I'm counting on.
I'm counting one.

I'm counting two.
I'm counting on you.

I'm counting the days.
Until I say:

The world I live in is a masterpiece.
The world I live in is full of peace.

I'm counting on when what I say makes sense.
Talking about the world in past and present tense.

Changing of our minds.
Minds are faded and dead.

Counting down the few days.
These are the few days I dread.

I'm counting down until I see.
A place filled with nothing but glee.

A world one day that is nothing more.
Than a place where we can all be free.

im imperfect
and that’s not okay
some say im important
but i feel nothing
i lack compatibility
im a ***** when i want to be
the amount of friends
that i left behind
would maybe surprise you
and a few months ago
the amount of friends
that were right by my side
would make you smile
life was easier
when i didn’t care as much
waking up to notifications
became the first thing
that i would actually digest
it became an important task
something i couldn’t live without
my emotional safety vest
i felt like i mattered
i felt an ounce of human
when i felt needed
but now emptiness inside me
leaves me feeling dead
but it’s a good feeling
to once finally wake up and digest
cereal for breakfast
it’s a bit comforting
knowing that you care
for yourself
the way you used to care for others
it’s comforting to mean something
to yourself
to love yourself
to cherish silly moments spent alone
to spend a weekend in bed
i have been hurt
and by now you’d think
that i would have already bled out
from being stabbed in my heart
by the people that tore my life apart
i was used for what things i possessed
and seen as joyful
but deep down i was depressed
it’s hard to feel like a human being
when you’ve been treated like an object
i put people first and they put me last
and for a while
i was content with that logic
of coming in last
and not standing up for myself
when i started standing up for something
standing up for myself
my opinions
and my true friends
they ran away with my two cents
and laughed at me like the villain
everyone played the victim role well
and everyone for while
were all so sure of themselves
that they didn’t give a ****
about how i felt
missing out on parties and laughs
for not being wanted by somebody
******* and your compatibility checklist
im a human being with mutual friends
i can’t be the favorite of everyone
and i understand that
but don’t tell me “not my house, not my party”
and fake your emotions to convey you’re sad
you’re a manipulator at its finest
and most of my ex friends
convinced so many that they were all sorry
and always were trying
but to me that’s the fakest **** i have ever heard
so why would i want to party with them all
feel bitter and hurt my liver
day drink like your life is meaningless
and have others pity you
for what?
because you’re all alcoholics
covering up your habits
by playing it off as a celebration?
and with that said,
i will never understand
how they hated me for so long
for speaking my mind
after being on mute
after they all said i was wrong
and if you talk **** about me
behind my back
than to you, i obviously meant nothing
im just a car ride
a place to stay
an ATM
not a human being
that means anything
im simply just empty
im the person
you make videos on
to talk **** and spill tea
but check yourself
and fix you’re life
wake up to reality
im not your next breakthrough video idea
and i would try to play the victim
but you’re already so good at that
i can’t be the one you love
because you emotionally ****** me up
and because i can’t force feelings
that i don’t have
but even in another universe
if i did have feelings for you
i would still see you for who you truly are
i would see you for the hurting and broken person
that hurts people through social media
i would hurt you back if i could
the same way you hurt me
the same way you claim your ex hurt you
it brings me so much happiness knowing that i don’t have the same feelings you do
it makes me sane not having you around
it breaks my heart how some left
there are some that i still wish the best
i couldn’t save all my relationships
just like i couldn’t save myself
i was hoping
and waiting
that i could escape my minds holding cell
i was praying to God
that one day a miracle would come
where i could keep things between the group and i at ease
and still save myself
i prayed and played memories in my head
like a constant running tape
a constant running strain
a knife sliced twice in my veins
to simply feel the flow
of emotions all go
to simply have you to stay
to simply have you all
in a glass container all to myself
but still hoping you’d all feel how i felt
i wore my emotions on my sleeve
held them together the best that i could
tightened my feelings up
like the metaphorical belt i was
hoped you’d all come back at one point
but realized you all never would
analyzed my future and better days
and found my mind stuck in haze
and since that day that it had to rain
my feelings towards you haven’t been the same
i was the punchline to all your jokes
but the person you ran to when feeling low
your daily dose of realism
and daily dose of inside jokes we told
being the medicine to cure your depression
taught me to never give out kindness for granted
i graduated high school
but i found this to be the hardest lesson
it’s hard to burn the mental images you have saved in your mind
to start a new path without your best friend in your life
but its even harder
when they do things to bother
your mental health and the ways you felt
i couldn’t breathe with you around me
it’s not good
to feel like a fish out of water
and some say im the manipulator
the bad guy, the bully, the hater
some would say i don’t have compassion
and that my only passion
is making people hate me
and lately i have let that mentality
get the best of me
and remove all of my sincerity
when they all wanted me to be a better friend
i just wanted a friend
a friend in general
as basic as that sounds
i simply wanted another human
to feel joyful with when they’re around
i wanted conversation and late night drives
i wanted discussion where we would talk about nothing
and after hitting midnight
the day still felt right
a day where we did nothing
but felt like we did everything
never did i once ask
to have a “**** everything” mentality
just like a potter
the reason i don’t bother
is because i was molded this way
conditioned by the world
to be there for all
but with the group
it became my obstacle to get over
my last and final wall
to jump and to hurdle
to flow tears that drown out noise
but to only hurt a little
i felt helpless
swimming in foreign waters
of despair and feelings of belonging nowhere
of panic attacks
and shaving my hair
of late night talks
with only myself
trying to reprogram my mind
to be someone else
felt like the only one going insane
like they stayed in line
and i was switching lanes
how could i ever love myself
when the people in my life
made me hate how i felt
how could i be anything
other than what they conditioned me to be
trying to be nice
while fighting hostility
isn’t an easy task to many
i became the puppet to all of them
but now im known as the puppet master
you all switch up and change
when you know in your brains
that im what you’re all chasing after
an easy target to shoot down
an easy friend to keep around
a person to talk down upon
when i have done nothing
but love and care and be there
for you all
i loved you all more
than i used to love myself
i loved you all so much
that i gave out all my help
and in return i didn’t ask for a lot
just simple love and small talk
but it withered up and died
much like all your hearts
to me, the devastation, persuasion, and destruction were all the hardest parts
you all blame me
but you’re all sick in the head
cause what you put me through
would maybe make someone
end their life from all your hatred
from all the texts you left me saying,
“you disgusting *******”
“you stupid little *****”
“you ******* *******”
“you little ******* *****”
maybe if i killed myself
you all would escape me forever
or maybe you’d all show up
to my funeral with hand written letters
and speak of my accomplishments
and all the good memories
and how you’ve all been friends with me
since the start of the century
you’d say some *******
that would make me want to come back
to speak my opinion
and say what you all lack
and speak on how you all are ****
and are drunks that drown their souls in spirits
until you become worthless
and how i gave second chances
even when some didn’t deserve them
and we’d maybe banter
until i lie and say you’re all deserving
even if, dead or alive, i was still hurting
you don’t care about my pain
unless it’s a physical mark on my body
so instead of wondering why it has to rain
you should’ve made me feel something
cause you failed at being my friend
you all did in a sense
you took my innocence
and tortured me with it
i will never be able to get back many wasted months
but i won’t hinder on it any longer
i will be the person you all fear one day
i will become someone stronger
im imperfect
and that’s okay
im important
i feel like something

