I'm selfish. Hell no I don't want you to be happy with him. I don't even want you to be thinking about him. The only guy I will ever truly want you thinking about is me. Sure I'm selfish for wanting you even though I'm not sure you ever even really wanted me in the first place. Looking back at the nights you asked me to stay but I said no because I didn't want it to happen that way. I didn't want you to be able to blame the alcohol for what happened. Those nights are some of my biggest regrets, all I had to do was say yes, stay with you, have a few more drinks, see what would occur. It could've been nothing, problem is it also could've been everything. All the feelings could've poured from your lips until yours met mine in a kiss that sparked wildfires. Walls and clothes could've been shed as we became one heart and one being for even a minute. Could've been the start of forever between us. The only forever I have ever actually planned on. It could've been nothing, maybe a few more drinks until we both just passed out on the couches, music still playing, dog still bouncing around looking to play. Wake up the next morning heads pounding feeling ***** for all the wrong reasons. Memories are all I have left of you. All these words I've spewed onto these pages. He has you though, in his arms, in his bed, in his heart. I'm selfish. It ****** me off that all I have to hold are the same bottles we held those nights. Not knowing if it would've been everything or nothing makes me hate myself more everyday I wake up alone. I don't care if it broke his heart, sent him in a downward spiral, dropped him into this pit I live in while I rose out of it. Give me one more of those nights. One last chance to make everything happen. Let me justify this selfishness by proving to me it wasn't only me who wanted all of it. Be selfish with me for a night, you could love it almost as much as I do. We could live together selfishly. Who needs him, not me and not you. I have you, you have me, we could live selfishly.

The point of no return is one I know well. Many days and nights spent standing on the edge looking over the cliff. Just thinking about how easy it could be to take a dive and not care. Let it all go and be at peace with myself. Just as I started to feel as if the time was right you appear out of no where and give me that glimmer of light. Make me feel like maybe I should take a step back. Reconsider the leap of faith and give it all one more chance. Take another chance at love and allow someone into my heart again. I worry it'll end just like it always does right back here looking down but something is different this time. There is a shimmer in your eye and a fire in your soul that seems familiar to me. It reminds me of a time when I was happy. I've only known you for a few months but I already know you could be my savior. You could be the girl who makes me realize that love really does exist. I love the flame I feel from your heart. Just like a redneck princess you roped my heart and made me feel as if I turned from a frog to a prince with one simple kiss. Just one little kiss but a kiss with a spark I have never felt before. Holding you in my arms I just know that you're the girl I've been waiting for. The one who makes me feel as if I can become a better man. Gives me motivation and hope. I want you, whether I have to wait only a few minutes or if it takes a dozen years, you're the one that I want and the one I will wait for.

Love looks so good on you, it gives you a glow I had never seen before. A spark in your eye that looks as if it is able to ignite a flame that could burn down the entire forest we used to walk through together. Now I kind of wish it would so I could sit back and watch then dance upon the ashes the way we used to dance whenever we heard a slow song. I fell for your smile and was willing to break my back just to feel it against my lips, but now all I see is it pressed to his and all the sudden the only thing breaking is my heart. The pieces lay scattered around me as I sit in the same spot I used to lay reading the notes we would trade back and forth. Surrounded by the words you wrote upon the old folded up papers from the day we met to the day you left. Now all that are left of those words are the ashes from the flame we once had. The knives you covered with venom before slashing me with are now the very same knives I have to resist using upon myself day after day. Our song playing on the radio used to make me fly higher the clouds we would watch laying upon the hill together. Today the lyrics are more like an alarm clock ringing right in the best part of my favorite dream, no matter how hard I try I can't ignore it and it automatically crushes my mood. I hate to admit it but looking back I suppose my friends were right, you were never good for me, you were the poison when I thought you were my antidote. You still course through my veins though, maybe that's why no matter how hard I try and no matter how far I run you stick right there in the back of my mind slowly driving me closer to the edge of insanity. The line between the truth and an absolute lie is so thin with you that I don't know if you ever actually cared or if I was just your pawn in the game of chess you continually played to get him back. No hard feelings though right, we both walked away with something from the hell we called us, you got him and I got the knowledge that I should never trust another person as completely as I trusted you. They say the best things in life are free and maybe it should've been a sign when no matter where we were or what we were doing you wanted money for something. I wish nothing but the best for you even after all this time and energy you stole from me. Whether you ever actually cared about me or not, its no secret that I truly did love you. Hell somewhere in the scorched remains of what you left of my heart I probably still do. Love never dies even when it makes you wish you could. One day I'll love again and when I do no matter how badly I wish I could say I hope she'll remind me nothing of you I can't because not everything about you was bad. The way you showed a passion for what you cared about, the fire I felt from your soul and the way you gave your all to others even when they didn't deserve it. It inspired me, made me want to become a better person and change the way I was living. Ironically you may have saved me, pulled me out of the way of the bullet, just to take the gun and bash me over the head with it. I guess what I'm saying is I never want to see you hurt the way you made me hurt, but I also never want you to come back around because if you do I don't know if I could resist the fire in your eyes, kiss and touch, and I've been burnt by you enough.

