution of the human race.
Think about that."

Alyra, remember that day?
That day at the park?
You were three, and I was eleven.
We went to the park with Daddy, Mummy, Molly, Arielle, Ella, Erin, and Pete.

Remember? You played on the playground with Ella and Arielle.
While Erin was teaching me to play basketball.
It was around August, so not too hot.
After we ate lunch, the big kids played touch footy while you went to the sandpit.

At the end is the day, when everyone was talking, you presented me with a big bunch of dandelions.
I told you and the girls to collect some more and I'll make jewelry with them?
You would take off that silly neckless for hours until it broke.
Then, I plaited  flowers through your hair. You looked even more beautiful then you already are.

Just before sunset we danced and danced and danced.
That was the day you taught me 'Doggy Doggy'.
We watched the sunset - all of us.
You were sitting on my lap telling me about your day at kindy the day before.

Alyra, baby girl, try and remember.
Because one day, you won't be a baby girl anymore.
You'll just have memories.
That is why I hang on to them so hard. Because I never want to forget. And I never will. Not when it comes to you.

Some kids at school don't like me. That much is obvious.
But the problem is, I don't like me.
But really, how could you like me? With my limp brown hair, and my grey-blue eyes, its pretty obvious I'm no beauty.
My parents don't know.

And then, there is my brain.
Sure I may be in the class that excels in education, but compared to everyone else in the class, I am as dumb someone who can't spell 'car'.
I hate being me. I hate myself.
My first kiss was at a party as a dare. I mean, come on.

I don't deserve to be School Captain.
She deserves it.
She is a better person than me
I must punish myself.

I skip my next class, run home.
Get these things: 1.8 metres of rope, a hammer, an empty glass bottle, a knife, a chair, salt, a pen, and some paper.
I go into the bathroom.
Write a note about how sorry I am to my friends and family.

I smash the bottle. I draw pictures on my arm with it. Using my blood as ink.
I look in the mirror. I see a crazy girl staring back at me. "I hate you! You are worthless!" I scream.
I grab the hammer, smash the mirror.
Use the broken pieces to draw patterns into my leg. Rub salt into the wounds.

I am feeling weak. I am hurting. I am feeling dizzy.
Nearly there. Nearly done.
I grab the knife, slit my wrists.
It hurts. I scream in agony. Blood is streaming out.

I sit on the chair, sobbing into my hands.
I sit up, and try to make a hangman noose.
I can't. I'm too weak. Instead, I rub the rope against my neck until it is red raw.
Finally, when it is all done, I sit on the floor and think, just think.

My parents will find me. I will be featured in the news. I can see it now:
'Human Ragdoll - Girl kills herself in family bathroom, but not before torturing herself.'
Next it will say: 'Parents of the girl say, "We had no idea. We thought she was fine." what is the world coming to?'
Of course you didn't know. Not that you ever took the time to care, I think.

I can hear my parents walking through the door.
I whisper "Goodbye." and I can feel myself fading away. Today was fun.
My father walks through the bathroom door. He holds me and whispers "Stay with me baby, I love you."
I get time for an "I love you too." before I am pulled into darkness.

Love is not needed.
Makes you weak and vulnerable.
We're wasting our time.

Growing up too fast.
Facing the real world too soon.
'Cause Dad isn't there.

If you go searching through the bush
And look under some rocks,
You'll find a little fairy sprite
In bright green stripy socks.

Upon her head she wears alei
Of bright and colourful flowers.
And when it rains she collects the drops
And that is how she showers!

She wears a dress of golden silk
She's spun from cocoons in the trees,
It's glued together with native honey
She's stolen from the bees.

But if you try to trap her
And keep her for yourself,
You'll be turned into a warty toad
By her friend the elf.

I want you to have something to remember me by,
When photos fade and memories leave,
Not what poeple shaped me to be,
NO, me, just plain me,
The me that liked going to the movies with friends,
The me that talked to you when i couldn't talk to others,
The me that loved sharing secrets,
The me that saw life form a different perspective,
The me that cherished every day that came,
The me that loved writning poems,
And more importantly the me that you knew,
So I'm writning this for you,
So you'll have something to remember me by,
When photos fade and memories leave,
Don't forget that there will always be our friendship,
So if you need me you'll know I'll always be there evn when I'm not.

written by maegan cattermull