what would you do for love
if you knew it would mess you up
what would you do for a second chance
a second dance at prom
with the person of your dreams
love isn’t real
but others will tell you otherwise
some see loyalty and trust
some see bitter and twisted white lies
what would you do to not be alone
does being alone **** your soul
what would you do to get back time
would you continue living behind
would you backtrack your life in fact
would you believe that
people aren’t bad
what would you do if you were someone new
what would you do if it all worked out
what would you do if things went well up until now
love is a lie
it’s fabricated and sewed up with pain
internal organs being ripped away
from out your body
it’s a fractured heart
broken like an expensive piece of china
it’s your persona feeling like diamond
but turning into the soil in which you step on
it’s reaching for the highest cloud that you can see
but still setting your standards lower
love hurts like a scab you picked
the pain is direct and descriptive
like an adjective
or the lie of the life you live
it’s wanting a life but not being given one
it’s saying you’re stranded and want love
but still stranded cause you’re not enough
it’s not what you would do for love
but rather what would love do for you

the reflection back
doesn't reflect how I feel
when my phone rang
and you answered and said
"you're my everything,
my one and only"
my heart wasn't hard to steal
peace of mind from what you told me
folded the papers
which were notes you wrote me
but with you, I still felt lonely
then came the day
you texted me to say hey
but I knew things were shaking
inside your head a storm erupted
tried to ask but you spoke nothing
days went by
everyday I cried
worried for you
still had no clue
what was running through your mind
you could see the future
as I stood back blind
finally you had the urge to text me
and I died a little inside
when I read the message that said
you didn't want to be mine
I know you feel trapped
stuck in a religious war
you seek to escape your life
a religious thunderstorm
I can't even imagine
a life full of control
can't create your own path
or own story to be told
and I was foolish to think
that we could stay together and grow old
almost as foolish as a candle shining
outside when it starts to snow
or thinking we were on the same page
or that all your thoughts were made known
and you liked me but still tried to mold me
into something I could never be
transformed my thoughts into ones less happy
but I wasn't happy because I wasn't the old me
and you no longer cared for me
cause I went against what you told me
I didn't let you manipulate and fold me
and I no longer loved you fully
I became your dreaded past
you became my bully
and at night I have thoughts
that always rush through me
they keep me up at times I know they shouldn't
so hard to sleep when you feel so foolish
you shot the gun
and I bit the bullet
at times I considered your words deadly
now lately you've been dead to me
constantly talking and always complaining
I was slowly becoming the negativity
you tried to make me
but I still wish I had the chance to express myself
many things I could tell you
things that would provide help
I would have so many things to tell you
and so many things to say
but the first question I'd ask is:
"why do you make me feel this way?"

The fire burned blue.
The ashes blew too.

Rainbow in the distance.
Though it seems so distant.

Hard to reach.
Hard to teach.

Distance is the issue.

why is it that people divert
when they dilute their feelings
into a watered down
mess of things

false impressions
of perfection
noting that
no one is perfect

gives false hope
to others
that are less imperfect
craving a dose of attention

dose of attention
turns into addiction
all that they're wishing
is for it all to be done

mocking those who
hurt and bleed
who have a forest fire
inside their heart

simply show care
care that shows struggle
care that provides proof
that you've survived on

no longer diluted
nothing more to it
than helping words
from a hurting soul

growing with the trouble
passing up the pain
wishing for sunrise
during times that it rains

can't always choose
life sometimes does
in its own cryptic way
you either win or lose

but don't lose yourself
in a chapter
for a chapter can turn
into a sensational series

life can't always reflect
sometimes it'll neglect
showing you your story
but know it can be a best seller

don't overthink
flooding your brain
making it impossible
for thoughts to ever drain

look at your cover
open up more pages
because love is sickness
love can be contagious

don't end the story shortly
see the conclusion
admire the conflicts
and create the sequel

wishing a good life
and much love
to you and the world
and all it's people

don't shut the book
assuming the end
cause life will come around
for me and you my friend

The beginning was the hardest.
The beginning never faded.

The beginning was an annoyance.
It left me irritated.

Frustration was present.
And so were my fears.

Seeing past my problems.
Didn't seem very clear.

And through the darkness of the light.
I'll speak on all the things I did right.

You say I'm wrong.
Seems so typical.

But you're just not seeing me.
You're not seeing the visual.

We can follow our present.
Or we can follow our past.

But the hardest question is,
Which one will last?

I'm indecisive.
On whether or not I should write this.

Could I fight it?
Could I change?

All our plans.
All arranged.

You're deranged.
And I'm scared.

You seem to call.
When you seem to care.

You say you listen.
You say you hear.

But are you here,
When I wipe away my tears?

And all the years that have flown by.
When you used to see me.

And I'm blinded now.
Hard to see what I want to be.

And I miss the way you used to be.
And I miss the old you.

I miss all the times.
All the times I would think things through.

Walking down this lonely path.
In my heart I feel a lonely wrath.

A pain I have never felt inside.
When you're not here by my side.

But I need you.
And though I try.

Though I try to make things right.
You say that I'm always wrong.
We always seem to fight.

Though tonight.
I hope to see you.

And if you don't show.
I will show all who care
All who care to know.

How I feel.
Feel inside.

Feeling down.
Broken pride.

Sorry that I wasn't the best.
Sorry that I always lied.

I never seemed to care.
I never seemed to be there.

And now I'm scared.
I'm somewhere out here stranded.

I wish I could say I had things planned.
Though I never planned this.

And I always say I'm there.
Always there close to you.

Hoping that you miss me.
Are you hoping that I miss you too?

Ripped out.
Broken heart.
Hard to fix.
It's torn into two.

Hoping I get to see.
See a day.
A day spent with you.

And it is hard to say.
And it is hard to write this.

But I miss you.
And only you.

I'm sorry I'm indecisive.

Days I spent are melting away
Waiting for more to decay.

I worry about the decisions I make.
They change my life and change my fate.

Decisions are hard to take.
Decisions are hard to make.

What will the future bring?
What will the future hold?

Do you think my life will be lavish?
My life set in gold.

My life set away.
My life set to go.

My life one day to stay.
A life one day I'll know.