I want to love you. No, not in a physical way or even in the way a husband loves his wife. I want to love you in a way usually only little kids and grandparents can. I want you to be my best friend and my other half not just my lover. I want to walk hand in hand no matter where we go so everyone can see how I feel about you. Lay in bed late at night lights off and voices low and talk on the phone until one of us falls asleep. Just a look into your eyes will tell me you love me in the same way I do you. Go out with friends to play hide and seek but we know each other so well we always find each other first. Come up with silly nicknames no one else would understand. You would be Snugglepuss and I would be Bunnybear. A love that we would get teased about by our friends but we would know they were just jealous. A kiss on the cheek could mean as much as a million on the lips. Run home after school and send you a message to tell you I miss you even though I just saw you. Even though I know you won't respond until after your afternoon nap. Every morning first thing I do is send you a good morning and last thing I do every night is wish you sweet dreams. Make up inside jokes that make us look like we're crazy. From chainsaw to beep and even just making animal noises back and forth. Sit and write each other letters to hand back and forth to say anything we can't put into words while we sit with our fingers interlaced and your head on my shoulder. Make each other promises and pinky swears we would never grow apart and we would end our time together only once God made us. Even though we're too young to know for sure we're also too carefree when we're together to bother worrying about it. A love so innocent and true no amount of stupid fights or drama could hurt it. I don't want to get with you I just want to love you.

I've always found the storms that come from hurricanes so beautiful, the power they bring yet the elegance that accompanies it. You can feel a rush of what can only be described as a combination of hope bringing adrenaline charges and total agony filling fear. So much changes during the rain falling, wind slamming, lifhtning striking, thunder clapping moments. A sudden occurance of peace followed by a grand finale nothing could ever prepare you for. For a few brief minutes you think the worst has passed. Those aeconds of innocent bliss can be the best feeling you have ever had. What follows though blind sides you harder than any 300 pound line backer ever could. It hits you in the deepest pits of your stomach, twisting your guts until you wish they would just get ripped out. Those hours and days after though, those are the times you realize just how horrible the aftermath really is and all of the sudden all that hope and happiness you found from the beauty of it all disappears. All you can feel is an eternal emptiness building, ppuring out of you. At least with a hurricane others can see the pain, the devistation, the horrific sights of the aftermath. When it comes to my storm though I'm the only one who can feel it. There was a time when I thought you were going to be my paradise. The thing that saved me from the constant storms I have thrashing around my head. Turns out even paradise isn't safe from the beautiful destruction of a hurricane. You have moved on to give another the peace you once brought me while I sit here trying to put myself back together. Your name might not be Katrina, but it may as well be.

I can feel the walls closing in. I have never seen a more blackened

darkness. A silence so deep I can hear the mice and the cockroaches

running alone the floor. The guards come to get me and bring me to the

long walk. Iʼm walking the White Mile and I can see the horrified faces of

the others. I was framed, I didnʼt do anything wrong. The door is getting

closer and closer. I try to stop in my tracks but these monsters wonʼt let me.

They keep pushing me towards that door. No matter how many times I

shout that Iʼm innocent it makes no difference. Iʼm just feet away from the

door now. One last chance. I stop and pivot and just as Iʼm about to take off

running and never look back. The one person I thought was on my side

grabs my arm. I canʼt believe it. Itʼs my own mother. Now sheʼs making me

go towards the door. I donʼt understand, she said it wouldnʼt be this bad.

She told me it would all be okay. The door is just an arms length away. Iʼm

only ten years old so why am I being treated like a mass murderer? I hear

the sadistically evil laugh coming from the doctor behind the door. Iʼm

getting the three lethal injections or as others may call it, the flu shot.

