January

More than anything else, I have to find me first; 
but I don’t want to forget you.

February
"Don’t worry, I’ll tell you until there are no more words to say.” 

You just shook your head. 

I tried to explain when I woke up this morning

just beneath the surface,

but I’d lost my ability to speak.

How strange.

March

I dreamt of my very being

keeping the city safe

up until the day it rained.

April

I finally understood that Love herself 
is a “four letter word”.

May*

Well my darling,

I’ll have to forget me to know where I’ve gone. 

Open your eyes.

June
*
But now you’re gone, just a few days later, 

to keep us both alive.

I held out the matches with no real reason why.

Just go.

July
Just like that, I watch your head spin.

My fingers tingle, and I can breathe.

August

“How do you like it?” 

It's falling together.. 

I’d seen it since the beginning. 

Even so, I miss the days when things were simple.

September* came and went with no evidence or new scars.

October
*
Nature can’t make up her mind about me either.

I still have the pictures to prove it.

November

The music is pure, but I barely notice.

December
*
It’s beautiful,

Getting hopelessly lost
until I can barely distinguish my own penmanship.”

A little girl with the bluest eyes I'd ever seen
asked me if I know what happens when we die.
I smiled, and was about to answer when she said,
Don't worry. I'll tell you.

My mommy says it's like a big party,
and everyone that I know will be there,
each one having the time of his life.
Mommy says that God will have
chicken nuggets and Mac and cheese there
just for me, because he knows it's my favorite!
Isn't that sweet?

She smiled again, and went on to tell of
streets of gold, and a place
without pain, illness, or death-
a utopia of sorts,
and a God who made it all,
and who loves me specifically.

Her mother called out
Sophia! What did I say about talking to strangers sweetie?
Come here!
Sophia smiled, told me
she couldn't wait to see me again in heaven,
and went running off with her ponytail
swinging from one shoulder to another...
leaving me wishing that I believed it too.

After all, I really love mac and cheese.

My body's sprawled out on the beach,
Salt water slowly nearing.
While I do not enjoy the water,
My sun-burnt legs are searing.

Cool water covers my sand-caked thighs,
Washes discomfort away.
If life was like the beach,
Troubles would be soaked with that salty spray.

She had an explorer's intuition
and a head full of dreams
that would suffocate
in this one light town.

I'd seen it since the beginning

and had to suppress
my selfish urge
to clip her wings
and keep her here.

But even so,
as we said our goodbyes
my eyes filled with hot tears.

I'll miss you so much
My voice cracked audibly.

Don't worry, Love.
I'm only beginning a new adventure.
Turning a new leaf.
Starting a new chapter.

I'll be back before you know...

And with that she was gone.
I waited until her plane took off,
and thanked God that I knew her.

As we sat at lunch that day
(it seems so long ago now),
I tried to explain the ins
and outs of my breakup,
but burst into tears instead.
You're a boy,
and I forgive you for that;
but just like the typical boy,
you didn't quite know
how to hold
a sobbing female.
Figures.
But you tried anyway,
and I appreciate it.
In one fluid motion,
your arms were about me,
holding me to your chest
while I tried to refill my lungs with air.
Even through the snot and tears,
I could smell your laundry detergent,
and was comforted.
In that moment,
I could feel your heart race.

*But what you'll never know is mine did too.

Music encompasses
My very being.
It's not a passion,
But a lifeblood.
Stay in tune,
Be inspired.

For me,
writing a poem is like
opening the floodgates to my soul.
My thoughts
pour onto the tattered pages;
I let go of emotional control.

For moments,
just a few precious moments,
My racing mind finds unmistakable peace.
I finish,
and return to my mundane routine
finally feeling like I can breathe.

What about you?

I need you to love me.
Is that so hard to do?
I have the gracious love of others,
but the thing is, it's not you.

I want you to want me.
Don't you want it too?
I can see the longing in your eyes,
it's one you can't subdue.

Don't lie to me.
Can you tell me the truth?
Foundations are not built on lies;
let's not be uncouth.

Don't make me cry.
Are you empowered when I'm broken?
Could these words that bring such pain,
just be left unspoken?

If you do these things, you'll get my love;
my love, my time, my heart.
I trust you, and I love you.
Please, don't tear me apart.

I look at you
Or what's more,
Look through you.

I miss the days
When things were simple.
You and I...
We used to catch fireflies
Every Friday night in summer,
And have races to the pool
at the end of the road.
And even though you usually won,
I always ran with you
Because in that moment
Nothing else mattered.
Your eyes lit up,
And your infectious smile
Spread across the street.

Now, we're going into senior year
And I don't see you anymore.
I see through you.
Right through you.

On good days,
I can almost see a jar of fireflies
In your 9 year old hands.

This time, her apology came in the form
of a caramel macchiatto
on a Tuesday morning.
No words:
just scalding coffee and gritted teeth
received by timid fingers
and pursed lips.

And it was enough for me,
until I realized that
all the sugar packets in the state
couldn't sweeten her words
or soothe my burnt tongue.

The shattered glass
severed the silence
between our breaking
hearts.

Broken promises and broken bones;
Makeup to cover her scars.
He beats her, yet she won't accept the fact
That only leaving will keep her in tact.

He'll hit her, then confess his love.
She'll fall for him all over again.
Every time she's bruised and battered,
He doesn't mind that her heart's been shattered.