Life will stay forever.
If we can stay together.

Life disappearing.
Life on vacation.

My life's end is nearing.
My life has complications.

the world is not ours
we step all over it like it is though
implodes an inferno
of ash and rain
never to be the same again
color coded
our labels folded
we're pinned up and examined
when our hearts are broken
we cover it
dealing with other people's ****
or with our indecent president
only causing more damages
never glancing towards the innocent blaming other countries and
we act like we're not all immigrants
I don't know where my standing is
I don't know why Trumps planning this
or acting like the planets his
in this world white is right
minorities lacking privileges
it doesn't help by dismissing it
this is the future we'll grow up in
leaders only over throwing it
I'm a pacifist who'll let things slide
but I'll make a fist when no one's by my side
wish labels were gone
wish we'd support one another
wish I didn't hear on the news that "so-and-so" shot their brother
this is not our culture
don't you understand this?
what you see right now is a worldwide epidemic
get attacked because you're black
no sympathy for the LGBT
giving bad vibes to the word diversity burning down family trees
judging those close to me
people contemplating suicide
people wanting to cry and hide
people who don't even go outside
cause they're scared of the world around them

Hidden stories.
Told at night.

Waking moments.
Morning light.

Silly girls.
And silly boys.

Young at heart.
They play with toys.



Mothers drunk.
And daddies dead.

Don't ever know.
What lies ahead.

And the wind moves in coming in and out.
Cutting off the sinister sound.

You're on the ground.
You'll be dead.
Wasting your life at what's ahead.

You don't know.
The full story.

You read the front and the back.
The book seems so boring.

But you don't know.
The full story.

You don't know what lies ahead.
Rather be at home laying on your death bed.

But you sneak around.
This very particular hallway.

Under the bridge.
At that same parkway.

But you don't know.
Where your sister stays.

Sisters out late.
Smoking *** in someone's driveway.

Why do things,
Things have to be this way?

Why does your life always have to,
Always stay the same?

Wish that my life,
My life would be sane.

Drunken mom on the road,
Drunk driver is switching lanes.

And sometimes my life,
Feels like It's always plain.

When the nights are boring,
The nights consist of pouring rain.

Wish dad were here.
I wish he were here to wash away all the pain.

But he's not.
He'll never be.

Nothing even left for him to gain.

My path, my path leads to nowhere.
I would tell you but you wouldn't care.

It's the path that everyone follows.
Yet my path is still hollow.

I try so hard and to do my best.
I sometimes work without a single rest.

I make new friends and watch them go.
I act like I am on a dramatic TV show.

I must change, change for the good.
I am not so sure if I should.

Change is odd, change is strange.
Change is often even derange.

I am so close to being the perfect me.
Hopefully soon people will see.

Settle down the tone.
Settle down the complications of my heart.
Set away in stone.
Watch it break and fall apart.

Rip it into two.
Mend with super glue.
Left with just a bruise.
And a life not worth living.

I'm depending on me to battle my fears.
I'm depending on you to test me all year.
Switch over and we change the speed within our hearts.
Again you show me you shatter.
Again you show me you don't matter.

Change the speed within this dream.
Make believe and funny like it's supposed to be.
Change for me.
Laughing at all this money.
Laughing at all our faint memories.

Spend it like it's nothing.
Take it all for granted.
Wishing on my patience.
You're around me and I can't stand it.

You make me angry and you rip me apart.
You yell at me when I am low.
You tell me that I am nothing.
Anything other than beautiful.

And you wasted all my money.
On your drinking addiction.
Wishing our love was real.
Seems to me like fiction.

I'm hoping.
And crying.

Stand by me now.

Love me and hold me.
For I'm so fragile.

Bend and break me.
And I snap into two.

Make me what I am.
All the colors turn blue.

Lovely little lover.
Sleeping under covers.
You're sleeping with another.
Thought we had each other.

I was wrong and my thoughts were dead.
Wishing that my thoughts were alive.
Staying here without you.
Makes it so hard to survive.

I'm like a candle.
I am too much to handle.

Fire flames surround my face.
I fall and burn down the place.

The place comes crashing down.
Fire frenzy throughout the town.

Firefighters come to the hurry.
But quickly leave due to the furry.

Flames spread faster than a speeding train.
Nothing left but a ferocious fire flame.

Dust falls crying over the city.
Nothing left but ash and pity.

And I try to listen to what others say.
I sit in silence and pray.
That my own mind will be content and stay.
Without my own mind burning away.

And God forbid my mind burst and become hard to handle.
For I am nothing more than a lit wax candle.

Wise words from a "wizzard."
Leaking out onto paper.

Caught up in a blizzard.
Storms are coming later.

Reading by a priest.
To me they mean the least.

Aknowledge the power.
Of words read for hours.

Agree or suffer.
Agree or die.

Agree with another.
Agree or cry.

Sensible seclusion.
Causes delusion.

Words without meaning.
Are words that need defeating.

Words that hurt.
Words that break.

Words that fight.
Words that are fake.

Hurt against you.
Hurt against many.

Hurt against the world.
Hurt against plenty.

Subside and control.
Controlling of nations.

Control of the world.
Control causing irritation.

Irrational fears subsided.
World being divided.

Walls being built.
Feelings of guilt.

Lonely days of nothing more.
Than what tomorrow brings in store.

Words that bring up such a bore.
Are words that pull at your hair.

These are the words that bring us down.
These are the words that don't care.

what a cruel place we're living in
what a cool place, we could've finished it

it's a boring place but we're staying here
it's a blurry vision but we're seeing clear

the rain drops
drops of tears

the rain falls
down falls fear

no longer open
I am broken

- + -

cuts and bruises and
time is passing

drunken thoughts and
I'm relapsing

- + -

simple needs
and simple hopes
make for these
untied ropes

need to finish
where we have stopped

seen each other last
when the raindrops dropped

down outside it continues to pour
making me need you so much more

but the struggle of my days pass on by
only when the sky is clear and dry

cause only the raindrops remind me of you
and when they drop, I expect to see you soon

Demand of respect.
A demand on its own.

Only needed when they ask.
No one there when you’re alone.

Prevent many mistakes.
Choose what to keep and what to take.

Take away what you can.
Asking for a better plan.

I plan to make better friends.
Ones that make life great again.

Nothing worse than someone uninteresting.
Always putting your feelings up for testing.

Break you apart and watch you shatter.
Acting like your well-being doesn’t even matter.

Twisted words and hurtful remarks.
Should you even take the chance to embark?

Why try when you have tried too much?
Trying to see them, but they never stay in touch.

Two faced people with double standards.
Only after things that they are reaching towards.

Would they ever ask about you and your goals?
Would they ever help you at your all time low?
Would they spare a moment to get to know?
Would they know what to ask and what to say?
Would they ever ask if you were okay?