Do you hear that snapping and cracking? That's the sound of the world finally getting to be too much for her tiny shoulders to hold up. So many people can pass by thinking they know her yet none of them stops and offers to help her with the load she's bearing. They think she can handle her world on her own plus help them with theirs when it gets even the tiniest crack in it. People look at her like she's just another teenage girl dealing with the stereotypical problems shown in the movies. Thinking all she has to worry about is if she's skinny or pretty enough. Not knowing the scars she hides. Not knowing her past or even her present. They can't see the rain hidden behind her fake backdrop of a sun shinning brighter than ever thought possible. To 99% of the onlookers she's happy. Yet to the 1% of the people who truly know her, they can tell she's on the edge with one foot off. Hanging from a series of threads being cut one by one. Each cut could be the last. All it takes is on slice in the wrong spot or at the wrong depth and down she'll plummet right into the grave the people too busy to read her eyes have dug for her. People come and people go but in her eyes they all leave one thing behind. They leave their knives sticking out not only of her back but also her heart. She'll let anyone into her life but only the lucky ones get to see inside her heart. She can't understand why no body seems to be there when she needs them. All she knows is she needs help but is completely unaware of how to get it. So she sits and calls out to anyone and everyone. Hoping and praying that maybe just one of them will stop and help. Maybe even care for once. Instead of get what they want and bail. Boulders are crashing down all around her while her arms are dropping lower and lower every second she stands alone. Her world is disappearing right in front of her eyes and she has no idea how to fix it. Soon it'll be nothing but the dirt and stones they will use to cover her broken armed and souled body. Her voice is fading and soon no matter how loud she yells nothing will come out. She will be at peace and will no longer be able to hurt herself. Soon it will be over. Soon everyone will realize just how broken her world really was.

Such beauty from such youth. I see you there in the midst of the field of the park, dancing and playing  as if nothing bad could ever happen. Little do you know your freedom shall soon be snatched away in one quick swipe. No longer will you have the ability to breathe the fresh air you've grown up knowing. Just a few hours from this second you will be jammed into a space along with a half a dozen others just like you. Maybe from different areas of other parks, even a few from their own houses, but all just as pretty. There's something special about you though. Something in the way you reach toward the sky while you move that makes me just not able to walk away. Maybe I'll give you a special place or maybe I'll give you to a girl I know. She always loves the slender ones like you. Don't worry she'll treat you well. Give you what you need to survive right up until that day you die. I've never been very good at remembering to feed and care for the ones I've kept. Sometimes if there's something really special about them I'll give them extra care but  that only lasts until I find a new one. A new beauty to bring home and make mine. A new one that looks like no other I've seen before. One like you. You're perfect. All alone, no one else watching. You're mine. You're the newest addition to my collection. Hush now and be at peace for soon you shall be among those who know how you feel. Others who have been plucked from what they know. Picked to make a complete strangers house a home. You will mean nothing to me, you probably won't even make it to the weekend. I guess that's just the chance I have to take when I choose you to be the next flower for my bouquet.

Was it really that easy for you? To appear in my life as a flash of lightning. In a beautifully frightening instant you swooped in and struck my heart in a way I had never felt. Gave me a jolt that made me feel alive again. You gave me a glimpse of happiness, a view of hope and a speckle of maybe the future won't be as bad as I have always thought it will. I had never met someone who I saw so much of myself in. The fire I saw in your eyes and the passion I felt when we talked. Having you in my arms made me feel like there may be a few instances of good left in this hell covered world. Your lips drove me to the edge of insanity yet at the same time pulled me from the ledge of the cliff. In just a few short months you became one of the only people I could trust, talk to about anything wrong in my life. The eyes I thought I could follow into the future turned into the eye of the hurricane in a matter of thirteen seconds flat. It went from talking every second we were awake to whenever you decided you could spare a minute. I still hoped it would go back to how it was then you pulled a Houdini and poofed from my life altogether. I guess we have different definitions of forever, I meant it when I said it, apparently you just thought it would shut me up. You went from my redneck princess to a common thief. You stole back your heart but you never realized mine became so attached that it followed yours right from my chest. Now I'm stuck with an empty hole and a few scattered pieces you left behind. Trying to reform whatever I can out of what you left of me.

I'm over her I swear. Her pretty eyes, the smile that lit up my world, the lips that drove me wild and the voice that melted my heart of ice, yeah I'm over all of it. Why wouldn't I be? It's over right? The past is the past and the future is what really matters. The future without her, that's the way it's meant to be, isn't it? That's why she found someone else and moved on from me, just like everyone else does eventually. She is over me so why is it that every time I  think I'm in the clear she manages to appear back in my life like she never left. I want to hate her for it. I want to be able to look my best friend in the eyes and honestly say it doesn't go to my head when she tells me how she misses talking to me. I want to be able to go one **** day without wondering what could have been if I had been the type of guy she wanted. One simple day without missing her kisses, hugs, pouty lip or scent. Is that really too much to ask for? I've done my time all I want is to be released from this living hell I've been in for almost three years. Even inmates get some time to themselves at least once a day. She was there through the best times of my life and the one day that I would give anything if I could go back and stop. I miss the fights, at least while we were fighting she was mine. I could still tell her that I loved her and kiss her until everything else faded away and the world just felt right. Now all I can do is stare into the cupboards and think how easy it would be to put the bottle to my head and pull the trigger. End the pain, the thoughts, and the memories in one quick move. It takes all the energy I have left just to stop myself and I really don't know how much longer my will power can hold out. You want to know if I'm truly over her? I can look you in the eyes and tell you there's not a chance in hell of me being over her.

