i read up on new articles posted
reassuring me that clear skin is still a possibility
i see the bumps on my skin
physically causing pain to my well being
and socially causing bumps in my everyday life
at night i drown my face in chemicals
i moisturize when my self esteem is low
im online looking at people that will never know
the pain and the embarrassment
genetics gone wrong
a type of new skin
that’s second hand
that’s poorly made
with clogged up pores
and for past months lately
i don’t know if i possess beauty anymore
no one could ever begin
to tell me that people only care
about beauty within
when i examine my looks
i never seem to win
when do i go out?
it just depends
on my bad days
with skin that misbehaves
my bed is the only thing
that truly sees me
and on my good days
with skin sort of okay
i pick apart myself in other ways
i might have a inflamed case of body dysmorphia
and it’s not rare for me to cry
before getting through morning time
when i wake up from slumber
the amount of pimples on my face become a number
a number that controls my life
and the way i live daily
and turns my life from a yes
into a maybe
one time there was a week
i pretended to be sick
when i wouldn’t go out
and hang with my friends
they asked me what’s wrong
i said just a cough
but something else was wrong
i simply had enough
maybe i need therapy to see my potential
but it’s hard to be happy
when you can connect the dots on my face with a pencil
and the bumps on my face
have sets bumps for me in life
but i pray soon that
i will love my image again for just one night
this is how acne ruins my life

her pain brought comfort
his tears filled a well that was once empty
battle scars on my chest
started out as a few
and grew to plenty
it’s a broken promise
waiting for someone to come back
depriving yourself of who you once were
and no longer staying in contact
the brain is a powerful *****
but the heart gets hurt on purpose
love is only temporary
through trial and error
i now know for certain
give it seven months
a long phone call and hesitation
and heavy breathing
to fill the air with a love outdated
second chances provide nothing
and your heart becomes a form of currency
for someone else to use for something
love is profit
isn’t that funny?

I’m currently writing this at a hospital at 12 am
I’m in a room with chairs and white walls around me
my friends and I went to a new coffee shop a couple of hours before
and yesterday I had a couple of friends that didn’t want me in their life anymore
it ***** being the main topic to someone else’s story
when the people telling it talk down on me and ignore me
I choose to not let the words of others break me
but it’s hard when I’ve been trying to keep too many doors open lately
I dream of moving out of state
to a new place
where people actually like me
and where the words that drip from my lip
are able to grip the other people around me firmly
and make others joyful and fill with them with blissfulness
but here my dear
those I hold near
spew out words of hate and bitterness
for a world that depicts mostly violence and rage
where people die and often become derange
I dream of an idea that is simply just strange
an idea that stems from someone who doesn’t think this same
I dream of peacefulness
not just when I’m looking at the tree outback
I dream of peacefulness
where words aren’t spit out at others to attack
I wish things didn’t happen the way they did yesterday
but I know it’s for the better me
I’m a ****** terrible person
I don’t deserve the friends I have
I hold a demonic presence inside of me
or that’s what they say about me apparently
so when I look outback and see the tree
I wish it represented almost everyone
so carefree and full of life
and everyday it’s branches sway as it soaks up water and continues to grow
it lives each day in a positive light
I wish the group of people that used to be there for me would have just been honest
I wish they didn’t make me feel like I was there broken promise
I don’t plan on going back to that place again
the place that used to be my safe haven
but now has become the place of not being enough and not giving a ****
it became the place of
“how could you do that?”
“you don’t deserve the friends you still have!”
a place for drugged up angsty teens to cause scenes
and smoke ****
and blow smoke behind alleyways
it became the coffee shop
that brought a warm spark to my heart
but quickly turned into disarray
it became the place of many moments I had sobbed uncontrollably
and it became the place I lost my temper completely
and I felt like someone had to hold me back
the place was no longer
a warm cup of coffee and sugary snacks
it was a cold darkened room with toxic individuals
a once inviting place but filled now with others with attitudes pretty cold
and the people there would instead prefer to watch you cave and fold
than to watch you succeed and conquer your goals
so I might miss the once blissful coffee shop
but now it’s become a burden on me
a place where people fight and **** talk
and I might miss what used to be
but I’ll try my best to not hurt from the memories
I’ll move on and find myself through the madness again
I’ll find another safe haven and a better group of friends

and on my worst nights
I still miss you
make it better for me
to miss you
and on my low nights
I still miss you
and think of when
I misused you
and my brain
recreates
stuck feeling like
a video tape
always repeating
it feels like
I’m going under again
becoming your friend
lonely again
only to depend
on me, myself and I
refrain from repeating
constant straining and aching
I’m painting my walls again
covering the blemishes
only to depend
on me, myself and I
I hesitate
to look up at the sky
and to my surprise
it started raining
I continued refraining
from thinking of you
to put my emotions
into retrospect
I neglect
to respect myself
and putting yours
above mine
makes the whole time
a living hell
when I started living
for just one person
and not two or more
on purpose
my life began to have a purpose
a way of feeling
I never had to hide
and now my mind
just stays intact
only loving
me, myself and I