Starting to feel frustrated.
Tired of friends that seem so outdated.

Finding friends that matter is an endeavoring task.
Will you find a friend that will truly care?
That is the hardest question to ask.

Tipsy to a point.
Lost to some others.

Missed by the world.
Mind is undercover.

Wrapped around my thoughts.
Sit and sing along.

Sing a song to the way I feel.
But no one knows the words.

Busy and abrupt.
Feel like I've had enough.

Busy in a hurry.
My minds just blurry.

See the others lurking.
See myself look away.

Creeping towards my face.
Should I even brace myself?

What're they gonna say?
Really need your help.

Seeking advice.
Literally seeking anything that seems nice.

This seems reasonable.
This seems content.

Sorry for the attitude.
I needed time to vent.

Your time has been wasted.
Your time was not well spent.

Ways apart, we hunt for fame.
Testing all of my feelings again.

When it's over, I'll come through.
When it's over, I'll be there for you.

Artists always on the top.
Daily doses of everyday pop.

Threading through my cluttered head.
Things of the past left unsaid.

Words dissipate into the air.
Words of music are everywhere.

Hidden message in every verse.
Music seems to get much worse.

Something sacred and something twisted.
Something closed up, something wicked.

Head to bed late at night.
Dim the sky, dim the lights.

Toss and turn and scream and cry.
Music questions and I ask why.

Open doors that I close shut.
Suffer through my life for what?

Doing it all again for nothing.
Music is always bluffing.

Ask the listener.
Are they the answer?

Ask the creator.
Are they really real?

Turn down the music and all reasoning

And when the music is gone,
You'll be needing me.

The pain I feel is horrid.
The rain outside is pouring.

The drops of water echo down the hallways.
Outside is damp, cold and stormy.

The pain of the rain will drain me.
The pain of my heart will make me insane.

The choice is yours.
Take it or leave it.

Take the moment right now.
Live it and seize it.

The dreams you have.
Fill an empty mind.

And empty thoughts do not determine untold secrets and white lies.

So promise that you will show some sort of respect.
Don't make another cry.

Cold to the touch.
And a sigh of relief.

Broken branches fall.
In the air float the leaves.

The perfect way.
To a semi-perfect day.

Force me to feel.
During times I can't heal.

Not given the time to mend.
To frantic to comprehend.

And though you wouldn't understand.
You don't feel what I feel of course.

All I feel is pain.
And all I feel is resentful remorse.

I'm not the best.
I'm like the rest.

I take a single final breath.
I inhale and exhale hell that's held within.

Try, I try to not let them win.
But they push so strong.
I'm always wrong.

So they say that I'm a pointless object.
They say that I'm just a project of.
Something that needed to be discovered.

Stuck in the dirt, dug up.
And uncovered.

Something special like a diamond.
Something rare like a four leaf clover.
Something that I should have told her.
Times passing, I'm getting older.
The rigid air is freezing, temperature gets much colder.

But then I remember that I'm not the best.
I'm like the rest.

I play the same games.
I do the same things.
I go to the same places.
But the places me nothing to me.

But I remember.
Time and time again.

I'm like the rest
I'm not the best.

Pretending is only pointless.
Society pushes for you and I to conform.
Unfamiliar faces began to swarm.

They swarm around the most average of them all.
They adapt and collect and knock down all the walls.

Society revolts throughout the air.
All I get are average, blank gazing stares.

I began to feel a presence all around.
When people begin to notice around the town.
All the people do is just tear me down.

And again.
I ask myself.
Why am I like the rest?
Then I remember it once again.
I am not the best.

and on my worst nights
I still miss you
make it better for me
to miss you
and on my low nights
I still miss you
and think of when
I misused you
and my brain
recreates
stuck feeling like
a video tape
always repeating
it feels like
I’m going under again
becoming your friend
lonely again
only to depend
on me, myself and I
refrain from repeating
constant straining and aching
I’m painting my walls again
covering the blemishes
only to depend
on me, myself and I
I hesitate
to look up at the sky
and to my surprise
it started raining
I continued refraining
from thinking of you
to put my emotions
into retrospect
I neglect
to respect myself
and putting yours
above mine
makes the whole time
a living hell
when I started living
for just one person
and not two or more
on purpose
my life began to have a purpose
a way of feeling
I never had to hide
and now my mind
just stays intact
only loving
me, myself and I

I never said I was with you
And I never saw you cry

Stay up all night asking
Did you even try?

Try so hard and I sleep for days
Walk out my life just like a parade

Drink away all of my thoughts
Wash away the mistakes I have made

And the burning liquor is my burning heart
Try to do good, I did my part [x2]

Imagine if we were still together
Would it still seem to make things better?

Imagine all the things we could have done
Imagine the people we would have become

Together, forever
Forever and always

Walk away from me
Empty hallways

~

And I never said I was with you
And I never saw you cry

Stay up all night asking
Did you even try?

And the burning liquor is my burning heart
Try to do good, I did my part [x2]

Together, forever
Forever and always

No more sound and no escape
Nothing but empty hallways

Real people inside.
Real people have lives.

You chose to avoid what you fear.
Results have been proven clear.

Tell me to wait for you next year.
But I know your journey isn’t near.

Wash away the pain with an attitude that’s mundane.
Wash away my attitude when they mention your name.

Feelings of us together were mutual.
Now I feel unusual.

Coffee every morning; watching the morning news.
Never thought that I would ever lose you.

Promises of never using you.
You were used too much.

Will you come back to me?
Who am I to trust?

Try to resolve but resolutions never happen.
Our problems seem ever so saddening.

Joy is in the air, but I never seem to know.
I sit and wait for the day you come back to show.

Time is ticking.
Time is moving.

Time is frozen.
Time seems gloomy.

Time is fragile.
Time is bent.

Time is where,
Time is sent.

Time is changing.
Time is arranging.

Time is strange.
Time is pulsating.

Time is always up.
For debating.

Should you move with the constant motion?
Take time to accept the simple notion?

Time can't be changed.
Time can't be altered.

Time has its own plans.
Time will not falter.

Time is tough.
And time is spent well.

