Before guns wore make-up,
We used to put pennies in our socks
So we’d always walk on the root of all evil.

Now Wall Street angels frolic through satellite clouds borrowed
from youths educated by universities of smoke and plastic bags.
                  
(The tears of a child are homage to the waning gods)
For in a day not far away,
Over the painted moon of the Morning Son,
The sun will rise wearing the finest war scars money can buy.

And the screams of humanity will be heard from Venus,
Forgetting that the reciprocal of   L-I-V-E   itself  is     E-V-I-L
And perhaps death is the life meant to be lived.

let it slip-
just for a moment-
that silky silver sliver
with the scarlet bite
take the plunge for once,
because you've been longing to fall  
all night.

let it slip-
the sober-golden
golden-boy facade you like
to wear so well,
spill your muddy secrets
for the crimson crowd-
put on the death-shroud.

trace the skin-
like eggshell,
toughened from times before
when the yolk spilt
then split the cells
apart, view the vivacity
still flowing
from your hardened heart.

remember
what it was like to feel,
before the pursuit of perfection
hollowed out your bones
spill your own blood
and take relief
in the quiet,
where no one knows.

let me call my own bluff,
tell you about every time
i thought i'd rather not be alive
i'll show the stories i've spun
upon my gossamer wrists-
if you'd truly like to hear it,
i'll grin and bear it.

before i bare arms,
let me warn you,
i was taught to bear arms,
bristle at the slightest touch
drive the hurt away
before it happened

i was raised in a world of strength
told to never remove my mask
oh, i must confess-
i never learned how to express
myself in the proper way

i cursed myself
with this addiction; i was the one
who initiated this affliction,
pulled this mirror across my skin
to reflect the madness within
and i will not blame
anyone but myself
for the creation of
my invisible hell

even fire cannot burn through
this stony expression
i understand that you can't imagine
what hatred lies within
i look so normal, oh,
so high-functioning
but behind this wall, it's agonizing.

i don't wish to brag,
but i don't even know
how i've survived the onslaught
of self-hate, years-long
i deny the existence of the talent
you say i possess, no,
i don't believe your compliments

and if you want to know
how i've always felt-
well, here it is,
woven into the ribbons on my wrists
my barcode arms
remind me
that i'm lucky
just to have you stick around.

i. descend

i've lost weight since we last met
we fit differently from before-
bird-thin, the both of us-
but this hollow in your feathered chest is
still where i feel most at home-
your jade eyes
a nest, to cultivate my happiness

i've been betrothed to the birds
you stayed back, earthbound
i fell, a cataract, from the red cliffs
you watched me sink, earthbound
i was ripped to shreds in the tundra
freezing and thirsty
and you listened instead to the flowers,
drowning me out as i whispered for help

they told you sunlight stories
when i was trapped in dusk
i was an inch from the edge of night
and you fled
so as to not be consumed.

ii. unpend

i know what i told myself-
i said i shed my mourning veil-
but i still weep for the morning lark,
your lightening song
haunting my brittle nightingale

i write you letters every night
with a fountain pen slathered in red ink
saying what i never could,
spilling my regret on the page

(wake up with ****** hands)

i should have known
you were no one to trust
you're just a fledgling

we're all so naïve.

iii. the end

i take flight, for brave is the man
who would leap from the bluff
to prove his worth;
for i can take action now-
i can say this now,
where before i sat on the sidelines

i will not wilt
in your arms
just for a moment
i will hold you tight
my prisoner

thank you for keeping me alive
i don't need that anymore
thank you for staying by my side
when i had eyes set to ****

thank you for helping me to ascertain
that i’m no phoenix
thank you for participating in
my stupid guessing games

you were the match
to ignite my nicotine habits
but now i'm the one who's
decided to spark and fade

green-eyes,
i've made a decision
and this time i'll stick with it-
featherlight now,
i will make my escape

one thing i have noticed
in my youthful years
and jottings
and observations

is that people rarely band together in the times when we should
when, for example, there is
a delay on a plane
a bus
a train,
we roll our eyes
and groan in unison
unison? really?
in frustration
in exhaustion

and yet, when the Titanic was
taking its plunge
into the Ocean's merciless and deep belly
brother turned on brother
friend on friend
drowing humans and enveloping their lives in water
so that you may have a lifebelt

Death once said
'i am haunted by humans'
and i agree

we are monsters.

and i'm not afraid to fight
and i'm not afraid to die
and i
am
not
afraid.

[actually, i am not
much of anything right now]


and i.


there are days when i find it
immeasurably
desirable
to just rip my organs out-

-just rip them
right ******* out,
i never knew nails could dig through flesh like
that until she did it-

- blood spattering all over that painting i
just finished, dear what a waste i was
going to get an a on that.


there's a hollow right behind my heart
that i can't feel until you leave
i feel
incomplete without you, that's what
love is
but i don't-
can't-
love you
because if i did
i'd feel too guilty when i hurt you
and believe me darling i can hurt you.


[ icanhurtyou ]


there's the kind of girl you don't want to love
because she doesn't care
[about you]
at all and that is me.

there's that girl.  
sitting on the rooftops
like she
gives a
****
about her image
she's not vain she's just conflicted
and she's sitting there
like she
gives a ****.

there's a war going on
in my head and it's
****** gruesome.
the doctor diagnosed me
with self-induced apathy
and he was
so right
i
ripped my
heart
out-

i hate my emotions
so much i
tear them apart
and keep them
like secrets
in the pit of my stomach.
they're better food than the lies she told me

and so much sweeter

and i [.]

lied too, forgive me dear.  
forgive me for not wanting to feel.

i
am
too
afraid.