This abundant love I offer to myself,
most do not understand,
But I stand ready all the time
to love my being regardless of flaws
For no one else is better than I with matters of my heart
Let alone to fix that which is broken from deep within
No matter what case maybe, I'll always be able to suture it back to stability
Admirer of love tranquility
Survival of the most patient in love
Balance restored

I find it implausible that someone could hurt a person whom they claim they love. Perhaps we underestimate the depth of love. So no! I don't believe in the theory that "It is those who love us that tend to hurt us the most". And it breaks my heart that you believe that's how love is. When life hurts, love will remedy. That's the theory you should live by, now let that sink in.

Sometimes in winter...when it's warm indoors,
I open the window a little bit to let air in.
I love that tingling feeling of cold air on my skin,
For some reason it awakens me
A little reminder that I can still feel.
Is that weird?

Look, you and I are clearly on different pages. You treat me like garbage, to you am just a parcel that gets you laid once in a while. I don't get anything in return from you; no emotion, no connection, no appreciation and not even an ******. I become mute when am with you, you take away my voice and it's because you always say I disrespect you each time I try to stand my ground or say something. That is oppression and I cannot live like that. It's been almost 2 years and we still in the same position, there is no "flow" to go along with. I am exhausted of trying to make something out of this because it's evident you want nothing more and I don't want to push you. I deserve better treatment than what you are giving me, I deserve happiness, I deserve someone who appreciates me and mostly I deserve someone who is at least making an effort. I think you need to figure out what you want in a woman besides *** and I can't stick around while you do that. "I sincerely hope that your soul finds peace. You broke me but it was only because you were broken. I will heal because I know I need to but I worry that you'll never realize that you are in need of healing". I am sorry for expecting more than you could offer. I am genuinely sorry for wanting to be your woman. I am sorry for liking you more than you could handle

Do good deeds umpteen times, observe as they go unheeded
Do a bad deed once and listen to the fuss like bees on nectar
In either case put out your hands, catch the falling pieces of your broken heart
Gather all crumbles from your shuttered kindness
Piece them together and soldier on
Understand that this is life, you can never really satisfy anyone
But know God is watching

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

You treat me like crap, even with the most simplest and little things you ought to be doing you still fail to do your best towards me. I have been nothing but good and patient with you. I never understood what we were doing hence I always asked and yet I never got an answer except all I got was "take things slow". You only call when you "need" me,and you get angry when I don't let you hit it which means that I am nothing more than a *******. I can't blame you thou, I blame myself for thinking that I could be more than that. Truth is I want more, I deserve more, I deserve better. And clearly you cannot give me that, I can't even say you have tried. Life is too short to be taking things slow and only being contacted whenever convenient for you. So, whatever relationship we had or whatever we were up to...I am through with it. I want to loved, cared for and mostly taken care of. Life is way too short to be around someone who doesn't feel the same about you. This is goodbye

Hesitating to answer the question "would you ever go back" is as bad as being unsure about what you currently possess

For the sake of our own sanity we convince ourselves that everything happens for a reason although we may not know that reason. In all truth and honesty things happen because they happen. **** knows why.

LOBOLA
Let me drift you away from the idea that lobola is buying your wife. No! It isn't. As black families, we believe that parents raise kids and once the kids have grown and are independent they get to now take care of their parents. Now! We know that once you get married, that might change because now you will be having your own family to take care of. We know that as men, that never really changes...you still get to take care of your parents and a family of your own hence there is no lobola for men. Now as women, we acknowledge that you are going to get married and go live by your in-laws or some place else and traditionally it is believed that you are never to come back home since you have been "taken". Understandably so because you are now part of a certain family and have broken the cord from yours. Fast forward to lobola therefore as a man who is taking away a woman from a family which she was taking care of, you ought to leave them with something so that they may continue living or surviving since you are taking away their "bread winner". Back in the days lobola was paid by cows, because with livestock you are rich and can survive for many years. The idea of lobola started being an issue and misunderstanding when it converted to hard cash. Which shouldn't have because it is still the same concept...with a certain amount of money you should be able to take care of your family and survive. How lobola got misinterpreted as buying your wife is not well understood however it could be presumed that it is because of the attributes that contributes to the price tagging. Your behaviour, achievements, ability to reproduce etc are what contributes to the billing. Which honestly shouldn't be an issue because parents know that with the achievements that you have you were going to take care of them well...very well. With the manners that you have...you will respect your husband and be obedient towards him. You will bear kids for your husband and gave a big family. Everyone is happy. All in all to able to understand the concept of lobola you have to understand culture and tradition but you are going to say "times have changed" and you are now modernised.