Time is what you make of it.
Time is your living hell.

choking on your own tears
throwing away your own self worth
thinking it can't get better
until it becomes worse

dreaded nights; running endlessly
bouncing lights; mornings shifting
torn between how I think
and how people want me to be

open eyes and I blink
yearning only to be happy
reversing time while my heart breaks
reversing time thinking of only heart break

didn't give enough to please
didn't say enough to make
you're mind sane and at ease
forgive me and my mistakes

I am sorry
I am sorry

I'm throwing myself my own
pity party
please attend and enjoy your time
while I ponder and continue to waste mine

I feel as bad as I think you do
but I apologized
maybe a bit too soon
cause you still think
it's all me
empty inside like a vacant room

mind is alone but wanting
to be adjacent with you
sitting alone but thinking
again of us two

cause at times my tears fall
like rain when it's storming outside
and at times I feel so small
only wishing to be by your side

the people that hate me
seem to be
unhappy with what things
they assume

but life would feel less imperfect
if my life was still spent with you

doing what you want to do
when it's cold at night
and you hold me tight
spinning around the room

reassuring me with beautiful thoughts
showing love with the gifts we bought
resting your head upon my shoulder
watching you grow as we grow older
you remember the things that I once told you

but they faze you like I never said them
and it fazes me that you oppress them

your emotions fade with your heart intact
I sit and read the things you say
that you simply say to attack

words causing sorrow
make me feel like
there's no tomorrow

making my once sane mind
into an insane kind
leaving me behind
as you lie and say you tried

it tears me apart knowing you didn't
I wait for you to come back any minute
even after all that was said

I would rather spend moments with you instead
rather than crying alone wrapped up in bed

and as I always say:
people aren't born malicious

people choose to act without intention
and what we had was fictitious
but every morning I always miss it
and every morning I always wish that
I could have said what was right
things that would make me feel better
or rest easy at night

I want to have what we use to be
I want more time to spend with you
I want to simply make you happy
but I'm no longer of your use

I was your issue
I was your library book
that was overdue
you told me that I was worth it
and that I was the one for you

but to you I was something to enjoy for a while
just someone to watch grieve
as you abandon me and leave
and continue in denial

to you, I was your little sin
so again, I guess you always win
you played your role so well
my heart burns
Just fake it; it's hard to tell

a smile fades into tears that fall
down to the floor
where my dreams reside
also where I keep
my ambition and all of my pride
you laugh as you step over me
left me without a warning
should have used more caution
sold away my efforts
like they were an auction
sold away to the highest bidder
taste left in my mouth tastes so bitter
I would take it back but also wouldn't
us together is something that shouldn't
but I miss you
I want to kiss you
I won't ever misuse
Or cause more issues
if you give me what I wanted
you're love and sympathy
but again I remind myself
that you're not missing me

Broken glass spread around like a tornado came through.
A life is not perfect when my life is without you.

The broken glass pieces are hard to piece together.
Sharp edged, dense and light as a feather.
The tornado comes through with very disastrous weather.

I don’t know whether or not.
To stop the clock.

And freeze time.
Or let the time keep going.

Living life in the meantime.
Living life without knowing.

Say life will get better, but the tornadoes keep showing.
They keep coming and I start to run.

The life I live is one I would give if I could get a life with a bit more fun.
But I stay weary of tomorrow and I stay eager for the sun.

The sun will come out tomorrow and start another new day.
One hopefully full of potential in every single way.

As I look out into the distance, the tornado starts to fly across the distant plains.
The earth shakes and it starts to rain.

Earthquakes shake the ground and root up trees.
I would try to stop all the disaster, but the Earth is literally killing me.

Young little face.
Lost in the world.

Young little heart.
Waiting to be crushed.

Young little smile.
Waiting to be frowned upon.

Young little person.
With the world turned against him.

For the sickest nights.
Commence on the sickest days.

And the gloomy dark nights.
Consist of nothing but rain.

And the world is filled with nothing to gain.
And the only thoughts are kept away in your brain.

And the thoughts I have make me happy.
And they keep my young self sane.

need you wanting me endlessly
but no longer feel the same
i just miss the shame
of the never ending game
reflection and inspection
past relations and the present
a common introspective
that life is merely lesson
to lesson up the tension
my heartstrings were timid
and heart was always bold
i carried on and listened
even through the great depression
i cared about the chances
of maybe something different
and worried through the times
that life was just consistent
never have the time of day
to even give myself
i seem to always find my brain
trapped in someone else

resting my body
while resting my thoughts
thoughts of more
stay together unturned
you talk to me like
I'm a puzzle to assemble
you say I can be figured out
so I don't lose my mental
talking to understand
to get to know me
I tell you I'm broken
I'm ****** up, I'm lonely
it's always me
who falls back down
you might be the one
that one day
I just see around

breathing out
and I breathe back in
the memories of my life
present and past tense
I speak of memories
that have changed
even the recent weeks
at times I feel
like I'm losing myself
wrapped in bed
without someone to help
my window shows me the world
the world I'm too scared to roam
the only world I know
is when I'm alone at home

you ask where I like to be
you ask what makes me happy
a destination not felt threatened
one where my tears flow
like a river downstream
where I want to sleep
to wake up and lie
to convince myself
it was all a dream
my mind is not okay
the words try to escape
if you knew me truly
you wouldn't want to stay
no different from others
who make assumptions of me
so I hope you stay
I hope you say
to you I am something
when to me I feel like nothing

one day
I'll have the will power
to build up my tower
and not break and fall
to never again become
nothing at all
I'll have the will power
to love myself
more than just an hour
to dream of things
that would deem me as someone
without suicidal tendencies
my life would appeal to you
without additional weight
on top of your shoulders
my mind could be cleaned
with unconditional love
as you tell me my true potential
or what I could become
if I could just believe
in my own very dreams
such a straining activity
for someone broken like me
but one easy activity to you
my pain is caused by only me
but I'm locked away
by what others see
their concerns
become my own
they overthrow my thoughts
and you take control
you become possessive
our first found love
turns to fist fights
then to aggression
I don't speak a word
scared of addressing
your morals vanished
I lost my best friend
I then lost those I spent my time with
I became foolish
to think there is good
in everybody
to think people
were all genuine
I compacted this world
into a small package
that, to me, made sense
I made the world
an easy pill to swallow
but the pill made me ill
I saw the world
turn against me
I saw you
stare me down
maliciously
we took the same pill
both seeking a cure
to our empty hearts
and lives obscured
but you couldn't be saved
mind rotted
you became insane
soon our motives
both seemed to change
our love stopped rushing
throughout my veins
you had the key
to my mind
the mind that you threw
inside a cage
to keep my thoughts locked away

I was only me
alone at night
when I struggled
and strained my eyes
while tears poured out
I simply loved myself most
when you weren't around
but alone I felt as if
I was of no use
I'm not eccentric
just mundane
carried no attitude
something I had
struggled to get used to
so when people see me
as something so simple
I always tell them
why I feel so little
if you're reading this
now you know why
suppressing thoughts
only makes me want to die
half the time I **** my mind
waiting here for a friend
as I ponder
how it feels to have a friend
not to feel like you always have to be independent
and I ponder
how it feels to be lonely
the only time I know
is when I stare in the mirror
with my own reflection
staring back at me
my life trapped
inside solitude
my life is trapped
it's not enticing
so it means nothing to you
you're green
I'm​ blue
and blue
was never your favorite
you like crayons
but my life's a pen
it can't be erased
everything's permanent
now I ponder only of when
I'll meet someone else
who's life is a pen
who's life holds baggage
that they carry over
so we could look inside
and help out each​ other
this love to me is super simple
I want love that is unconditional
I don't want to be alone anymore
piece my heart back together
revive it into something less torn
be the person for me
who wants to know more
be the person for me
that isn't afraid to dance
in my emotional thunderstorm

Behind your mask
Was a malicious grin
A two person battle
You always seemed to win

Time has passed
And I'm over you
Had to take back
Our love that was overdue

Pleading my forgiveness
I looked once more at you
Only to realize that
You were glass; seemingly see through

Every lie you've ever spoke
Was during time spent with me
Had my highs and my lows
Never free; I was you're joke

Shouting out "love me"
When the break first happened
Noting to myself
That my feelings were kidnapped and...