People always say that time heals all wounds, give it a bit and the ones who you cry for today will be but a distant memory tomorrow. Sure that may be true for some, the ones who at the moment made you feel like your world was crumbling. You wake up one day and you feel a way you haven't in a long time. A smile sprouts and your heart once again warms. It always feels like the start of your life all over again, it's wonderful. Really though if someone was that easy to get over chances are they weren't one of the real ones. The real ones are a whole different tale. There is no restart to your life when they disappear. You simply get to keep living in the same old hell on earth. Everyday feeling like the one before, dreading the sunrise you once watched together. Something so beautiful bringing you so much pain is tragic. You spend your days just waiting for the darkness to again devour the sky the same way you feel it has your heart and mind. Smiles all have hints of fakeness, things you once loved leave a sour taste, just as the thought of their kiss does. The wounds will close but they're always seconds away from opening all over again. It's nice to think the scars that have been left will teach you to be smarter for the next time. They very rarely do, sometimes they simply make you want it again even worse than you did the first time. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is dangerous when those you are closest to like to run with scissors. Whether intentional or not chances are something is going to happen. Apologies will spew faster than your blood but none of them will help when you start to drown. You struggle to keep your head over. Things you have spent your life swearing against will become your best friends. Bottles and lighters grow to be your life lines one breath, one puff, one swig at a time. One day you will look in the mirror and all you will see is a stranger staring back but sure keep telling me time will heal all wounds.

I know you feel like your back is against the wall and you have no where to go but down. Your world seems to be crumbling apart and nothing seems to be going your way. People you thought you could trust are becoming the ones who are hurting you the most and people who just a month ago were strangers are becoming closer than your supposed best friends. It may feel like it is just going to keep getting worse until you hit rock bottom. I can't promise you that it is going to get better sooner than later but I can promise you that no matter what I am here for you. It has been a long time since I have felt this way about someone this quickly and powerfully. Something about you draws me to you. Makes me want to give everything I have and sacrifice anything I can to make sure you can smile. To make sure you get to keep those beautiful eyes sparkling and prevent any tears I can from blurring them. I have learned so much about you in the past few weeks. There have been things that honestly probably should've turned me away but all it did was make me care and want you more. Just seeing your picture puts a smile on my face. All I think about through out my day is talking to you. Finding out more about you and discovering who you really are. I love it. The more I learn about you the more I like you and care about you. You are the smartest girl I have ever gotten to know. You have a beauty to you that goes so far beyond just physical. The passion that radiates from you inspires me to care for things as deeply as you do. You have an amazing body, beautiful mind, loving heart and the most amazing spirit. You are attractive as they come in my eyes. The world has been a dark place but you, you are a supernova. The absolute beauty I see when it comes to you astounds me. You make this life worth living to me. My one biggest wish is that one day I am able to make you see this world the way you make me see it. To make you feel okay again and to be able to put that smile that I adore so much on your face so you don't have to have so many tears fall anymore. You deserve happiness and I hope one day I am able to make you happier than you ever thought possible.

Call me a double-edged sword. Get on my bad side and I'll hurt you now, but get on my other side and I'll hurt you eventually. Call me a weapon of mass destruction aimed at myself. I never know if I'm going to hit and destroy myself or miss and destroy one f those around me. Call me a waste of space, it's not my fault, it's just the way I am. Call me anything you desire. It doesn't matter to me if you think I'm the best or the worst. Tell me what you think about me, not to my back while I'm around the corner just out of earshot but to my face while we're face-to-face words-to-words. Rocks and bats may cause me pain but your words bounce of me like a fly trapped just on the other side of a two way mirror people call a window trying to break through and back into the past. How does one move on from the past when we must always remember the past to learn from it? Look forward to the future but live for now. There are so many directions we are supposed to look and go and they wonder why we get confused over whether x should be equal to 42, pi, or y over z times the square root of World War 2. Wait that can't be right but the lines between right and wrong have never been so blurred. Call me smart. Just because I finish my test a little quicker than most. Call me a cheater, I just know enough to know there is a loophole in ever rule or contract. Call me your best friend. I have Monster and some gum that seems to be all it takes to be a "best friend" now a days. Call me something that will get a laugh and I will laugh right along side you and everyone else. I know who I am and I know what I've done. Whether they have been mistakes or the smartest thing I have ever did. They are my actions and I will stand up for them because at the time they seemed right. Who are you to judge who I am and what I've done? Are you perfect because of you are please don't try training me to be. I have no interest in being what some one may call perfection. Perfection is a cool brisk night in the middle of the fall watching the dancing colors and sparks popping from the pit with the one you have fallen for tucked into the spot only they fit precisely into. To me that is perfection so how can a person be a scenario? It's simple they can't. So don't try to be perfect because perfect because not even perfect is perfect. Just try to be the best that you can be. Call me an inspiration. I'm not afraid to speak my mind and make how I feel about you and this world we're living in known to everyone. Call me a **** in the best way possible. Just because I know how to send you on a trip with my words that looks like it's going to drop you off a cliff when in  reality it drop kicks you straight over the moon. Call me whatever you want to, people who like me show me who is always going to be there and people who don't show me who I never want to be.