BLACK TAX
Having given birth to you, having raised you....there is a need for our parents to be taken care of "in return" once you are well groomed and independent of them. Ideally it was more of common courtesy, a reflex need to care, a way of saying thank you for raising me but no! As new age kids we call it 'Black tax'. Why black? Because black families are the only ones that practice it(as compared to white or other families). Why tax? Because we feel we are being charged for the support our parents gave us from birth until our independence. You think your parents called it "pregnancy/birth tax" when they had to feed you, bathe you, pay for your school fees, buy you clothes until you got to where you are now? No! I don't think so. It was out of love. We feel it as a burden because the rest of the society is not doing it. We feel it's a drag because we have associated ourselves with people who know zilch about our backgrounds and culture and therefore tell us it is wrong. We feel it is uncalled for because new age motivational speakers told us that we are our parents' responsibility and not the other way round. It is disappointing that we feel this way about having to take care of our families, people who wholeheartedly raised us and made sure that we had everything we needed. We ought to be reminded that "charity begins at home" ergo we may not drive lavish cars, live in fancy houses, impress our friends and partners with expensive gifts while our families back at home are struggling for a piece of bread and living in shacks. Although some may be coming from rich backgrounds there should still be something that you could do for your family not because they cannot afford it but because you can and most of all want to do it. We should spontaneously take care of our families without dread. It should be a reflex and something that you enjoy doing. I acknowledge that you get your own bills to pay but if you care enough, among those bills should be appreciation bills to your family. But then again you are going to tell me that "times have changed"

INDEPENDENCE
In black families, as products(children) of our parents we are allowed to be under their wing until whenever we are "ready" to fly on our own. By that, there is no time limit, it depends on so many things but nonetheless it could take you 21 years...35 years...sometimes it may never come to pass. Independence is something that never used to bother, we were fine with dependence and so were our parents. In this new age independence seems to be what everyone is aiming for and and such you hear words like "You can't stay with your parents at this age" "You need to get your life together" "We not always going to be there". I don't blame those who crave and/or achieve it, I blame the society and r/evolution which are disguised as"growth". We have now succumbed to the pressures that are put unto us by comparison and therefore feel the abrupt need to fly away. Who said our parents cannot take care of us our whole lives? They are our parents we are their responsibility, it is never gonna change it shouldn't change. But then again, "times have changed"

Did you **** her last night? Coz when I made love to you this morning I felt closer to her
When I rested my head on your chest, it sounded just like an Xbox
Got me thinking you heating it off with your past
Tell me, do you still love her?
Perhaps you were still trying to cross her bridge when I came and offered you a ride in my boat
Do you really like me?
I'd say I'm likeable but I'd rather not gloat
*So do you?

Story of my life....
My criminal offense
I did 2 years in a cage
Got sent away for loving you
I participated and didn't call it off
I was an accomplice to love
I was there for you, with you
Played a part in your love affair
Then you trapped me in your circle of promises
Broken promises

I went to jail for your own sins
Dishonesty, untrustworthy, alcoholism irresponsible, careless, self-centeredness sexist, ungrateful, unapologetic
Should've known better
That **** got me locked up
Got released but am on probation
Had to do a little bit of snitching...introspection
Got lucky, things could've went pear shaped
Pulled myself together now I got to testify
Tell the whole world how you molested my trust
How you emotionally ***** me
How you beat my heart to a pulp
How I couldn't stop you though I tried
I have to confess all of that
Else I am facing a life sentence of abuse, brokenness and loneliness
I have to testify against you
and set myself free from binding chains
So help me God to tell the truth
And finally get to walk away

Heartbreak is jerking my amygdale
Sending impulses to my myocardium
Telling me to love because it is coming
And I best gear up for it

If you don't give her attention
She will fall into the hands of the one who notices her perfection
If you don't listen to her issues
She will play her music for the one who enjoys her rhythm and blues
If you don't **** her good
She will be curious to taste someone else's food
If you don't treat her with respect
She will venture into another love aspect
If you don't love her
She will fall in love with someone else
It is not rocket science
She will leave you
You just don't know it yet

It means you become a giver not a getter
"Love is giving the other person what they need the most when they deserve it the least because God has done the same for you"
Walking in love is a choice
Walking in love is doing what you don't want to do because it is the right thing to do,because you are committed to that person
And thou you don't have the resources you choose to do it anyway
And the moment you take the step
BOOM! God gives you the strength
Walking in love is forgiving someone who blew up on you in anger

Good and bad are subjective concepts.

How can you ever be sure that you are doing the right thing.......?