I super glued the pieces
Tried to mend them forever
Again I realized you were
The tornado to my shelter

So now here I stand
Scared to open up
I'll never feel again
Why is this so tough?

Why do I say sorry,
When you just tear me down?
Always just a smile but
Deep down hides a frown

Situation could have been...
Should have been...
Overthinking
Over and over again

Replaying in my head
Like a #1 pop song
Saying what I did instead
Of saying what you did wrong

Why do they always leave?
Why do I care too much?
I shouldn't care anymore
I shouldn't give a ****

I've lost you

I hate the way my mind works
How the wires interconnect and process information
I hate the way getting out of bed proves to be difficult
I hate how I’m down rather than laughable
I hurt in silence
I’d sometimes like to vanish
To never exist again on this planet
I hate how my mom looks at me with disappointed eyes
And I internally cry
Or when my dad had a bad day
and comes home with nothing to say
I run upstairs and hide away
but deep down I’m scared
I have no talents
No more love to give
Almost 19
But still stuck feeling like a kid
why did the Oklahoma storm take my happiness away
Why have I gone through so much up until today
Why do I feel like I’m given the knife
And given the choice to take your life or mine
Why do I act so mean but know I’m kind
Since February
My thoughts have been scary
Haven’t felt sublime
Haven’t felt the same
Since he left me so blind
Maybe you were my breaking point
Felt it in my joints and in my heart
You laughed and faked your tears
As you watched me fall apart
I’m too much for friends
Was too much for him
Maybe too much for you
So I stay alone inside my room
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’ll try to be somebody
I’ll try to work
Stay motivated
Make money
I’ll clean up myself
And all the mistakes I’ve made
But I’ll never forget
How far I’ve came
I’m a hero within myself
A force to be reckoned with
A storm that’ll come more than once
a person you’d not want to miss
Though I’m not the best at times
I still want to be a good guy
Be a good son
Have a good job
Live a good life
That’s simply all
Maybe I’ll die alone
Maybe I won’t achieve my goals
But I know
In the end
I’ll be alright
And I’ll reflect
And never forget
How far I’ve made it
With the demons in my head
And my mind always racing
And chasing me
I’ll find the happiness in the dark
I’ll hurt in silence for now
And get through the hardest parts
Alone
Searching for my happiness
And a new place inside my head to call home

her pain brought comfort
his tears filled a well that was once empty
battle scars on my chest
started out as a few
and grew to plenty
it’s a broken promise
waiting for someone to come back
depriving yourself of who you once were
and no longer staying in contact
the brain is a powerful *****
but the heart gets hurt on purpose
love is only temporary
through trial and error
i now know for certain
give it seven months
a long phone call and hesitation
and heavy breathing
to fill the air with a love outdated
second chances provide nothing
and your heart becomes a form of currency
for someone else to use for something
love is profit
isn’t that funny?

a month until you're 18
you put yourself first
sit waiting
until a day you're cursed
for being so selfish
for a while you felt helpless
with no one to help at all
you're in a room
and you feel like the walls
are crushing you
so you assume you're dead inside
and you allow yourself to cry
cause you're selfish
and that's all you're ever gonna be
and you're only selfless and fine
when you're not even happy
what is happening inside your head?
you don't share it out to most
you don't think what you post
you're never what you're supposed to be
you don't speak the same lingo
and everyone knows it
and they expose you to the world
and say you're a *****
you're a horrendous scumbag
who's full of *******
and you no longer are seen
as someone in the magazines
you're painted a new light
and your colors aren't the same
colors used to be so bright
now they're just a washed out gray
so nothing can be said
to fix how you feel
it all feels surreal
how some people can be so evil
and distasteful to your image
and you scrimmage pieces together
try to connect the dots
of where everything started
and how everything went so wrong
you stare in the mirror
and even your own reflection
hates you now
and all your friends
who were once your friends
wished you were dead
buried underground
you feel so ****** now

skin... I have skin covering a heart hidden within
I sacrifice nights
sacrifice nights with you
precious simple outings with you
a little limelight with you
darkened room
sheets to move
moving sheets to snuggle up with you
open my eyes
to my surprise
was simply a lie in a dream
but to you a reality
damaged road
fire burning distantly
letting you go easily
don’t know what to say
I no longer feel the same
I always hurt others silently
maybe love to me is just a dream
cause thats the one time it feels real to me
so I break you down
someone so kind
get into your head
study your mind
thought I’d make you mine
maybe again in another life
maybe again next time
under new light
under a new condition
a new rendition
of a love that never was
simply because
someone like me doesn’t know yet
what to do with themselves
stab you in the back
we’re on the same level
putting myself on
a brand new pedestal
I could never ever try to play the part
didn’t even know when to start
made our love wash away
and vanish in the midst of the dark
what a broken human I’ve become
to kiss another one
just to not feel numb
for one more second
to not have to reckon
that I’m secretly alone
in my room full of thoughts
try to decipher what works
and what does not
I always fall apart
and I’m sorry for that
my heart never healed
from February’s heart attack
I never was given
the chance to repair
and never found a guy since
that truly seems to care
you were a piece of the puzzle
that didn’t seem to fit
but you are a friend of mine, I admit
a fresh start would be most ideal
but I need time to heal
from a rollercoaster of love
that truly feels unreal
someone like me doesn’t deserve
others that waste time
to eventually feel unloved
I’m sorry for my vibes
I’m sorry for trying
I was simply only wanting
someone who really wants me
someone who really got me
but I did what I did
and played my role
played the villain part
I’m a selfish person
with a very selfish heart