You could be the one who saves me or you could be the one who finally tips me over the breaking point. Either way I wish you would snip that final thread holding me here and let me drop to my personal eternal abyss or catch me as I fall but don't leave me hanging here. Whatever you do do not try to let me down easy and save my feelings. I've had too many people try it and drag me around. I need you to be brutally honest. I have no doubts or wavering when it comes to how I feel about you but I feel like when it comes to how you feel I'm left clueless. You are an amazingly beautiful woman I would give anything for. Talking to you and having you in my life is all that had gotten me through the past few weeks. I will do whatever it takes and anything I can to make sure you get to smile and have happiness in your life. Even if it means I sacrifice my own for it. You give me the feeling that for once in my life i could have found someone who actually cares about me. Maybe someone really does want me to be happy. It's hard for me to even think of how I made it this far without you in my life. Just the days since we met I haven't gotten to talk to you have been some of the hardest days on me. As badly as I wish I could say I'm strong enough to do this on my own I know I'm not. When I'm talking to you though I feel add if I can be a good person for once. You bring out a side of me that wants to be better. Everytime I look into your eyes it motivates me to try and be the man you deserve. You deserve the absolute best and even though I would never claim to be anywhere near it I would do whatever in my power to be closer to it for you. I hate feeling like I did something to drive you away. You are the best thing I've had in my life for a very long time and I am infinitely grateful you ever appeared. I hope maybe I get to have a future with you but if not as long as you're happy that is what matters most to me.

You inspire me. To be a better person, a better man, to get back into my roots as a writer. For the first time in a long time I care about someone else more than I do myself and I forgot how good it can feel. I know life isn't what you expected it to be, trust me it isn't what I stay awake at night hoping for either. Since I met you though I do have to say I hate it less than I have in a long time. I made you a promise and for the first time I have made one in years I know I am going to keep it. You have affected me in a way that I never thought possible in a matter of weeks. I am not someone who believes a whole lot in faith or that things will happen when the time is right. I do have to believe though that there may have been no better time for our lives to collide. We both seem to be at a low point and neither of us really know how we are going to get out of it. At least now though we get to help each other. I want to be there for you. Not in a way other guys seem to say they are. I want to actually be there. I want to do what it takes to make you smile and make you have faith in things not being as bad as they seem on the surface. In less than a month I have been able to create four new pieces of writing I have not been able to do that since school. This whole thing may be complicated and confusing. People come and people go taking parts of us with them. Not always is that a bad thing though. Sometimes they take parts of us that were poisonous to us. Parts that were killing us slowly from the inside out that we never knew about. Leaving us a new spot for the next person to help bring out a good spot we never knew of. Promises I completely intend to keep are still a new thing to me but trust me when I say that I swear on everything I am that I am in this for the long run. I will give whatever I can to help you through the tough times and I will do anything I possibly can to make sure you get a smile as often as possible. We both have a long way to go before we reach a place of stability and total bliss but I am beyond how glad I could explain that I have you in my life to take the journey along side

No doubt in my mind, I can see why he likes you. In such a short time you have made such an impact in my mind and life. The more I get to know you, the better life seems to get. You make me feel like it could all be okay. Maybe not today or tomorrow but some day. I can actually talk to you when I feel like everything is falling apart and not feel like I am just bothering you and wasting your time. I keep on thinking I have figured you out then another layer of you reveals itself inspiring me to dig even deeper. I love learning about you, the way you think and feel, your past, your hopes for the future and your dreams. You intrigue me, people have never been a mystery to me. Everyone has a tell, a way to read what they are thinking and feeling. You though, you are a tough one to crack. It makes me want to keep learning, keep finding out more about you and what makes you tick. Every time I wake up and see that I got a good morning text from you it gives me motivation to make it through the day. When I receive a random picture from you I can't help but smile like an idiot. You have a beauty that amazes me. Stunning eyes and a smile to ****. The passion you show for the things you love is so inspiring.

