I hate the way my mind works
How the wires interconnect and process information
I hate the way getting out of bed proves to be difficult
I hate how I’m down rather than laughable
I hurt in silence
I’d sometimes like to vanish
To never exist again on this planet
I hate how my mom looks at me with disappointed eyes
And I internally cry
Or when my dad had a bad day
and comes home with nothing to say
I run upstairs and hide away
but deep down I’m scared
I have no talents
No more love to give
Almost 19
But still stuck feeling like a kid
why did the Oklahoma storm take my happiness away
Why have I gone through so much up until today
Why do I feel like I’m given the knife
And given the choice to take your life or mine
Why do I act so mean but know I’m kind
Since February
My thoughts have been scary
Haven’t felt sublime
Haven’t felt the same
Since he left me so blind
Maybe you were my breaking point
Felt it in my joints and in my heart
You laughed and faked your tears
As you watched me fall apart
I’m too much for friends
Was too much for him
Maybe too much for you
So I stay alone inside my room
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’ll try to be somebody
I’ll try to work
Stay motivated
Make money
I’ll clean up myself
And all the mistakes I’ve made
But I’ll never forget
How far I’ve came
I’m a hero within myself
A force to be reckoned with
A storm that’ll come more than once
a person you’d not want to miss
Though I’m not the best at times
I still want to be a good guy
Be a good son
Have a good job
Live a good life
That’s simply all
Maybe I’ll die alone
Maybe I won’t achieve my goals
But I know
In the end
I’ll be alright
And I’ll reflect
And never forget
How far I’ve made it
With the demons in my head
And my mind always racing
And chasing me
I’ll find the happiness in the dark
I’ll hurt in silence for now
And get through the hardest parts
Alone
Searching for my happiness
And a new place inside my head to call home

a mirror
so simple
yet so complex
it reflects
what we neglect
it sees us for who we are
it captures our beauty
and our scars
it never judges
unless you judge yourself
standing in front of one
provides you with help
you’ll never feel alone
standing in front of a mirror
upon its reflection
you’ll see something clearer
when you feel alone
and like nobody’s with you
in front of a mirror
you’ll never have that issue
in a short second you’ll stare right at it
and quickly relief yourself from frantic panic
so don’t ever feel
like you have no one else
cause in front of a mirror
you always have yourself

the world is not ours
we step all over it like it is though
implodes an inferno
of ash and rain
never to be the same again
color coded
our labels folded
we're pinned up and examined
when our hearts are broken
we cover it
dealing with other people's ****
or with our indecent president
only causing more damages
never glancing towards the innocent blaming other countries and
we act like we're not all immigrants
I don't know where my standing is
I don't know why Trumps planning this
or acting like the planets his
in this world white is right
minorities lacking privileges
it doesn't help by dismissing it
this is the future we'll grow up in
leaders only over throwing it
I'm a pacifist who'll let things slide
but I'll make a fist when no one's by my side
wish labels were gone
wish we'd support one another
wish I didn't hear on the news that "so-and-so" shot their brother
this is not our culture
don't you understand this?
what you see right now is a worldwide epidemic
get attacked because you're black
no sympathy for the LGBT
giving bad vibes to the word diversity burning down family trees
judging those close to me
people contemplating suicide
people wanting to cry and hide
people who don't even go outside
cause they're scared of the world around them

resting my body
while resting my thoughts
thoughts of more
stay together unturned
you talk to me like
I'm a puzzle to assemble
you say I can be figured out
so I don't lose my mental
talking to understand
to get to know me
I tell you I'm broken
I'm ****** up, I'm lonely
it's always me
who falls back down
you might be the one
that one day
I just see around

breathing out
and I breathe back in
the memories of my life
present and past tense
I speak of memories
that have changed
even the recent weeks
at times I feel
like I'm losing myself
wrapped in bed
without someone to help
my window shows me the world
the world I'm too scared to roam
the only world I know
is when I'm alone at home

you ask where I like to be
you ask what makes me happy
a destination not felt threatened
one where my tears flow
like a river downstream
where I want to sleep
to wake up and lie
to convince myself
it was all a dream
my mind is not okay
the words try to escape
if you knew me truly
you wouldn't want to stay
no different from others
who make assumptions of me
so I hope you stay
I hope you say
to you I am something
when to me I feel like nothing

one day
I'll have the will power
to build up my tower
and not break and fall
to never again become
nothing at all
I'll have the will power
to love myself
more than just an hour
to dream of things
that would deem me as someone
without suicidal tendencies
my life would appeal to you
without additional weight
on top of your shoulders
my mind could be cleaned
with unconditional love
as you tell me my true potential
or what I could become
if I could just believe
in my own very dreams
such a straining activity
for someone broken like me
but one easy activity to you
my pain is caused by only me
but I'm locked away
by what others see
their concerns
become my own
they overthrow my thoughts
and you take control
you become possessive
our first found love
turns to fist fights
then to aggression
I don't speak a word
scared of addressing
your morals vanished
I lost my best friend
I then lost those I spent my time with
I became foolish
to think there is good
in everybody
to think people
were all genuine
I compacted this world
into a small package
that, to me, made sense
I made the world
an easy pill to swallow
but the pill made me ill
I saw the world
turn against me
I saw you
stare me down
maliciously
we took the same pill
both seeking a cure
to our empty hearts
and lives obscured
but you couldn't be saved
mind rotted
you became insane
soon our motives
both seemed to change
our love stopped rushing
throughout my veins
you had the key
to my mind
the mind that you threw
inside a cage
to keep my thoughts locked away

