need you wanting me endlessly
but no longer feel the same
i just miss the shame
of the never ending game
reflection and inspection
past relations and the present
a common introspective
that life is merely lesson
to lesson up the tension
my heartstrings were timid
and heart was always bold
i carried on and listened
even through the great depression
i cared about the chances
of maybe something different
and worried through the times
that life was just consistent
never have the time of day
to even give myself
i seem to always find my brain
trapped in someone else

can’t believe you did that to me
but it’s okay
i’m not surprised
when i still look you in the face
i see the lovely in disguise
and when i see you standing there
and you’re breaking at the seams
i see the other part of you
who has always been beneath
and i didn’t think that you would do me like that
but things just happen for the hell of it
and i didn’t know you were poison to me
until i took the time to be who i wanted to be
can’t believe you turned out so mean
it’s funny cause you think that you won
you tried to really ruin my life
but you’re only showing who you’ve become
don’t recognize you in the mirror
wouldn’t pin you down in a crowd
left a deep wound in my chest now
so happy that you’re not around
yeah we might have some history
and i might dream of some
you’re still stuck in my mind sometimes
don’t talk about it cause it’s tough
you broke me open with a smile
you made me feel so close
still think of the songs we played
and the places that we’d go
can’t believe you did that to me
can’t believe you did that to me
given all our history
can’t believe you did that to me
when i still look you in the face
i see the lovely in disguise
even when i read you differently
i try to skip between the lies

i’m overthinking again
shedding enough tears
to fill up my half full water bottle...
half empty water bottle...
half of whatever i’m feeling for the day
half adventurous mixed with lonely
i’m thinking of texting my boyfriend
but maybe it’s not the right time
i’m hiding out inside four walls
five hundred square feet of emptiness inside my heart
and five hundred square feet of emptiness inside my studio apartment
i lie in bed
staring above me
i make pictures out of the popcorn chipped ceiling
and on special occasions i can hear a loud car engine speed by
giving my ears something new to gravitate to
my eyes are blind to life sometimes
and my brain is as well
sometimes i don’t know whether or not to double my dosage
or to just **** myself

i think if things were different
i’d hope you’d come around
but i can’t undo the damage
i can’t wish for happy endings
anymore
if you loved me as much as i love myself now
you would’ve done more for me
instead of sitting around
i’m glad the rain stopped pouring
and i woke up the next morning
visualizing my true potential
without you
making more space for me
to breathe
in and out
i breathe
to relieve the tension that built up inside of me
over months and months
no one could help me
rebuild my broken smile
medication
medication
i open the bottles
i take them
i swallow pill by pill
to get over the factual representation of love
that was presented by you
to get over the text messages that are still left on my phone
i take the pills so you don’t have to
i take the pills so you can continue
hurting and tearing out the hearts of others
the people around you
your sisters and brothers
you mother and father
and even yourself
because you only care about the pleasure and wealth
of love

my hands
will touch your heart one day
and maybe if one day
i’m happy
i’ll be content enough to stay
and the marks on my arms
match up with your torn heart
and the troubles we face
could replace our ways
my eyes they see
the memories
and when i dream
it’s mostly you
my eyes they seem
to be glistening
cause you tell me
you love the color blue
but it’s not true
because you like the color red
and purple
and pink and yellow
and maybe i’m mellow
with an attitude
you would lie and deceive me
because you think that i’m dreamy
but you always will keep me
close to you
it’s a bit of a problem
with love this toxic
you paint my picture for me
it’s a bit obnoxious
when the suffocations constant
i might have just lost myself in you
i might have just lost me
you’re twisted
you crossed me
you tore up my body
one by one
you picked at my face
like it’s an illusion
you dumbed me down
and now i am foolish
for believing in you
and all that you do
trust issues
for broken men
i took your hand
and you led me on
and you tossed me away
when i was no longer someone you could ******* depend on

just cause i said it
doesn’t mean that i meant it
and just because you’re sorry
doesn’t mean it’s sentimental
you make me feel so mental
when you play all of these games
it’s tough to continue
cause i don’t feel the same
the bruises on my arm
don’t heal cause i want them to
the messages in my head
don’t runaway
like i always do

you’re worth it in my eyes
your hearts golden
your eyes
silky brown
when they open
your hand caresses mine
sending shivers down my spine
i’m broken
from the touch
of your addictive love
you dive into my eyes
reminding you of oceans
you dive into my mind
and we become one
for seconds
i control what you see in me
from conversations
clouding mentality
i make a way to stay awake
and kiss your lips
not heartbroken
i run away
i get my wish
to have another few nights like this
i know it isn’t permanent
but it’s mine to take
and remanence
just wanted to tell you
that i like you from afar
and when you turn your back
i slide into the dark