She can make excuses for him,
And she'll continue in doing so.
They will be to no avail...
The bruises tell a different tale.

I've lied to those I love;
I've done things I regret.
But forgiveness comes, like the mourning dove,
Reminding me to not hurt again.

I've stolen time that wasn't mine
To take, to use, to prosper.
I've picked a fight; I've paid a fine
As reconciliation for my sins.

My last confession, I try to hide
From others, and even myself.
But it doesn't matter how hard I try,
I will never be perfect.

It's silly really
Sifting through picture
After picture
Just trying to find
The perfect image
To sum me up.
I don't even know
What it is that I'm
So desperately seeking after.
I've forgotten my purpose,
And doomed myself to choose
An image, not of me,
But of something else
Because honestly,
Using an image of myself is
technically me,
But I'm so much more than an image.
Sometimes I think
It would be better
To choose a random object,
Than a mere reflection of the hypocrite inside.

It's been 4 weeks exactly.
That's 28 days.
but in these past 28 days,
you've crossed my mind
more than 28 times.
Far more.
I pretend to listen in AP Lang,
but, really, i just sit there
and wonder how you are,
if you're moving on,
or if you're already there. . .
i worry that you're not getting enough rest,
and that you're having bad dreams.
i wonder if you see beauty in the world
like you used to.
I wonder if you're keeping up with precalc,
and taking your melatonin so your pesky
insomnia
won't keep you up..
Remember how you never used to take it?
Because you could fall asleep without trouble
as long as you heard my voice
that night.
You fell in love with
a voice,
and then me.
It's really kind of silly.
But then again, so did i.
I've read your latest poems,
and they both made me cry.
My eyes have leaked many times
since I last heard your voice. . .
But don't worry,
I'm not angry.
I just wonder about you,
and hope you're well,
or at least getting there.

*But most of all, I wonder if you ever think of me.

Each night,
You sleep next to me.
Every night,
I watch your chest rise
and fall with each deep breath
You take.
I can't help but wonder
Each and every night
What I would do if
your breathing suddenly
*stopped.

The most beautiful smile I've ever seen
was accompanied by crinkled eyes,
and a figure so lean
(and don't forget those laugh lines!)
It lit up every room, and brightened any day,
and the eyes above it sparkled with compassion,
Until Death's cold grip snatched her away.

Deep green eyes radiate a fear of inadequacy. . .
and intensity i'm not sure i'm capable of withstanding.
They tell me the horrors of your past,
and of the words which your lips lack the ability to form...
but we both need to hear them.

"You really loved him,
Didn't you?"

My perfectly pink lips quiver
As hot tears brim my eyes.
I nod my head yes;
Of course I did.
But I loved him much more
Than just a nod.
He was a deep breath
Of fresh air,
A shooting star
Across a jet black sky,
The split second silence
Under a highway bridge
In the pouring rain.

But I could only nod.

"Smile, darling.
You have so much ahead of you."

But once again, I could
Muster only a nod.
A disbelieving nod,
But a nod just the same.

And I just wanna tell you,
You forgave and I won't forget.
Some day, you will go away from this.

So glide away on soapy heels,
And promise not to promise anymore.
You've gotta be kind to yourself.

Now my only chance to talk to you
Is through my prayers;
I only wanted to tell you I care.
But I am blind,
I cannot find the heart I gave to you.

when i look at you
i see our future
in your eyes.

I gasp for air
that simply isn't
mine to
breathe.

The wind catches the sails
and lifts up my arms
to praise a god
I don't believe in.

I spent last summer on the lake behind your farm,
Casting my line, with no luck.
The sun beat down and freckled my face;
The wind tossed my hair about.
I discovered myself that summer,
And the funny thing is. . .

I never caught a fish.

Her tear-filled eyes glance down to me,
But she quickly averts her gaze.
She knows not what to do at that point,
For she can only change her ways.

"What do you do when the one that you love,
Makes home-life seem but a war?
And what can you do when words aren't enough
To heal the perpetual sores?"

I smile sheepishly, and keeping my gaze down,
I let the thoughts race through my fragile mind.
After a few silent moments, I look up and say,
*"Mom, it's time to say goodbye."

You had the nerve, the sheer audacity,
To come in smelling of cigarettes and
Cheap alcohol.
Everything seemed to stop at that moment,
Except you
Slowly stumbling toward me
Clearly drunk,
With a cigarette dangling
from your fingertips.
I could smell you before I saw you...
The scent of failure
And desperation wafted though the air.
Bravo, babe.
You've done it again.
But you were always right,
Weren't you.
Even when you were wrong,
You were right 'cause
You couldn't stand to lose
To a stupid, spineless woman
Like myself.
You'll never get over me.
I'm the best thing
That has ever happened to you,
*****
Nobody's gonna come,
Wanting my used up sloppy seconds.
I'll always hold a piece of your heart,
To shatter as I please.
Sure enough, you do.
I tried to convince myself that you
Had no influence over me any more.
But you proved me wrong,
Stomped all over the few shards of dignity
That I still clung to.
Does that make you feel like a man?
After that you turned around and stumbled out,
With an air of self satisfaction about you...
And I finally realized something.
You might have had a hold on my heart
This very morning,
But you no longer do.
After all, you can't hold something
That doesn't exist anymore.