You are unlike anyone I have known through out my life. You have a care and compassion for others that goes beyond yourself and that is just so rare these days. You aren't just one of the people who say they will be there, you back it up every time I start to slip back into my old ways. I've been fighting with my head and my heart for so many years constantly wondering if I will ever find happiness. Love turned from something of beauty to one of the most painful things I know. So much heartache and brokenness filled my life from the ones who claimed to love me. I reached a low that had only been hit once or twice in my life and it scared the hell out of me. Then all of the sudden I got a message from you and I thought it would be another day long conversation before it died out like the rest. The one day slowly turned into a week of getting to know each other. I thought you were pretty cool and could fit in with our little group. Sure you had a pretty face and were without a doubt cute but I never thought there would be any feelings developed. Then it evolved into a month of revealing parts of us we kept locked up from others. In a way it feels like I have known you forever so it is strange that it has been such a short time in reality. Now my favorite thing about waking up is getting to read your good mornings or finding your surprise picture you sent me while I was still passed out from the night before. I started to notice how beautiful your eyes were and how even when you are in the midst of a breakdown you still have a shine to them that makes me want to stare into them. Sure you have an absolutely stunning body, there is no doubt you are physically as attractive as they come but you also have a personality that gives me hope. Hope is something I have never been big on. I've never wanted to waste my time just sitting back and waiting for things to maybe happen but for you I have all the time in the world just to sit and listen to you. Whether it be the good or the bad or the tmi as you like to call it. I learn more about you every day I get the privilege to talk to you. The more I learn the more things I find about you that I adore. You look at yourself and you see all the things you consider to be problems, I look at you and I see all the things that make you who you are, the things that make you unlike all those other people who just fade in and out of my life. You brought back a spark in me that has revived my writing, that is something that is so rare. Especially for it to cause me to be able to pump out so many pieces in so short of a time. I am so thankful to you for that. It makes me remember why I started to write in the first place, to get out all of the things I keep bottled so deep within myself sometimes even I forgot they were there. Talking to you it makes me feel like I can actually amount to something one day, whether it be as a writer or as something I haven't even considered yet. You make me want to be better, to be the best that I possibly can. That incredible smile of yours, real, faked or in between, it just makes me want to prevent it from ever leaving your lips. I want to do anything I can to make sure you get to show off that amazing smile. It can brighten up the darkest days and honestly it makes me just want to kiss you. You have opened up to me in a way not many people ever have. You don't just say that you trust me or that you care, you prove it. Looking through my past I have so many things that i regret. Wish I could go back and change, make better, prevent from ever happening to begin with. For one of the first times in my life though when I look at my future it doesn't look totally gloom to me because I know you will be there.

Hello, I would like to introduce myself. I am a last resort. Nobody ever decides I am the kind of guy they could see themselves with. I know myself well enough to  know I am not the forever guy. Hell I am lucky if I even get to be the for a while guy. Most of the time I am just the for a few minutes guy. The one people turn to when they need a smile and to vent but no one else gives a **** enough to currently listen. I will sit and let you spew all the venom you wanna fling at them so you don't actually have to. Tell me exactly how you feel. Lie to me, tell me you miss me, you love talking to me, you wish you could find a guy like me. I know none of it is true. Then once you are done the next day you will be gone again. Back to the one who just the night before you couldn't stand. You couldn't believe how selfish, childish, distant and ignorant he was. Now though, now he is your prince charming, your one and only, the most amazing guy you have ever known and the guy you can't wait to marry. Then you have me. The one who will sink back into my pit of depression and just wait for the next person who needs a smile. That is all I am good for. To make others happy while I lose my fight with reality more everyday. Give the empty remains you leave of me to the bottles I always swore to stay away from. You all know I would give my all to make sure you get at least a few moments of peace in your hectic lives but what will happen when I run out of pieces to give because honestly I am approaching that point sooner and sooner and it scares me. The emptier I get the fuller the glasses I drink become. I know soon I will go out in a **** while you keep on shinning bright for the one you chose. Good for you. I am so happy for you. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy even if it means you are with someone else. See I can lie too. I have learned from the best. People wonder how I became so cold but it is easy when you are always left alone with your demons. I am never a first choice, I am what you call the last resort.