used to escape in my mind
escape in my heart
you escape in a pipe
that tears you apart
used to inject my time
and inject my love
now you inject into your vein
simply because
i saw potential
inside your broken heart
and broken mind
i like to piece together
people of the broken kind
i saw what others didn’t
i saw a person
with drive and stability
i expressed with words
how much you meant to me
you let the liquor
destroy you mentally
only saw me as a joke
you consider coke
you test your limits now
but one day you’ll reach your limit now
and won’t be able to come back down
and your soul will be headed elsewhere
drifting away
hoping something else is out there
soul searching for a new one to care
and maybe the problem with you
is you misuse drugs and people
and maybe the problem with me
is i misuse drugged up people
but this means nothing to you
it’s sad but true

i read up on new articles posted
reassuring me that clear skin is still a possibility
i see the bumps on my skin
physically causing pain to my well being
and socially causing bumps in my everyday life
at night i drown my face in chemicals
i moisturize when my self esteem is low
im online looking at people that will never know
the pain and the embarrassment
genetics gone wrong
a type of new skin
that’s second hand
that’s poorly made
with clogged up pores
and for past months lately
i don’t know if i possess beauty anymore
no one could ever begin
to tell me that people only care
about beauty within
when i examine my looks
i never seem to win
when do i go out?
it just depends
on my bad days
with skin that misbehaves
my bed is the only thing
that truly sees me
and on my good days
with skin sort of okay
i pick apart myself in other ways
i might have a inflamed case of body dysmorphia
and it’s not rare for me to cry
before getting through morning time
when i wake up from slumber
the amount of pimples on my face become a number
a number that controls my life
and the way i live daily
and turns my life from a yes
into a maybe
one time there was a week
i pretended to be sick
when i wouldn’t go out
and hang with my friends
they asked me what’s wrong
i said just a cough
but something else was wrong
i simply had enough
maybe i need therapy to see my potential
but it’s hard to be happy
when you can connect the dots on my face with a pencil
and the bumps on my face
have sets bumps for me in life
but i pray soon that
i will love my image again for just one night
this is how acne ruins my life

my thoughts are internal
I feel like I’m losing myself
I listen to music
I try to get well
I imagine living alone
I imagine living off the grid
I imagine a new life
and what it could have been
my birthday is almost here
and recently I’ve made it clear
my actions don’t prove to be sincere
my words are bombs
toxic and explosive words causing pain
and I stare and scare those I don’t like
because they cause my head to ache
I intimidate others who aren’t the same
the mental pages in my head
fill up with evil things said to me
my friends often flip
into my worst enemy
and my heart breaks apart
and I wait to start
until the next century
my love life
turns into a love lie
where I would rather lie
than to try
to be someone realistic
I morph into something complex
when all of me is simplistic
I seek another love to fill my heart
but still stuck on the last guy
that simply messed me up
and now I’m alone
can’t leave the house
that traps my feelings
and in bed when I’m asleep
I’m simply dreaming
and don’t have to deal with this reeling
and pulling pain possessing my soul
if you tell me you love me
I bet you I’m sold
pretend to know me
and I promise
in seconds you’ll make my smile show
it’s a bit pathetic
being a blinded romantic
especially one like me
who pushes away the panic
and realness
of how it feels to be broken
if you ask me about heart break
I’ll say I know it
but it’s a distant feeling
a lie that I’ll tell
so you don’t grasp
what it truly means to me
I’ll show you an angels wings
you’ll show me a venomous snakes teeth
I’ll tell you I’ve been happy lately
you’ll say I’ve been depressed all week
and it’ll prove to be true
if I only listen to you
and realize I’ve felt mentally and physically weak
and I’ll stream tears down my cheek
and provide you a washed out timeline
of why my thoughts have been so bleak
you’ll hear all my white lies
and I’ll ask you why people doing lines
seem so much happier than me
soon you’ll become tired of explaining
of what’s wrong with me entirely
I’ll tell you again of my life story
in its entirety
there’s a war zone in my mind
that never stops fighting
and when I sit alone
and listen to my music
it’s an escape to a new life
with a new vibe and new tune
where I live and exist
with a new mind and attitude
where the people around me
never seem angry
and always show gratitude
a new world
where my love life can flourish
and slowly that’s what I gravitate to
so don’t blame me for escaping
it’s a new mindset in the making
but I do apologize
for how I’ve been lately
my minds been scattered
since one friend said they hated me
been pressured to do more with myself
because soon I will no longer be eighteen
I’ll just live in a bubble for now
and if my birthday comes around
and I have no one around
I’ll spend it alone
with only myself to hold
and blow out the candles
and try to handle
how I truly feel inside
and think of my past failed relationship
and imagine how much better his birthday will be
especially since it’s without me
and I’ll simply vanish
and never cause commotion again
and just depend
on only myself
and either drown in my own tears
or figure my true self out

a mirror
so simple
yet so complex
it reflects
what we neglect
it sees us for who we are
it captures our beauty
and our scars
it never judges
unless you judge yourself
standing in front of one
provides you with help
you’ll never feel alone
standing in front of a mirror
upon its reflection
you’ll see something clearer
when you feel alone
and like nobody’s with you
in front of a mirror
you’ll never have that issue
in a short second you’ll stare right at it
and quickly relief yourself from frantic panic
so don’t ever feel
like you have no one else
cause in front of a mirror
you always have yourself

why aren’t the pills
in the cabinet
working for me yet?
i disassociate from myself
and climb into bed
with strangers
i’ve never met
tricking myself into
believing
that i’m living
another persons life
so it’s simply ok
to be this ****** up
today
but even tears at night
cover still
the string lights
in my room
and the way i feel
keeping my eyes damp
until morning time
maybe my teenage brain
can crack the code
of my lack of sleep
and thoughts unknown
hating myself
from all the pain
and learning to love
over again
the tender touch
of my own mother’s hug
or the warmth
of the coffee mug
pressed against my lips
at nine a.m.
i find myself
through it all
the bigger things in life
and things so small
revisioning
and remembering
the smell
of a friday morning
reminding myself
of the comfort you gave
jumping in and out
of scenes
throughout each day i wake
where the script becomes mine
to create and intertwine
in my brain
manipulating the narrative
but never talk about the story
whilst gently taking care of it
it’s my own way to move on
and reward myself
for breaking hearts
to straight up losing mine
remaining sane
in foreign situations
to constant explanations
to those who never listen
the pills never work for me
or my current intuition
and that’s ok

i think if things were different
i’d hope you’d come around
but i can’t undo the damage
i can’t wish for happy endings
anymore
if you loved me as much as i love myself now
you would’ve done more for me
instead of sitting around
i’m glad the rain stopped pouring
and i woke up the next morning
visualizing my true potential
without you
making more space for me
to breathe
in and out
i breathe
to relieve the tension that built up inside of me
over months and months
no one could help me
rebuild my broken smile
medication
medication
i open the bottles
i take them
i swallow pill by pill
to get over the factual representation of love
that was presented by you
to get over the text messages that are still left on my phone
i take the pills so you don’t have to
i take the pills so you can continue
hurting and tearing out the hearts of others
the people around you
your sisters and brothers
you mother and father
and even yourself
because you only care about the pleasure and wealth
of love