I detach my feelings when treating patients to enable myself to make clinical decisions when doing my job.
Due to that I have transformed
I have transformed to a person that can return to her original shape or position after deformation that does not exceed her limit...resilience
I acknowledge that this wall of resilience has turned me into somewhat an "insensitive" person
So much that when those closest to me are in misery it doesn't break me although I sympathize
With that comes imperviousness
Which for a long time I have confused with strength
I fail to admit  passage of emotions or rather I have become incapable of being affected by situations
I acknowledge that I may reach a breaking point sometime
I just pray to God that I be ready when all of this finally hits me

I need to ask you some things
You gonna ask me about God and the devil?
Yes
You gonna ask me how God can place such a burden on good people?
No, am gonna ask you how you still believe in a kind God after a case like this?
Has my faith shaken?
Yeah mhmmh it is
It is?
Yeah i'll go home tonight, I'll lie in bed, I'll toss & I'll turn & I'll beat myself up, I'll question everything
Will you get your faith back?
Always have in the  past
So you have faith that you will retain your faith?....
.........
Why?
Because......the sun will come up and tomorrow is a new day
I know that feeling
Really? You know what it feels like to get your faith back?
When I see  facts and I'm unable to disrule the cause my faith in reason and consequences is shaken
Then what happens?
2 + 2=4
I put sugar in my coffee and it tastes sweet
The sun comes up because the world turns
These things are beautiful to me
They are mysteries I will never understand
But everywhere I look I see  proof that for every fact there's a corresponding cause
Even if I cant see it
I find that reassuring
Then life is good again?
Life is very good

Untill we stop addressing any man or woman as Sir/Mam because they are of a different race & start addressing our own like that...
Until we stop lionizing  people only because we think that they are rich...
Until we stop looking down at those who we think are poorer than us...
Until we stop being jealous of those who are richer than us instead of applauding them and be inspired by them...
This dark cloud of inferiority that shadows us will never condense and we'll never get to dance in the rain of our own success.
We'll always feel as thou they have authority over us.
We will never win for we cast stones at each other instead of building rock-hard empires together. Victory will pass us by while we busy sneaking peeks in other people's lives that seem to be in a marathon of success.
First we ought to believe that we are powerful beyond measure and we are capable of almost anything and everything that we put our mind to.
We can!
Until then, we are just ordinary people that are shaken by our very own insecurities. Insecurities that dismantle our faith and self-esteem.

Do I not learn at all?
All these disappointments that keep flocking in
I still continue to expect more from you
Do I not learn at all?

I keep trying to mend us
You try just as hard to mess up
You drop the ball and everything shutters
This should be like tennis, you give and receive
But in this game, I keep giving and not receiving
You receive and hardly ever give

How long will this keep going on
I am dying inside
My heart is slowly getting hypertrophied
All these chances that I keep giving you, they exhaust my muscles each time you slip away
It's like I am suffocating with disappointment
I keep hoping you would come back to your senses
I can barely breathe
And you can barely keep a promise

Tell me that you don't want this and I will let you be
Tell me you don't want this
I will respect your decision
If your heart is not in it, don't try to fake what you don't feel.

As a Christian I fear God  His plans are greater than mine. His ways are better than my ways. How will he hear my cry if I don't call out to him and pray? How will I be forgiven if I don't forgive? How will he make me pure if I don't believe?

As a daughter I fear the loss of my mother, she is my everything I know not of how I will soldier on without her. Who will I turn to? Who will I bring flowers to on Mother's day? Who will kiss me good morning and welcome me home?

As a paramedic I fear one day I'll get dispatched to a M.V.A and only to find out it is my loved  one. How will I switch from personal to professional? How will I manage a patient when I am tormented?

As a woman I fear I will devote my life to someone only to wake up with divorce papers on the breakfast table. Who will sleep beside me at night? Who will fix the door handle? Who will teach our son football?

As a human I fear my rage will drive me to put a gun to the head of whoever angered me. How will I live with myself? Will I survive years in jail? Let alone a night in prison.

As a friend I fear death of my peers for I don't want to bury them rather they bury me. I can't imagine life without them. Who will I cry to? Who will call me to order when I am intoxicated? Who will dance with me when our favourite song plays on radio?

As child of God I fear nothing for the Lord is by my side at all times.....till eternity.

We are all f**d up in some way.
I cannot  worry about your flaws while i'm silently trying to fix my very own.
If flaws were a rough sketch of who you are then perhaps I'd be pushed to figure out what's wrong.
And that's the mistake most of us make : We keep poking to see what's really wrong (because we think that's what defines us and we can fix people) while we supposed to appreciate those flaws and what's right then soldier on.
Life will come and pass us by while we busy trying to understand what broke us.
There is so much more to us than our imperfections.
There is so much more to life than misery and bad habits.
Fold the curtains and look through the window....the view is better refreshing than the colour of the curtains.
Don't look at the curtains look through the curtains.

A solitary place
All opaque and no lace
Impenetrable to sight
I can't let you see, you might get a fright
When most of them are thriving for the States
I stay calm at the state of being alone
It is only when I am here that I feel at home
Knowing a lot of people doesn't mean having a lot of friends
I still remain calm in the state of isolation.
So-Li-Tude
I'm cluttered at this point
Been tracking down a gratifying relinquish
If clarity hits me I might just finish
Am going through the motions
But all that's there is waves, setting bars of caution  
No surprise, I've known it for the longest time
I hold the key to all of this isolation
Don't be alarmed it's only a precaution
Solitude....my world of introspection.