what would you do for love
if you knew it would mess you up
what would you do for a second chance
a second dance at prom
with the person of your dreams
love isn’t real
but others will tell you otherwise
some see loyalty and trust
some see bitter and twisted white lies
what would you do to not be alone
does being alone **** your soul
what would you do to get back time
would you continue living behind
would you backtrack your life in fact
would you believe that
people aren’t bad
what would you do if you were someone new
what would you do if it all worked out
what would you do if things went well up until now
love is a lie
it’s fabricated and sewed up with pain
internal organs being ripped away
from out your body
it’s a fractured heart
broken like an expensive piece of china
it’s your persona feeling like diamond
but turning into the soil in which you step on
it’s reaching for the highest cloud that you can see
but still setting your standards lower
love hurts like a scab you picked
the pain is direct and descriptive
like an adjective
or the lie of the life you live
it’s wanting a life but not being given one
it’s saying you’re stranded and want love
but still stranded cause you’re not enough
it’s not what you would do for love
but rather what would love do for you

my thoughts are internal
I feel like I’m losing myself
I listen to music
I try to get well
I imagine living alone
I imagine living off the grid
I imagine a new life
and what it could have been
my birthday is almost here
and recently I’ve made it clear
my actions don’t prove to be sincere
my words are bombs
toxic and explosive words causing pain
and I stare and scare those I don’t like
because they cause my head to ache
I intimidate others who aren’t the same
the mental pages in my head
fill up with evil things said to me
my friends often flip
into my worst enemy
and my heart breaks apart
and I wait to start
until the next century
my love life
turns into a love lie
where I would rather lie
than to try
to be someone realistic
I morph into something complex
when all of me is simplistic
I seek another love to fill my heart
but still stuck on the last guy
that simply messed me up
and now I’m alone
can’t leave the house
that traps my feelings
and in bed when I’m asleep
I’m simply dreaming
and don’t have to deal with this reeling
and pulling pain possessing my soul
if you tell me you love me
I bet you I’m sold
pretend to know me
and I promise
in seconds you’ll make my smile show
it’s a bit pathetic
being a blinded romantic
especially one like me
who pushes away the panic
and realness
of how it feels to be broken
if you ask me about heart break
I’ll say I know it
but it’s a distant feeling
a lie that I’ll tell
so you don’t grasp
what it truly means to me
I’ll show you an angels wings
you’ll show me a venomous snakes teeth
I’ll tell you I’ve been happy lately
you’ll say I’ve been depressed all week
and it’ll prove to be true
if I only listen to you
and realize I’ve felt mentally and physically weak
and I’ll stream tears down my cheek
and provide you a washed out timeline
of why my thoughts have been so bleak
you’ll hear all my white lies
and I’ll ask you why people doing lines
seem so much happier than me
soon you’ll become tired of explaining
of what’s wrong with me entirely
I’ll tell you again of my life story
in its entirety
there’s a war zone in my mind
that never stops fighting
and when I sit alone
and listen to my music
it’s an escape to a new life
with a new vibe and new tune
where I live and exist
with a new mind and attitude
where the people around me
never seem angry
and always show gratitude
a new world
where my love life can flourish
and slowly that’s what I gravitate to
so don’t blame me for escaping
it’s a new mindset in the making
but I do apologize
for how I’ve been lately
my minds been scattered
since one friend said they hated me
been pressured to do more with myself
because soon I will no longer be eighteen
I’ll just live in a bubble for now
and if my birthday comes around
and I have no one around
I’ll spend it alone
with only myself to hold
and blow out the candles
and try to handle
how I truly feel inside
and think of my past failed relationship
and imagine how much better his birthday will be
especially since it’s without me
and I’ll simply vanish
and never cause commotion again
and just depend
on only myself
and either drown in my own tears
or figure my true self out

skin... I have skin covering a heart hidden within
I sacrifice nights
sacrifice nights with you
precious simple outings with you
a little limelight with you
darkened room
sheets to move
moving sheets to snuggle up with you
open my eyes
to my surprise
was simply a lie in a dream
but to you a reality
damaged road
fire burning distantly
letting you go easily
don’t know what to say
I no longer feel the same
I always hurt others silently
maybe love to me is just a dream
cause thats the one time it feels real to me
so I break you down
someone so kind
get into your head
study your mind
thought I’d make you mine
maybe again in another life
maybe again next time
under new light
under a new condition
a new rendition
of a love that never was
simply because
someone like me doesn’t know yet
what to do with themselves
stab you in the back
we’re on the same level
putting myself on
a brand new pedestal
I could never ever try to play the part
didn’t even know when to start
made our love wash away
and vanish in the midst of the dark
what a broken human I’ve become
to kiss another one
just to not feel numb
for one more second
to not have to reckon
that I’m secretly alone
in my room full of thoughts
try to decipher what works
and what does not
I always fall apart
and I’m sorry for that
my heart never healed
from February’s heart attack
I never was given
the chance to repair
and never found a guy since
that truly seems to care
you were a piece of the puzzle
that didn’t seem to fit
but you are a friend of mine, I admit
a fresh start would be most ideal
but I need time to heal
from a rollercoaster of love
that truly feels unreal
someone like me doesn’t deserve
others that waste time
to eventually feel unloved
I’m sorry for my vibes
I’m sorry for trying
I was simply only wanting
someone who really wants me
someone who really got me
but I did what I did
and played my role
played the villain part
I’m a selfish person
with a very selfish heart