To my father time,
my keeper of clocks whose minute hand
never clicks too fast for my growing mind,
whose hand was always held out to help me over curbs
and over mountains
Leading me to the path he’d knew I needed to walk down the most.
To the gray hair I loved to brush through as a child, with paintbrush fingers
and as an adult discreetly smell with each long, over due hug.
To the man I loved first and the one I give thanks for
every last thanksgiving.
The one whose eyes held the same color as mine
and when I looked into them saw I us both
picking flowers down the street
but father time
your eyes were always slightly different than mine
they had a touch of yellow that I could never,  in my own eyes find
but how I wanted that same hue of gold.
To be touched by your Midas eyes I thought I could uncover the world
but I can’t. You are too far away and I miss you
and I can no longer feel the warmth of those yellow specks
only the black of your pupils that are
deeper than the ocean and I am a fish without gills forever trying
to swim toward the orange light the sun yields each morning
only to be stuck in mud  
forever waiting  for your glowing second hand to touch me again each hour
and remind me to look for gold in blackness
and that I have the same eyes as yours, that can turn minute hands into
years of arms and mud into gold.

I wonder if I had the choice would I
yell for time to travel way back?
I want it to so much now,
For time to slowly inch its way back.
Or to at least to avoid this situation,
To have never walked into this place.
Because now I'm not really living
While I'm watching you with her.
I watch as you kiss her neck.
And it makes me miss you so much.
And I should be living
Because I can hear the clock ticking over my head.
But this is what happens to me
When someone scoops out my heart
And leaves me with an empty heart-shaped shell.
It is the oddest feeling.
I think it might feel like death.
But why shouldn't you be blissfully happy,
with her?
I ask.
Maybe it hurts so much
And that is the reason
I don't want you to become two.
Or maybe it is
Because she was prettier than me,
Taller than I am,
Or skinnier than I could ever try to be.
I was never enough.
Not for you.
Maybe my heart is just broken.
Don't worry.
Because I realized that fairy-tales don't exist for every little girl.
And I'll just leave you with her
All wrapped up in your magical world.
You won't see me.
And I'll walk out of the door.
With a scooped out heart,
Only a shell of a heart
To leave you unaware and wrapped up in your own fairy tale.
And maybe someday I'll be able to look at those magical dust filled pages
Without a single pang of regret.
But for now my heart-shaped shell
Cannot take the pain.
And I can try to yell for time to quick click backwards,
In hopes the memories will erase forever,
So I won't have to remember you with her.

nineteen candles on her birthday cake
and she hides the scars, all her mistakes
and the way the knife felt, hidden in hand
she knew that no one would understand
so she carried her secret, heavy and thick
and she knew what it was like to feel sick
the sadness brought her to her knees
black and cold, lost in this disease
her mind hurts, her heart feels dead
she feels so lost inside her head
and there's relief, sweet and fast
if only she could make it last
but with each cut she goes deep
all she wants to do is sleep
and forget she was never enough

Every time she is near me I am assaulted by memories
I would rather forget. Her perfume will not leave my senses.
Her face my dreams.
Every time we pass must we make idle conversation?
Let us be better people and pretend to watch birds singing in the trees.
At least they are happy.
Walk through me if not around me. I am more spirit now.
Men would give up completely without their delusions.
Look at me for example. Being over her is easy. I do it every day.
Till morning wanes to afternoon.
Three hours since I thought her name. Or put my head in an oven.
She passes me in the corridor wishing me well and everything aches
Greys. Falls like snow against the window pane.
I forget half the words she says, but know every inch of the warmth
She has granted me with those wide and welcome arms.
How can she be so blind? And yet so lovely.
I have seen her walk around a fly so as not to hurt it.
And yet she kills me so easily. Drowned in kisses.
Yes. Nice to see you too. You look well.
Perfection.
No I have not met someone else yet. Yes. I deserve the best.
But I do not want the best. I want her.
You think me alive? You are talking to a ghost.
Let me be, breath and I shall forgive all evils.
Leave me alone and I shall feel the warmth of the sun
Again on my cheeks.
Tomorrow I shall be free. Tomorrow she will lose her power over me.
But today is all I need. Today I will say hello.
And ask she never leave me.

I've been here before
So much so that all I can do is grin
Grin at the fact that I've yet to learn my lesson
Or maybe I just have bad luck
After repeated offenses I can't be upset
Nor can I cry or **** God
All I can do is grin, sigh and think
Think about what I attract and how I've come to this
Emotionally unavailable yet willing to risk it all for the one?
Are these men a mirror image of me and I of them?

I want you
The one that has no time
The one that is selfish
The one that acts like he doesn't care or doesn't act just really doesn't
The one that just got out of a situation therefore "needs" time

To be bitter and naive? I don't have the energy
These mirrors don't lie
And until I learn my lesson will these mirrors then die

Dear daddy,
Where have you been?
You've left a hole in my heart
that will never mend.
Dear daddy,
Where did you go?
I haven't seen you in so long,
and oh, I miss you so.
Dear daddy,
When will you return?
All this time you've been gone,
it makes my heart burn.
Dear daddy,
Take me away from here.
Out of all I'm scared of,
never leaving is my biggest fear.
Dear daddy,
I can forget the past.
But now I'm warning you,
you better come get me fast.
Dear daddy,
I don't know where you are.
But my heart is telling me
that you aren't very far.
Dear daddy,
It's been over five years.
And even though you haven't come,
I'm still waiting here...