It's no secret to me that I was never exactly what they would call a Prince Charming to you. Nowhere near close to it actually. I never treated you the way you deserved to be, never put you first or ever really even second. I was always too afraid to let myself open up to you the way I should have. I guess I never really knew how much you had fallen for me at the time, a few times even literally. You were different than anyone I had ever been with, I think it even scared me how unique you were compared to the ones who came before you. I had no idea how to handle being with someone who at the time was so wild to me. The things I considered my biggest enemies you considered your closest friends. You have the beauty of the sky. At your darkest points to others you seem threatening, mysterious, unpredictable. I look at you when your storm is raging though I see a hidden innocence, inspiration, a still unmatched beauty. They see you at your brightest and think the dark is gone forever and it will be all sunny and good from here out. I know though that when it comes down to it another storm is always brewing down the road. They may run when the lightning strikes and your boom your thunder, all I want to do though is embrace you. Look past the bad of right now and anxiously await the passing into peace again. It is in those moments between hell and heaven that your truest levels of beauty shows. A level not many ever get to see because they could never hold on through the rain. We had only known each other a few months when we were together and as amazing as it was I think that could also be the reason it never worked. We were both too young and unknowing, no matter what we thought we knew. Years down the road when I look at you I still see all the good and bad I saw when we were younger but now it all seems worth it. I used to be one of the ones who were afraid of the darkest days, thinking when I found the real deal it would be all sunshine. I know better now though. Without the dark you could never appreciate just how bright the light is and **** is your light blinding.

Hey you, with the mystifying blue eyes that take my breath away with every simple blink. It doesn't matter if it is a few short moments or three full years, I miss you. You got that fire burning inside you that I have searched for as long as I can remember. Call me a pyromaniac, ******* or just a total maniac but I would give anything to feel the scorching heat from it. Just to be close to you whether it be only a few minutes or hours on end. Being with you is one of the few things in life I can say with total honesty makes me happy. It's a rare feeling but with you it is like it could last, more than just the few fleeting moments it usually does. It may have been your looks that initially drew me to you but then I heard your words and it made me realize, you could be the first person who ever challenged me to improve my life and live a better way. When you think of yourself you see the past and your flaws but all I can see is an absolutely beautiful mosaic of all your broken pieces you've fought so long and hard to reattach. You understand me in a way I never imagined possible. Like there were parts of me missing, unknown to me, until you illuminated and cured them. All I can see when I close my eyes is that smile of yours that always makes me feel that maybe life is going to be alright. Who knows if anything is ever going to become of us, if there will ever really be an us. Whether there is or not though you will always be one of the most important and influential people I've ever met. We may not always talk but you are always on my mind and I will always care about you more than I'll ever be able to express.

I miss you. It's not necessarily a physical miss. I miss you being the one I could text just to talk about all the little things going wrong with my day. The texts just to say good morning because you had me figured out. The random pictures just to make me smile and the adorable little things you would do. You made me feel like I could be a better person. Gave me a motivation no one else ever was able to. For the first time I almost believe I could be happy. Maybe even that I deserve to be happy. It's strange I really believed you cared about me. You showed more than any one else that you wanted what was best for me. Everything feels different now though. It feels like you have completely pulled out of my life. It has left a void in my day. When I would normally be telling you all about everything now I just sit and stare at a wall waiting until you decide I'm worth talking to again. It feels like forever since the last time you messaged me first. Maybe I should just take the hint and try to move forward in my life but honestly I just don't wanna move on in my life without you here. You told me you would never disappear but when you decide I'm too much of a hindrance to talk to everyday that is all it really feels like anymore.

Heard our song on the radio but there was something different about it. The happiness and unstoppable smile it used to bring to me has been replaced by regret and tears filling me from the inside out. I sit on the same bench we used to but now the space seems abundantly bigger next to me. Our friends keep telling me about how great you're doing and I want to mean it when I say I'm happy for you but I just can't help but wish it was me. Every time I hear your name it's like another piece of my heart chips off and falls to be dissolved by the acids within my stomach. I was young, I was dumb and I never realized just how much better I could've treated you when I thought I was treating you like a princess. My pride and ego never let me see just how unhappy you really were. I thought just because my mind told me we were happy that there was no way it wasn't true. Never saw just how selfish I was really being when we were together or how you wanted something more serious than I was ready for. I never should've let an amazing woman like you walk out of my life. I should've done whatever it took to make you stay. Now it's too late and I'll never get the chance to make it up and to and to fix the mistakes I made. You're all I can see when I close my eyes, haunting me in the back of my mind. It may hurt but I'll be the first one to admit I was wrong when it came to you. I know it's way too late to apologize for the mess I made. I just want you to know I hope he buys you the things you deserve, I hope he holds you close as you walk together to show everyone just how proud he is that you're his. Spends every second he can with you so you never have to feel alone. Takes you out every chance he gets because I remember how much you love to go out. I hope he does all of the things I should've done when you were mine.