I was only me
alone at night
when I struggled
and strained my eyes
while tears poured out
I simply loved myself most
when you weren't around
but alone I felt as if
I was of no use
I'm not eccentric
just mundane
carried no attitude
something I had
struggled to get used to
so when people see me
as something so simple
I always tell them
why I feel so little
if you're reading this
now you know why
suppressing thoughts
only makes me want to die
half the time I **** my mind
waiting here for a friend
as I ponder
how it feels to have a friend
not to feel like you always have to be independent
and I ponder
how it feels to be lonely
the only time I know
is when I stare in the mirror
with my own reflection
staring back at me
my life trapped
inside solitude
my life is trapped
it's not enticing
so it means nothing to you
you're green
I'm​ blue
and blue
was never your favorite
you like crayons
but my life's a pen
it can't be erased
everything's permanent
now I ponder only of when
I'll meet someone else
who's life is a pen
who's life holds baggage
that they carry over
so we could look inside
and help out each​ other
this love to me is super simple
I want love that is unconditional
I don't want to be alone anymore
piece my heart back together
revive it into something less torn
be the person for me
who wants to know more
be the person for me
that isn't afraid to dance
in my emotional thunderstorm

a month until you're 18
you put yourself first
sit waiting
until a day you're cursed
for being so selfish
for a while you felt helpless
with no one to help at all
you're in a room
and you feel like the walls
are crushing you
so you assume you're dead inside
and you allow yourself to cry
cause you're selfish
and that's all you're ever gonna be
and you're only selfless and fine
when you're not even happy
what is happening inside your head?
you don't share it out to most
you don't think what you post
you're never what you're supposed to be
you don't speak the same lingo
and everyone knows it
and they expose you to the world
and say you're a *****
you're a horrendous scumbag
who's full of *******
and you no longer are seen
as someone in the magazines
you're painted a new light
and your colors aren't the same
colors used to be so bright
now they're just a washed out gray
so nothing can be said
to fix how you feel
it all feels surreal
how some people can be so evil
and distasteful to your image
and you scrimmage pieces together
try to connect the dots
of where everything started
and how everything went so wrong
you stare in the mirror
and even your own reflection
hates you now
and all your friends
who were once your friends
wished you were dead
buried underground
you feel so ****** now

the reflection back
doesn't reflect how I feel
when my phone rang
and you answered and said
"you're my everything,
my one and only"
my heart wasn't hard to steal
peace of mind from what you told me
folded the papers
which were notes you wrote me
but with you, I still felt lonely
then came the day
you texted me to say hey
but I knew things were shaking
inside your head a storm erupted
tried to ask but you spoke nothing
days went by
everyday I cried
worried for you
still had no clue
what was running through your mind
you could see the future
as I stood back blind
finally you had the urge to text me
and I died a little inside
when I read the message that said
you didn't want to be mine
I know you feel trapped
stuck in a religious war
you seek to escape your life
a religious thunderstorm
I can't even imagine
a life full of control
can't create your own path
or own story to be told
and I was foolish to think
that we could stay together and grow old
almost as foolish as a candle shining
outside when it starts to snow
or thinking we were on the same page
or that all your thoughts were made known
and you liked me but still tried to mold me
into something I could never be
transformed my thoughts into ones less happy
but I wasn't happy because I wasn't the old me
and you no longer cared for me
cause I went against what you told me
I didn't let you manipulate and fold me
and I no longer loved you fully
I became your dreaded past
you became my bully
and at night I have thoughts
that always rush through me
they keep me up at times I know they shouldn't
so hard to sleep when you feel so foolish
you shot the gun
and I bit the bullet
at times I considered your words deadly
now lately you've been dead to me
constantly talking and always complaining
I was slowly becoming the negativity
you tried to make me
but I still wish I had the chance to express myself
many things I could tell you
things that would provide help
I would have so many things to tell you
and so many things to say
but the first question I'd ask is:
"why do you make me feel this way?"

why is it that people divert
when they dilute their feelings
into a watered down
mess of things

false impressions
of perfection
noting that
no one is perfect

gives false hope
to others
that are less imperfect
craving a dose of attention

dose of attention
turns into addiction
all that they're wishing
is for it all to be done

mocking those who
hurt and bleed
who have a forest fire
inside their heart

simply show care
care that shows struggle
care that provides proof
that you've survived on

no longer diluted
nothing more to it
than helping words
from a hurting soul

growing with the trouble
passing up the pain
wishing for sunrise
during times that it rains

can't always choose
life sometimes does
in its own cryptic way
you either win or lose

but don't lose yourself
in a chapter
for a chapter can turn
into a sensational series

life can't always reflect
sometimes it'll neglect
showing you your story
but know it can be a best seller

don't overthink
flooding your brain
making it impossible
for thoughts to ever drain

look at your cover
open up more pages
because love is sickness
love can be contagious

don't end the story shortly
see the conclusion
admire the conflicts
and create the sequel

wishing a good life
and much love
to you and the world
and all it's people

don't shut the book
assuming the end
cause life will come around
for me and you my friend