Excuse me did you swallow something?
Oh no wait, you totally caught feelings
You still tryna figure out why you feel so ******?
Ever heard of hormones buddy?
Its some chemicals that contribute to you beeing all teary
Haha who would have thought....
Sorry let me not laugh
They say never mock a pain you haven't endured
Forgive me for the giggle
But have you really swallowed something?
Its uncomfortable I know
Just cry already it'll go away
I won't call you a ***** if you shed, no I won't mock you the whole day
We in this together
Yeah I know its ******* you
But trust me I got you
Just cry already it'll go away
Don't worry my shoulder is here
Better yet, here's a pen and paper
Jot it down, I swear it helps
You need a pencil maybe? Perhaps you wanna draw
In any case, cry....it'll go away
Just burst in tears it'll go away

A knock on his door got him rattled
He looked for his keys but they were all entangled
Little did he know the door was never locked
She pushed her way in and he just stood there shocked
Pause! She has a beautiful smile
Woah! How is she so pretty and yet alone?

He believes she is poker-faced
Only because he has never been so amazed
He never believed it could ever happen
Only because his previous door was broken
What puzzles him is the past
Because of it, he battles to trust
Though the past defines nothing
He still believes it may ruin everything
He thinks he cannot change a thing
What makes it difficult is his stereotypical soul
That got him thinking no she-being can ever be whole
But she believes she can save him from this bitterness
Because she genuinely likes him

As the sun shows face on a Sunday morning
I lay awake,for last night's dreams kept me up
Been meaning to fall asleep again, but sleep can wait
Here you are next to me
Come closer and slide in beside me
Fill up that large empty space
Place your hands on my curves
Grab my behind and hear me gasp
Lust with me and eat the morning slice
Any sleep I need, can wait
First we need to praise the morning glory
Any sleep you need can wait
So wake up, let's have our breakfast in bed

I miss you, I miss us
We took off too quickly that we lost direction
Got blown off by the wind we couldn't even endure the Autumn
And now it is gone
Perhaps it went down like this because no map was ever drawn
No one to blame but our uncommon expectations
Results turned out nothing like results that were hoped for
Now am stuck on thin ice
Not sure whether to take a step or  remain stagnant
Either way its  a thin ice and it may just break on its own
Swimming in the cold is not an issue I just hoped we could do it together
Perhaps we'll find an escape route and miss the cold
For we could keep each other warm as we cuddle through the night
But then again that's just a dream
My dream
I woke up in the morning and it was all gone
Just like you

Death be not proud
You strip us our loved ones
Leaving us tormented and hollow
To what end shall we be in pain?
Indeed you need not to be proud
For there is nothing pleasant
The basis of your deeds is unknowledgeable to us
What we know is only that it hurts
Deep in our hearts and thoughts
We know it's never gonna be the same
The means to which you fall upon us is unknown
What we know is that the ends are piercing
Death be not proud
In God we trust
In his grace we rely
All that burdens us we give to him
For we believe he knows
And we have faith that he will see us through
His sympathy is genuine, his love is eternal
He remains our pillar to eternity
Through him we shall heal

Am not sure if I genuinely like you
Or its the alcohol talking
In my sober mind the thought of you thrills me not
Yet when I'm intoxicated all I want to do is say something to you
I'm pretty sure I'm drunk
Coz otherwise I wouldn't have texted you
They say alcohol makes you brave
Brave enough to say stuff that's on your subconscious mind
More like brave enough to do something stupid
I don't know...I can't tell
Coz am drunk
Ask me tomorrow, perhaps I'll be able to analyze it
Argh who cares
It doesn't really matter
I'll just toast it up
Drink up to my subconscious mind
Coz at least I still have one... Right?
Show me the text tomorrow so we could have a good laugh.

The heart is pounding
Emotions are heightened
If it were me I'd be on my knees
Not praying but battling to get up
I swear strength is everything
The will to carry on is best
Conquering remains the only option
Prayer is everything
Thrilling how strong you actually are
Bet you didn't even know till it was the only thing left to do
Am touched
If only I could reach out and touch where it hurts
I'd feel a lot better when you are better
Easy...

Heart so swollen and sore
No one to blame but slow healing
Never wounded yet bleeding
Only cold blood rushing through the veins
No traces of drugs but getting high from the pains
If I fall know its toxicity
No antidote for captivity
Bounded by unknown curses no one can reverse
Suffering sins I didn't commit
Heart so hollow you can hear the beats' echo
Hush not so loud they'll call it "emo"
Don't bother auscultating, been there before
Diagnosis has been made its called broken.