at the start of it all
i came up strong
had some friends
we got along
my heart broke hard
and soon I’d fall
trying to pick up
my broken pieces
im emotional

summer sun
and silly games
silent nights
and whispering
my friends all
got the best of me
always failing
and testing me
my friends all
got the best of me
left them all
rest in peace

you were supposed to be
the one i love
you were supposed to be
the one i trust
and now i just
have had enough
i pick up these
broken pieces
just because

i might love you
more than you love me
but your haunting skies
are a mystery
and i see your breath
fill the open room
waiting for the time
i let go of you

and i might love you
more than you love me
but i still hate how
you got the best of me
and i might make choices
that make you mad
and break some hearts
ill give you that
or just guilt trip
to make you sad
but you will never get the best of me
ill pick up the broken pieces
peacefully

you’re worth it in my eyes
your hearts golden
your eyes
silky brown
when they open
your hand caresses mine
sending shivers down my spine
i’m broken
from the touch
of your addictive love
you dive into my eyes
reminding you of oceans
you dive into my mind
and we become one
for seconds
i control what you see in me
from conversations
clouding mentality
i make a way to stay awake
and kiss your lips
not heartbroken
i run away
i get my wish
to have another few nights like this
i know it isn’t permanent
but it’s mine to take
and remanence
just wanted to tell you
that i like you from afar
and when you turn your back
i slide into the dark

can’t believe you did that to me
but it’s okay
i’m not surprised
when i still look you in the face
i see the lovely in disguise
and when i see you standing there
and you’re breaking at the seams
i see the other part of you
who has always been beneath
and i didn’t think that you would do me like that
but things just happen for the hell of it
and i didn’t know you were poison to me
until i took the time to be who i wanted to be
can’t believe you turned out so mean
it’s funny cause you think that you won
you tried to really ruin my life
but you’re only showing who you’ve become
don’t recognize you in the mirror
wouldn’t pin you down in a crowd
left a deep wound in my chest now
so happy that you’re not around
yeah we might have some history
and i might dream of some
you’re still stuck in my mind sometimes
don’t talk about it cause it’s tough
you broke me open with a smile
you made me feel so close
still think of the songs we played
and the places that we’d go
can’t believe you did that to me
can’t believe you did that to me
given all our history
can’t believe you did that to me
when i still look you in the face
i see the lovely in disguise
even when i read you differently
i try to skip between the lies

just cause i said it
doesn’t mean that i meant it
and just because you’re sorry
doesn’t mean it’s sentimental
you make me feel so mental
when you play all of these games
it’s tough to continue
cause i don’t feel the same
the bruises on my arm
don’t heal cause i want them to
the messages in my head
don’t runaway
like i always do

I’m currently writing this at a hospital at 12 am
I’m in a room with chairs and white walls around me
my friends and I went to a new coffee shop a couple of hours before
and yesterday I had a couple of friends that didn’t want me in their life anymore
it ***** being the main topic to someone else’s story
when the people telling it talk down on me and ignore me
I choose to not let the words of others break me
but it’s hard when I’ve been trying to keep too many doors open lately
I dream of moving out of state
to a new place
where people actually like me
and where the words that drip from my lip
are able to grip the other people around me firmly
and make others joyful and fill with them with blissfulness
but here my dear
those I hold near
spew out words of hate and bitterness
for a world that depicts mostly violence and rage
where people die and often become derange
I dream of an idea that is simply just strange
an idea that stems from someone who doesn’t think this same
I dream of peacefulness
not just when I’m looking at the tree outback
I dream of peacefulness
where words aren’t spit out at others to attack
I wish things didn’t happen the way they did yesterday
but I know it’s for the better me
I’m a ****** terrible person
I don’t deserve the friends I have
I hold a demonic presence inside of me
or that’s what they say about me apparently
so when I look outback and see the tree
I wish it represented almost everyone
so carefree and full of life
and everyday it’s branches sway as it soaks up water and continues to grow
it lives each day in a positive light
I wish the group of people that used to be there for me would have just been honest
I wish they didn’t make me feel like I was there broken promise
I don’t plan on going back to that place again
the place that used to be my safe haven
but now has become the place of not being enough and not giving a ****
it became the place of
“how could you do that?”
“you don’t deserve the friends you still have!”
a place for drugged up angsty teens to cause scenes
and smoke ****
and blow smoke behind alleyways
it became the coffee shop
that brought a warm spark to my heart
but quickly turned into disarray
it became the place of many moments I had sobbed uncontrollably
and it became the place I lost my temper completely
and I felt like someone had to hold me back
the place was no longer
a warm cup of coffee and sugary snacks
it was a cold darkened room with toxic individuals
a once inviting place but filled now with others with attitudes pretty cold
and the people there would instead prefer to watch you cave and fold
than to watch you succeed and conquer your goals
so I might miss the once blissful coffee shop
but now it’s become a burden on me
a place where people fight and **** talk
and I might miss what used to be
but I’ll try my best to not hurt from the memories
I’ll move on and find myself through the madness again
I’ll find another safe haven and a better group of friends

my hands
will touch your heart one day
and maybe if one day
i’m happy
i’ll be content enough to stay
and the marks on my arms
match up with your torn heart
and the troubles we face
could replace our ways
my eyes they see
the memories
and when i dream
it’s mostly you
my eyes they seem
to be glistening
cause you tell me
you love the color blue
but it’s not true
because you like the color red
and purple
and pink and yellow
and maybe i’m mellow
with an attitude
you would lie and deceive me
because you think that i’m dreamy
but you always will keep me
close to you
it’s a bit of a problem
with love this toxic
you paint my picture for me
it’s a bit obnoxious
when the suffocations constant
i might have just lost myself in you
i might have just lost me
you’re twisted
you crossed me
you tore up my body
one by one
you picked at my face
like it’s an illusion
you dumbed me down
and now i am foolish
for believing in you
and all that you do
trust issues
for broken men
i took your hand
and you led me on
and you tossed me away
when i was no longer someone you could ******* depend on

i’m overthinking again
shedding enough tears
to fill up my half full water bottle...
half empty water bottle...
half of whatever i’m feeling for the day
half adventurous mixed with lonely
i’m thinking of texting my boyfriend
but maybe it’s not the right time
i’m hiding out inside four walls
five hundred square feet of emptiness inside my heart
and five hundred square feet of emptiness inside my studio apartment
i lie in bed
staring above me
i make pictures out of the popcorn chipped ceiling
and on special occasions i can hear a loud car engine speed by
giving my ears something new to gravitate to
my eyes are blind to life sometimes
and my brain is as well
sometimes i don’t know whether or not to double my dosage
or to just **** myself