Paint me as the villain. Let me be the one who steals you away from Mr. Right. All your friends will hate me yet you will have the most tantalizing attraction to me. I won't promise you it'll be a smooth ride, I can't promise you I won't lie. Lying is one of the things I'm best at, it has to be to be a successful bad guy. There will be fights, days we will hate each other, show each other that hatred with the way we love each other. I won't be your Prince Charming, honestly I have to imagine it gets tiring being a princess all the time. Take a walk on the wild side. There's a reason doing things that are wrong always feels so right. The adrenaline rush of knowing you could be caught and lose everything you treasure makes it that much more fun when you don't. It'll drive you to want it more and more. I'm not saying you should leave the one waiting for you at home. I'm not going to be there everytime you need someone like he is. However I will be there creeping into the back of your mind when you get bored doing the same thing as every other day with him. One text is all it takes I will arrive to pick you up, sure as hell won't be on a white horse or with some fancy carriage though. Climb on in and ride with someone who will make you feel alive for a while. Then once you get your fill go back to your daily life. Keep me on speed dial, I already know the more tastes of the evil life you get the more addicted you will become. Never turn the darkness into your dream. Do not think you have a home in the dark with me. You wouldn't make it here trust me. There's nothing wrong with visiting though. Come on princess let a villain show you what you're missing.

You once told me I didn't wanna get too deep into your world, that it was too messed up and dark. At the time I just tucked back into my shell, buried my feelings back down, tried to move forward with life. All I want is you to be happy even if that means I have to just sit by and watch you go after all these guys who are no good for you. I want nothing more than to pull you close, hold you tight, make you feel like maybe for the first time in a long time everything is going to be alright. When you hit your lowest point I wanna be the one you turn to. Talk to me when you feel like there is no hope, confide in me in a way we would've when we were younger. I will do anything in my power to make you smile, it is far too pretty not to. Let me be the one you come to not only when you are on the edge but the one you think of first when you are happy, confused, excited, anything in between.

I wish I could say I have moved on from my past, that it doesn't keep me up at night anymore or that I forgot your name and the way you made me feel. I would love to wake up one day and not have to think about the spark that shined in your eyes guiding me through the eternal darkness I see when I'm alone. You told me you wanted to be the one who proved to me not all women are the same, not all of them will promise you things before disappearing making me question if they were ever honestly there to begin with. You were the one I spent my life looking for. For the first time possibly ever in my life I was willing to give all of me for something I cared about. You helped pick me up, gather the pieces of my heart off the ground and slowly put them back together. Said you would hold it for me, protect it with your all so it would never end up that way again. You brought out feelings and motivations in me that for many years laid dormant. I could never find a way to make myself give my all in the way you did in a matter of moments. You inspired me to become better, live my life in a way that for once was going to make me a man I could be proud to be. Get myself together, look towards the future, bigger, brighter plans that for once didn't just include myself with my misery. The biggest difference between you and all those girls in my past though is at least they decided to leave my heart laying on the ground. Broken, yes, but fixable. It may have taken years sometimes but I always managed to find the way to fix myself. You though, you took the whole **** thing with you. Left me with nothing but the feeling of complete emptiness in my chest. I have sank to a point I am not used to. Being left alone with my thoughts and demons now more than ever is tearing me apart. My days of being able to say no to drinking seem so far behind me, now all I can do is count down the time until I can try to drown my memories. Hope that maybe that next bottle will be the one that wipes my head clean of you. It's only a matter of time until I grow unable to cope anymore and throw the bottle to my head pulling the trigger one last time. Just know in those last few moments you will be the only thing I think of, not that you will ever think of me again.

Does our song come on and make you think of the times we would dance with your head against my chest while you listened to my heart beating along to the words? He was talking about his crazy girl while I held mine. "Crazy girl don't you know that I love you?" I still do even all these years later. "Without you I'd lose my mind." I never realized just how true that lyric was until after those first few months were done and I found out just how truly gone you really were.  When you feel the ***** cover your lips does it remind you of the taste of my kiss? You always wanted me to be more like you, to drown my depression and anxiety in the bottle, that was never my style I felt like I needed to deal with it on my own. Now any time my hand is empty I long for the cold of the glass, it's the only thing that replaces the warmth of your hand in mine. Those moments of ignorant bliss never believing it was only a matter of time until I dropped my straight edge lifestyle desperate for even a few seconds of quiet from my mind. I want to believe it when I tell myself I want you to be happy. Let's be real though knowing he is holding you while I'm a fleeting memory lost in the back of your mind kills me. Every beat of your heart now belongs to him, just like every one of my swigs from this bottle belongs to you. The burn just a reminder of the fire that once blazed between us. When the time comes and you're walking down that aisle will you think of me even a little bit? You will always be my crazy girl just like I promised you. It's a promise you've probably forgotten, for me though it's the only promise I've ever made that will never be broken.