i crumble into my thoughts like
cookie monster is crushing my heart.
it’s painful
yet painless.

i’m sitting in a body
that i don’t know anymore.
i’m a crumbled cookie
in a monster’s hand.

i’m falling down into a hole.
the way i cope is through words.
but when you can’t find the ones
to express the way you feel
you fall
deep
deep
& deeper
into that hole.

“just come home”
i can’t
i don’t know where it is anymore
a place? a person?
i don’t know anymore
& it hurts not knowing.

i’d do anything for you
but would you do that for me too?

i used to think a definitive yes
but i’m not so sure anymore.

so i swallowed my thoughts
like bubblegum
& went back to just existing.

promises.
they either mean
nothing or everything.
& for them to mean everything
is something so different,
that a lot of the time they
end up meaning nothing.

it feels so nice
to see your name on my screen;
to know you’re there again
having a conversation with me.

i wonder
if you still think about me.
i wonder
if you think about our first kiss.
i wonder
if you think about our first sleepover.
i wonder
if you think about us
and what we had,
and miss it
like i do.